Jan 29, 2004 - 1:25 pm
Truejoy8 helped me on Tuesday far more than she knows--I was having a crying jag and couldn't stop. Yes, this could be Post Traumatic Stress, any shock can haunt us at any time, regardless of the time span (look at the Viet Nam vets). I've even had flashbacks and the pit of my stomach just drop and had to go to bed and lie there shaking. Everything is either enhanced or less emotional than before. I'm surprised at my lack of compassion at times and then surprised at my outrageous gratefulness and overly heart-wrenching sympathy at other times. I want my husband to hug me and when he does, it's not right--I wanted him to do it because HE wanted to, not ME wanting him to. After all, if he really loves me, shouldn't HE read MY mind? Having an anniversary and a birthday last week, when last year I didn't think I'd ever see either again was very sentimental. Why? Because I had them or because I didn't think I WOULD have them? I suddenly feel like damaged goods; I fear abandonment; I feel overwhelmed by the possibility of being killed in an auto accident after beating the cancer--what a shame and waste of energy that would be; I fear them finding cancer somewhere else in my body when my CT & PET were great in December. Now, I ask you...Is this cancer-nuts, hormones, post trauma/shock syndrom or mild depression? I think a bit of all! And we are entitled to it. I'm out of "fight mode" and having to re-adjust and let my hair down and relax. Yes, I may have to go on an anti-depressant if it keeps on or gets worse, but hey, I'm still here 18 months after they gave me only six months to live and were not even going to treat me at all--and in clinical remission. Of course, that is rational speaking and a normal way of looking at this, but sometimes I just want to cry too, feel for myself, remember the past and sort out what went on outside the fog that I was in earlier.
Also, hearing of other deaths, expecially when people are younger, is hard on us too. I've had seven friends and relatives to die this past year from cancer, and three of them were encouraging me that I could make it! Two died only two months after diagnosis. Scary? Very much so.
People that are reading this and having these symptoms, it is normal. The medical community is just now merging with psychologists and discovering that there is a problem after cancer they HAVE to address.
God's blessing to you truejoy, and everyone else going through this! --Ceezhar