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Help, freaking out

tiger
Posts: 292
Joined: Oct 2000

Hi there ladies. Well, here I go again, I am going to ramble and leave it to you to try and make some sense of it all. I feel like just freaking out, I want to sit down by myself and cry and cry ,but I feel like I am making a big deal out of nothing. I have been so positive and strong through all of this, but now I am getting so scared again, I have a ct scan coming up in March, I know in my head and my heart that it is going to be ok, but being a woman, well those irrational thoughts and emotions are kicking in. I have been keeping myself busy, trying not to think about it, but it seems as if my mind is in a deep funk right now. I know I have cancer, but just thinking about it makes me sick to my stomach.Being cooped up in the house with a rambunctious three year old does not help. It is even too cold to go outside to play. -40 today. Brr.I know things will be ok, there really is no other option for me, I think part of it is that i am finally able to relax my guard for a bit. going through chemo was rough, but I HAD to keep my mind strong and positive, and now that i am done and things so far are looking good, I think I am let down that I can relax, I am a fighter at heart. I heard from Pat Sharkey the other day, and I cried, I was so happy, she is pretty much feeling the same way i am, but I was able to talk her up, and I felt stronger afterwards. Maybe I should go on the road, preaching to cancer patients, then I would be really strong!!! Thank you for letting me ramble again, I have to sign off, my youngest is hungry, AGAIN!!
Hugs from Tiger xoxo

nancys
Posts: 336
Joined: Aug 2000

Rosa, I wish I could just put my arms around you and hug you and tell you not to be afraid. That fear is an old friend to you by now. You have beat it down so many times before and now that it looks like you are winning, you are afraid to beleive. BELEIVE!!!!! Your tumors were gone at your last CT and they are STILL GONE. I know it is hard to always feel positive and we do have to cry sometimes, it's just impossible that we do not resent this disease, but IT WILL NOT WIN OVER YOU!!!!! This long cold winter has not improved our spirits any. I know when the sun comes out, I feel like a different person. Just remember that your whole family here, prays for you a lot and prayer is AWESOME. Love, Nancy

tiger
Posts: 292
Joined: Oct 2000

Thanks mom, I feel better now. How is your son making out with your computer? There is a 'kak worm' virus going around, we have the Norton Anti virus and it picked up on it earlier this evening. I know, this snow really sucks, we just keep getting dumped on. Last night is rained, then freezing rain and then snow. Yuck, makes a nice mess on the roads. Pam can have as much snow as she wants!! We have tons to spare. It is staying lighter now for a bit longer, it is dusk around 6:15, instead of 5:00, spring will be upon us before we know it!! Well, thanks for the perk up, just what I needed. I know I am too stubborn to let this get me down for long!!
love and hugs, Tiger xo

tiger
Posts: 292
Joined: Oct 2000

Thank you all so much for the positive thoughts. I dont know what it is ,but one day i feel so strong and happy, then the next day I feel like crying. I actually do want to do some volunteer work in the near future. Having all of you to cry with, laugh with, and share thoughts with, has helped me in so many different ways. I would like to be there for someone in my community to help them. I am hopefully getting a treadmill today, I will set it up in my bedroom and use that for exercise. I love walking, and i find it a big stress relief. I think what I have to do first is sit down and have that cry that I have been putting off. I am not weaker for crying, but stronger for being able to show, and cope with my emotions. I hope all goes well for you all. You are so important to me,and my husband appreciates the time I spend talking to you all.It saves on his nerves, and heart. He has a heart the size of the sun,and just as warm. Without his hugs and laughter, I would never have come this far.
all my love and best wishes, and millions of hugs to you all.
Love from Tiger xo

judyd
Posts: 130
Joined: Nov 2000

Hi Tiger, I haven't been on here for a few days so I just read your message. You are such a strong person and soooo positive but you are also only human. All the feelings you are feeling aren't anything any of the rest of us haven't felt at some time. It is okay to cry. Nothing does me better than a good 'ole cry once in a while. You have been through so much & you have done great, especially mentally. Helping others seems to help you. It does me also. It takes your mind off of things going on with yourself. I wish you the very best and continue to keep you in my thoughts & prayers. Have a great day. Judy "The Lord is using your life to paint a beautiful picture of his love."

