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Lost, Confused and Broken Hearted Is Where I'm At Now -

Lost and Confused's picture
Lost and Confused
Posts: 2
Joined: Sep 2017

Hello, 

First let me apologize right away for the very long post. But the details are needed as a starting point in the hopes of reaching out for some much needed help and support.

My name is James. I found this site when looking for if and why spouses might turn against each other when one of them gets cancer.

I read through a number of pages/posts about marriages ending and people considering leaving their marriages/relationships because of the difficulties and changes usually in the cancer patient - I think it was called chemo brain, etc.

In my photo is my wife, Kindness, who is 34 and 20 years younger than me. That photo is a good example of our happiness as has been for the last 7 1/2 years.

She was dx with aggressive clear cell carcinoma Ovarian cancer in April and started chemo on May 10.

After 4 of a scheduled 6 rounds, there was some shrinking of her main tumor and other lesions, but not enough as hoped for for surgery.

She went in for round 5 on July 20, but having increasing pain the week before, the chemo was halted for a CT scan to be sure there was no risk of a blood clot.  

That turned out ok.

On Sunday, July 30, her fever was 38 degrees so we had to get her in the ER. quickly

After 36 grueling hours and almost an overdose of her pain meds by an on-call ER nurse, she was finally sent upstairs to the Palliative Ward, mainly for isolation and better care. Her Mother and I were with her, but I was yelled at by my wife for some of my hours away from her during that scare.

She has been in palliative ward ever since. It's now Sept. 3.

Her Mother said ‘I'm not leaving’, and has been with her day and night since July 30 in Kindness' room.  

I would go back every day for 10-12 hours in the room with Kindness and her Mother - and be the 'gofer' for coffee, and anything else needed anytime by the two women. I also had small amounts of work to tend to.

There were some complications with her liver, fluids, etc. and Kindness needed help to the washroom, and back and everything else for the first time ever. Her Mother and I would get up and help her with anything she needed.

Then on Monday, Aug. 7, I was turned away by one of our favorite nurses. I was told that she had just met with the Oncologist, whom I had seen and been in meetings with many times, and a social worker, whom I've never met. Apparently, she was told that the chemo didn't work, and that she now has 2-3 months to live.

I was told this by text from her Mother or sister (can't remember now), and that she just needed a few days.

I understood that, in the way that that's terrible news and couldn't be worse, and that she needed to time to digest and accept that, and most likely didn't want to see me yet, or me to see her and have us cry in front of each other - totally understandable.

Earlier that day, before 'the news' she had sent me an email reaching out to me. I had not seen it until after I was turned away and went back home.

She sent me a text as well the next day.  I replied to both with as much love and understanding as I could, and with all gentility. I have no idea if she got or ever read my replies to her reaching out to me and my loving suggestions.

Today marks 28 days since I've seen or heard from her in any way. 

No more texts, calls, emails or visits. 

After the first week, I even went to the hospital admin who listened to my concerns, including not even knowing what ward or room she'd been moved to, nor any updates of her progress, status and health whatsoever. Nothing came from that meeting with the admin. 

Apparently Kindness had me put on the do not call list, which also means do not inform or update in any way, as I later found out.

One week ago, after spending 3 weeks at home just 2 minutes away from her, wondering, waiting and worrying about her incessantly and about what is happening, I got finally a very long, harsh, cold 'Goodbye text' from her - but from her sisters phone. 

It was completely out of character for Kindness and us, being so happy and in love as we had been for so long.

There were some critical things about me in the text as well, and a request not to her contact her. She added that she just can't take care of me and my need for attention and validation, nor my depression about this. 

I'm not sure why she thinks she even had to. I certainly didn't ask or give her any reasons to think that way, but that’s the way she is - she worries about others even when she's down and out.

I can honestly say that I didn’t need any attention or validation, nor do I feel that I was depressed, other than the normal concerns and worries that any good loving husband would feel and most likely show.

So now, with no discussion, no visits, no text, no calls, or emails, my marriage is over - just like that!

I saw her for the last time 28 days ago, and I'll never see her again now.

