I feel dead inside...

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RachelMarie
RachelMarie Member Posts: 10 Member
in Caregivers #1

My husbands cancer has been over (the docs told him there was only a 5 percent chance of it ever coming back) had and neck cancer.  He sits all day long, his teeth are gone, yet he refuses to go and get any dentistry done. He has always been difficult to live with, emotionally abusive.  He was so mean to mean during the cancer. Telling me I was no good, wanting me to be with him 24/7, but at the same time criticizing everything I did. This was in our regular part of our marriage too but more intense during the cancer. 

 

Anyway, he has survived for 4 years. 4 years of me waiting on him hand and foot. My family thinks he is milking this for all its worth, but I am wondering if he doesn't have chronic fatigue from the treatments. He is manipulative. I have left him 2 times in the last year because I feel so smothered. He watches my every move, I made a plane reservation to go visit my brother last night and ended up cancelling it because he says he can't drive me to the airport because his eyes are bad and uber is too expensive. Always a problem, always an excuse. He sleeps about 20 hours per day. Goes from the recliner to the bed to the bathroom. Tries to help with chores when I compain, and then I end up doing them anyway because he can't complete them. 

 

I am so sick of living like this. After his cancer, I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and the doctor said it was brought on by the tramatic expierience I went through when he had cancer. I am in daily pain, yet I push myself to get things done. He won't even eat anything unless I make it for him. 

 

Last week, I left him again, but then the old guilt kicks in and I come back. We have been married for 21 years, and with him being "sick" and all, I just don't know if it is morally right to leave. I don't love him anymore. The sex with him was degrading and after the cancer and the fibro pain I told him I was no longer having sex. He threatened that our marriage would suffer, but I didn't care, he told me if he got prostate cancer it would be my fault because I wasn't taking care of him. That did it. I took care of him for months and months all the diarrhea, throwing up, sleeping in a hospital room, him degrading me in front of the nursing staff, to only hear that one day 3 years ago.  

 

He has nobody but me. My sisters won't come over anymore, and my brother won't stay here when he visits. Nobody likes him. Why do I stay? I don't want to. I have soc sec disability for my fibro and migraines, and it is not much but it could get me by. 

 

Any advice? I don't want to do an immoral thing. I don't want to leave someone alone. I am just so tired of giving 24/7 right down to getting his donut every morning, and if I don't..... he will just sit there until he will get it on his own. The other night he made a huge deal about replacing a light bulb in the lamp. I refused to get up and help him.  He fell and broke his arm in December and I was promptly informed that he won't be able to do anything for a while, it was all on me. He was helping me more then.  Now all these months later, he still says he can't do anything even after the dr told him to go out and wash the car. 

 

Sorry for the rant. I am so unhappy. 

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  • CSN_Ken
    CSN_Ken admin Posts: 9
    #2
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    Hi RachelMarie,

    Hi RachelMarie,

    My name is Ken and I am a member of the CSN Support Team. First, I would like to express how sorry I am that you are in this difficult situation. Cancer affects everyone in different ways and at times it can be especially challenging. If you are interested in seeking some emotional support we have a variety of resources that may be available to you. Most importantly, we want you to know that you are not alone. 

    The American Cancer Society is available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week to find the assistance you need. I hope you will reach out to us soon. If you think it would be helpful, you may also consider contacting the National Hopeline Network. They can help individuals who are struggling to cope with any thoughts and feelings. Their number is 1-800-784-2433 - or they can be reached through chat at https://www.imalive.org 

    We wish you the best during this tough time,

    Ken

    CSN Support Team

     

  • Mrsyohen
    Mrsyohen Member Posts: 8 Member
    edited April 2021 #3
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    You can find your happiness again.

    Have you considered connecting with a spiritual advisor or psychologist for support and guidance as you explore ways to cope and find yourself without the guilt?  It’s a tough journey because on some levels you may feel helpless, angry, resentful and lonely due the entire situation, including shattered dreams. You owe it to yourself to TAKE CARE OF SELF, for your own health and wellness. Then there may be more fuel in your human tank to extend to another.  Take care. Wishing the best For you and your husband. 

  • Mrsyohen
    Mrsyohen Member Posts: 8 Member
    edited April 2021 #4
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    You can find your happiness again.

    You can do it!

  • daphneje
    daphneje Member Posts: 5
    #5
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    My 30 year old son called

    My 30 year old son called from across country last year to tell us he has cancer. He (we) have endured 6 rounds of inpatient chemo, radiation, 8 surgeries including a leg amputation, lung surgery...and he still has cancer. It has ruined everyone's lives. We are all depressed and discouraged. I see no way out and no good end to this torture. I fantasize about running away. I've tried meds and counseling. Nothing has helped. Any advice for me?

  • Mrsyohen
    Mrsyohen Member Posts: 8 Member
    edited June 2021 #6
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    daphneje said:

    My 30 year old son called

    My 30 year old son called from across country last year to tell us he has cancer. He (we) have endured 6 rounds of inpatient chemo, radiation, 8 surgeries including a leg amputation, lung surgery...and he still has cancer. It has ruined everyone's lives. We are all depressed and discouraged. I see no way out and no good end to this torture. I fantasize about running away. I've tried meds and counseling. Nothing has helped. Any advice for me?

    Hope you found support.

    The cancer dx and treatment affects everyone in different ways. There’s no right way to cope or bypass all the physical and emotional pain. Contact your pcp and find a really good therapist to help you cope. It’s tough. I’m sorry you have to be a part of this club, because it’s mean spirited, lonely and stalls your life. But, I believe you will see better days ahead. Hang in there...you’re not alone. 

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