Things people should not say to someone that has cancer

Mgbfoster
Mgbfoster Member Posts: 18
in Head and Neck Cancer #1

Last year I had a tumor removed from the base of my tongue. It was stage II. I then had 30 radiation treatments. I noticed there seems to be something in my throat again. I am coming up on my one year anniversary. I am very concerned! My doctor scheduled a CT scan for this week. I have had several people tell me to try not to think about it. Dumb statement! Of course I am gonig to think about it. Who wouldn't. Then one individual that has never had cancer tell me that they know what I am going through. Another truely dumb statement to make to someone that has or has had cancer. Has anyone else had these types of statements made to them? Right now I am nervous as a long tail cat in a room full of rocking chairs.

Comments

  • CivilMatt
    CivilMatt Member Posts: 4,722 Member
    #2
    watch your tail

    Mgbfoster,

    Yes, people can be insensitive.

    When I was toward the end of treatments and feeling pretty low one of my sister-in-law’s remarked that I looked bad.  Well, I probably did, but I looked better than she ever did.  I mentioned to her, that cancer treatments will do that to you.

    Some people feel obligated to top my cancer diagnosis with something they have been through.  I really do not care too much, some people have been genuinely nice.
     I hope you are fine.

    Matt

  • soonermom
    soonermom Member Posts: 155
    edited June 2017 #3
    YES!

    I feel like maybe I have said these things to people as well, before we were on this path.  I decided that I can't spend one minute being frustrated about it but truly sometimes it is staggering.  I know these people are truly trying to be positive or comforting but jeeze Louise.  I finally sent out an email and asked the people I worked with not talk to me about the diagnosis, prognosis or treatment.  That was after someone asked me if it had spread to his brain yet.  That made for a productive work day! I know we all have a long list of craziness we have dealt with.  Hang in there.  Can't let it get to us.  I am sorry you are going through this anxious time.  This beast of a disease stinks to be honest.  

     

  • AnotherSurvivor
    AnotherSurvivor Member Posts: 383 Member
    #4
    I met so many truly wonderful

    I met so many truly wonderful, beautiful people on my journey.  My family, my wife, my children, proved to be everything I could have ever hoped they would be.  I KNOW these things now.  I came out immunized from the aggrivations caused by idiocy.  For what is taken something is given.  Sometimes tho, you have to dig deep to find it.

  • SuzJ
    SuzJ Member Posts: 427 Member
    #5
    Ohhh

    I can add to the list!

     

    "Do you think Susan is milking having cancer?" WTH!

    Well your treatments are done, your cured now, right?

     

    actually, its a pretty long list!

  • mskitty137
    mskitty137 Member Posts: 73
    #6
    I had a co worker tell me

    I had a co worker tell me that I obviously didn't have enough faith in God if I was so worried. I was flabbergasted! 

  • Andy13460
    Andy13460 Member Posts: 115
    #7
    Faith in God I have none

     

    That’s me done for then, the terrible none believing atheist that I have always been. I would much rather have faith in the brilliant staff of my hospital for their dedication in treating me.

     

  • Mgbfoster
    Mgbfoster Member Posts: 18
    #8
    Insensitive statements

    When I was preparing to have my surgery I had to make a payment to the hospital. When we were on our way home that day I told my wife that I had to pay $100.00. She freaked out! I was blindsided by her statement. "How the Hell are we going to pay all these bills". I really felt like stopping the car and getting out and leaving. That hurt! Trust me, there have been many others. I was in the hospital for one week. Since I had a neck disection, I could not shave. The minute I walked in the door at home she said "You need to go shave". There have been many more! I've had to develped a thick skin.

  • CivilMatt
    CivilMatt Member Posts: 4,722 Member
    #9
    Mgbfoster said:

    Insensitive statements

    When I was preparing to have my surgery I had to make a payment to the hospital. When we were on our way home that day I told my wife that I had to pay $100.00. She freaked out! I was blindsided by her statement. "How the Hell are we going to pay all these bills". I really felt like stopping the car and getting out and leaving. That hurt! Trust me, there have been many others. I was in the hospital for one week. Since I had a neck disection, I could not shave. The minute I walked in the door at home she said "You need to go shave". There have been many more! I've had to develped a thick skin.

    shaving?

    Shaving was restricted in my plan.

    M

  • Chicklette
    Chicklette Member Posts: 225
    #10
    Mgbfoster said:

    Insensitive statements

    When I was preparing to have my surgery I had to make a payment to the hospital. When we were on our way home that day I told my wife that I had to pay $100.00. She freaked out! I was blindsided by her statement. "How the Hell are we going to pay all these bills". I really felt like stopping the car and getting out and leaving. That hurt! Trust me, there have been many others. I was in the hospital for one week. Since I had a neck disection, I could not shave. The minute I walked in the door at home she said "You need to go shave". There have been many more! I've had to develped a thick skin.

