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Coming Unglued - January 2016

I hope these posts are helpful to someone.  They are a little diary of my journey.  I am trying to post them in order.  First time blogger. 


So, my appointment for the biopsy came pretty fast. Sally Jobe ladies were doing what they could to squeeze me in anywhere at any time. That alone was a little nerve wracking. Everywhere I went with this group, the people were friendly and the service was excellent.  They walked me though all of it.  They were helpful and anytime I looked lost, there was someone there to let me know where to be/go. 


I did not ask J (Jay) join me for this one.  I thought it would be pretty simple.  They were going to numb the side of the boob, take a quick sample and then do the biopsy.  It all seemed pretty simple. 


Well, first I was brought in to a waiting area where I would take off everything on the top half and put it in a locker.  They had warm cloth gowns for us to put on.  All the ladies sat in the waiting area wearing pink.  That makes me nuts, but we can talk about that later.  Because I had been squeezed in for every appointment I had, sometimes that meant I had to wait.  No problem.  I made many of these at lunch time or the end of the day.  


Next, I was brought into a room where I could meet the doctor that was going to do the biopsy.  He was very nice and very informative.  When he introduced himself, I called him by his first name. YIKES!! That is not very nice I thought!! He went to school for a long time to deserve to be called DR.  Sometimes I am just an ***.  I apologized.  He accepted and said it was ok.  He told me they would take me back and prep me shortly. 


Once they were ready, I was taken into a room with 3 ladies.  They all had to introduce themselves to me.  One was prepping me, one was working on setting up the tools and one was just holding my hand.  They were great!! I was a little nervous, but I figured the numbing stuff would work and it would be fine.  My biggest fear is pain.  Not that I think many people are a fan, I just hate to be poked with needles.  Needles seem to be my kryptonite.  We made small talk while they were setting up.  They had nice warm blankets for the rest of me. I was so happy!! It felt a little strange having 3-4 people in a room while I was 1/2 naked, but at the same time, that was partially because I was 1/2 dressed in street clothes.  Being the restaurant person that I am, I was wondering how they could have a "steril" room when I had all those outdoor germs on me.  Then, of all things, I thought of small poverty stricken countries and miltiary people who are cared for in the field.  They live and I will live.


Ok, we are getting started now.  The nurses and doctor had to introduce themselves to me again, walk through the procedure again and then we could get started.   As the doctor was getting ready, I was laying on my side.  I really could not see the instruments and really did not want to.  Since I don’t like needles, all I could picture was this giant needle that was going to be used.  I did NOT want to see that.  Before he came in, one of the nurses had to make the clicking of the biopsy tool.  Remember the little spring loaded lance that they used in grade school to prick your finger and test your blood? That is what it sounded like, only bigger.  Made sense.  Seemed that it would be even better.  A nice quick spring loaded needle/tube to go in and grab some TUMOR. 


Now it's time.  He asked if I was ready. "Ready as I am getting".  Ok, we are going to take our first core.  One, two, three - BLAM!! F....UDGE was what came to mind.  What I did was start laughing.  I was laughing and they asked if I was ok.  I said no.  That really hurt.  I wanted to come off the table and hit people.  That hurt more than anything I can remember.  It hurt so much that it still hurt.  During all this thinking and talking, that SOB still hurt.  It felt like someone tazered my nipple.  WTF!!! The lady that was holding my hand said that I could squeeze it.  I thought, sure, and then you have to have surgery because I rip your hand off with the death grip that I must now possess from this pain.  Now I was starting to "leak" a little.  I could no longer hold my breath and laugh this off.  They all kept telling me to breath.  "I don’t want to breathe!" I thought.  Then I will really start crying.  Then it came.  The thought that put me over the edge.  The self - pity that I thought I could ignore.  Nope, there it was.  Why would this go easy!! Why would this be numb enough that I would not feel it? Why should I be able to do this simple little procedure and have it work correctly? That is not my life!! That is not my Murphy (as in Murphy's Law).  I was now pissed.  Again, I wanted to hit stuff and yell at the doctor.  He said, "oh, we must have hit a nerve." Well, isnt that just Effing great!! Of course you did!! Right out of the gate!!


I continued to try to keep it together, but that was not going to happen.  I started crying while telling myself to get it together.  I was mad that I even had that moment of self-pity.  I was mad that it was so painful.  I was mad that I was mad.  I was mad that I was crying.  At this point, I am sobbing so hard they have to take a minute so that I can stop shaking.  They start asking questions like, "how did you get here"…"do you need…" NO!! I say through a locked jaw.  I am fine.  "You are not fine," they tell me.  Ok, I will BE FINE - I think to myself.  I will be able to drive myself home.  NO, we don’t need to call J.  I just need a couple damn minutes to regroup!! While I know they are just the nicest people and they are trying to help, all I want them to do is SHUT UP.  Breath…. Breath…. Breath.  I have to breath.  I am now 1000 degrees and sweating.  You know, the kind when you are in so much pain your entire body attacks you.  They are wiping the tears from my face and there are fewer and fewer as I get myself back together. 


"Should we proceed, or do you want a break?" Mind you, it has only been 3 minutes or so.  NOPE.  Just keep going.  Can't hurt worse than that at this point.  Let's just do this and get it over with.  I am back.  I am back to me and going to finish this damn biopsy and get the hell out of there.  The rest of the procedure is fine and really does not hurt more than a little needle prick. 

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