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I'm angry.

citizenklaw
Posts: 48
Joined: Mar 2019

I'm angry. 

At myself, mostly. But I am angry.

They found RCC on my left kidney. Going in for the initial consultation with the urologist.

I brought this to myself, and to myself. For that, I will never forgive myself, and will always have this guilt.

I've been a selfish fool. I've taken my family for granted, and here I am. I have something in my kidney.

I want to fight. Really, I do. But I feel overwhelmingly guilty.

I follow no religion. I'm trying to find solace, and tranquility. It's sort of hard.

Time has slowed down a bit. 

These are random thoughts. I apologize.

 

 

accordiongirl
Posts: 63
Joined: Sep 2018

Please don't apologize for coming and sharing your thoughts, venting, reaching out........it's my experience that that's exactly what this board is for.

i do have a question.....sorry for the ignorance - i am uncertain what RCC is.......guessing it's a cancer of some sort.  (i know, i'm captain obvious......seeing as you ARE on a cancer board!  Foot in Mouth )  Why though, would it be YOUR fault?  My mom has throat cancer and though she DID smoke for many years, i don't blame her or think that she's responsible for her disease.  i lost a very dear friend to lung cancer some years ago and he never smoked a day in his life........people just get cancer sometimes.  Did mom increase her chances by smoking?  Maybe.  i'm not a doc and i can't answer that.  The bigger issue is that we have nothing to gain by blaming her for something she did many years ago.

i don't know what RCC is or how a person's body decides to develop that cancer, but i'm thinking you can stop blaming yourself.  Did you INTEND to "give yourself" cancer?  Guessing not.  So even if you DID do something to create this (which i doubt), i'm most CERTAIN that it wasn't your INTENT.   i hope you are able to let that go - it will not serve you well at all as you face your future, so why hold onto it?  Take that energy instead and use it to take care of yourself.

Please keep us updated on how you're doing.  And DO try to let go of any blame.

Hang in there and come and vent anytime!

~ accordiongirl

kat2013's picture
kat2013
Posts: 20
Joined: Sep 2013

Hi AccordianGirl.....I think RCC stands for Renal Cell Carcenoma.

kat2013's picture
kat2013
Posts: 20
Joined: Sep 2013

I understand exactly what you mean. I'm angry too! For some different reasons.  I too feel like the things happening to me now are because of stupid decisions I made in the past. But hon, you did not "cause" this thing to happen. Sometimes, "sh#t happens", and it is through no fault of our own. All we can do is try to deal with it the best we can and "maybe" try to use it in a positive way. This is how I took my anger and used it instead of it using me.....

I had cancer and the radiation and chemo fried my bladder. So I had what is called a radical cysectomy. They removed my bladder and now I have a stoma (urostomy). In simple terms, I pee in a bag attached to my stomach Undecided. I got home from that surgery and when I looked in the mirror I was SO upset and angry.....I was very fashion concious, and I could see that I would never be able to wear the type of clothes I have always worn etc (sounds trivial, but stick with me....there is a point to this Wink) I had NO idea what to do with this butchered up body! So on to "present day"..... I have stage 4 kidney disease and am in and out of the hospital constantly with kidney infections (some sepsis which is very serious). At that time, I was at the point where, like you, I was ANGRY! I was angry that the things done to me to SAVE MY LIFE are now KILLING me....just like the cancer was! I thought, what's the point of all this!!! Then, I was walking the halls at the hospital and I met a young girl who had just had the same surgery as me. She was crying and saying she didn't think she could handle this (living with a urosotomy pouch), that she didn't know what to do because it would "show" under her clothes etc....I sat and talked with her and told her that I went through the same. I showed her how I found a new style of dressing (which I now LOVE).....I taught her all the tips and tricks I learned etc. THEN it hit me....I can help other people who are just starting this nightmare....errrr....I mean "journey" haha! (I hate the term "journey") Anyway, I contacted the hospital, and I told them I wanted to visit people who have just had surgery for a urostomy, and just talk to them about how they are feeling about it, and share what I have learned with them to hopefully make it easier for them. So....I took all my anger, and depresssion, and replaced it with a purpose. It makes me feel so good to help other people struggling with having their bodies altered. It is something you may want to try, or if you don't feel comfortable working with people, just turn your anger into something constructive is what I am saying. Start painting, and paint your anger....write poetry using your anger and post it here (there is a section where you can do thatWink) I hope I don't sound all "unicorns and fairy tales" lol.....I KNOW this all just SUCKS. But we have to try to make the best of a really sucky thing......know what I mean? I hope you will try this.....and if you want to talk, just say so. The short version of all this rambling I just did is "find your passion and find your purpose". I know that when you are angry and depressed it is hard to think you even HAVE a passion anymore...but you do! It is still there, buried under all the CRAP that cancer dumps on us. Dig down deep under all that crap (ewwwww) and find it again. I hope you will try. Love and light to you, and I hope to hear from you again. Take care! Cool Kat

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