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My mother died 9/3

crtsang
Posts: 105
Joined: Nov 2000

My mother died this past Sept. 3rd, of metastatic cancer that had devoured 90% of her liver before her doctors noticed it. She was treated two years ago with radiation for mouth cancer that had re-appeared in one lymph node in her neck. (Her primary tumor had been removed two years before that.)

She lived less than six weeks after the diagnosis. My whole family came together to care for her at home, with help from home hospice, but I found it agony. I felt like such a rank amateur, and kept feeling that it would have been better for mother if we had more skilled care available for her, but it seems she died the way she had wanted to.

It's been four months, and I'm only now beginning to accept the fact that she's gone. I haven't gone one day without thinking of her, and don't know if I ever will. (I think of her more often now than I did when she was alive...)

Is anyone out there experiencing similar feelings?

Carol

bc2miraclebaby's picture
bc2miraclebaby
Posts: 32
Joined: Jul 2001

I am sorry to hear of your Mother's passing.Thanks for your post in regards to my difficult times too.I know that while time heals all wounds, there are some which only hurt less with time,such as the loss of a mother. I felt as if part of my soal went with my mother as she died even now,almost 4 years later. I won't presume to know how you feel but by sharing what I feel,maybe you will get some sort of affirmation to the grief you are experiencing.It is normal, I think, to feel lost, shaken and frightened.After all,the one person in this world we daughters base our "safety" on usually is our mothers..Mine was .Some daughters are lucky enough to be able to really know our mothers as people.Friends.

I too felt that whatever I was able to do for mom was not enough,I wanted to be able to "fix" everything, and was simply Not in control of it. GOD'S WILL prevented her from a very long suffering.

By expecting so much from myself,this caused alot of undeserved-self inflicted guilt,(I did all I could, Mom knew it. ) I felt as though because I had already had cancer in my life, I should have been able to automatically know what to do, and when to do it, to help her feel less pain.At the same time I was trying to be strong for her, I was shaken to the core at the thought of her dying.
You did the right things, as best as you could too, of that I'm sure.You are a very loving person(she knew that too), I know you are because the more wholly we love someone, the deeper the pain from the loss of them is felt. Give yourself the time you need to grieve,(in little doses, as needed) to help you move forward without allowing it to hide the wonderful gift of having known her for as long as you did.Cherish those secret moments that she slips into your thoughts as proof of the love you had.As time passes, I cry less often and more often feel warmed by those thoughts of her.I have to brush aside the negative and focus on the good.I hope this is of some relevance and helps a little. We were fortunate to have that kind of love and still have it in our hearts.
Take care of yourself, and I pray you will have continued good health too! Debbie(bc2miraclebaby)

spaz1
Posts: 2
Joined: Apr 2002

My mother died nearly 10 years ago, and the pain still rivits me. The circumstances around her death seem similar to yours. She wanted to die at home and the family gathered. To me, it seemed as though we were vultures just waiting for her to die. The hospice nurse didn't come much, and when she went into a coma...well I don't know if the cancer killed her or if she starved to death. The guilt I feel is incredible. I don't know if this is normal. I don't know if my father told the hospice nurse to quit coming. I will never know.

Time does help the pain. I still think about my mother every day. She is my hero. I don't want to forget about her, nor the pain she went through or the tremendous amount of courage she showed. Mothers are such a huge part of our lifes. We have to remember the good times. I thank God everyday knowing that He could have taken her much earlier in life. I remember and cherish the time we had together. And, yes I still talk to her and believe she hears me.

I hope this helps to at least let you know you are not alone. The one regret I have is not seeking counseling after her death. I wish I had.

Peace,

Wendy

crtsang
Posts: 105
Joined: Nov 2000

Thank you both, Debbie and Wendy. You can't know how much better you have helped me feel. I am getting counseling, and it helps but there is only so much one can do.
It is such a relief to share feelings of guilt and pain! And I'm sure we all know that there is nothing to feel guilty about, really. We were not in control. That would have been impossible. And I too thought that as a survivor, I should have known better how to help her, but I didn't.
Thank you so much.

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