Finally, the tears

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HapB
HapB Member Posts: 527
in Breast Cancer #1

First denial; no this cannot be happening to me again! Three unrelated cancers, how could that be? Impossible!

Then, searching for answers and decisions to be made. There must be a way out of this? 

Tonight, alone, and the tears finally come.  It hurts and I am alone tonight. This is goiing to be a long battle and I am so tired from all these damned cancers.  I pray to God that a cure for all cancer is found soon. Too much suffering from this horrible disease.  

Tomorrow is another day. Time for rest. It has been a long week.

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Comments

  • meschellejensen
    meschellejensen Member Posts: 117
    #2
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    HapB

    HapB- I think that we can all relate to how you are feeling.  I remember when it first really sunk in that I had cancer. I was at CTCA for a second opinion and they had just told me that they wanted a new biopsy because there was a second previously undiscovered mass.  Once the tears started, I could not stop sobbing.  The crying went on for a couple of days, and I don't think that I have felt like myself since. 

    You are not alone!  We are here to support each other!

  • HapB
    HapB Member Posts: 527
    #3
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    MeschII

    Thanks, Mesch. Throwing a bit of a pity party here, but nobody seems to be in attendance...LOL. I just think my body is worn out from all the drugs they gave me this week and lack of sleep.  I am so chemically sensitive, I seldom take a Tylenol. I feel shaky today. I am glad my daughter is not here to see me sobbing....she went back to NYC yesterday when I still felt pretty well and I assured her I was just fine. I really do not want to be a burden to her. I had her late in life and she is just getting started in life on her own.  

     

  • aisling8
    aisling8 Member Posts: 1,627 Member
    #4
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    Sending you a hug

    Feelings just happen. They're neither right nor wrong. I often wish we all lived close enough to one another that someone could rush over when needed, maybe with a bouquet of flowers or a plate of cookies, and definitely a comforting hug.

    Just wanted you to know I read your post and I care.

    xoxo

    Victoria

  • meschellejensen
    meschellejensen Member Posts: 117
    #5
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    HapB/Aisling

    HapB-  I hope that you are feeling better today!  I wish that there was more that I could do, but I am praying that today is better!  I sent you a PM with my email address if you need to talk.

    Aisling- I was thinking the exact same thing!   I also wish that it were possible to be there in person to support fellow survivors because family and friends that have not experienced breast cancer cannot always understand the way that another survivor can.

  • Beepositive
    Beepositive Member Posts: 259 Member
    #6
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    HapB

    Hello HapB YES ..it is hard!! Im new to Cancer just this year March had my surgery. and it was like TON of BRICKS HIT ME .I WAS JUST MINDING MY  OWN BUSINESS..even tho i was the one who demanded additional testing because I knew something was not right.

    Glad your daughter was there with you at least for awhile...I still only told my daughter limited info because as you stated she has her own 2 little ones to worry about and going thru stuff herself as a single mom (as time go on and I have my final reconstruction /implant I may go into more details with her. just heard today my ex mother in law cancer returned she had both breast removed and chemo a few years ago.(not sure how many years)  everytime the doctors say its time for breast exam. (still have right breast).guess it will always be in back of my mind...but i continue to live my life and try now to worry so much ...Living for NOW!!

    Hugs and Prays to you HapB....you are very strong...hang in there you will get thru this TOO!!!!!

    try and ask for help as much as you can when it available..dont try to do too much by yourself

    BEEpositive Smile...

  • nspired36
    nspired36 Member Posts: 80
    edited June 2017 #7
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    HapB

    I pray that things get easier, yes is hard being alone.  I've only been on this discussion board a few weeks,  but from reading your post,  you seem like a very strong, intelligent and resourceful woman of faith. I am blessed to have my daughter here with me, family and friends close by,  but I've never felt so alone.  I know they love and care about me,  but none of them can really understand how I feel.  I'm glad to have found this group, you're an amazing bunch of ladies! Yes, it is hard and yes, I cry and am scared sometimes. I hold onto my faith,  lean on God for stength and pray daily. 

  • HapB
    HapB Member Posts: 527
    #8
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    Thanks everyone

    I am just having a tough day. I am usually very logical and stoic, but I think I am just physically exhausted today.

    Sorry to be a Debby downer, as my daughter would say.  Tomorrow is another day! 

    Love and prayers to every single person here!  

  • Carolyn Harrell
    Carolyn Harrell Member Posts: 2
    edited June 2017 #9
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    Tears flow so easy My family is not supportive feeling alone

    So sad today  feeling  alone crying and cannot stop

  • Annabelle41415
    Annabelle41415 Member Posts: 6,742 Member
    #10
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    I've Been There

    There was times when I'd be pounding the floor and crying so hard because of what was happening.  Chemo/Rad then surgery, then chemo that left me so weak it was hard to move.  I'm praying for you - for your strength and determination to move on.  It's hard when things keep crashing down around you.  Let the tears flow.  I'm sorry you are alone.  Wishing a cyber hug around you to hold you tight. 

    Hugs and prayers!  Kim

  • sparkle1
    sparkle1 Member Posts: 242
    #11
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    There nothing wrong with a

    There nothing wrong with a pity party or two or three.  This thing we have to deal with is awful.  But we are STRONG SURVIVORS and we will get through this together.  I'm lucky to have a very supportive husband and 2 very caring and loving daughters that makes me fight as hard as I can to stay around to maybe see a grand child or two.  I also tend not to share all the information with them because I can't stand to see them hurting.  Today, I'm struggling with anixety of waiting on my oncotype test to come back.  It's been 11 days.  I guess this test is suppose to give me a sense of whether I need to have chemo or just radiation.  But regardless of what the test score is I don't know how I'm going to make that decision.  Even though this is my second time around, I'm not feeling in control of anything. I had my surgery on April 26.  How long is too long to wait before starting whatever treatment I should be having.  I feel I'm losing precious time, just waiting on tests.

