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Partner with cancer is verbally abusice

ash1987's picture
ash1987
Posts: 1
Joined: Aug 2017

Hey everyone,

 

My name is Ashley and I am new here. I need some advice from an outsiders point of view. My fiance is Lindsey and she was diagnosed with Ovarian cancer. Since she has been diagnosed and recieved pain meds her mood swings have gotten worse. She was moody before and now they are so much more magnified. It doesn't help that I am tired and cranky working 70 hours per week, taking care of our 2 kids, and trying to be there for her. Her mother is also moody and rude to me. Always trying to push me away and act like she knows more and that she's better. A few years ago my mother actually passed away from Ovarian cancer and I used to help take care of her and attend her dr's apt's. So with my fiance and her mother acting this way towards me all of the time it's really become unbareable. 

 

My fiance just had a full hysterectomy a few days ago and they removed all of her tumors. They are now saying she is cancer free and may not need chemo. She is home now and we got into an argument. She has always been a complainer and always wants attention and sympathy. She's always had jealousy issues as well. I want her to change her attitude and work on really getting better and being grateful for the good news. People have donated over a thousand dollars to help with her expenses and still she seems ungrateful. She also rely's on her mom a little too much and I feel ganged up on a lot of the time by the 2 of them. I am always getting pushed away and talked down to. I am not trying to sound selfish or a jerk, but I really do try my best to keep our household together and be there for my fiance. She blames me for everything and even tells me that "I don't do ****" calls me names and yells at me. I am not always a saint, and my tone is not that of an angel, when I get fed up with how she acts I tell her directly that she needs to change her ways and how crazy she is. 

 

Well today she came at me again calling me names and saying I don't do **** for her. I don't know what to do and I am losing my mind. I want to cry and vanish into thin air at this point. She doesn't recognize the fact that I have literally run out of money paying for parking downtown at the hospital, burgning out all of my gas to be there, commuting back and forth between the hospital, work, and taking care of my kids, bringing her food, bringing her things to make her comfortable,staying over night all of those times at the hospital, and trying to be the middle person for our family, friends, and even to her boss and insurance company. Even feeding her mom all day long while she's at the hospital too! One night I tried to stay home and be with the kids and she tried to guilt me into coming back up to the hospital to stay the night. I am worn out. I keep trying to pray thru it but I'm losing my mind. Anyone else struggling with these things? 

 

 

Catholic's picture
Catholic
Posts: 52
Joined: May 2016

Been there.  Done that.  Trust me when I say I have personally experienced this.  Here is my advice based on what you wrote.

1.  "It doesn't help that I am tired and cranky working 70 hours per week, taking care of our 2 kids, and trying to be there for her."

Your taking on too much.  I did this as well.  I work in the tax field and when its tax season, we work and take on as many clients
as we can.  I know what its like to work 70 hours per week or more.  But you got to slow down because if your taking on the role of
caregiver, raising 2 kids, and workaholic, then a crash is coming soon.  You have to get someone at the office to take on more work
and you take on less.  Caregivers get burned out.   Something has to give and hopefully its work at the office.

As a side note, my wife came home from the hospital after the birth of our 3rd child and literally went to live in the basement.  It
took 2 years before my wife's sister came to visit and got her to go to a clinic where she was eventually diagnosed with cancer. So I know
what your going through.  You the caregiver have to start going to the gym, eating healthy every day and taking care of yourself.  Take
time off for yourself.

2. "I am not always a saint, and my tone is not that of an angel, when I get fed up with how she acts I tell her directly that she needs to
change her ways and how crazy she is."

Arguing with someone who is crazy is pointless.  I dont blame you for getting mad but I learned from experience that getting upset
with someone who is really crazy angry took away from my health.  And I stopped arguing with my wife.  I argue with other people, I
debate other people and am passionate about many issues, but I completely stopped arguing with my wife at least 5 years ago.  It
was pointless.  I gained nothing but felt less energetic and less about myself.  I think you have to find the caregiver path where you are
healthy and you are being taken care of.  Otherwise, you will go nuts.  Start going to the gym and eat healthy every day and take breaks.
Can you go on a 3-day vacation with the kids somewhere?  I take vacations with the kids often and I love it. 

3. "She also rely's on her mom a little too much and I feel ganged up on a lot of the time by the 2 of them."

My wife's family hated me for years (and they still might hate me for all I know).  But over time, they have seen my wife's
bad behavior and are nicer to me.  My wife's sister is a friend and she talks to me often to see how I am doing.  I think in time
your in-laws will appreciate you but in the beginning stages, there is distrust everywhere.  In time, the truth will reveal itself but it
takes time.

4. "I am worn out. I keep trying to pray thru it but I'm losing my mind."

You have to take breaks and take care of yourself.  You have to really study your schedule and see where you can change your
time and schedule to benefit you.

 

JerzyGrrl's picture
JerzyGrrl
Posts: 661
Joined: Jun 2016

What Catholic said. Also, if you can find a way to see a counselor for your own well-being / sanity check, that will probably be well worth the investment of time and copay. 

Plus, you mentioned that she's your fiance. Does she have an advance directive that designates you as her health care agent? If not, this can limit your access to her in a medical crisis. (If she doesn't, be sure to pick a day when you're both feeling more snuggly or at least calm and relational to discuss it).

You've got a lot on your plate. Just reading everything you're doing sounds overwhelming. Take care of yourself, and see if there's some way you can get some help with all the stuff.

All the best - keep us posted as you're able.

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