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My dad blamed me for him having prostate cancer.

bekka0716
Posts: 1
Joined: Jun 2017

Im so angry And in shock. In april, my dad was diagnosed with stage 1 prostate cancer. I guess cancer does run in the family because my grandpa was diagnosed with end stage prostate cancer and sadly, did not overcome that. A couple of days ago, he had surgery to remove his prostate and some lymph nodes to officially determine how aggressive the cancer is and what stage it is. He had to stay overnight at the hospital. I switched off staying at the hospital with my sister. She stayed during the daytime but i stayed all night (about 11 hours). He went home with a catheter. Ive been draining his catheter for him, cleaning it for him, driving to and from his business to help him out, going out and buying food for him, not going to bed until 4AM to drain his catheter so it doesnt fill up, running in and out of the house to get him things. I understand its hard on him because he has cancer. No one ever wants to hear that they have cancer. Its hard to take in and deal with it. I was doing something with his catheter just earlier, and out of nowhere, he tells me that the only reason why he has cancer is because of me. I gave him cancer and i caused it. I thought i heard wrong, so i asked him to repeat what he just said. He repeated everything exactly as i typed above. I was livid. I didnt say anything and i walked away and sat down because i was so angry. He lept saying it and i couldn't take it anymore so i asked,"are you kidding me? Ate you serious? I gave you cancer? Im the reason why you have cancer?" He said he truly believes that. I walked to my room and started crying. then i came outside to get my phone and he heard, so he said,"king, you rule the house with an iron fist." basically he is saying that im intolerablE and im making it hard for him to live. What he doesnt know is that within the past teo years, ive tried killing myself by swallowing a bunch of pills because i just didnt see the point in life anymore. What he doesnt know is that i have to deal with my depression, anxiety, ocd, ptsd, trichotillomania, dermatillomania by myself because i dont have support from anyone. He doesnt know that i survived and overcame drug abuse at 21 years old(22 years old now).  He doesnt know that one of the main reasons why i have mental health issues is because of him (The other was from bullying). He doesnt know that i was secually harrassed during my senior year in high school. I dont tell him this because i know its going to break his heart, but he knows, he isnt stupid, he knows everyThing. I just havent confirmed everything. He knows im having a hard time in life but yet he chooses to hurt me even more by saying that i gave him cancer and that im the reason why he has cancer. I just dont understand where he got that from. 

Clevelandguy
Posts: 471
Joined: Jun 2015

Hi,

Sounds like hereditary is to blame here, not you.  Your Dad's probably upset also about his cancer and is letting out his frustration on you.  I know it's hard to do but kind of let it roll off of your back, your not to blame.  I know my Dad had PCa & I got it, but I don't blame my Dad for something he had no control over.  Ya know I don't know your Dad's physical condition or age but why are you draining his cath?  For two weeks I took care of my own cath, cleaning, emptying, ect. until they yanked it out, a pain in the butt but not something I cared to have my wife do or anyone else.

Dave 3+4

Grinder
Posts: 442
Joined: Mar 2017

CG is right, you should not be draining his catheter bag unless he is bedridden paralyzed. Even so, no one deserves that kind of treatment. If he cared to research this on his own, he would discover that Stage 1 prostate cancer is extremely common in men over 60. You are more likely to have it than not have it. 

There are issues here that are not being resolved, the prostate issue is only a symptom of serious other relationship issues. How old is your father? If he is of advanced age, there is the possibility of Alzheimers, dementia, etc that would cause him to say outlandish things that NO one would say in right mind. It sounds like you are caring for a spoiled, resentful child who does not appreciate your help. That sounds like an early onset dementia. 

You really need to talk with his General Practitioner about his deteriorating mental state. And if he is eligible, a trained hospice worker should be cleaning and caring for his catheter and medical requirements , NOT YOU.

Please give us more information on his age, his medical insurance or Medicare eligibility, so others here can give more detailed advice on professional help that is available. Either way, the situation as it stands now will only frustrate you unnecessarily. 

