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dealing with loss

dusa
Posts: 2
Joined: Mar 2003

I am 30 years old and a new mother and about a month ago I lost my mother to cancer. She had been fighting this disease since her early thirties. It started as breast cancer and she died from ovarian cancer. This disease is so terrible and it has taught me so much about life. I have also learned how unprepared I was to lose my mother. I've always known how sick she was but I guess I just thought she'd keep on beating it. I forgot what she was fighting and just how deadly it was. I thought maybe just maybe she'd be the exception.
Anyone who is in a similar situation..how do you deal with the grief? How do you deal with the loss? Does it ever get better? Because right now it sure doesn't seem like it's ever going to. RIght now it just feels downright terrible. I am a new mom and my mom got to meet her granddaughter but because of cancer that time was cut short and I am angry and sad...it's just terrible....I feel cheated.
Again, my mom was a fighter and a strong woman with a will like none you've ever seen but again...how do you cope???????????

gsh
Posts: 2
Joined: Mar 2003

I lost my Mother one week after I turned 31 years old. She died 4 months after being diagnosed. 4 and 1/2 months after I got married.

I can't tell you how to deal with the grief, anger and sadness....because I'm still trying to deal with it myself. But I do think that your Mother was fortunate to have met her granddaughter. I don't have any children yet but I know that when I do I will have sadness overshadowing the joy... because my Mom will never meet her grandchildren.

Hang in there, and remember all the great things you loved about your Mom every time your daughter makes you smile.

bygrace
Posts: 25
Joined: Mar 2003

I lost my dear mother when I was 23, 23 years ago... For me it definately helps that I am a christian and believe I will see my dear mother again. At the time my mom told me she was sorry that she would not get to meet my husband or my children. My 2 older sisters had children and they were the lights of my moms life. She told me to tell my children she was a good grandma. I went on to marry a wonderful man and have 3 children. The first two were boys and than my dear daughter came. She is now 14. I thank God everyday for giving me a mother/daughter relationship again. I think of my mother often as I raise my daughter and share memories of her with all my kids. Your mothers love lives on. She is in peace. Yes it hurts and we miss our mothers... but their love lives on in us as we give to our families. There is a neat book you can get called, "A mothers memories to her daughter" and fill in the parts for your daughter as she grows up. It leaves a wonderful legacy to pass on to your daughter. There are parts in it where you record things about your mother in it. Then when your daughter is older she can read and get to know your mom somewhat. It is by Thomas Kincaid and it is a wonderful way to record family memories. God bless you and enjoy your family. Love, Terri

ltp
Posts: 2
Joined: Mar 2003

I just lost my mother suddenly to gastric cancer just over a month ago. We found out 1 month before she died that she had a recurrence of the disease. We knew that she didn't have a long time to live after the diagnosis, but I wasn't at all prepared for her death.

I still cry almost every day. I have 2 young kids that were very close to my mother. It's hard to explain to them why she is gone.

I'm trying to cope too - I'm still angry and upset that my Mom was taken from all of us too soon. I'm just trying to get thru each day by keeping things as normal as I can for my family. I figure one of the best ways to honor my Mom is to be the best Mom that I can be.

