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Irrational thoughts...

Brock1969
Posts: 80
Joined: Jan 2018

Hello friends. Just fighting some irrational thoughts right now and admisttedly know  5% about this stuff compared to the wise people on this board. Feb 26 had a partial to remove a less than 2cm lesion. Leading up to surgery, of course I was freaking out but the original urologist and then the meeting with my eventual surgeon (one of the best, at Brigham in Boston...used the robot) ALL told me how blessed I am as it was found so EARLY and by complete accident (possible UTI, turned out to more likely be prostatitis). 

Now, aftter surgery, the doctor has explained how the lesion, while cancer, was in the perfect spot, had not made any inroads into the kidney at all, was a very favorable type (sorry, still don't have name) and that all things are favorable. He even cancelled my follow up after our conversation on the phone. He is that confident. As many of you know, that doesn't stop the mind from wandering. 

My questions for you warriors is basically, how to develop that mindset of feeling blessed to be on the other side rather than continually worry? So many of you have that. I want that! I am very much a health anxiety control freak and do not, at age 48, want to spend the rest of my life worrying. Yesterday was a bad day...isolated myself from my family and it was not good. Since right before diagnosis, I have been battling sinus and head pressure behind right eye and it's been there pretty constantly. Eye doc says eyes look fine, now going to see ENT Monday. I am 90% positive it is stress and anxiety (my blood pressure has been higher than normal) which my research says can affect your eyes, and it does subside after exercise and, well, a few glasses of wine :). But my mind goes to places like "what, do I have some tumor behind my eye now???" Ugh!!! Help!!! I even joked with my optometrist as she scanned my eyes "see any tumors back there?" offhandedly, and she came back with "actually, I most likely would see one if you had one. You don't." 

Just trying to calm a racing mind with the soothing logic of people on this board. Thank you and have a blessed Sunday 

 

Brock

icemantoo's picture
icemantoo
Posts: 3286
Joined: Jan 2010

Brock,

 

--for any problems down the road are very very small. with such a small tumor. They are not going to change by worrying. When I was nephed 15 and 1/2 years ago my doctor said I will die of something else. Still looks that way. Start enjoying life again. You should have a good 30 or 4o more years to go.

 

 

icemantoo

Brock1969
Posts: 80
Joined: Jan 2018

always klnow the right thing to say Ice....thanks

Wehavenotimeatall
Posts: 489
Joined: Aug 2017

the worry will ease

right now you are in super alert mode.. thank god.

 I hope  it was that that got you diagnosed so early .

You have a fear and you will learn to control it but not lose it it Saved your life last time

However the whole point of having the operation was to find out what you are dealing with

have you got your pathology 

that will help steer you over the next stage as to whether you can relax a little or keep your guard up

Annie

 

 

Brock1969
Posts: 80
Joined: Jan 2018

I am gpoing to call tomorrow to get more specifics. Doc literally told me info over phone as i got off elliptical machine (that is a good thing :), and didn't process it all, certainly not the specific label he gave it, though I DO remember him saying "if anyone were to get a type of cancer, that is the one you want" so whatever it's distinct name is, it has a very good prognosis attacched 

Tapman63's picture
Tapman63
Posts: 137
Joined: Dec 2017

I had a complete neph in mid February - my tumor was 3.3 cm (actually smaller than we originally thought).  It's completely normal to be scared of every ache and pain you have and to think the worse - so don't feel alone there.  I'd say 95% (if not more) of us on this board do (or did) the same thing at first.  Everything I've read and pretty much everyone who comments here agrees that with tumors our size, we have about as good of a prognosis as there can be.  Keep that in your mind.   Also know that if something DOES happen to pop up, it's going to be caught very early.  My fears of that happening pop up more than I thought they would, but read more posts on this board.  People have been making it for years when mets pop up.  For both of us, I pray that won't be the case - but if so, it's not as dire as you may think.

Hang in there, my friend.  Enjoy life.  To me, everything seems different now.  I was listening to birds this morning - REALLY listening for the first time in I don't know how long.  We have a brand new shot - don't let fear of something that may never happen hinder you from life.  And keep reading this board - it's a Godsend for folks like you and I.

Best wishes - hang in there  - try to think positive! 

 

Jim

Brock1969
Posts: 80
Joined: Jan 2018

appreciate the kind words of support and advice 

hardo718's picture
hardo718
Posts: 853
Joined: Jan 2016

Most of us probably find ourselves fixating on every little ache & pain, thanx to a cancer diagnosis.  I try to ask myself, is this how I would have reacted prior to cancer?  In most cases my answer is no.  Sometimes that helps get my thought processes back in line, other times, if I'm honest, yea, not so much.  Be specific with your doctors as to what will ease your mind.  If you need a test to give you peace, ask for it.

Best wishes, praying for you,

Donna~

Brock1969
Posts: 80
Joined: Jan 2018

I was a bit of a hypochindriac prior to all of this, constantly scanning my body for "feels" but it's something I need to overcome. Every dizzy and groggy morning cannot be and "uh oh" moment. Cannot live my life like that. I will learn to accept things as they are, decipher what is normal and what is not, and live my life in the moment and fully. Have a great day!

Deanie0916
Posts: 332
Joined: Nov 2016

I can so relate to whatyou are saying. Please listen to the above advice, It has been a year and a half for me and I have had my fourth six month follow up and it was clear. I still worry a lot but it is getting better! You're in my thoughts, sir. God bless you

 

Brock1969
Posts: 80
Joined: Jan 2018

I appreciate it 

Steve.Adam's picture
Steve.Adam
Posts: 460
Joined: Oct 2016

Hi Brock,

Bad things will happen to everybody and for some of us life can be truly horrible. I won't get into specifics but there are thousands of things that could happen to any of us that are much worse than cancer recurrence.