Rakendra's picture
Rakendra
Posts: 198
Joined: Apr 2013

My friend, you have have a lot of inner work to do.  You and your father have not gotten along for a long  time, and probably  that  is not going to change.  Accept that he is the way he is and love him unconditionally.  You cannot do this if you are affected by what he says and does.  The fact is:  what somebody says has no meaning except the meaning you give it.  If you give it no meaning, then it is just what somebody says.  If you are upset by what somebody  says, YOU are creating the problem for yourself, not your dad.  Parents and offspring often have problems and for most, there is only suffering.  I have been there.  I finally accepted my mother for who she was and not who I wanted her to be.  If your father is too much to bear, stay away.  He is not the cause of your suffering, YOU are the cause of your suffering, and the spiritual message is to start working on YOU, not HIM.   

ALL of your “problems” are gifts for your spiritual benefit.  They are telling you that if you do not like your present situation and mental problems, it is time for YOU to start doing the inner work to change.  The outside is NOT going to change to suit you.  Nobody and nothing can “hurt” you, unless your choose to allow it to hurt you. 

 

             You can start by reading Ken Keyes Handbook on Higher Consciousness, free on the net.

              Next, youtube Osho and Eckhardt Tolle and Dr. Wayne Dyer.

Start meditating.  Dynamic Meditation of Osho would be fine for you, but it is very difficult to do alone.   Check out I am that I am meditation by Dr. Wayne dyer.

 

         You have a lot of inner work to do.  Be grateful that you life is getting so desparate that either you have to change or you want to die.  I have been with many of the problems you have.  You are being given opportunity by the Universe (God if you like).  Take this opportunity and run with it.  welcome to your new life.  Love, Swami Rakendra

 

 

FinishingGrace
Posts: 83
Joined: Apr 2017

I don't have any advice to offer other than to tell you that your Dad is completely out of line. I don't care if he does have cancer, it is not okay for him to speak these words to you. I'm sorry and I hope you will either work it out and accept an apology that should be forthcoming or let someone else take over his care. God bless you for doing all you have done.

Rakendra's picture
Rakendra
Posts: 198
Joined: Apr 2013

I donot agree with the post of Grace.  In the spiritual world, there is no right or wrong and no judgement.  There is only "what is", and what is is never good, never bad, only what is.  The father thinks the lifestyle of the son, and the behaviour of the son, is not in keeping with the father's ideas of what a son should be.  So, the son caused the father to have stress and stress causes cancer, so it is the fault of the son that the father has cancer.  And the son buys into this by putting meaning on what the father says.  The father is NOT responsible for the anger and hurt that the son feels.  If anyone bases their happines on what someone says, they are going to create a lot of suffering for themselves, not the one that is doing the saying.  No one owes anyone anything.  It is all about spiritual growth.  The son is being given a great oportunity.  And the father is also being given a great oportunity, and both a missing.  Cancer is for your spiritual growth.  St. Paul said, "THE ONLY PURPOSE OF LIFE IS SPIRITUAL GROWTH."  Cancer is a part of life and disaproving fathers are a part of life.  It is spiritual growth.  Now accept and get on with it.

love, Swami Rakendra

Note how all of Bekkas problems are the fault of  someone else.  he takes NO responsiblity for his life.  As guaranteed path to suffering.

Grinder
Posts: 442
Joined: Mar 2017

You still haven't given more information about your father's age and details about his overall health. Still waiting. You gave a good deal of information about yourself, but that is not normally the goal of this PC thread.

My father lived to 90 and was lucid up until the last few months. Suddenly, he turned sullen, argumentative, and said many mean and spiteful things to me and my sister, even though we were caring for him, with the exception of his medical requirements, which were done by a hospice worker under Medicare's hospice program. No one involved in his health care told us about it until the doctors at one particular hospital told us.

My point is, unless your relationship has always been typified by this behavior, then your father has some "short circuits" going on in his brain's neural activity. So you must not take it personally.

If however, he has always behaved in such a mean spirited manner, Rakendra is right. You will have to take responsibility for your own emotional state. And FG is right that his health care should be someone else's responsibility that is professionally and emotionally equipped to do it. 

