How do I respond

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mskitty137
mskitty137 Member Posts: 73
in Head and Neck Cancer #1

When hubby announces that if his July PET scan shows there is still cancer, he will not seek further treatment?  He says he's just now starting to feel human again and refuses to go back to the way he felt during radiation and chemotherapy. I wanted to cry and scream but instead decided there was urgent flower pit watering that needed immediate attention. 

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  • Ladylacy
    Ladylacy Member Posts: 773 Member
    #2
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    My husband told me the same thing after 2 rounds of radiation, 2 rounds of chemo and surgery and it did come back a third time.  He went thru a lot of side effects because of treatment.   He told me and the doctors no more and as hard as it was for me and our sons, we respected his wishes.  His doctors did too.  I don't know how old your husband is but mine was 75 at the time and I don't know if that played into his wishes.  We didn't try to talk him out of it because we knew it wouldn't do any good.  But we were told up front that more treatment would only prolong and might even hasten his time but would not cure him.  His doctors were very honest about that.   He had a good 32 months before the downhill started and he passed 2 months after that.  He enjoyed doing what he loved and oh lord yes it was hard to watch but it was his choice and he was happy with it.  Never once did he say he wanted more treatment which he could have.

    I do regret not talking to him about more treatment, but I knew it was his decision and he was the one that had to go thru the treatment and what it did to his body.  I also know that after watching him struggle with this beast for 5 years that if it was me I couldn't go thru what he did.

    Wishing you peace and comfort

  • soonermom
    soonermom Member Posts: 155
    #3
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    It is hard

    I am in the your situation exactly.  I have decided not to respond except to say that I am on his team and will always support him.  I have found that there are a lot of factors that might influence his decision when it is actually presented to him by the medical team.  I just can't expend energy right now on things I cannot control.  IF that actually turns out to be the result then I will deal with it based on what we hear from the medical team.  Having seen the misery he has endured, I can understand making the statement.  I'm also trying to really enjoy the next few weeeks before the PET and not obssess over every cough and sore throat.  I am finding that a full time occupation.  It is hard not to attach meaning to every symptom.  

     

  • psychedoutca
    psychedoutca Member Posts: 16
    #4
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    Live in the moment

     Like most of the post here for you, I am also in the same boat. My husband is only 45 years old and we have four children. Recently we were faced with the decision to move into more experimental  medication to continue to fight, so hope or use pallative care to just try and buy as much time as possible. He had already been through so much that he was looking forward to rest from  all of the treatments and initially decided enough was enough and he was going to just take the chemo pills. The next day after taking some time to review things philosophically the idea is why not we're still going to live each day like it's the last, He called his team back and decided to fight some more. It is still really really hard for me, and I cannot imagine what it is like for him. So we keep busy making plans just not long-term ones, except the ones necessary and we keep living as much as this cancer will allow.  I know that he will make choices and decisions for him that makes sense and he thinks of all of us too its really hard because while he is still trying to fight we as caregivers also wage our own battle against  anticipatory grief. I know that signing up and talking in this thread's helps significantly. The most important thing is to keep an open line of communication with your  husband about what you think and feel, you don't want to leave things unsaid. 

  • CivilMatt
    CivilMatt Member Posts: 4,722 Member
    #5
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    difficult

    mskitty137,

    That is a tough one.  I guess for me it would come down to how curable you are?  If there is a very good chance for “likely recovery”, I would put up with the side effects again.  Some H&N members who go through a second go a round of rads and chemo, handle it better the second time.

    I agree with the others, it is up to the patient.  If the chances  are slim for recovery then there is no need to complicate your life.  As you may know the path this stuff  takes can be difficult, but there are those trained to help you.

    Matt

  • donfoo
    donfoo Member Posts: 1,771 Member
    #6
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    These are really difficult

    These are really difficult situations. Nobody here can give you an answer as only he and you and the doctors know the specifics of his case. It seems the most you can do is make sure he receives and understand everything the doctors are explaining, describing, and offering. Know all the facts. the options, the prognosis. Get a second opinion. Then let him decide and then stand by and support and honor his decision.

  • Laralyn
    Laralyn Member Posts: 532
    #7
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    I have incurable recurrent

    I have incurable recurrent cancer and am on an immunotherapy clinical trial. Immunotherapy is NOT like chemo. The side effects, while more unpredictable, are generally MUCH milder. I'm itchy and have diarrhea every morning--that's it. There are other things that COULD happen but honestly it is NOTHING like chemo.

    Please tell your husband to at least ask about treatments available to him. He's making a decision based on what he believes is true but there may be other options.

  • mskitty137
    mskitty137 Member Posts: 73
    #8
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    Thanks for all the feedback.

    Thanks for all the feedback.  Ya'll give great advice!  For now, we are putting any talk of possible future treatment on the back burner. He will have his 3 months PET scan in July and we'll cross that bridge if an when we need to. 

    Thanks again! !

  • wmc
    wmc Member Posts: 1,804
    #9
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    It's hard to hear.

    Sorry, and I know how hard that is to hear. Sometimes quality may mean more than quantity. It is very hard on the loved ones and Family, and they don't want it to be. They really are thinking about you, tho you might not think so now. The best thing you can do is support his discussion, as hard as that will be.  This is the time for the family to ask the questions they always wanted to, but never have. Enjoy every day you can together and just be there. I have told my son many times that tho I still have some years, this is the time to ask any questions you have. It may be too late later and you will regret it. This I know first hand and now it is too late. I have regretted that for 33 years. 

  • SuzJ
    SuzJ Member Posts: 427 Member
    #10
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    Remember how you felt after Childbirth? NEVER AGAIN, omg that pain was excuciating.. and DONT you dare touch me?

    It faded with time, and most had another.

    Its the same kinda thing. The really bad stuff will fade with time and opinions will change hopefully.

    I admit, I have said "If I had known what I was going to go thru, I'm not sure I'd have done it"

    Right now, Im at the "not ready to give in" stage.

     

    Cancer is one hell of a learning curve, that no one ever tells you about.

     

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