Jun 29, 2002 - 3:35 am
I finished my six month reatment for NHL in March. Everyone asked me what I was going to do when it was all over and I said "I am going to have a kegger party and the I am going to go to Disneyland with my husband and daugher". I really was joking abou the kegger party. We don't drink very much especially after all this but our friends and family kept asking us about the kegger---it is tomorrow. I am sitting up tonight not being able to sleep. I close my eyes and I think of a thousand things I have to do. We are expecting almost 100 people. My niece, who is only 6 years younger then I am, and her husband came all the way from Mississippi (I live in CA) to "celebrate me". My niece and I are very, very, very close. My brother and his wife are driving here from Arizona. I am trully blessed. When I sent out the invitations they said "Come celebrate health, life, hapiness and love" and that is exactly what everyone is coming to do. Friends are coming that I haven't seen in a long time. I am scared. I am scrared because if the cancer comes back they all came for nothing.I feel like I might have let them down. I would feel like I failed the ones who loved me the most when I needed them. I am so scared right no. Why? I have no idea what I put them through when we found out that I had cancer. The people closest to me were far away and had to hear everything by phone. I am so afraid it is going to come back. I have been coughing all day (one of the symptions of my cancer). One one hand I am scared to death and on the other I am so glad to have everyone coming tomorrow. It really is a celebration. I got it and I beat it. The chemo almost kick my ass but I did make it. Am I so sad again because I am facing it again? Is it because the party is supposed to close this chapter in my book of life. OUr neighbor was teasing my niece about coming all the way out to California for a kegger an she said "we'd drop every thing to come celebrate Lia and her health, we love her". It is one of the sweetest things anyone has said to me but I am scared. I am so sorry for dumping on all of you but you are the only ones that understand.