I would still say notify his GP, and if the GP is unresponsive, find a different one. You are not equipped to handle his health care emotionally or professionally.

And, your emotional state is something you can control. Meditate, that is, focusing on something else to take your focus off the negative emotions that you allow to entertain your mind. Your emotions are like baby ducks. They follow whatever is in front of them. If you watch a scary movie, your body will emit the hormones and chemicals associated with fear. If you watch porn, your body will emit the hormones and chemicals associated with sexual desire. If you dwell on this father's anger and rude behavior, you will react emotionally with fear and loathing and anger. So you have to quit allowing your father to drive your emotional state. Instead, as soon as you start to focus on your father and it makes you hurt and angry, switch your focus, or meditate, on something that will bring a positive emotional result.

Eastern meditation typically used a mantra or mandala. Catholics typically use the Rosary. Other cultures have used prayer beads as well. But the point is, like I think Rakendra was saying, is training your mind to shut off the negative emotions and focus on positive thought, or even neutral thought, to stop the fear and loathing chemicals from creating the anger and hurt. Chemical solutuons, such as psychotropic drugs you have been taking, are only temporary fixes by altering your emotional state as the chemical in the drug neutralizes the chemicals of your angry emotional state. And it is a lot more expensive than training your mind. And has side effects, while training your mind has NO side effects. BUT it requires a little effort on your part.

When it comes to your emotional state, the ball is in your court. You can become the master of your emotions, or they can be your master. Trust me, I have been both and it is SO much better when you have trained your mind to focus down and off the cause of your negative emotions, and switch off to something positive.

Rakendra's picture
Rakendra
Posts: 198
Joined: Apr 2013

Amen, brother.  It is all about surrendering to the Highest Spirit (God if your prefer).  It is about accepting that EVERYTHING that comes into your life is for your benefit.  It is about Thy will be done, not My will be done.  And it is your reponsibility to find the complete universal spiritual wisdom that you were born with and is the gift of the Father at birth.  It all comes from the inside and is your birthright.  It is up to you to find it. All is perfect just the way it is.  love, 

Swami Rakendra

ramaka
Posts: 55
Joined: Mar 2017

Love the posts by Rakendra and Grinder in this thread! Thank you both!!

Grinder
Posts: 442
Joined: Mar 2017

I think I have experienced what Rakendra is hinting at. Besides being able to train our minds, I have a relationship with God in Christ that also has the effect of "lifting" me up. In other words, when I am most desperate, out of no where a "force" outside of me lifts me up, or buoys my spirit up, and I can rise above the calamity of the world. It's not something I conjur up inside myself. So it becomes a two pronged spiritual mechanism. From the inside, I focus or meditate on something that will keep me from experiencing anger or frustration, but instead focus on what will bring peace and contentment. That is what I can do on my own. Then, sometimes when I am the most desperate, that "peace that passes all understanding" takes over.

When I was younger, I had a lot of ambitions, but after experiencing  what the world had to offer, it was like the old Moody Blues song: "I have reached the top of my wall, and all I found was another way to fall". Instead, what Paul says in 1 Timothy is so true... "Godliness with contentment is great gain". That is saying succintly what I am saying about experiencing God in Christ with learning to be content, the two pronged approach.

Bekka... I hope you come back to this thread. There are guys on here who have amazing technical knowledge they can share with you that you can share with your dad, Maybe if your dad can get online, he can get some info that would help allay his fears as well, or at the very least, you can pass it on to him. Again, taking care of his medical needs are not your responsibility. But encouragement could be your opportunity to be a blessing to him, that would be more in your purview.

Trust me, the guys on this forum have experienced the gamut when it comes to PC and all its dangers and treatments and side effects. There is nothing your dad can go through that somebody here hasn't already been through it and then some. It would be a shame not to take advantage of their experience and knowledge.

