Apr 04, 2001 - 11:32 pm
I am an 8 yr survivor of Hodgkin's disease. I was diagnosed when I was 22. I had an absolutely awesome group of freinds who were there every step of the way. They never treated my like I was different in any way. Last Feb - 7 yrs later - one member of that core group of freinds was diagnosed with cancer. He was given very little chance of survival, and was only given one chemo as sort of token effort at treatment. In Nov he died. He and I were not really close prior to his diagnosis because he was always very quiet and private. Once he was diagnosed though, we talked alot, and he told me alot of things that he didnt tell some of our other freinds. Througout the whole process,our freinds turned to me for advise and information. I really felt helpless. There was nothing I could do, but everyone sort of thought that I should have some magic answer. I know that they really didn't expect me to be able to help, but I still feel like I should have been able to do more. I've also thought about how unfair it is that such a wonderful man is dead. Does anyone else feel a sort of guilt for being a survivor - asking yourself 'what makes me better or more worthy than him'? I know it sounds crazy, but when people say 'why him?' I feel like I have recieved some unfair gift.