Apr 02, 2001 - 2:36 am
I am just feeling a bit more blue today. We just took our oldest daughter back to college (120 miles away) after having her home for 2 weeks on spring break. I didn't think that I would ever miss her this much!!! At least I have the other children and now back to the regular "rat race"! To boot, everyone has gone to sleep except for me---and the baby!!! So, I am passing time until she is finally ready to give it up for the night. (This time change is really going to cause a problem until she gets used to it.)
Amyway, I have been feeling quite lonely the last few days---kinda strange especially when you have so many people around you!!! Trying to keep the positive attitude is soooo hard!!! Most of the time, I just try to do what I normally did before the cancer invaded our lives....going on like nothing is different. Yesterday, I decided to defrost the freezer we have in our garage (it was over run with ice when one child got into it and didn't get it closed all the way last year...... Any way, the more I chipped away at the ice, the more upset I got over the cancer. The thought that keeps invading my mind is WHAT IF ALL OF THIS DOESN'T WORK? Up to now, I really haven't broken down and gotten real emotional. Every once in a while I would cry a little, but this has been a major break down. I guess with the time between treatments and now with last week's delay, knowing that I will have to get the daily Neupogen shots, etc., etc. IT ALL JUST GOT TO ME!!!
At any rate, I finally broke today before we left to take our daughter back to school and told my husband how I felt. We have never discussed the possibility of my not making it because he is so sure that I will survive---wish I could be as emphatic about it as he is!!! Ever since this started, we have just gone from one thing to another almost immediately----hard to believe that it has been almost 10 weeks since this started. Now I am second guessing our decisions and the treatment I am having, etc. After reading a lot of the earlier posts here, I feel like I have not been very active or knowledgeable about my cancer and treatment. I feel like I am just going along with what I am told and wondering now if I should be doing something different. Every time I search for more information and find it, I am more upset and scared than I was before. (I am a worry wart!!) I know that this isn't good for me, but I guess that the fear has finally sunk in---too much time on my hands? Since I do not work, I do not have too much to keep my mind busy so that I don't think about the dark side of this disease. I pray, but I feel that I'm doing something wrong. I don't feel God telling me anything. The scariest part is that deep down, I feel that I am to be preparing everyone to be without me. My pastor is to call me tomorrow so that I can visit with him before my treatment on Tuesday AM. My husband really wants me to stay positive---and I do too. I DO NOT WANT TO DIE!!! I also know that these feelings are not helping me either. How can I change this? Also, I am having a hard time trying to eat better. There are many foods I do not like and/or will not eat. Therefore, the nutrition thing is a big concern for me. How can I be sure that what I am doing and eating is good for me and helping me to battle this beast? I do not do change very easily. Also, where do I go to do research on my cancer, the drugs that they use, nutrition, etc.? I am all of a sudden feeling so lost....almost like I am just starting out.
Tuesday will hopefully see me having my third A/C treatment. I am so unsure of how to approach the nurse about the possibility of my having a reaction to the anti-nausea drugs that I get and/or asking to have the drip slowed down so that I don't get the headache. Also, can anyone give me some more info on the Neupogen shots? I know that they are daily for 5-10 days. Where do they give the shots (arm, stomach, etc.)? I also know that they can make you feel like you have the flu--achey and yucky. Anything else I should know? I have tried to find info on the web....but nothing shows up.
Well, I KNOW that I have written a small book here, but I am just feeling really down and so unsure. I have always been the type to just take things as they are presented to me and feel like such a child about not being more aggressive up front. I talk a good fight, but when it comes down to really doing the confrontation....I whimp out. Actually, any time that I have been assertive and taken a stand, I have gotten myself into trouble!!
Thanks to you all for listening. Any help (and figurative "kicks in the butt") you can give would be most appreciated. I think that the baby is about ready to give it up for the night, so I will close and get us both to bed. After all, I have to be well rested before I let them "stick" me again in the AM. (Please pray that my WBC is really good tomorrow so that I can have the chemo on Tuesday.) Sure hope everyone has a great week!!! Again, sorry for the "book".
Blessings to all......Wendy
PS---Thanks to all of you who have answered my recent posts and sent me e-mails. They are all very much appreciated. I intend to write back to you all, but I haven't had the time lately. Hopefully, now that company has come and gone and one spring break is over (one to go the week after Easter) I will get to it. I know that I have promised things to some of you and I am still working on getting them together. Please don't give up on me-----I am just a bit slow. :-)