Seeing my onc tomorrow and whining about it, that's all

JanJan63
JanJan63 Member Posts: 2,478

I'm all sensitive and down this week. I havent had chemo since March and I see my onc tomorrow and will probably start again on Friday. The rest of the time I'm good but the week I have to go in just really brings me down. I think most or all of us are like this so at least I'm in good company. 

I think the rest of the time my cancer is like Shrodinger's cat. When I don't have my results yet I both have and do not have cancer. It's both doing well and getting worse at the same time. Until she tells me my CEA is up and/or my mets are still growing, I can believe whatever I want to believe. 

I've been crying over facebook posts, things people say, stupidity like that. I don't have the patience for myself when I get like that. Not only do I annoy other people, I annoy myself. It makes me angrier at cancer. It's ravaging my body but I do not want it affecting my spirit. Often, after I leave her office I'm crying. I think it's just a let down of the fear and emotions beforehand. One time I got good news and was crying with joy. I was waiting at the front door because our cancer centre has zero parking right now so my husband just drops me off. And I was crying. A woman waiting with her daughter asked if I was okay. I told her I was fine and was crying over good news. It ended with she and I and her daughter hugging and wishing blessings on each other.

I wonder what tomorrow will bring.

Jan

Comments

  • plsletitrain
    plsletitrain Member Posts: 252 Member
    Looking forward to good news

    ...on tomorrow's appointment.  I too dread going to my onco's office...going to the cancer cancer.  Heck I dread the thought of having this cancer in the first place.  But we gotta face this.  What I do is I prepare myself for the bad news, but hope and pray for good news.  

    We're with you Jan.

  • Canadian Sandy
    Canadian Sandy Member Posts: 725 Member
    Hoping for good news tomorrow

    Hoping for good news tomorrow. you deserve it.

  • Woodytele
    Woodytele Member Posts: 163
    Totally normal

    I go in today for infusion, this affects you mentally considerably.  We all try to have our own lives, then get faced with our disease and our mortality every three weeks or so.  I think your emotions are normal, I do the same things,

  • SandiaBuddy
    SandiaBuddy Member Posts: 1,262 Member
    Breathe

    Sometimes retreating to focusing on your breathing brings calm in a storm.

  • abita
    abita Member Posts: 1,115 Member
    Sorry, it is a horrible thing

    Sorry, it is a horrible thing. I had a recurrence at my first post chemo scan so am back in the mix. Round 4 Tues. You are so right about the emotions being worse the week of. The day before infusion, I get morose, then day of a mess. My bp is so out of control on infusion day, about 150 over 95. Then on disconnect day, perfectly normal. The next couple of days, so tired wonder how I can keep doing this, then, although fatigued, I "forget" I have cancer for the most part. Then repeat.

    I am hoping for you to get good news and more of a break at the very least.

  • NewHere
    NewHere Member Posts: 1,390 Member
    It Stinks

    This is my first time having to go back into chemo, and it totally stinks.  This time it is beating me up after only one session.  If I get another break and then told I have to go back, I would be whining a helluva lot more than you.  This is probably the worst thing of dealing with this the last four years and the first time I am feeling "down" and beaten.  More than being told it was back and inoperable a year ago.  By far.

     

    So once again, you are not whining

  • abita
    abita Member Posts: 1,115 Member
    NewHere said:

    It Stinks

    This is my first time having to go back into chemo, and it totally stinks.  This time it is beating me up after only one session.  If I get another break and then told I have to go back, I would be whining a helluva lot more than you.  This is probably the worst thing of dealing with this the last four years and the first time I am feeling "down" and beaten.  More than being told it was back and inoperable a year ago.  By far.

     

    So once again, you are not whining

    I had the same reaction to

    I had the same reaction to hearing recurrence. People just don't understand that I am so much more upset this time than my initial diagnosis. Someone asked me how I have been. I mentioned the side effects, especially the fatigue. And that I do have my days of, I just can't do this again, and that something she had said to me when I first found out about the recurrence was what keeps me going. Anyway, she said, it really doesn't show. And then talked to me, she really has been so supportive. 

  • JanJan63
    JanJan63 Member Posts: 2,478
    So I saw my onc yesterday and

    So I saw my onc yesterday and we're going to hold off on the chemo for now. She wants me to have a PET scan first and really see where we're at. My CEA is down to 34 from 67. My lung mets have hardly grown at all. The PET takes about 4 or 5 weeks to get int to so I'll see my onc again at the end of November. So now I'm scared that they'll find more cancer. 

