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Encouragement (Kick in the Pants) Needed!

Posts: 114
Joined: Feb 2001

Hi, Ladies!!!

I am just feeling a bit more blue today. We just took our oldest daughter back to college (120 miles away) after having her home for 2 weeks on spring break. I didn't think that I would ever miss her this much!!! At least I have the other children and now back to the regular "rat race"! To boot, everyone has gone to sleep except for me---and the baby!!! So, I am passing time until she is finally ready to give it up for the night. (This time change is really going to cause a problem until she gets used to it.)

Amyway, I have been feeling quite lonely the last few days---kinda strange especially when you have so many people around you!!! Trying to keep the positive attitude is soooo hard!!! Most of the time, I just try to do what I normally did before the cancer invaded our lives....going on like nothing is different. Yesterday, I decided to defrost the freezer we have in our garage (it was over run with ice when one child got into it and didn't get it closed all the way last year...... Any way, the more I chipped away at the ice, the more upset I got over the cancer. The thought that keeps invading my mind is WHAT IF ALL OF THIS DOESN'T WORK? Up to now, I really haven't broken down and gotten real emotional. Every once in a while I would cry a little, but this has been a major break down. I guess with the time between treatments and now with last week's delay, knowing that I will have to get the daily Neupogen shots, etc., etc. IT ALL JUST GOT TO ME!!!

At any rate, I finally broke today before we left to take our daughter back to school and told my husband how I felt. We have never discussed the possibility of my not making it because he is so sure that I will survive---wish I could be as emphatic about it as he is!!! Ever since this started, we have just gone from one thing to another almost immediately----hard to believe that it has been almost 10 weeks since this started. Now I am second guessing our decisions and the treatment I am having, etc. After reading a lot of the earlier posts here, I feel like I have not been very active or knowledgeable about my cancer and treatment. I feel like I am just going along with what I am told and wondering now if I should be doing something different. Every time I search for more information and find it, I am more upset and scared than I was before. (I am a worry wart!!) I know that this isn't good for me, but I guess that the fear has finally sunk in---too much time on my hands? Since I do not work, I do not have too much to keep my mind busy so that I don't think about the dark side of this disease. I pray, but I feel that I'm doing something wrong. I don't feel God telling me anything. The scariest part is that deep down, I feel that I am to be preparing everyone to be without me. My pastor is to call me tomorrow so that I can visit with him before my treatment on Tuesday AM. My husband really wants me to stay positive---and I do too. I DO NOT WANT TO DIE!!! I also know that these feelings are not helping me either. How can I change this? Also, I am having a hard time trying to eat better. There are many foods I do not like and/or will not eat. Therefore, the nutrition thing is a big concern for me. How can I be sure that what I am doing and eating is good for me and helping me to battle this beast? I do not do change very easily. Also, where do I go to do research on my cancer, the drugs that they use, nutrition, etc.? I am all of a sudden feeling so lost....almost like I am just starting out.

Tuesday will hopefully see me having my third A/C treatment. I am so unsure of how to approach the nurse about the possibility of my having a reaction to the anti-nausea drugs that I get and/or asking to have the drip slowed down so that I don't get the headache. Also, can anyone give me some more info on the Neupogen shots? I know that they are daily for 5-10 days. Where do they give the shots (arm, stomach, etc.)? I also know that they can make you feel like you have the flu--achey and yucky. Anything else I should know? I have tried to find info on the web....but nothing shows up.

Well, I KNOW that I have written a small book here, but I am just feeling really down and so unsure. I have always been the type to just take things as they are presented to me and feel like such a child about not being more aggressive up front. I talk a good fight, but when it comes down to really doing the confrontation....I whimp out. Actually, any time that I have been assertive and taken a stand, I have gotten myself into trouble!!

