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Losing a second Husband to Cancer

WonderWoman2017
Posts: 3
Joined: May 2017

It's crazy to think I will lose a second Husband to Cancer. Surviving a Spouse was hard enough, surviving the lose of two is inconceivable. I lost my first husband to Liver Cancer at 32, waited 14 long years to start dating again, and then married a High School friend just 4 short years ago. He was diagnosed with Bladder Cancer 1 1/2 years ago, had his bladder removed and it has now spread to his Liver and several other areas. How am I supposed to do this again? The first time I knew I had to keep going as my young children depended on me and I had to support them. How do I find the strength to keep moving forward this time? There is no Counselor or book that can give me advice on how to handle this, I feel so alone and so lost. 

JerzyGrrl's picture
JerzyGrrl
Posts: 757
Joined: Jun 2016

So sorry to hear you will go through this again. This time there are differences - Different kind of cancer, you are older, different personalities involved, different doctors and treatments... As your husband goes through "x," you'll remember your first husband going through "x" (or "similar-to-x") as well. Even if you did a thorough job of grieving the first time, you may find yourself re-grieving. Or this time you may find yourself NOT grieving the "right way" (Not that there is any sort of "right way to grieve) and have to deal with that, too.

You mention there's no counselor to help you prepare for this. That's true. You would have a better time trying to find a counselor who can walk through this with you. 

All the best, feel free to keep us posted - 

Jerzy

Noellesmom
Posts: 1858
Joined: Aug 2010

In the same situation post here but can't remember their names.

I am sorry you are in this situation. I cannot imagine.

david54
Posts: 167
Joined: Apr 2009

Hi-I have lost two wives to cancer, within 6 years, same house, same room Frown. I won't sugarcoat it, it really stinks! I am sorry you too are experiencing this, again. I can't give any advice other than you are/will feel raw, angry, confused, sad, depressed, longing, perhaps survivors guilt (?) lonely, isolated at times. Big help I am right??  

I have had to ask myself this question, what if my two wives had faced their cancers without me? Would their suffering have been greater? I think so. Not meaning to sound arrogant, what I'm trying to convey is that your husbands for whatever reason, needed you to be there for them in their time of facing their mortalityl You are that person who was chosen to care and be there for them!

It comes with a price, it hurts! Where would they have been without you! You are their angel! The memories of your first husbands cancer are likely resurfacing due to your second husbands cancer, like re-reading an old script you never wanted to read again! 

I recommend seeing a counselor, try to get excercise, reach out to your friends, adult children, and pour it out here! You are in my prayers and thoughts, trust me, I won't say I know what you are going through, but its dang close!

And I agree-be prepared to grive differently with your second husband. You are older, there is some time between losing your spouses but our grief in my opinion is based on the dynamics of our relationships. My first marriage was for 32 years and I lost Esther in July 2010. My second marriage to Bonnie was for 4 years and I lost her November 22nd of 2016. I thought it (the grief) would be the same as the first time. I was wrong. My second marriage in all honesty was my "Soul Mate." I loved both of my wives very much, but Bonnie was my love, my angel.

If you care to, feel free to send me a private e-mail.

David

cheatinlil's picture
cheatinlil
Posts: 191
Joined: Jun 2014

David this sounds like poetry or music to my ears... what I'm trying to convey is that your husbands for whatever reason, needed you to be there for them in their time of facing their mortalityl You are that person who was chosen to care and be there for them!

I believe this is what keeps me going.  I was chosen to care for my husband during this time. Beautifully said.

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