Scruffy
Posts: 1
Joined: Apr 2003

Dear Dusa,
I am truly sorry for your loss, I lost my Mom 24 years ago, I was 10 years old. People always say when you are young you can handle things better, not true. I do know that no age is EVER a good age to lose any one, especially your mom. It is very hard for me because I was so young, I feel I never got to know my Mom, and now that I am older I feel I miss her and need her more now. I can honestly tell you, the hurt, angry, cheated feelings never go away, you do however learn to accept them. What helps me alot is....I always say that God needed her more than she was needed here. Now I am no holy roller or anything, and I am not going to preach the word of God, but I personally find it easier to think that she was needed, There were many family issues that did not help to make things eaiser, my Dad had already establised a new life of his own, he actually did so 10 years before my mom died, he was dating my step mother when my mom was pregnant to me. Ironiclly, my step mother died of cancer last year also, same as my mom lung cancer. She left behind a 14 year old daughter, whom I have never met.
The only advice I have for you is, know your Mom loves you, and know she is with you every moment of every day, keep her in your heart and she will always be alive! as far as your daughter she may not physically get to know her grandmother, but she will know her through you, what may help, and I found it helps me, write things down, favorite things you did together, things your mom would say, silly little phrases and things this way you will always remember and be able to tell your daughter, keep pictures lots of pictures around, talk about her frequently this will keep her with you also. I am not going to tell you it is going to get easier, because after 24 years I still find it very hard. But like me, you will have your good days and your bad days, but always remember your Mom would not want you to be sad all the time, she would want you to go on with your life and be happy, it is not easy, because I know sometimes I feel guilty when I am happy, but then I think my mom would want me to be. Again, I am TRULY sorry for your loss, try and keep your chin up, spring is here, that may help, if you ever want someone to talk to please feel free to contact me anytime, my e-mail is Pammy-4@lycos.com. Just remember your daughter needs you and she will need you to get to know her grandma, so try to smile, Mom would want it that way.
Love,
Pam

mariandeb
Posts: 2
Joined: Apr 2003

I am 32 years old and a new mom but for the second time. My Mom died when I was 6 months pregnant with my second child. Mom thought "it" was a girl and now we know that she was right. My first child is a boy and he is 2. My baby girl is now 5 months. The loss sucks. My Mom died August 8, 2003 on my 32nd birthday. I find comfort in remembering our times together. My Mom had completed one of the books that "bygrace" had mentioned. I find great comfort in that. I also have some of her clothes. When I need to, I simply put my head in bathrobe and have a good cry. Allow yourself to cry and get angry. Don't bottle it up and try to be strong. I always feel better after I allow myself to feel the pain. Some days are better than others. It does get better but the holidays are really hard. I am glad that your mother got to meet her grandbaby. You know that your daughter has a special angel up in Heaven just for her now and you too. I listen to lots of Christian music and I find comfort in that. My Mom has been gone now - 8 months. The pain has gotten less at times in the last couple of months. Do you have a couple of good friends that will listen to you talk about your Mom over and over? It helped me to talk it out. Don't leave it inside or you will feel like you are going nuts! Hug your baby often. I also talk with Mom all of the time. I think the conversation gets to her somehow because I always feel peaceful after I am done. God bless! - Deb

Monet
Posts: 2
Joined: Apr 2003

Dusa,
It sounds like we have alot in common. I am 32 years old.I lost my Mother on February 13th. She was diagnosed the month of my daughters 1st birthday. My daughter is turning two next month and my Mom is gone. I feel like my Mom got cheated. She waited so long for a grandchild and only got to be with her a short time. I feel like it was a tease...here's what you can't have!!! Everyone says I should be thankful that Mom got to know my daughter if only for a short time. Sometimes I am but sometimes I feel like my daughters life brought my Mom more sadness because she was dying and knew she would miss so much. My Mom was also very strong..She never complained or said why me. She only said she didn't want to miss seeing my daughter grow up.
I can really relate to your feelings of anger and sadness. I am here if you want to talk.

als26
Posts: 48
Joined: Feb 2002

Dusa-
I am 28 and lost my mom in Jan. '04 to Ovarian Cancer. She had stage IV OVC for two years. At one point, she was in remission, but it only lasted six months. The death of my Mother is inconceivable. It's the worst thing that could've ever happened. I don't know how to handle grief.. I've been in tears almost daily. I try to stay busy at work and at night by watching TV.. However, my mind keeps turning to the bad thought that she's gone. I'm an only child without any children of my own. My mother was cheated from knowing her future grandkids and I feel cheated that I lost my loving mother. We were so close that I feel like part of me died that day with her as I held her hand. I too thought she would beat it.. I too thought she would be the exception. Who would think that a 51 year-old woman could die from a disease? I hope that with time my sadness will turn to smiles with my wonderful memories.. Until then, it will be a long road. Take Care,
Als26

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