    Also, she wants the PET instead of the CT because she doesn't want the contrast to damage my kidneys. Which I thought were doing better since the surgery but she says the latest blood test says is worse. Then last night I started peeing blood. Quite a bit of fresh blood. Dammit, I'm SO tired of the roller coaster ride. I want off! I'm pretty scared at the moment. Luckily my family doctor is getting me in this morning.

    Jan

  • JanJan63
    JanJan63 Member Posts: 2,478
    Saw my family docotr. He says

    Saw my family docotr. He says it's a kidney infection. And my results from my kidney are a bit worse but still way below worrisome. So my onc os just playing it safe. Just before I felt for his office I peed and my urine was red and even had small clots in it. So I managed to give them a sample and I'll be on antibiotics. I'm SO VERY GRATEFUL I don't have to go back to the hospital. I was terrified that I would.

    Jan

  • NewHere
    NewHere Member Posts: 1,390 Member
    JanJan63 said:

    Saw my family docotr. He says

    Saw my family docotr. He says it's a kidney infection. And my results from my kidney are a bit worse but still way below worrisome. So my onc os just playing it safe. Just before I felt for his office I peed and my urine was red and even had small clots in it. So I managed to give them a sample and I'll be on antibiotics. I'm SO VERY GRATEFUL I don't have to go back to the hospital. I was terrified that I would.

    Jan

    YES!! Just a Kidney Infection

    As you said, cancer makes things weird.  Like being happy to hear you just have a kidney infection...feel better quickly JJ

  • abrub
    abrub Member Posts: 2,174 Member
    JanJan63 said:

    Saw my family docotr. He says

    Saw my family docotr. He says it's a kidney infection. And my results from my kidney are a bit worse but still way below worrisome. So my onc os just playing it safe. Just before I felt for his office I peed and my urine was red and even had small clots in it. So I managed to give them a sample and I'll be on antibiotics. I'm SO VERY GRATEFUL I don't have to go back to the hospital. I was terrified that I would.

    Jan

    So sorry you're dealing with all this

    It tends to snowball!  Glad this is "just" a kidney infection (such fun).  But at least it's very treatable and curable.  Deep breaths.  We've got you.

    Alice

  • JanJan63
    JanJan63 Member Posts: 2,478
    abrub said:

    So sorry you're dealing with all this

    It tends to snowball!  Glad this is "just" a kidney infection (such fun).  But at least it's very treatable and curable.  Deep breaths.  We've got you.

    Alice

    Ha ha! My doctor said in most

    Ha ha! My doctor said in most cases he doesn't like having to tell someone they have a kidney infecton but in this case he's glad to tell me. It really put my on my butt emotionally. I was so scared! I cannot take being in the hospital again so soon, I need a break! I have enough trouble trying to eat enough without having to eat hospital food! Ugh!

    Thanks for the support you guys!

    Jan

  • SandiaBuddy
    SandiaBuddy Member Posts: 1,262 Member
    JanJan63 said:

    Ha ha! My doctor said in most

    Ha ha! My doctor said in most cases he doesn't like having to tell someone they have a kidney infecton but in this case he's glad to tell me. It really put my on my butt emotionally. I was so scared! I cannot take being in the hospital again so soon, I need a break! I have enough trouble trying to eat enough without having to eat hospital food! Ugh!

    Thanks for the support you guys!

    Jan

    Autumn

    Jan, I hope you get a break from the medical treatment and can enjoy the Autumn weather, and I imagine in your neck of the woods, the coming snow.  You really do deserve a break.

  • JanJan63
    JanJan63 Member Posts: 2,478

    Autumn

    Jan, I hope you get a break from the medical treatment and can enjoy the Autumn weather, and I imagine in your neck of the woods, the coming snow.  You really do deserve a break.

    Thank you! We're still having

    Thank you! We're still having good weather now but it'll change soon, you're right. We all deserve a break from this.

    Jan

  • Annabelle41415
    Annabelle41415 Member Posts: 6,715 Member
    Wow

    You have truly been through a roller coaster.  I'm so sorry but I'm glad that the doctor isn't too concerned and they are aware of it and dealing with it.  My goodness girl, and you've been through enough.  I'm hoping the best for you.

    Kim