I'm ashamed of myself

foxhd Member Posts: 3,181
edited May 2017 in Kidney Cancer #1

Too many recent deaths. They impact me for the obvious reasons. It isn't fair and it will not be. One person dies and another lives. Same dx. and treatment. I'll never be ned, but I've always been a partial responder to treatments, so as long as new options become available, I may be ok. There is some survivors guilt but not too much. I have worked exremely hard to reach this point and believe 80% of people who have had a similar history are not here. I've held a supreme confidence in myself to never quit. It is why I am still here posting. Everyones support and feedback provides the fuel I need and if it were only up to my family and med. team, I'd probably be long gone too. I am unable to express my graditude to all of you to match what is in my heart. Thank you. For those of you who observe my writing of FLY, I know it gets interpreted as some mind tripping trance inducing expression of soaring above all that tries to break us. Mind over matter. My spiritual high. I kind of not want to tell the real truth. FLY stands for, "Fox Loves You". So soar as you wish. Remember I've got your back. Karma. It is always larger than the sum of its componets. When my time does come, it will be my reward to relax after going the distance. Much different than having my life cut short as if someone pulled the rug out from under me.

Ashamed. Embarrassed. I'm actually kind of sick over something. I realize this feeling is because there are only a few people who actively post who have been here longer than me. I am a dinosaur. Everyone else, like 95% of you reading this, are relatively new. You go through things in your daily lives that I have lost touch about. Ancient history. And to me at this point often bordering on ridiculous. (maybe if all new RCC patients had a high death rate, no one would be concerned over the length of their scar.) Sorry people. Focus. A scar is the absolute last thing someone should concern themselves with when we are talking about a necessary life saving surgical procedure. But I am rambling.

I was researching a bit on targeted drugs for RCC. One site led back to a discussion posted in this forum from several years back. I had to click it. Curiosity. I was interested in the who, what and when it was posted. It broke my heart. I am so sad and hurt. This is going to take a few days to deal with.

Just like today new members come and go, came and went. Some of you may have developed close relationships and stay in touch with friends you met here. A bond developes. Back when I started, Iceman and Donna lee were already supplying support. Texas Wedge was the brains and leader of our group. GSRon was a friend to all. GaryM carried us with humor and positive energy. Then there was one more. The original poster of the topic I was searching. I am ashamed and embarassed because as time passed memories faded. Maybe as few as 5 people here remember and knew her. But how could someone I cared for so much slip from my thoughts?

Recent tributes to the loss of Kevin, and Foots, and Mark stirred memories of others. Tex and GSRon, Alexanra, Djinnie, Neil, Blkjak, the captain. People we loved, respect and mourn for. I need to add to this list. I promise to NEVER let it slip my thoughts again. We developed a closeness and will tell you I was falling in love with my new best buddy. She valiantly fought to survive. A big piece of me is missing.

Paula. I love you and miss you. I cannot forgive myself for not keeping you first on my list. I will never let that happen again. Maybe some day we will meet and after I squeeze and hug you to death we can continue helping those who need us.

Paula, you will always be my best friend. FLY.  Thankfully I still have Jojo, Jan, and Donna Lee to help me hold it together. Don't underestimate the value of friends one can make by participating and generating the karma that keeps us alive. One thing that does sadden me is that I don't see the closeness between members today that I experienced 5 years ago. Make me wrong.  To everyone, "Thank you for listening."





  • Kat23502
    Kat23502 Member Posts: 179
    Don't beat yourself up.

    Don't beat yourself up. Whether it's ok or not, having memories fade is a testament to you living life! It's a positive  spin on the guilt I'm sure you are feeling, but one that deserves at least a bit of space in your brain. I love the support this community has to offer and hope to develope relationships that last a very long time. 

  • rhominator
    rhominator Member Posts: 233
    Time dilutes memory

    Time dilutes memories--by the simple accumulation of more memories as time moves on.

  • BoondockSaint
    BoondockSaint Member Posts: 242
    Wow......I have no words

    Wow......I have no words other than, I am thankful for you and each and every person here. Tho we'll likely never meet on this side of eternity. It eases my mind to have ya'll and this place.


  • stub1969
    stub1969 Member Posts: 954 Member

    Fox, thanks for writing.  My appreciation to you for expressing your deep feelings and exposing your heart to us.  I do want to bring up a point that you mention about not feeling the closeness on this site like you experienced in the past.  As you know, I wasn't here 5 years ago, but I can't imagine having any stronger feelings towards a group of "friends" (albeit cyber friends) than I do to the folks that post here regularly.  My time here has been short compared to you, but I've seen posts where members roll their emotions off thier fingers on the keyboard so you can literally feel their pain or joy.  And when you, or I, or others help them or  we celebrate with them, the thanks we receive and connections we make is genuine.  To me, that's pretty powerful.  I wish you well, my friend.


