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Fear Keeps Tapping My Shoulder

mojogirl67's picture
mojogirl67
Posts: 247
Joined: Oct 2018

OKay..I did not sleep much last night. Dreams and thoughts overwhelmed me. I grew up with three brothers..two older, one younger but meaner, lol. I learned quickly how to fight strong and not flinch to show fear. I climbed to the highest tree branch and jumped in the pond not knowing how to swim...I wasn't going to miss anything or be left behind. This whole cancer nightmare is different. Sometimes I look it in the eye and say, "I got this". I guess with this surgery getting closer that the "what-ifs" are whispering in my ear too. My husband was my rock and best friend. He was a bronze star Vietnam Vet and the toughest man I ever met in my life...a fighter and survivor. I watched him go from 220lbs to 140 on a 6"4 frame. He fought hard...we both did but we didn't win. I guess those thoughts are trickling in as well. He had the same exact diagnosis a I do and I know I shouldn't compare but I do at times. I know he would want me to kick this to the moon for myself and him. How do you make the "monkey mind" be quiet and stop wihispering those thoughts? I have faith and will fight with everything I have but there are those moments laying in the dark when those thoughts creep in. Do you guys who are such wonderful supporters on this site have the same moments? Sometimes I feel like "Sybil with 200 personalities" all whispering at once, lol. "This too shall come to pass" was one of my husband's favorite sayings...I suppose it will. Hugs, M

Trubrit's picture
Trubrit
Posts: 4828
Joined: Jan 2013

Remember, you are allowed to have fear, doubts, sleepless nights, thoughts of not being able to beat it. They are natural thoughts, and having watched your hubby fight and pass, your doubts are probably double what most of ours are. 

The key is being able to corral those thoughts and not let them get out of control, or control you. YOU CONTROL THEM! 

Now, how you go about that, you are obviously trying to work out.  Asking others is a great way to get several ideas and then you can find what works for you. 

I will tell you what I did in my time of need.  The nights were always the worse. I could keep busy during the day - until treatments knocked me down - but the nights became unbearable. I literally thought my head was going to explode. Of course, I knew that was a physical impossibility, but still it felt like it was going to blow up. Something had to be done about it. 

I don't know how I came across it, I'm thinking someone suggested Yoga. So, searching Amazon I came across this DVD called 'A Guided Meditation to Help you with Chemotherapy'.  I was compelled to buy it, even though the thought of me meditating was ridiculous.   I purchased it, played it when I went to bed, and it was nothing short of miraculous. WOW! To this very day, I cannot believe how it helped me.  I moved from there to Yoga & meditation. 

They do have one called 'Guided Meditation to Promote Succesful Surgery' (https://smile.amazon.com/dp/1881405346/?coliid=I21FJVBP3WMP3V&colid=3IKG5KF6HQH73&psc=0&ref_=lv_ov_lig_dp_it)

The other thing that worked for me was to allow myself ten mintues of 'Woe is me'. I could cry, think the darkest thoughts, pity myself; whatever, and then I would STOP

So, that is what helped me through my darkest times.  

Others will share what helps them, and then you have ideas, ideas that can help you work out what will help you. 

You are much loved and admired on the forum, and we're all behind you, and will be with you in spirit, especially on the day of surgery. 

Tru

mojogirl67's picture
mojogirl67
Posts: 247
Joined: Oct 2018

The moment we are in is all we truly have. I've got the wagon back on the road now. I just veer off course from time to time. I do have "moments" where I think "what is going to happen next?". I've realized that life will keep happening , ready or not. Gloves on and fists are back up Tru..It helps just to see the words, "you are not alone". I am seriously going to pursue yoga. I've had that in the back of my mind for a while. I do practice meditation and that truly helps. I am back in the mountains and will have some "painting" therapy tomorrow at the little place I bought, lol. Painting always gives me time to think and put things in perspective. I guess it honestly boils down to "I'm scared", plain and simple. One sweet day at a time. As always, thank you for "leaving the light on" and giving me some things to think about. Big hug your way!..M

SandiaBuddy's picture
SandiaBuddy
Posts: 878
Joined: Apr 2017

Mojo:

I have said this repeatedly and it seems somewhat counter-intuitive, but contemplating what you fear can take away its power.  Contemplating death is an important element of Buddhist philosophy.  You mention the "monkey mind," so obviously you have some familiarity with it.  I meditate on death every morning, and it has removed much of its power over me and helps me to resolve to live more in the current moment.  Of course, I am still haunted by fear, but it is not paralyzing.  The book I started with is "You are Here (it is deceivingly simple)."  I always find it useful to carry a book to the medical appointments and it is surprising how much reading you can get done in the otherwise empty minutes (and hours. . .).  Rest assured, the members of this forum understand what you are talking about, and I am confident they will provide a myriad of strategies for dealing with the issue.

