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Having depression - anyone else?

Caradavin's picture
Posts: 42
Joined: Jan 2010

Hi all. You can read my story in my profile - I don't wanna rehash the whole thing but basically have had three cancers and am currently over 2 years cancer free (yay!). However, I am in a very stagnant position. I can't seem to start anything. I don't see the value in many things. I lost my singing voice with this last cancer and that meant so much to me. It entered me further into a depression that I was already experiencing because my first cancer took away my ability to have children and I have lost five children before they were even close to birth and the entire process devastated me to a point that I honestly didn't want to live anymore. It took a lot of work since 2011 to even get to where I am now, and that is not very far to be honest - I mean I want to live now, but I don't know why.


My mother gave me this lecture once about getting "another chance" at life or some such drivel, but I don't see it that way. I see it as loss. No one seems to understand this. Yes, I'm alive (and I appreciate that now), and yes I got second chances to be alive, but one of the main reasons I wanted life is gone and the one way I had that I held onto to enjoy my life is now gone as well. I feel that things are being yanked away in order for me to survive and well, it's not fair.  I know I'm still alive and there are so many who aren't or won't be - and I hate to sound ungrateful at that. I probably sound like a whiny brat, but I am reaching out because my entire life is stagnant. It is on hold and all I'm doing is getting fatter and more depressed. I weight over 330 pounds right now. I went for weight loss surgery but was denied due to high risk (borderline personality disorder and bipolar put you on the fast track to "NO"). I am planning to see someone for medical weight loss but I have no hope in it. I can't seem to turn away from food and it really likes me, too.


I do therapy and psychiatry, so please don't suggest that. I know I can lose the weight with the medical supervision (they cut your calories to like 800 daily), but then will I be able to keep it off after the process is complete? I feel that some part of me, the part of me that died in 2011 and then the other part in 2015, would need to come alive or something in order for me to succeed. But I don't know how to make those parts of me alive. I don't know how to combat the depression, I have tried the whole "just making myself get up and do it" routine. I am able to bathe, dress, and do some light chores because of that very reason, but I don't feel I have enough strength for the rest. Is anyone out there hearing me and does anyone understand?

Posts: 2
Joined: Jan 2018

I am just beginning to understand you.

I have just been diagnosed with MEC after surgery...

Could not talk to anyone about this problem, about how overwhelming everything is...

I do not want to let anybody know about my condition (my mom or my daughter), so  they do not take it to their heart...

I told my husband as he insisted a lot to find out the biopsy result...It is kind of disturbing to see people around you looking at you in a pittyful manner.

Depression is  haunting me at times...I also hardly find reasons to rejoyce in this world.

And this is why sometimes I say to myself: maybe I will be better off.

It is not like I wish to die, but the quality of life is so important and if God decides to cut the  thin thread I am clinching to - how  can I stop Him?

Hope we will become... hopeful again and find something meaningful to do with the rest of our lives!


Posts: 3
Joined: Feb 2018

I am 8 years out and I have severe pain, cognitive issues, fatigue, dental issues and immune issues from treatments. Because of all this I had to stop working in June. I had a very successful career that I loved and I’ve watched my decline over the years. It’s such a massive loss of something I loved and now I’m trying to adjust to feeling as though I have no purpose. I’m only 37 so young to be no longer working. Some people think how lucky i am, and in some ways it is a blessing, but it doesn’t change that there is also a loss. Not just in my career, but also my health and mental capacity. 

I am grateful for being alive, but I’m also grieving the loss of aspects of my life. It can be hard at times. To deal with my issues, I’m going back to see my therapist, I’m reaching out in forums (hence why I’m here), doing acupuncture, starting yoga, trying to live in the now (that has helped me the most when I get like this), seeing a doctor about menopause (I think I might have early onset from the Cisplatin chemo), and trying to do more things in life that I enjoy each day. 

I am sorry you are grieving too. Be patient with yourself. I believe that allowing yourself to grieve will help more than trying to pretend you’re fine or brushing the feelings aside because you think you should be grateful to be here. Both can be true. 

Posts: 150
Joined: Jun 2018

doctor tested my thyroid. it was under active. got put on thyroid medication. depression slowly went. things also got much better when i cut my hours down at work 

Posts: 1
Joined: Jun 2019

Although these posts are older, thank you for your words.  I feel very alone with my depression and axiety.  I am managing, but i'm tired of feeling scared and lost.  My husband was diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer at 58, died within three months.  The next year I was diagnosed with Stage III Colon cancer.  It has been one more torpedo after another, that is life I know.  So many things came fast and hard, that all of a sudden - here I am.  My spouse is gone, my kids are off, I've set the boundaries so I can be me.  Find out who I am and how I want to live.  But careful what you wish for.  I'm whining because I don't know what to do or who I am anymore. Im a few year survivor.  Geez  I'm sorry to those who are actively fighting.  The guilt is real, but so is the anxiety.  I can't be the only one who feels this way.


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