Feb 04, 2003 - 12:22 pm
I've really been struggling lately! Right now, I'm in the middle of radiation treatments for non-Hodgkins lymphoma (I've had 9 of 15). That part is going well - my tumor is shrinking nicely, and I've had very few side effects. However, my emotions are all hay-wire!!! Having cancer has caused me to dredge up feelings about people whom I've lost to cancer over the past several years. I feel that there is "unfinished business." You know - not getting to say goodbye or not getting to say things that needed saying. I talked to my doctor yesterday, and he assured me that my feelings are normal for a cancer patient, even though I might at times feel that I'm going crazy. I'm also checking into having a few sessions with an oncology social worker to talk through some of this stuff.
What really bothers me, though, is how other people have been reacting to me when I share that I'm having a hard time emotionally. My husband, for instance, just says that I'm blowing things way out of proportion, that I only have a mild case of lymphoma, and I ought to "just get over it and get on with it." Other "religious" friends tell me that I should lean on God and not worry about trying to "fix" things with people who have passed on. Heck, I'm not trying to "fix" things - I just have these feelings that I need to sort out!!!!! Like why didn't my best friend tell me she had cancer? Why did I have to find it out third hand? Why didn't someone let me know how sick she was? Why did I not know a thing until someone walked up to me at school and said, "Oh, we just wanted you to know. Sally died yesterday." That's what I'm talking about!!!!
Anyway, I'm just about "platituded" out. Oh, yeah. I got one of those "if God brings you to it, He will bring you through it" e-mails this morning. I want to scream out "I KNOW!!!!!!!!!! Now, leave me alone if that's all you can come up with!!!!!!!" But I don't. I just delete them and go on. I try as much as possible to surround myself with people who ask, "How are you today?" and not only really mean it - they listen when I tell them the truth.
Anyway, thanks to all of you guys for letting me blow off some steam. I feel better now. I know from my support groups that nobody understands where a cancer patient is coming from better than another cancer patient.
May everyone's day sparkle like diamonds today!
Hugs to all,