mojogirl67's picture
mojogirl67
Posts: 247
Joined: Oct 2018

I am someone who will always reach for love and light even in my darkest moments. I honestly don't fear death. I think my fear lies more in dealing with being at the mercy of others and endless medical procedures. I have always been extremely healthy and independent so this has changed the game. I appreciated the insight and think you are so right on contemplating what you fear most. Hugs, M

PamRav's picture
PamRav
Posts: 246
Joined: Jan 2017

with all the good tips from Trubrit and Sandia.  All very good advice 

Ill just add that sometimes taking an Ativan is, for me, the only thing thats gets me a full night of  undisturbed  sleep. 

mojogirl67's picture
mojogirl67
Posts: 247
Joined: Oct 2018

I am someon who has to have her sleep so the past couple of months have turned that upside down. I think my mind has been in high gear and hopefully over the next few days I will get some much needed "good" sleep. Thank you for taking the time to reach out...much appreaciated! hugs, M

Kazenmax's picture
Kazenmax
Posts: 349
Joined: Feb 2016

Mojo, you know better than all of us how we have no control over our future. I can’t imagine how you have dealt with everything that has happened to you but you have. You are here, you are strong, and you will get through this. 

I understand how Hard it is to not let the negative thoughts get to you. Here’s my trick. When I can’t sleep and start thinking alll those horrible thing, I keep repeating ”don’t think, don’t think, don’t think”. It sounds simple but for me it pushes all other thoughts out of my head.

Tru is so right. We have all been there and we will be there for you.

k

 

mojogirl67's picture
mojogirl67
Posts: 247
Joined: Oct 2018

Life will happen ready or not. Hopefully I will catch up on some good rest this week and regroup my thoughts and come out with my head up facing it head on. Thanks for the encouragement and push...Hugs, M

Annabelle41415's picture
Annabelle41415
Posts: 6183
Joined: Feb 2009

It's ok to be scared and all of has gone through it and with the surgery coming up - it's the unknown that is scary.  You are not alone.  Remember we are always here to help you get through it.  The memories of your husband (a hero in himself and a vet) is very normal and how terrible you both had the same thing.  You, unfortunately, are living his hell.  We are praying that you are here for many more years ahead.  There will always be "what-if's in life".  We are here to help with those that are affecting you right now.  Hope you sleep better tonight.

Hugs!  Kim

Butt's picture
Butt
Posts: 299
Joined: May 2018

If you have a surgery, you will be in bed a lot. Muscles will start to weaken promptly and it means pinch nerves may occur. You may need a back up plan such as a good chiropractor and a massage therapist on file. Butt. 

mojogirl67's picture
mojogirl67
Posts: 247
Joined: Oct 2018

I've always been pretty active so I know being in bed a lot will make me want to scream. I will be up as soon as I'm able. I hate you are suffering from home sickness. I have limited family and I am a "loner" type personality with only a few "close" friends. This board is always helpful and supportive. I hope it helps ease some of the lonliness for you. Hugs, M

beaumontdave's picture
beaumontdave
Posts: 993
Joined: Aug 2013

Dealing with those 3am type moments always comes down to three choices, mindfulness, a library of old and favorite movies or a Xanax. Which I choose depends on how bad it feels, but there has been nights where all three were involved. Sweet dreams to you ma'am...........................................Dave

mojogirl67's picture
mojogirl67
Posts: 247
Joined: Oct 2018

I'm trying. I'm not a TV watcher but I do read. I often find myself searching the crazy stuff I stick on my "reaearch later" list when I think of it but don't have time to look it up. Xanax is out for me but I've seriously thought of MJ for sleep and winding my mind down. My husband was an old hippie and it sure helped thru some of his roughest days. I've been busy painting today at the little place I bought. I am so tired and sore that I hope sleep comes quickly. I took Tylenol PM but I hate taking those unless it's an absolute last resort...it was, lol. I appreciate the advice and gladly welcome any to lighten the load these days. Hope life is good your way! Hugs, M

feckcancer
Posts: 90
Joined: Jun 2018

I am suprised you haven't already re medical MJ especially as it is legal in parts (hopefully yours) of the USA & Canada .It's a Gift from the Gods . Cool

Butt's picture
Butt
Posts: 299
Joined: May 2018

Your will have a lot if fatigue after the surgery. Putting dishes in a dishwashing machine will be a huge challenge. The energy would come back even in the beginning it would be hard to believe.

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