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One day at a time...

mandolinv
Posts: 8
Joined: Feb 2004

I'm sitting here at work. I finally decided to get on the message board. I've been feeling really down lately. I had my thyroid removed and 25 lymph nodes on Oct. 28, 2003. I'm 26 years old, too young and too healthy to have cancer in my mind. I've been having a tough time lately because I've been really sad and feel kind of crappy. My levels are almost just right according to my doc. (he is great by the way) But I just can't get my mental and emotional state back to where I feel like the happy me again. It's sad that when you go through something like this that everyone does seem to think - "Your Cancer's gone, you have a new found persepective for life, you should be great and happy." You can't tell your family or your best friend that you are so down and sad that you just wish it would all go away - I've never been the suicidal type, I've grown up in a loving Christian environment and know that is not the path my life should take. But sometimes I just want to crawl in a hole and cry and sleep until my days are done. I shouldn't feel that way. It makes me sad that I do and that I'm not taking advantage of my life. My young full of opportunity life... As I've been reading through these messages today it is a comfort that I'm not alone in this feeling and a little disheartening to know that this feeling of saddness or 'what if it comes back' doesn't subside. I know in my heart God doesn't give me more than I can handle and I take that to heart. In fact the day it actually hit me that I had cancer (I was very positive and upbeat for a few days - amazing people) I couldn't stop crying...I cryed whenever I opened my mouth. I went to see my dad...as I wondered around his house sobbing I found a plaque that hadn't been put up but was sitting against a wall... it said: "Do not be afraid nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go." I hold that verse close to my heart - it was meant for me that day. I was petrified that day. I remember that verse everytime I go back to the hospital and everyday. I have no children, I have no husband. I live with my cat and my days can seem very sad at the end, but God will hold me up when I need Him. I apologize for a long message...I needed to write for my sanity and maybe my rambling will help someone elses sanity. Thank you friends - mandy

divalasvegas23
Posts: 2
Joined: Feb 2004

Mandy, Stay strong, and remember that each day is blessing. I've been where you're at, and all I can say is things will be better with time. I'm 29 years old. I was diagnosed with Hodgekin's Disease(lymphatic cancer) when I was 16, with breast cancer when I was 27, and with thyroid cancer when I was 28. I'm not going to lie to you. Each diagnosis was heartbreaking for me and my family. One of the only things that helped me deal with my cancer was to get angry;let it all out. I cried till I couldn't cry another tear, than I got mad. I mad a pact with myself that I wasn't going to let the disease get the best of me. I believe that knowledge is power. By empowering myself it gave me the opportunity to take my mind off the cancer and find ways that I could fight back. I reached out to my support network, family, friends, chat rooms, doctor's and nurses, and took control of my life once more. They help me to stay positive and upbeat. I live one day at a time and am thankful for every moment I spend here on earth. When times are tough I tell myself to cheer up because my life could always be much worse. I made peace with myself and with cancer a long time ago. I believe this is the only reason(other than yoga)that I am able to function day to day and handle everything life has to offer. Don't get me wrong, I do have my sad moments. Whenever I'm feeling blue I throw on my pajamas pour myself a glass of wine and watch sad romantic movies on the couch with my puppy curlded up on my lap. --Your Friend Ann

rose29
Posts: 1
Joined: Mar 2004

I know exactly how you feel. I'm 29 years old. I had my thyroid and 15 lymphnodes out in October of 2002. I have a 20 months old son and he is my little angel, if it wasn't for him I don't think I'd be alive today. I found a lump on the right side of my neck when I was 21 years old. Thought nothing of it so I didn't get it examed. After I had my son in June of 2002, a large lump started growing on my thyroid. I went to the Huntman Cancer Institute here in Utah and I found out that it was cancer. I was so scared I cried for weeks. After my surgery I was in so much pain and my neck was so stiff that I called the doctor constently to get pain pills the bad thing is that he gave them to me and after a month went by I was hooked on the pain pills. It's been 3 months since I've had an earge for one of those. My paresnts always tell me that it's something that I have over-come. But still the pain is so bad that I can't sleep at night. I to am sad all the time and scared that the cancer will come back. I'm scared of what will happen to my son if I die. But each day gets better and I pray to god everyday for the blessings he has given me. Hang in there each day gets better.

Eftov
Posts: 3
Joined: Mar 2004

It is normal to go through a grieving process after a life altering event, such as cancer. Give yourself permission to be sad for a time, but if it goes on too long or becomes overwhelming, please ask your doctor to consider an antidepressant to get you back on your feet. I grieved too long over something I could not change and was too stubborn to ask for help. Finally, I discussed it with my doctor and she put me on a mild antidepressant and I was able to face life again -- no more sitting in a dark closet for me! Also, please be aware that getting your thyroid medication adjusted just right can take a long time, sometimes as long as a year. Even a tiny change can sometimes have a drastic effect on how we feel. By the way, I had thyroid cancer as a teenager and now I am 54.

mandolinv
Posts: 8
Joined: Feb 2004

Eftov and others, thank you for your response. Each day does get a little better, then there are always those ones that get you down. I appreciate the note that you left Eftov that you have survived such a long time. That is wonderful news. I have been reading Lance Armstrongs book (one of them someone gave me when I was in the hospital) It is amazing how all those that have had any form of cancer go through the same emotions and feelings, during and after cancer treatments and surgeries. Sometimes it is hard to read the book and read the emotions you yourself have experienced. But at the same time I recently read a chapter called Survivorship - I loved this chapter. We are all in the same boat. Figuring out our lives and adjusting them to mean something and move on in a positive way. I thank God for this network and I do thank him for providing me with these obsticals, I need to make these challenges a way to help others and myself. Again, thank you for your responses and this network.

twometer
Posts: 2
Joined: Mar 2004

Don't apoligize for your long message, if it makes you feel better then do it. In the past I've had one other kind of cancer that resulted in my going to Buffalo roswell only to be told by the Dr. that my thyroid has to come out because of the size of it, 6cm. Staying over in a hotel after the appointment I woke up at 3:30 am and had one of my worse nervous breakdowns. I am fortunate that my parents came with me and because I was upset they drove me home. I know I'll have a lot of up and down days to come but I'm thankful that I have family and friends for support.

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