 

Rakendra's picture
Rakendra
Posts: 198
Joined: Apr 2013

Exactly.  When you think you are in contol of your and you live by the "Mind" thinking that you know what is best and what is not good and therefor accept those spiritual lessons that you like and resist those spiritual lessons that you do not like, then you are going to fall of the wall.  You are here to do God's will - THY KINGDOM COME. THY WILL BE DONE ON EARTH AS IT IS IN HEAVEN.  It could not be clearer God's will is not being done on earth.  God's will is not being done on earth as it is being done in heaven.  Why?  Because of the mind, what I call the snake as in Adam and Eve.  Like Adam, we all have a snake that tells us what to do, and that snake is the mind.  I disconnect that snake thru meditation and then I simply celebrate all that comes into my life, including cancer, the death of my child, or winning the lottery and having a beautiful loving wife.  It is all the same, all perfect, none is good, none is bad it is all the will of God to whom I surrender.   I live by Thy will be done.  I am perfectly taken care of in each moment.  I have need of nothing in my life.  I have no car, no cell phone, no watch, no desires to have any possession.  I would see a new Mercedes as a handicap and something that needs to be taken care of.  I am blessed with a fine income from my Grandmother's trust that is perfect for me.  You have had the same oportunity. You are perfectly cared for in this moment and all of your life you have been perfectly cared for.  Perhaps not in the way you would have chosen.  But each experience you had was for your spiritual growth.  Spiritual growth does not happen in the future.   It happens in the here and now.  It about the way you breathe, the way you move your body, the way you walk and  talk.  Do you do these things with God Consciousness and awareness or do you just move?  Are you grateful in every moment for all you have been given, including your cancer and your cure?  It is all Thy will be done, and then you will find the Garden of Eden, (heaven).  It is here and now.  There is no future, just this moment and the next and the next.  Love, Swami Rakendra 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

heaven

Max Former Hodgkins Stage 3's picture
Max Former Hodg...
Posts: 3328
Joined: May 2012

Rakendra,

Your post about repudiating possessions reminds me of two stories concerning the ancient Greek philosopher Diogenes. He was a contemporary of Plato (4th century B.C.), and walked about in daytime with an oil lamp, which he would hold to the face of all whom he met, saying "I am in search of an honest man."

1. Diogenes was a brilliant mind, and already famous in his day, but owned nothing and lived under an abandonded tub. His only other possession (besides the lamp, apparantly) was a drinking cup. But one day he saw a boy drinking from a fountain with his hands, and then realized he did not need the cup either, and discarded it.

2. Diogenes was lying in the sun at the ocean one day.  Alexendar the Great, who had conquered the entire ancinet world at that time, was in the area and asked to be taken to meet Diogenes.  Alexander and his Courtiers walked up to him and said, "Ask any one thing in the world, and I will give it to you."

Diogenes replied: "Very well...please step aside out of my sunshine."    Another story claims that Diogenes was once caught starring at the bones of Alexander's father in his tomb (who also had been a king and leader).

Asked what he was doing, he said, "Studying this king's bones. But hey are indistinguishable from the bones of a slave."

Your posts, Rakendra, are the favorites of many here, and do much for the welfare of PCa patients, who are all (like me) products of their time.  Stress, worry, the meaning of having disease, are among the most basic worries a cancer patient has, and addressing these is more valuable than any drug information or doctor referral could ever be,

max

 

Grinder
Posts: 442
Joined: Mar 2017

"I would see a Mercedes as a handicap". Exactly. When people point out mansions to me and say how cool it would be to live there, I just tell them how cool would it be to have a $5,000 monthly payment... and for what? I am just as "content" living in our modest home in the country with no mortgage payment and close proximity to my family, who I value far above any Mercedes or mansion.

God bless you Bekka, I hope you come back to this thread.

Max Former Hodgkins Stage 3's picture
Max Former Hodg...
Posts: 3328
Joined: May 2012

My auntie (now deceased decades) used to own a 250 year old rice plantation on a river outside Georgetown, SC.  Her neighbor upriver was a guy orphaned as a teen, who inherited tens of millions of dollars. He owned the next plantation from her.  Even after his legal majority and the money was legally his, he got about only by hitch-hiking; I saw him doing so many times over the years when visiting.  This was the era of the "hippie," and he dressed like a bum, and was often hauled in by the police, until they all leared to recognize him.