It's probably a bad idea for an anxious person... But imagine making a list of 50 potential disasters that could happen to you at any time (and not just to you!) Where is RCC recurrence in the list? Don't actually do this, of course, but you get the idea.

I can get anxious at times but my attitude towards recurrence is calm acceptance that what will be, will be. I have no idea how I got into this frame of mind. I am basically ignoring the issue but with some confidence that I will cope with whatever happens.

Pretending that nothing bad will happen to us is unrealistic, but I'm sure we all do it most of the time.

Steve.

Brock1969
Posts: 80
Joined: Jan 2018

Very much appreciated! As much as none of us want to be in this situation, I have a great doctor and he has continually indicated that there are worse cancers to have out there, which speaks to your point. Thanks again

Mighty Frog's picture
Mighty Frog
Posts: 148
Joined: Jul 2017

Yes.. Brock... you are not the only one. I struggled alot during the first 6 months.... but now things are getting more organised.

We can't change the fact we had it. So, do what you can to prevent the recurrence starting with finding the right diet and new lifestyle that suit you. From there, you will be more and more confident and less worries. 

Just like Steve said.... 

Be more good to yourself and live happily......

Oneshot's picture
Oneshot
Posts: 153
Joined: Jul 2009

I am new to this thread and saw your post.  Just wanted to let you know you are getting some good (if not sage like) advice from the folks on here.

I'm almost 10 yrs. out from my cancer.  I do just like most have said on here .  I usually get a little anxious the week of my labs.  Then lab day comes and I treat that day as any other.  Tell myself what I heard somewhere..."I'm doing better than I ought to be."

Keeping you and yours in prayer

Oneshot

JoeyZ's picture
JoeyZ
Posts: 210
Joined: Mar 2018

"I'm doing better than I ought to be."

I really like this.

JoeyZ's picture
JoeyZ
Posts: 210
Joined: Mar 2018

Brock, We can all relate, I am sure of it. For me, so far, I haven't really had time to worry JUST yet. I'm a few weeks post surgery now, had a 12 cm tumor and a very aggressive, fast acting cancer. They hope they got it all. This week I have a scan to find out. For some reason I'm not freaking out. I don't know why. I guess I feel lucky to even have survived the 10 hour surgery, where I lost all my own blood and had to have all new with transfusions. It all seemed surreal. Now I'm just getting cranky so maybe that means healing. Someone said in a post to me that she looks at every day that she wakes up as a "bonus." I kind of like that and it has helped me on many days here. I hope maybe anything I said might encourage you. I hope so! Hang in there and we're here for you. Thank you for being here for us, too!

Brock1969
Posts: 80
Joined: Jan 2018

You had some major stuff!! I truly hope they got that entire sucker out. I really have been set straight by people on this board. I actually feel guilty that my situation is genrally much less severe that most on here and I was just having a very insecure day I guess. But then again, everyone is here to help and boy do they ever. I am glad you found a calm about you. It's weird how those moments of spirituality and calm just come over us and with people on this board. I had a saying at the start of this: "this may not be the challenge I wanted, but it is the right challenge for me." Enjoy the bonus day, and to tomorrow's, and the day after that....

JoeyZ's picture
JoeyZ
Posts: 210
Joined: Mar 2018

Oh, no, Brock....no feeling guilty, please! No one's situation is any less than anyone else's on here. I would sure never want to imply that. Fear of this monster is just what it is, for all of us. You're entitled to have your meltdown or bad days, too. As you already know, and I've just discovered, everyone here is so kind-hearted and quick to lend help and support. 

Now after I said all I did before, this week was meltdown time for me. The "Why me" and "It's not fair!" and "I didn't ask for this!" I felt like a little kid throwing a tantrum that one day. At least I was hiding in the bathroom so my husband wouldn't have me committed. 

I guess, after thinking about your post for many days now, that it is just that the basics have stayed the same. We wake up and do our stuff throughout the day, and not much changes. It's just knowing the monster inside can rear up, or it can return with a vengeance at any time. The not knowing, and the wishing for it to stay away and let us be normal again - this part is hard. 

Hope any of this makes sense but it's how I feel. I sure wish you well and hope things are going a little easier.

Another thing I do is just sit and read posts here and on Smart Patients and I see folks who are so much worse off than I am! I'm just amazed at people's strength sometimes, while I don't think I have that myself.

Take care, my friend. You're gonna be ok.

Oh, and I have my very first post-surgery CT Scan today. Keep everything crossed they don't find any "leftovers" in there that we don't want. They were not sure they got it all from surgery since it had spread so much. I think they did, but we'll see! I feel so lucky we have such great medical care now as compared to the 1960's when I first learned of cancer and lost many friends to it.

Brock1969
Posts: 80
Joined: Jan 2018

on that scan!! Prayers for you!

JoeyZ's picture
JoeyZ
Posts: 210
Joined: Mar 2018

Thank you! Will do. Had it this morning and it sure didn't take very long. I should find out within a week. Thanks again!

donna_lee's picture
donna_lee
Posts: 968
Joined: Feb 2009

It just diminishes as time passes.  It's like climbing Everst, with a slide down the other side.  Then there will be peaks and valleys along the way; and once in a while a Pike's Peak will stir your adrenalin.  You become more in tune with the normal feel of your body; and much more aware of the "little" things that were ignored in the past.

Been there, done that...and it's now almost 12 years.

Hugs,

donna_lee

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