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Losing Hope

asnider13
Posts: 1
Joined: Jul 2020

Hello everyone who reads this.

 

I am sorry if this doesn't belong in this forum, but I'm not sure where else to go. I am not a cancer survivor, but my mom is 3x over. She was first diagnosed in 2014 with colon cancer and went through chemo and we were hopeful that it would be the only time she would have to endure that ever again. Unfortunately it returned in 2017, then again in 2019. This last round  was the worst yet, she went into surgery thinking they were just going to remove some tumors and woke up with a colostmy, it was a really rough period. She just finished chemo in February, and we were hopeful that maybe it would be a little while before we saw a reoccurence, or at all. We just learned the cancer has now metastisized onto her liver. It just feels like a never ending battle.

She is still in good spirits and keeps saying she wants to fight, and I will always support what she wants to do 100%. She is my best friend and I've seen her through 3 treatments and I'll see her through however many more. It's just hard not to see this as a losing battle. I don't want to accept that this will be what takes her because this isn't how it's supposed to be. She is 60 and still has both her moms (adopted). I'm almost 30 and have spent almost my entire 20's taking care of her. I want her to be around when I'm 60. It's hard to face that she may not be. 

 

How do you keep hope when it just continually hurts to do so? I want to hope, but with every diagnosis it feels like my heart is ripped to shreds. 

Real Tar Heel
Posts: 202
Joined: Nov 2019

Hi

Your mother's story is actually kind of inspirational to me. I was diagnosed in 2019, had two surgeries and chemo, thought everything was going well when my CEA number (blood tumor marker) rose a bit. Now my Oncologist is concerned about the latest scan. So when people keep fighting after a long time, it's good to hear for short-timers like me. I think we always have that initial thought that it's all over when they tell us bad news, but sometimes it isn't.

Your mother wants to stick around for you, most likely. I have kids, I feel the same. If I didn't, I don't think I'd be going through chemo, I'd be in one of my favorite cities just walking around and taking in the sights. But I'm here working from home, staying in shape and doing what I can for now.

Things are mostly out of our hands. You read about people doing a lot of things at home in an effort to spark a turnaround, but this is not something we can control except to say "yes" or "no" to treatment (some on this board may want to disagree with that but that's my view). So then, being comfortable with what we are going through requires some letting go. I'm not a higher power person but if you want to say things are in God's hands, more power to you.

There are a few family members of cancer patients who post to this board. They may have the perspective you are looking for. For me, as a patient myself, I want others to minimize their worry and make sure not to lose sight of their goals and dreams. I know my family would have me living on for years as a goal, but that may not be possible, so they have to look inward.

Good luck to you.

Trubrit's picture
Trubrit
Posts: 5422
Joined: Jan 2013

You have indeed posted to the right place, and probably at the right time as it sounds like you need to share your thoughts. 

I do agree with Real Tar Heel. There really is allot that is out of our hands, as patients, and even more as care givers. You do what you feel you need to; though for sure there are people who do what there Doctor's or family want, when all they want is to slip away.  It is a hard fought battle, and for many, it is a losing battle, but you still fight, as you mother is. 

It sounds like you are doing all you can in supporting your mother, and that is all she needs.  There is no way you can prepare for the worst, becasue you can think about it, make all the plans, but if it happens, you will be devestated, so just plan for the best outcome and let the cards fall as they may - or will. 

You ask how to keep hope when it hurt, and when things are looking bleak, and I can't really answer that, not for you. I can only tell you what works for me, and you are free to give it a try.  I have dived deep into yoga and meditation - mindfulness. It keeps me calm. It makes me live in the moment, in joy. Give it a try, it may work for you.  

We are here for you. The forum is a little slow, and people drop in some on a daily basis, some once a week, a month, a year. I hope others will answer also, and give their thoughts and perspective. 

Wishing your mum and you the best outcome. 

Tru

worriedson714's picture
worriedson714
Posts: 250
Joined: Dec 2019

My dad was diagnosed stage 3 rectal cancer march of last year the doctor told us there was no hope . The doctor told us my dad waited to long and hoped shattered along with my heart . I lost it as I watched my dad check himself out of the hospital . Thinking at the time that my dad didn't have much time left cause of what that doctor told me . Night after night I cried until we went to the cancer center and they told us different . They told us with treatment my dad could be cured actually used the world and all .

My hope went back up I felt like I could breath again . So we started treatment and chemo and radiation and I was determined to help my dad all he could as he beat this . Then after treatment they told us the chemo and radiation didn't shrink the tumor at all . My hope was gone again if chemo and radiation don't help how can my dad beat this I feared the worse . They did surgery and they didn't get all the cancer my dad ended up with a pernament colostmy bag . I was heartbroken feared my dad couldn't live a normal life with the bag and worried about the cancer left . I am not saying my dad didn't have hard times he did when he got the bag . But honestly he handled it alot better then I thought he would .

 

 

It took some time but he seems to have gotten much better about the bag and feeling better about himself with the bag . So slowly my hope went back up now we are facing his second surgery his weight is up he still gets around doing good besides neuropathy from chemo . We just found out he will have to get another bag for his urine cause they have to take his prostate out . At first I wondered how would he live with two bags the depression and how he feels about himself would drive him crazy I thought .

 

But it's one thing I have learned about my dad and any parent . Don't under estimate a parents will to life simply to be with there childern . I continue to be amazed at my dad's will and fight to live and he tells me everyday he fights for me . So I guess what I am trying to say even when hope is lost even on those days it's so dark and your filled with worry about your mom . Remember two things hope can go up just as fast as it can go down it's a roller coaster and as long as your mom is still fighting there is hope . The second don't under estimate your mom's will to fight and live for you and your family . I'm not a parent but I have learned a parents will to fight for there childern is one of the strongest things I have ever seen . I think remembering that helps me to have hope for my dad.  Knowing those two things and praying everynight and loving the good lord and trusting in him to protect my dad is how I deal with worrying about my dad .

 

Also I try to focus only on my dad making him smile making him laugh and enjoy everyday .I don't know if this helps I hope it does and I pray your mom will be okay and beat this . 

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