By all accounts he died happy about 10 years ago: apparantly not because of the money, but despite it.  Many lottery winners reportedly die destitute, penniless, as do a vast number of actors and musicians.  Mozart is famous for having been laid in a pauper's grave.

Grinder
Posts: 442
Joined: Mar 2017

I just realized losing two inches of my business after prostatectomy means I won't realize my lifelong dream of joining the Chippendales as a male stripper!

Surprised

I take that all back!

Max Former Hodgkins Stage 3's picture
Max Former Hodg...
Posts: 3328
Joined: May 2012

Grinder your "2 inch" comment reminded me of a Chesterfield Cigarette commercial from the 60s:  Apparantly most cigarettes were 100 mm long; they introduced a 101 mm cigarette, which was their bragging right. The commercial had as its refrain, "a silly millameter longer."

Sometimes, a little is a lot.

 

.

Rakendra's picture
Rakendra
Posts: 198
Joined: Apr 2013

After my orchiectamy I have lost a lot more than 2 inches!!!  All of my life I was a sex addict.  I sought many sexual partners and my life was designed for this.  My cars, my clothes, my working out, even my being a ski instructor played a part.  There is nothing wrong with this, except that I was operating on a level that would never provide happiness.  Sex is never enough, just as money is never enough, power is never enough.  I was not responding to a person as a whole person.  No matter how many  partners I had, it was never enough.  Then I got the gift of Stage 4 Cancer, and I chose the orcheictomy.  What an incredible gift it was for me.  For the first time in my life, I learned what peace was.  I lost the sexual compulsion.  My wife and I have an entirely new spiritual life.  She is very young, I am very old.  The marriage at first was based on money and sex.  Now the sex is gone, and the meaning of love and togetherness is at a new level.  She is financially independent now and does not need me for money, but she stays for spiritual reasons.  I share this to show how Stage 4 Cancer can be a blelssing if you allow.  Cancer can change your outlook on life, can change your relationships, and can give you different view on what is important and the meaning of time.  My point always is that everything that comes into your life comes for your benefit.   If you can accept this, then your life becomes bliss.  When you do not trust that there is a universal order that aplies to  everything, and you decide that you know more that the Universe, then you are in trouble. Love, Swami Rakendra

hewhositsoncushions
Posts: 279
Joined: Mar 2017

Bekka

Late to the conversation as I've been TWOC'd recently and getting to grip with some nerve pain. Back in the saddle now and want to add my half pence in.

Please, as the other wise people here say, do not take your father's word to heart. Not only is Rakendra right in that words only have the power that we give them but your father is acting out (in a psychological sense) most probably because of what is happening to him. I'm speaking as a trainee counsellor not an expert here and with no knowledge of your family's wider context so be gentle with me :)

Your father is most likely projecting his fear and anger at the illness on to you so that he doesn't have to bear it himself. It also gives him a live person to express his feelings to rather than a situation or a thing. This means it is about his illness, not you. That doesn't mean you should take his hits but at least knowing he is lashing out is a reaction rather than an attack may help. He may also feel guily about the other unspoken issues between you and this reaction may also be a coping strategy. Finally, there is something called the drama triangle (victim, perpetrator and rescuer). He may see himself as the the victim, the illness as the perpetrator and you as the rescuer. The problem is that with all the other things going on, his crys for help may be coming out negatively. Patience and forgiveness, however hard, will help both of you. I would strongly recommend you talk to a counsellor, if you can, to help yourself and give you some ideas about how to work out these issues. I am really hesitatant to suggest you open up to your father unprepared about your own issues but that is something you ideally need to discuss with a counsellor to work out the best way forward.

Peace

Cushions

PS - a bit off the wall but I recommend some Stoicism for beginners as a way of dealing with other peoples words. If you use Reddit then /r/stoicism is a good start.

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