  • Retcenturion
    Retcenturion Member Posts: 240
    Thank you for Posts

    I am a Newbie here, was taught keep ears,eyes open .mouth shut. I have been going through archived posts.I am not a tech guy at all,but am so glad to have found this forum. In the physical world memorials teach the new what people did before them. The memories here are in the words that people have posted. Your friends who have passed have left a great Legacy for us who did not know them and we get to read their stories. Your story & opinions are well known and highly respected.Thank you.

  • Jan4you
    Jan4you Member Posts: 1,330 Member
    Oh Foxy baby, glad you could

    Oh Foxy baby, glad you could get this off your chest/heart! Good reflection.

    Remember, when we ARE dealing with a chronic, life threatening illness and side effects of meds/treatments we hope will keep us here even longer, it does become about US, the individual. It takes ALL your strength and constitution, Fox to just get through each and ever day, each and every treatment.

    FOX LIVES=and thats a good thing! Healing doesn't always mean of the body. I know you already know this.

    Sending you continued hope and wellness my dear!

    Healing Hugs, Jan

  • Abunai
    Abunai Member Posts: 173

    Fox, my introverted personality prevents me, a lot of the time, from sounding like a friendly guy and forming comraderies online.

    You were one of the first forum members I read and interacted with. You are the continuity and the bridge between the old forum and the newer folks.

    I like to think of you as a mentor and as a friend.

    Wow. Sounds corny but I'm going to post it anyway.


  • todd121
    todd121 Member Posts: 1,448
    Hear hear!

    I miss those. I drop in less often and don't feel good about that, but I have to admit I'm glad my cancer is not on my mind like it was.

    Another name that didn't make your list, but is on my mind: Nanosecond. Researcher, poster, fighter. I miss them. GSRon was the only one of these I had a chance to meet in person. His passing really shocked me, as I'd just seen him a few weeks before and he seemed to be in really good health and spirits.

    I'm so glad you're here and that you continue to post and support all of us, and that we get to keep suppporting you and others.


    Not quite as catchy. ;) Oh, well. It's the sentiment that counts.


  • Jan4you
    Jan4you Member Posts: 1,330 Member
    Todd, I just love it when you

    Todd, I just love it when you DO appear, anytime! But glad you are not dwelling on cancer.

    And Fox did mention Nanosecond by his first name, Neil.

    Stay well my friend,

    hugs, Jan

  • sandy23
    sandy23 Member Posts: 143
    edited May 2017 #11
    As always, you are so well

    As always, you are so well-spoken.  You must have had amazing grades in school.  

    For what it's worth, I can't tell you how much I appreciate your candor and straight from the hip way of saying things.  I know this will sound a little strange but I often think of something that someone has said on this forum when I am having a particularly low moment to try to "dig myself out of the hole".  You are that person many of those times and I thank you for that.

    SLY Fox.  Hey, that kind of works, ha ha!!

  • angec
    angec Member Posts: 924
    Fox, I know what you mean.

    Fox, I know what you mean.  It seems that when we checked in each day it was comforting to see the ole group responding and helping new ones.  Even One putt left us

     which meant Alice didn't stop by anymore. What happened to Gary?  He just stopped his Friday jokes. Is he ok?  I miss the old gang too.  But, I look forward to coming on here and seeing your comments.  You never fail to keep everyone on their toes.  So grateful that you are responding to treatmeht, you have been through heck and back.  Guilt is not a good thing, let it go.  Positive energy is what is needed to keep going.  Thanks for sharing yours.  Hugs and such!

  • APny
    APny Member Posts: 1,995 Member
    Words fail me. Wish I could

    Words fail me. Wish I could give you a hug. xo

  • foxhd
    foxhd Member Posts: 3,181

    When Paula passed we didn't know. She had just wrote me to tell me she couldn't do it anymore. Alex the firecracker had some amazing talents and posted her obit. I can't find it and wondered if any cyber detectives can? I think her link was through the jewish connections in Atlanta. Alex was also able to get in contact with Tex's business associates when he passed also. I miss my friends. It is sort of like the biker community. Loyalty is a rare virtue.

  • marosa
    marosa Member Posts: 333
    edited May 2017 #15
    Can I just say...

    Im here. Always listening to what you have to say.  Forever forever grateful and always at a loss for words!  Love you Fox! 

  • rhominator
    rhominator Member Posts: 233
    edited May 2017 #16
    foxhd said:


    When Paula passed we didn't know. She had just wrote me to tell me she couldn't do it anymore. Alex the firecracker had some amazing talents and posted her obit. I can't find it and wondered if any cyber detectives can? I think her link was through the jewish connections in Atlanta. Alex was also able to get in contact with Tex's business associates when he passed also. I miss my friends. It is sort of like the biker community. Loyalty is a rare virtue.