Thanks to you all for listening. Any help (and figurative "kicks in the butt") you can give would be most appreciated. I think that the baby is about ready to give it up for the night, so I will close and get us both to bed. After all, I have to be well rested before I let them "stick" me again in the AM. (Please pray that my WBC is really good tomorrow so that I can have the chemo on Tuesday.) Sure hope everyone has a great week!!! Again, sorry for the "book".

Blessings to all......Wendy

PS---Thanks to all of you who have answered my recent posts and sent me e-mails. They are all very much appreciated. I intend to write back to you all, but I haven't had the time lately. Hopefully, now that company has come and gone and one spring break is over (one to go the week after Easter) I will get to it. I know that I have promised things to some of you and I am still working on getting them together. Please don't give up on me-----I am just a bit slow. :-)

pamtriggs's picture
Posts: 407
Joined: Sep 2000

Dear Wendy

Try not to feel too down. When we are first diagnosed & are into treatments so much is happening that it is hard to analyze your feelings. Also everyone is very suportive especially at the beginning that we do not have time to think. The fact that you are now wanting to find out more is a good sign as it shows you are now wanting to take charge of your life & treatments & not just let things happen to yopu. Some of us need to know what is going on & what is available out there & some don't. I am a need to know everything type & have driven my oncolgist crazy with questions but at least I feel in charge of my life. That feeling you may not make it is also natural. John was very hard to talk to about this as he wasn't prepared to even entertain the idea that I might not make it. Finally a few weeks ago I convinced him that that attitude did not help me. I needed him to acknowledge my fears about not making it. It does not make you any less positive about outcomes but settles your mind. Try to get him to talk about this. With such a young baby it must be very scary for you so try to stay strong but accept that a good crying bout is very good for the soul. As far as foods go I believe man was meant to be an omnivore. Just look at our teeth. Just eat what you are comfortable with & try to stay away from foods with additives like chickens & eggs that are not free range. They have heaps of hormones in them which is not good for us BC ladies. Will be thinking of you & will say extra prayers for you tonite. LOL Pam

Posts: 114
Joined: Feb 2001

With tears in my eyes---a BIG "Thank You" for your words of encouragement, Pam. They really mean a lot. More later, but I wanted to say thanks right now.


Posts: 335
Joined: Aug 2000

Hello Wendy, I know exactaly what you are feeling right now. When I was first dx, I took it in stride and went on smiling. I researched and talked the big talk to everyone. All my family members and friends told me how they admired me and my great attitude. For the most part, I did have a great attitude, but about the 2nd and 3rd A/C, I started feeling very unsafe. I would read all the posts about recurrences and my insides would get shaky and I would cry for no other reason than fear for what lies ahead. But now, after much thought and prayer, I do accept that we all live and we all die. Even though there are things we need to do here on earth, we must go when GOD calls our name. There has been a rash of car wreck fatalities with teens here in MO. They have been hill jumping in cars and several youngsters have been killed. They did not have cancer and had their whole future ahead of them. Try to stop dwelling on your future and live today, each day. Thats all we have, whether we have cancer or not. I do think the A/C causes some depression along with the worry we have. I am sure your frame of mind will improve when you finish the A/C part of treatment. Wendy, get your bible and hold it in your lap. Say a prayer and ask GOD to speak to you. Then open the bible at random...Read each side of the page and I truly believe there will be a message to you there. About nutrition, everytime I look into nutrition for cancer, I get confused. There is a lot of info about fruit and vegetables and grains, it all seems to tell us to give up all meats. I use www.askjeeves a lot and there are many sites about nutrition and alternative treatments. I don't eat as much meat as I did, but I still do eat meat. Wendy, I wish I could say more to comfort you, It hurts my heart to think of you being afraid and feeling so low. All I can do is pray for you to receive inner peace and please know that I thinking of you. Love and a Great big hug, Nancy S

Posts: 114
Joined: Feb 2001

Hi, Nancy. Just wanted to say a quick "Thank You" for your reply and the words of encouragement. I am sitting here with tears in my eyes reading Pam's and your messages. I will write more later, but I did want to at least say "thanks!" up front.