Naturally, I want to be with her and go though it with her, as any good husband would, but it almost seems now that her Mother and sisters have finally showed her the love and support she's always needed from them, I'm no longer needed - and no longer wanted.

So I'm extremely broken hearted, lost, confused and bewildered.

I love her soooo much and have thoroughly enjoyed taking care of her since she came to me in Nov. 2009 and needed me very much at that time, and ever since. Taking care of her and being happy to do anything and everything she’s ever needed gave me a sense of purpose, meaning, and value, and also made me feel wanted and needed.

Now I feel like I've been discarded with no chance of any discussion or say whatsoever in what was the best relationship in my life, and a love I've never known, shown or received before.

We both feel that God brought her to me in 2009.

I should mention that she had a head injury from 7 years old, and comes from a very abusive Father and Brother as well. 

Even her Mother and sisters have been somewhat abusive to her, which she would confide and take comfort in with me.

So it hurts even more to be ‘traded in’ for her Mother and sisters now, after all her complaints to me about them.

He Mother has caused us much trouble and has tried to come between us in the past - even hinting that her and I should be together instead, which made both my wife and I cringe each of the 5-6 times she would say that. I thought that was very tacky to say right in front of the only daughter who has actually had a successful relationship with a man, including the Mother herself. She (Mother) had a very unhealthy obsession with and about me, and would love and hate me all in the same day sometimes.

Many think that her Mother has succeeded in coming between us now, and has also been able to ‘brow-beat’ my wife into submission. 

Kindness said years ago that her Mother was manipulative.

She’s probably too weak and tired to argue with her Mother now, as she’s drugged up quite a bit with pain meds. 

I think the Mother's just trying to exclude me from the will, if my wife should pass. 

I don’t care about that - I just want to love her and be with her during the hardest and worst time of her life. But I truly feel that it's too late now.

The ‘Goodbye’ text was not from Kindness’ phone, and so I'll never really know if she sent it, had it typed for her or even knows it was sent to me. 

I'll just never know. 

Now I have to move on and move away from our apartment without the woman I've loved so very much for so long.

I found some beautiful emails from her that we shared just in June and July that spoke of us starting a new chapter in our lives, buying our own home, and our declared love for each other that is worded so tenderly and beautifully for and about each other.

Then the very last communication that I got form my wife was that 'Goodbye text’ on Aug. 25. 

Cold, harsh, critical - not a stitch or warmth, love or any mention whatsoever of our memories and wonderful years together.

So I’m hurting and alone - and confused, and very unprepared for this and also what I need to do to survive now. 

And I'll never have any closure now. I'll never know if she lives and survives and goes on to live a full, happy healthy life - or not.

I don't believe that I'll ever be told if she passes nor ‘invited' to her funeral, knowing the Mother in law.

For all I know, she’s even been told that they’ve been calling and calling me but I just don’t come anymore – I have no way of knowing.

I miss her sooo much and what we had together, and can't imagine a life without her. 

It’s almost impossible to face the day as soon as I wake up and realize my situation, which takes about 10 seconds to come and punch me in the face and gut. I just can't accept all this and it’s nearly impossible to try and function.

The 'Goodbye' text just doesn't jive with how we were together for the last 7 1/2 years.

Nor up to just recently - in March/April in person with so much tenderness and the lovely emails in June/July where she repeated that she'd be lost without me, that she’s so blessed to have me in her life, and that I'm the love of her life, etc. etc.

Our happiness was so fun and so enjoyable together - and so very loving and caring for each other - and now it's gone!

The last text I got from the sister last week is that Kindness has hired some movers to come get all her stuff on Sept. 12.

In the 'Goodbye' text there was mention of her trying to heal and start over without me. Makes me feel like some kind of criminal or something.

If she can heal and live on, than I'm all for it, naturally - even if it's forever without me.

I love her so much, that I'll do whatever it takes - whatever she needs.

I've always told her that I just want her to be happy. And nothing would make me happier than to know she survives this and carries on with her life.

It's possible that she just can't deal with me and all of the emotions and concerns about me and 'us' now.  

 

But I just don't know how to handle all of this.

 

Thank you for reading.  

 

 

 

 

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