sueholm's picture
sueholm
Posts: 221
Joined: Oct 2000

Tiger...I wonder if you provided your own answer....you said maybe i should go on the road....Now, maybe that is a bit too ambitious for the moment....but how about one day a week helping out at an old folks home, or some other similar organization....when we are preoccupied with our own problems it is hard to decide to help others, but obviously it helps you when you do. I know it would cost you in babysitting likely, but it may very well be worth the investment...in your well being...And I think cruf was right...don't forget it is very normal to get cabin fever around this time of year...so dont be too hard on yourself! My daugher was diagnosed with MS when she was 19...it took her some time not to imagine that every little ache and pain was part of MS. One of our favorite sayings was....Just becasue you have MS doenst mean you wont get all life's other aches and pains. Love Susan

cherdaetwyler
Posts: 165
Joined: Dec 2000

hey girl,
I know you are doing better. Sorry i didn't write when you were reaaly down

but I was only reading on this site because I was doing duty as a listening shoulder for
two friends who won't try to get on here who are waiting to hear about
test results. they are both still waiting, one should hear today, the other
only goes for mammo's next week I think, ...they have both been trudging
through the "slough of despiar"
it would be recurrence for both of them.

but hang in there. keep your terrific faith in yourself.

luv ya, cher

cruf
Posts: 931
Joined: Oct 2000

Hi Tiger! Winter is a hard time of year emotionally for everyone . Being cooped up in the house because of the bad weather and being deprived of Vit. D from the sun causes alot of depression. It's important to keep busy. Keep your mind active. You've come a long way helping yourself through BC as well as helping many other people. It's ok to feel down once in a while but it's more important to feel good too!Go do something special. Have a massage or go to a show or go on a special weekend outing and have fun!!! You deserve it. Cathy

debw
Posts: 109
Joined: Dec 2000

I think what you are feeling is "normal" for us. Last time I went through the anxiety/emotions I used St.John's Wort and it helped. I would love to see you go on a tour. I would come see you. If you book near Pocatello, Idaho let me know. Love Debw

vinny
Posts: 46
Joined: Sep 2000

Tiger: You've been such a tower of strenght for everyone who reads this site, its your turn to get some pampering. But I have to agree with Nancy, this winter stuff really bites. It's too easy to get depressed and feel the blaahs. But I'm finding a ray of hope when I could look back and see how far I've come with this bc stuff. Just look back and see how strong you were going thru it all. Take a bubble bath, light candles, and have a glass of wine......after babies are sleeping of course. You'll feel great.
and Thank God for every precious day. vinnie

pamtriggs's picture
pamtriggs
Posts: 408
Joined: Sep 2000

Dear Rosa

I think it's because when you were on chemo you had something positive to fight. You could feel all the terible things it was doing to you & do something positive about them. Now it's just wait to see if the ***** beast is still lurking around somewhere. As Nancy said some St.John's Wort will probably help. Plus now is the time to call in all your resources in the form of all of us to whom you have given so much strength. So here goes from my little corner of the world. All the strength I can muster is coming your way for a wonderful lady who deserves every bit of it. When you give like you do it's bound to come back to you. Besides you have to stay well for my trip in August/September this year. If this bout of radiation settles things down we will be booking our flights & my cousin in Hamilton said she would love to drive us up to see you as she hasn't been to Lake Nipissing for years. So maybe that will give you an incentive to stay positive. My love & hugs to you. Your friend Pam

mjdp2's picture
mjdp2
Posts: 142
Joined: Nov 2000

Hi Tiger, Have you read "Chicken Soup for the Unsinkable Soul"? A friend who is a survivor of lymphona gave me a copy on Valentine's
Day and said it is about us. It contains 101 stories of overcoming life's challenges.
Take your 3 year old outside and build a humongous dinosaur with the snow. It will take hours
and then you can both sit on it after you are done. You'll also get a good nite's sleep.
Will pray for you. Give all your burdens to God and He will grant you peace. Love Margaret

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