Posts: 1416
Joined: Mar 2001

Hi Wendy,
Just sent you an e-mail and then read your post. Half the battle my dear is talking about it. All to often we try and spare the very ones around us trying to make it easier on everyone and forget about US and our fight for our lives. I am so happy there is a place that people can go and dump their feelings. IT IS A RELEASE...
I did the shot thing but found three days was all I could ever do, any more and I was jolting like I was being electrified. I was one of the first who took it up here. They knew nothing about the dosage even. I had had a blood infection and it took 8 days to get my white count up. I was in the hospital unable to eat their crap they called food.I was on the verge. That delayed my third chemo treatment. After that I had shots after chemo for three days. All they are trying to do is just keep white up, sperning the marrow into production.
I too feel bad when I wonder if it was all worth it now that I have so many other things affecting my life today. I have found I am just grateful seeing the new blossom and the green grass. I look around and it all reminds me how beautiful life can be.
You have to get nutrition into you. You need to think about milk shakes, protien shakes, do alittle ensure or boost with ice cream. My motto was what ever it took I needed to get it into me and I learned to be a good force feeder. Like most, who want to eat when your feeling shitty. I wish hospitals realized if they fed their patients better they would be out sooner.
Glad to hear you enjoyed your daughters visit. An Easter Wish sent to you all.
Be good to yourself,

Posts: 114
Joined: Feb 2001

Thanks for the reply, Tara. Your encouragement is very meaningful and I am truly grateful for you----and it. Will write more later, but wanted to say a quick "Thanks!" Have a great day.


Posts: 292
Joined: Oct 2000

Wendy my friend, first off do not apologize for writing alot, it is a great way to ease your stress.Believe me, when I get on here I ramble on and on about nothing, but it makes me feel better. Getting your husband to talk about your fears is a big issue. I kept my fears of death ,funeral etc all bottled up inside, then one day last month, I just broke down. I cried and cried and he just held me in his arms ,then finally I talked to him about what was bothering me, and it felt better. Now I feel some sort of peace of mind that I got it out in the open. I have been doing this for the past year and four months now, it does get easier as time goes on. After my sixth dose of A/C, I had to tell my onco that I needed a break, I literally felt like I was going insane. After the break I was back to new again.j It does get tiring, but we just have to keep plugging away at it. When it gets to be too much for me, i just go to the mall with a friend and wander around mindlessly.
As for your appetite, well, dont be so damn fussy and eat!! After my chemo I eat mashed potatoes,egg salad sandwhiches and yogurt. The yogurt is great to settle your belly and replace the good bacteria that the chemo kills, and it is good for us. Mashed potatos go down really nicely, especially when my taste buds are out of whack. If your taste buds are yucky after your chemo, try sucking on a lemon candy, it really helps.
I dont know what else to say exept, you ARE going to pull through this with flying colors,and go on to have a wonderful life, because we just wont have it any other way!! Girl, stay with us and we will get you through this. Now take a nice warm,candlelit bubble bath, let your hubby look after the little one,and just lay there and bawl your eyes out if you feel like it.Wow, it feels great afterwards. I love to do that, but you know what else is great when you are feeling down in the dumps? SEX!! Yup, good down and dirty sex!! Releases tension, good exercise,and you can release alot of emotions.
Take care of yourself and remember that you are in my heart and in my prayers.
hugs from Tiger

Posts: 114
Joined: Feb 2001

Thanks, Tiger!!

Don't know where I'd be without you!!! Are you sure you are only 31? You are much wiser beyond your years.....I feel like the kid here!! You put a smile on my face, and I have yet to be able to discuss all the fears, etc. with my husband.....always seems to be something else that needs to get done--picking up or dropping off kids, etc. Soon, though. The bubble bath sounds good, will try that one of these days.....maybe after my chemo today. As for the sex......I don't think that I am ready for that yet. It has been almost 1 year since we have had sex, but that is another story.