    Check the Wayback Machine

    Fox, if you know the website where it was posted, then you can look for snapshot of it on the Web Archive (https://web.archive.org/), aka the Wayback Machine.

  • donna_lee
    donna_lee Member Posts: 1,023 Member
    Wisdom and friendship

    have gone beyond the board.  Sometimes Fox and I have communicated thru the personal connect.  I absolutely cannot see a Harley without thinking of you.  And living on US 101, which follows the Oregon coastline, we get lots of them passing through and just visiting.  There is even a Harley Store, the furthest west in the US.

    I think because this is semi-anonymous, as we don't run into one another at the grocery or game, we reveal more of ourselves than we might in a sit-down support group. This seemed to be they way I felt after regular participation in a local, weekly group for over 8 years. Here, you can just add a High 5 to good news, or address a situation with valid comments, or offer support.  But sometimes you just don't have anything to add, as is my case-they were experimenting with robotic and lap surgeries, the drugs available now weren't even in trials, and my cancer had mets to so many places that my first surgery took 11 1/2 hours.  Of course I didn't even get out of recovery and/or ICU for 2 days.

    We all come from different circumstances in joining together to fight to live and survive after having cancer.  I am reminded frequently of this fight, especially when I am with my youngest Granddaughter.  My D-i-L was 6 months pregnant with her when she joined me at the P.C.s office as he was telling me what my test results were.  Now I get to watch Bridget play volleyball, swim, run track, and do all sorts of things.  She participated in age group track thru Boys & Girls Club and was showing me her ribbons-2 blue's 1 red and 1 yellow.  I told her I was really proud of her and gave her advice that, "it's not always about winning the blue ribbon, but is important that you try to do your best and finish the competition or match."  Her efforts this past month seem to have given her good results; she took 1st in the 5th grade girls 100 m. dash in a local all comer's meet; and will now get to go to state at Hayward Field on the UO campus in June.  Hayward was host to the Olympic Trials last year and the kids meet will follow the 2 days of NCAA finals.  Way to go young lady!

    I guess my advice to her is reinterpreted for us; Fight the good fight and no matter where the finish line is, make the effort to get there.

    You made my day, Fox.  Keep inspiring all of us.


  • Bellafelice
    Bellafelice Member Posts: 57
    You are a positive force here

    Dear Foxhd,

      When I first got on this board 3 months ago and was panicing about my hubbys diagnosis of RCC mets, JoJo and I had been corresponding daily on this site. When I told her that my hubby had 2 spinal mets, she recommended that I contact you as you had experience with that. Sure enough, I did find you and you got right back to me. I follow how you are doing all the time, along with several other members that I have been fortunate enough to meet here. It is pretty obvious to me what a wonderful person you are. I am sure that everyone you have touched has come away a better person for it. Thanks for being here!

  • foxhd
    foxhd Member Posts: 3,181
    I'm getting better!

    at this computer crap. I found Paula Boze obit in the Atlanta Newspaper.  She passed at home april 8th, 2013.

    You have all said wonderful things. It means alot to me. This remains the best place to provide my dose of feelgood.

  • Steve.Adam
    Steve.Adam Member Posts: 463

    Hi Fox... You know.. I can't really say 'I love you' because, well, you know...

    But I do kind of like you... A bit.

    Anyway... It is good to hear/read/witness people revealing themselves.

    I communicate reasonably well but I am still very self conscious about revealing anything deep, important and personal. It's interesting because when other people reveal themselves it usually raises my opinion of them (except for the psycho types, of course).


  • lobbyist0724
    lobbyist0724 Member Posts: 484 Member
    I believe the best place to

    I believe the best place to share our feelingis is here. There are alot of ppl won't post a single post but I am sure lots of them check here everyday based on the view counter. Not saying ppl around us are not caring, but they just can't undertand us at the same level in terms of facing the fundamental fear, some might have serious emotional attack daily or from their related side effects. But from what I have been reading, the audience here understand, and are touched. Fox, not saying I will understand the difficult at stage 4, but I am touched with the words (the sad ones and the funny ones). I recalled my phychologist taught me something years ago, saying we are just human, there will always be guilt, regret and etc. And we will need to learn how it "let go", she taught me to do a flush every year to forgive myself.

    Those friends have completed their journey and are now on a new one. Therefore, please cherish the new ones here, even thhough they might need you more than you need them :)

    p.s. for the new ones, please type one line or one word (i.e. congratulations) sometimes just to support each other will be fantastic!