    Sorry

    I'm sorry you had to deal with such insensitive comments from the one who should be supporting you the most :-( We are buried in medical bills, too, but we just take things one day at a time.  The hospital will work with you to pay them off.  I want to give you a hug... :-/

  • Bobby_Lee
    Bobby_Lee Member Posts: 25
    edited June 2017 #11
    Some people can be

    Some people can be insensitive. For most of them their mouth gets ahead of their brain. They are sorry for what they said as soon as it comes out of their mouth. My wife has done this a few times. There are also those people that seem to get satisfaction. Glad I never smoked, or you should have been a vegan or maybe its just karma. Those types I just ignore. Nobody deserves cancer or has ever asked to get it. Sometimes I feel more sorry for people like that than I do myself.

  • caregiver wife
    caregiver wife Member Posts: 234
    #12
    Dumbest for me

    "Good thing it happened now"  After second go around in 3 months, "Just get over it"

    The good side, you find who your true friends are...

  • Linda C.
    Linda C. Member Posts: 107 Member
    #13
    Andy13460 said:

    Faith in God I have none

     

    That’s me done for then, the terrible none believing atheist that I have always been. I would much rather have faith in the brilliant staff of my hospital for their dedication in treating me.

     

    From a fellow Free Thinker, I

    From a fellow Free Thinker, I agree with your statement.

  • Mom68
    Mom68 Member Posts: 108 Member
    #14
    "You Caused This"

    I actually had a friend of mine who, after I was diagnosed, said, "You know that you manifested this cancer on your own right?" She went on to say that my negativity causes negative build up in my body, which expressed itself in cancer. She said that my thoughts caused my cancer and actually said, "You caused this." People, man. People. 

  • Bob Watt
    Bob Watt Member Posts: 60 Member
    #15
    Some people are idiots.

    Somebody said to me "Don't you wish it had happened to somebody else?" I replied "No. I wouldn't wish this on anybody. Not even my worst enemy."

  • Chicklette
    Chicklette Member Posts: 225
    edited June 2017 #16
    Bob Watt said:

    Some people are idiots.

    Somebody said to me "Don't you wish it had happened to somebody else?" I replied "No. I wouldn't wish this on anybody. Not even my worst enemy."

    You are somebody else

    To everyone else in the world, you are "someone else" ... that's kind of what my thought process was when my husband was diagnosed.  "This doesnt happen to us.  This happens to other people" , but to the rest of the world, we are "other people " :-)

  • dogfather
    dogfather Member Posts: 4
    #17
    Mgbfoster said:

    Insensitive statements

    When I was preparing to have my surgery I had to make a payment to the hospital. When we were on our way home that day I told my wife that I had to pay $100.00. She freaked out! I was blindsided by her statement. "How the Hell are we going to pay all these bills". I really felt like stopping the car and getting out and leaving. That hurt! Trust me, there have been many others. I was in the hospital for one week. Since I had a neck disection, I could not shave. The minute I walked in the door at home she said "You need to go shave". There have been many more! I've had to develped a thick skin.

    Just a suggestion - honey, it's going to cost more than $100 in dental bills after I pop you in the mouth the next time you ever say anything that callous to me ever again ;-)

  • dogfather
    dogfather Member Posts: 4
    #18
    Mom68 said:

    "You Caused This"

    I actually had a friend of mine who, after I was diagnosed, said, "You know that you manifested this cancer on your own right?" She went on to say that my negativity causes negative build up in my body, which expressed itself in cancer. She said that my thoughts caused my cancer and actually said, "You caused this." People, man. People. 

    seriously, some people are just begging for it.  I would suggest "it was not caused my my righteous fist, you manifested the blood pouring from your nose by your own negative thoughts."

    Next ...

  • dogfather
    dogfather Member Posts: 4
    #19
    Bob Watt said:

    Some people are idiots.

    Somebody said to me "Don't you wish it had happened to somebody else?" I replied "No. I wouldn't wish this on anybody. Not even my worst enemy."

    Only 'some' people are idiots?  I think there are more of us than that :-)  I know some people think "why me" but I think "why not me?"  I drank and smoked more than anyone I knew, for over 40 years, I am amazed it didn't get me long ago. If it was going to get anyone it would be me, so surprise was not among my reactions. 20 years after I got started down this track I found out there was a long history of alcoholism (and many deaths thereby) on my father's side of the family.  Looking back, I think it was irresponsible for him to get me started on daily beer at age 12, let me brew my own beer at 14 and allowed me  access to hard liquor at 15.  I was off and running at an early age and never looked back. Despite both parents smoking heavily, I held out until age 17 but when I discovered that perfect mixture of booze and cigs, it really worked for me and I stayed with it for almost 40 years. 

    You could argue fault and blame all the live long day and until the cows come home but -- actually, **** that.  The blame lies entirely with my father who got me started as a young child and to a lesser degree my mother who drank and smoked like a merchant sailor, from conception to birth and far beyond.

    i don't claim to be a perfect person by any means but I do feel I got dealt a **** hand out of the gate  and so here I am in cancer land.   I know I could have behaved less stupidly by quitting but by god I tried, over and over and over again. If the entry fee was suffering I paid it many times over. If it was that easy we would all have quit long ago and this site would have happily lost many members for the very best of reasons.

    My reply turned into kind of a vent, so I thank you for reading. I am sure almost everyone can relate to wanting to get stuff out after receiving such life changing news.

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