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Help please

tiger
Posts: 292
Joined: Oct 2000

Hi guys, Tiger here, I am not feeling so much like a fighter right at this point, I thank you for your wonderful responses to my good news, but even though I know they are shrinking, I am still feeling depressed. I am tired all the time, my nerves are worn to a frazzle and I feel like crying all the time. I think I am getting to that point in the chemo where I need a little break from it all, I wish I could just go away to a spa for a day or two and unwind, as it is I feel like I am going to blow up any minute. My youngest son who is three, keeps me going constantly, I mean he is a real live wire and does not stop, and of course we have no family in the town we are currently living in, I would put him in part time daycare here on the airbase, but I am afraid of him bringing home colds or flu's which I really dont need. I think everything is building up inside me,but I dont know how to release it all, talking to you all really helps but do you ever get awful thoughts running through your head? Sometimes I feel like I should just end it all now myself, so my family doesnt have to go through all this bull, I think I am just really tired of the whole deal, I am sorry if it sounds like I am whining and I know we are all in this together,which is why I am asking you for your input,how do you cope with it all? Usually I am so upbeat and stubborn, but lately I just feel like laying down and going comatose.I know we have to fight like demons for what we want,and I dont want to loose the fighting spirit,so guys if you have any encouraging words,I really could use them right about now, you have all been so wonderful in supporting and responding to me ,I look forward to my daily log ins,and I look forward to hearing from you.Thank you so much for letting me vent and whine for a bit,it helps because you all know what i mean, I can cry on my husbands shoulders for a week and he can never know the emotions I am feeling.Once again, Thank you all.
Love and hugs, Tiger xoxox

jane38
Posts: 137
Joined: Aug 2000

Tiger, I know how you feel. Been there. Fortunately I did not have any small children around. Try talking to the base chaplain. Sometimes they know of other ladies who would be more than happy to take your little one for a while, to the park or to their house. Don't be afraid or embarrassed to ask for help. Unfortunately, that is one of the lessons with cancer, learning how and when to ask for help. Chemo will make you depressed. Just remember, you are bigger than chemo ever thought of being, and you are much stronger. You will win! Perhaps your husband can take the little one and let you take a bubble bath with soft music and lots of candles. You are not alone, Tiger. You have a lot of friends, and a great big Army fighting for you and with you. Hang in there. We love you. We need you. You are a shining light. If you want to talk about something personal and not for the group, please feel free to e-mail either at this site or at EJaneR38@AOL.com. I am always there for you and always will be. Let me know how you are. Jane

murphy
Posts: 45
Joined: Sep 2000

Tiger, Hi. I can tell from reading all your posts that you are a fighter, but even fighters get tired and need some help, don't be afraid to ask for it. It must be very difficult not to have other family around you at this time but maybe your doctor can put you intouch with someone that has been there and can be right there to hug you and it is OK for you to scream and shout at your cancer and tell it you want it to leave you alone, it is OK to really cry although you probably don't want to do that in front of your young child, is there someone who could take him for a few hours? Remember though I bet he wants his mom around for a very long time, and you can teach him to be a fighter like yourself. As if cancer isn't enough to make you feel really down, the chemo drugs will do that to you too. I have been there also but not as rough of time as you but I wish I was there to physically help you out, I would hug you and let you cry rivers on my shoulder and I would tell you there IS light at the end of the tunnel eventhough it may be a long tunnel with a bend or two. I found so much comfort in reading my Bible and praying, God was (and is) my constant friend and guide. I will keep you in my prayers. Stay well and keep fighting. Murphy

tiger
Posts: 292
Joined: Oct 2000

Tiger again, thank you for responding so quickly, I feel better knowing there ARE people who understand, been there and survived it all. At first I was so strong and had a kick ass attitude,but after such a prolonged period of time I am getting tired, actually last night I had a really good sleep and woke up this morning to discover that I started my period, something I have not had in three months,I actually feel better having it, I feel more normal,and for the past few months I was having Alot of pain in my other breast,very sore and tender, I cannot even wear a bra, but now it seems less tender, maybe it was a buildup from not having my cycle for so long. At any rate I feel fantastic ,more like my normal self today.I logged on first thing this morning because I knew someone would have answered, thats the nice thing about this site, there is always someone out there watching over us.My husband is wonderful about taking the kids out of my hair, or should I say scalp, for awhile, he knows just by looking at me that i need a break, so he will pack them up and go for a drive for a few hours. I do have friends here,but they all work and I do not want to be bothersome and ask them to take my youngest. i hate asking for help, but slowly I am overcoming my stubbornness.It is a nice day today,so we are going to put up the christmas lights, we will slowly get all the decorations up in the next two weeks, then start lighting the house up at night, there is a christmas deco contest on base here and i am determined to win this year. I love all the lights and garland,it is so cheerful. Thank you for being out there when I need you the most. All my love,thanks and hugs, Tiger xox