  • HapB
    HapB Member Posts: 527
    edited June 2017 #12
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    Sparkle

    Hopefully, you will get the results soon and then you will be able to decide on a treatment plan. That does seem like a long time, but you needed to heal from your surgery too. All will be well. i am glad you have lots of support at home!!!  Love is the best medicine! 

  • Beepositive
    Beepositive Member Posts: 259 Member
    #13
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    Carolyn Harrell said:

    Tears flow so easy My family is not supportive feeling alone

    So sad today  feeling  alone crying and cannot stop

    hello Carolyn

    Sorry to hear...i know we all have good and bad days ..I always try to focus on everything positive (grand kids, events coming this summer, funny tv show ...music) to keep my mind off things for awhile....I always say there is always someone worst off than we are....KEEP FIGHTING..YOU ARE STRONG!

    hUGS AND PRAYERS TO YOU....

    bEEPOSITIVE Smile

  • Apaugh
    Apaugh Member Posts: 850 Member
    #14
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    HUG

    Hap and all you wonderful pink warriors, a big big HUG goes out to you all.  I thank God for this site.  Your are the ones that truley understand.

    HUGS,

    Annie

  • JosephK
    JosephK Member Posts: 64
    #15
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    Car-T

    Happy, get into Car-T trial. There is one open in Providence and one in Buffalo

  • HapB
    HapB Member Posts: 527
    edited June 2017 #16
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    JosephK said:

    Car-T

    Happy, get into Car-T trial. There is one open in Providence and one in Buffalo

    Joseph

    what is that??? 

  • sparkle1
    sparkle1 Member Posts: 242
    #17
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    sparkle1 said:

    There nothing wrong with a

    There nothing wrong with a pity party or two or three.  This thing we have to deal with is awful.  But we are STRONG SURVIVORS and we will get through this together.  I'm lucky to have a very supportive husband and 2 very caring and loving daughters that makes me fight as hard as I can to stay around to maybe see a grand child or two.  I also tend not to share all the information with them because I can't stand to see them hurting.  Today, I'm struggling with anixety of waiting on my oncotype test to come back.  It's been 11 days.  I guess this test is suppose to give me a sense of whether I need to have chemo or just radiation.  But regardless of what the test score is I don't know how I'm going to make that decision.  Even though this is my second time around, I'm not feeling in control of anything. I had my surgery on April 26.  How long is too long to wait before starting whatever treatment I should be having.  I feel I'm losing precious time, just waiting on tests.

    GM everyone!  Just a quick

    GM everyone!  Just a quick update.  I finally got my oncotype score back.  It was 23.  Intermediate.  So I've decided with my oncologist and my family to go ahead with the chemo, rads and hormone therapy for 10 years.  I had a muga scan done last Friday. They put the port in on Monday and I start my first chemo on June 28th.  Things are moving right along, but now I want them to slow down.  Since this is my 2nd go around I thought I was ready and knew what to expect. But as they say every cancer is different.  The port placement was OK but now I am in alot of pain with the soreness and pulling.  I didn't have a port the first time.  Any advice on how to relieve this pain.  I'm taking advill but it's not working.  The dr. said it should go away in a few days.  I rested all day yesterday but back at work now and just feel like going home.  I made a tentative work schedule for chemo where I will be working from home 2 days after each chemo session and I will have the weekend off as well.  Do you think that's enough time?  I'm thinking maybe I should take short term disability for the 3 months that I will be having chemo.  I will have 4 rounds of TC.  Any advice?

  • JosephK
    JosephK Member Posts: 64
    #18
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    an Immunotherapy that has

    an Immunotherapy that has been effective on some Cancers

  • HapB
    HapB Member Posts: 527
    #19
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    sparkle1 said:

    GM everyone!  Just a quick

    GM everyone!  Just a quick update.  I finally got my oncotype score back.  It was 23.  Intermediate.  So I've decided with my oncologist and my family to go ahead with the chemo, rads and hormone therapy for 10 years.  I had a muga scan done last Friday. They put the port in on Monday and I start my first chemo on June 28th.  Things are moving right along, but now I want them to slow down.  Since this is my 2nd go around I thought I was ready and knew what to expect. But as they say every cancer is different.  The port placement was OK but now I am in alot of pain with the soreness and pulling.  I didn't have a port the first time.  Any advice on how to relieve this pain.  I'm taking advill but it's not working.  The dr. said it should go away in a few days.  I rested all day yesterday but back at work now and just feel like going home.  I made a tentative work schedule for chemo where I will be working from home 2 days after each chemo session and I will have the weekend off as well.  Do you think that's enough time?  I'm thinking maybe I should take short term disability for the 3 months that I will be having chemo.  I will have 4 rounds of TC.  Any advice?

    Sparkle

    I don't know whether you should twke the 3 months off, but I will say that if you can do it, I would.  Twke good care of yourself.

    As far as the port problems, I had mine taken out after a week. It got really worse and worse by the day. Something was wrong. I should have called sooner.

  • JosephK
    JosephK Member Posts: 64
    #20
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    Hap, Call Memorial Sloan

    Hap, Call Memorial Sloan Kettering. I think it's legit. I t has worked on Lymphoma and Luikemia patients and they want to see how it works on triple negative and Metastatic breast cancer. Also there are Keytruda trials as well. There has been postive results from previous trials. Can't hurt to ask.

  • HapB
    HapB Member Posts: 527
    edited June 2017 #21
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    JosephK said:

    an Immunotherapy that has

    an Immunotherapy that has been effective on some Cancers

    Joseph

    i believe that study has been discredited and not for BC.

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