Take care and good luck today. I will be thinking of you while I have my treatment.

Blessings and hugs......Wendy

Posts: 26
Joined: Mar 2001


I felt down last week and thank God I snapped myself out of it. I do know about the nuprigen shots. I just had five and will have five more after my treatment of Taxol and Herceptin tomorrow. They can give them to you in your arm or leg. The first time I got them, I didn't have any aches or pains, but the second time I got them I had lower back pain, and pain in my upper thighs. Nothing I couldn't stand after a couple of tylenol. I have a daughter starting college this fall, so I guess I'll know how you feel pretty soon. I am really going to miss her. Everyone has told me support groups really help, so I am going to try one. I will let you know how it goes. I know its hard to stay positive, but I do believe a positive attitude really helps to kick this thing in the butt. So instead of us kicking you in the pants, lets kick this cancer in the butt. We can't let it beat us. God Bless and keep positive!!!

Posts: 114
Joined: Feb 2001

Hi, Luella!!

Thanks for the response and the words of encouragement. They really mean a lot to me. I also appreciated the info on the Neupogen. As much as I like getting stuck with needles (NOT!!!), I guess that they will be worth it. Thanks, again!!


Posts: 114
Joined: Feb 2001

Hi, Marty!!

Thanks you for your response and the encouragement. I agree with what you said about worrying. Just wish I could keep the doubts at bay. :-) Anyway, I am feeling a bit better tonight---have another treatment later this AM, so am getting anxious about that.

Better go, but wanted to say a quick "thanks"
for the response. It is so great to have so many friends here. I will write more later.


mjdp2's picture
Posts: 142
Joined: Nov 2000

Dear Wendy,
This chemo puts you on an emotional roller coaster ride. There were times I'd lay on the sofa so weak and tired I'd fall asleep and not care if I'd ever wake up. I'd wonder about where I'd be buried in case I didn't make it (the cemetery near the Costco so that my family could bring me flowers after they'd drop off their film for developing!!) I'd even think of who I could fix my hubby up with at my church so that he wouldn't have to spend the rest of his life unpampered. Well all of that was a waste of my precious energy. My daughter was in college at the time. She graduated last year and today started her first day at Amgen, the makers of Neupogen. She brought home this white T-shirt with a giant red corpuscle (sp) on it. She originally took my diagnosis very hard, almost 3 years ago. But wanting to see her and my son graduate kept me fighting. Your four kids, husband, extended family and faith in God will be your strength and inspiration. We are not giving up on you so you musn't either. Blessings, Margaret

Posts: 114
Joined: Feb 2001

Thanks, Margaret. How was Texas? Glad you are back with us!! Talk with you soon.


Posts: 130
Joined: Nov 2000

Hi Wendy, sorry you are having such a hard time. I can relate to the part of your daughter leaving. When my daughter went away to college I thought I would surely die.She was only 110 miles away but it might as well been 1000. We had always been so close & I couldn't stand the thought of not having here there all the time again. Well she has been out of college & teaching for 7 years now so you can see I survived. We are still very close & she has blessed us with two beautiful granddaughters. It is just hard when your kids leave home. As far as second guessing your decisions I am the world's worst. I make a decision & then always wonder if I should have done something different. You just have to do what you feel is best for you & that you can be comfortable with. Sounds like your family has been very supportive & that is great. It just makes such a difference. I did not have to have chemo or radiation so I have not had that experience. I think all of you ladies that have been through all of that deserve a big round of applause. Just from what I know about it, it must be hard. But you do what you have to do to beat this cancer. You need to be there years down the road for yourself & for your family. Just try your best to keep a positive attitude & I know that is not always easy. When things are really getting to me I just try to stay busy. I get lots of work done that way. I just do anything that will keep me busy to keep my mind occupied, whether it be cleaning, working in the yard or whatever. I will keep you in my prayers. You will get through this. Judy

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