nancys
Posts: 336
Joined: Aug 2000

Good Morning Tiger, Sometimes sleep is a great healer for our emotions.I was very happy to hear your better spirits this morning. You mentioned wanting to go to s spa. Is there anywhere where you live that you could go for a massage? Here, some of the tanning bed shops and hair salons offer that. Try a day out to pamper Tiger...You are on an emotional roller coaster sweetheart, we all are, I am much older than you and my children are grown, but I still get anxiety and get nervous about all of this. That little whisper in the back of my head keeps saying, " what if" but I try to remember that GOD walks beside me and is my constant companion. Pray for inner peace and calm, I have done this at night just before falling asleep and the next morning I have that peaceful feeling in my heart. Remember at all times "THAT GOD IS AWESOME". Remember how your family loves and needs you and remember that they don't call you "TIGER" for nothing!!!! Your Friend, Nancy

nancys
Posts: 336
Joined: Aug 2000

Tiger, Nancy again, I always think of something else after I have shut down. Do you meditate? It really does help. Relax yourself and picture your thymus glad sending out all those cancer fighters. Why don't you picture your fighters as fierceous tigers devouring every cancer cell they see. I do not know for sure if this visualization really helps but there are a lot of studies now showing that our minds do have the abilitly to help heal and it sure does not hurt to try. Nancy

murphy
Posts: 45
Joined: Sep 2000

Hi Tiger, Murphy again. I am glad you are feeling more upbeat!! I read the posts from Nancy and I thought that was a pretty great idea about visuializing. I also wanted to mention that our loved ones and friends want more than anything to help us fight our cancer but I think at times cancer makes them feel helpless, they don't know how to fight the unknown so I found when I ask someone for help with a special need they were really glad I had asked and it made them feel like they were able to do something to really help. I am like you in the fact that asking was the hardest thing to do but I am so glad I did. And good luck with the lighting contest, hope you get 1st place. Stay well. Your Friend Murphy

jane38
Posts: 137
Joined: Aug 2000

Tiger, Jane here. So glad you are better. Bet your hormones were tearing you up yesterday. Glad your period helped to alleviate some of the stress and make you feel more human. Visualization is good. I used to visualize an army in white (white cells) going after the army in black (cancer cells) and mowing them down. It really helped me. Keep in touch, and keep that tiger spirit going. Jane

sueholm's picture
sueholm
Posts: 221
Joined: Oct 2000

hi, tiger, just read this message, then all the responses. they are a great bunch of women aren't they? i don't know whether i have anything to help - take what yu like and leave the rest behind..................i've suffered from depression unrelated to my cancer, and it scares me to think i will be susceptible to it when i start chemo, so i've been thinking about it quite a bit. i think one of the most tru things for me has been to keep reminding myself - this too shall pass! i got that phrase drummed into me in AA and it has stood me in good stead. i also have to tell yself that when i am depressed the depression is doing the thinking for me, so i cannot trust anything, or any decision made at that time. talking about it helps a great deal, as yu just found out, and i have also found that music helps, as does a bit of exercise. i agree with the other ladies, too, about asking for help. all my life i prided myself on being strong, until i realized, duh, that it's ok not to be. i finally realized i was human! with this cancer thing - i start chemo next week - i have been determined to learn from my previous mistakes, and have asked a number of people to check up on me, visit, etc. and they seem really pleased to be of help! that's the amazing thing. they don't see it as imposing on them at all. anyway, tiger, i hope something here has been of help, for the next time yu feel really low. i had a dreadful day yesterday - felt as if i was a lamb going to slaughter! and some pills bunged up my system! you would think, to hear me yesterday, that it was the end of the world! but it wasn't, after all! take care tiger, susan

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