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April 24, 2014

OO7's picture
OO7
Posts: 282
Joined: Sep 2014

 I just arrived home from the funeral  when I heard the dreaded three words, "you have cancer".  I learned that anniversaries and scans cause a bit of anxiety.

Three years ago I was  diagnosed.   Three weeks later I found out that my father also had cancer.   I pretended not to have cancer went through the treatment alone, then the next 15 months I watched my father fail.

This warrior is scared because now I  don't feel right.  Of course it's nothing and this too shall pass...

I guess I'm just at a loss.  It could be worse.

Need my mojo...

po18guy
Posts: 1011
Joined: Nov 2011

Look beyond this life. What we see as "death" is guaranteed even to the healthiest of us. I believe there is more - infinitely more, but such beliefs are no longer popular. Those who struggle the most profoundly with our mortality are those who believe nothing, or who believe in everything.

OO7's picture
OO7
Posts: 282
Joined: Sep 2014

to think such views are unpopular.   I for one can't imagine my life so desolate.

My post came in a rather raw and human form.  Pathetic really.  I fear my current systoms and lack of desire to address them.  I miss my father greatly and it saddens me that I couldn't tell him about my diagnosis while he was trying to fight his battle.   I didn't want his pity but rather his understanding of why I had to do the things I did.

Thank you for responding, I was having a rather weak moment.

lindary's picture
lindary
Posts: 663
Joined: Mar 2015

I believe that when your dad died he did find out about your cancer and what you were going through. I would like to think he would have been proud and understanding why you did not tell him or other famliy members about it. Just know you did what you felt was the best for your family. Maybe it is getting to be time for you to tell them about your cancer and why you didn't tell them back when.

OO7's picture
OO7
Posts: 282
Joined: Sep 2014

I hope you're right, I think my father got the memo in Heaven.  My former Councelor shares your thoughts about talking to my mother. I came close but my thoughts are it will only benefit myself and hurt her.  I just can't do that.   The downside in my secret is not one that I need love and support, I need her understanding because sometimes I keep my  distance.  I'm afraid of what I might say and I can't get involved with certain things that are going on in my family.

 

It's not ideal but as long as I don't go into treatment again, all should be well.

I go into my oncologists office on Tues, he set aside an HOUR.  Yikes.  I'm sure all is well just don't want to discuss this stuff....

Hope you're well!

 

Rocquie's picture
Rocquie
Posts: 836
Joined: Mar 2013

I'm sorry you don't feel right and that you feel scared. Do you need to see your doctor to have things checked out, to relieve your mind? If you don't think that is the case, maybe you can try other means to bolster and strenghten your spirit. Try to get outside if you can--fresh air can do amazing things. Guided imagery and aromatherapy help balance me. 

I am very sorry about the loss of your father. I lost my Dad while I was on treatment also. (He had leukemia). Tough times. 

I'm praying you find your mojo soon.

Hugs,

Rocquie

 

OO7's picture
OO7
Posts: 282
Joined: Sep 2014

Bloody hell, you lost your dad to too......

I hope and pray it wasn't at the same time as you were batteling your cancer.  Difficult time indeed.  That whole experience left a scare on my heart larger and depeer than the Grand Canyon.  I'm so sorry.

Regrettably I do have some things that need to be discussed with my Oncologist but I don't think it's anything.   Last week I spoke to the nurse and the doctor said he wanted to see me, I made an appointment but then canceled.  Hoping he was busy and wouldn't notice.  His office is to good for that, now I'm going in next week.  I think they're on to me and my tricks, now I feel like a 51 year old toddler!

Thank you for your suggestions they're great.   As I told Po, I was just having a bad moment and I appreciate you taking the time and reaching out.   As a wife and a mother I'm always taking care of other people.   I'm guilty of not taking care of myself I feel like an actress most of the time but every now and then I let myself to be real.  It was mostly the date, bad anniversary.  I failed to celebrate  because I was too busy looking back.

We live and we learn.

 

Thank you again, hugs right back!

 

 

po18guy
Posts: 1011
Joined: Nov 2011

Is always a factor here. Yet, worry is not a rational thing to engage in, even while it is very common. One trick that I suggest is to write worries down in a spiral binder. At the appropriate time, review and cross off those worries which never came to pass. I am betting that most, if not all worries, will be crossed off.

OO7's picture
OO7
Posts: 282
Joined: Sep 2014

Thank you, I will try that and hope not to lose the binder in the process!

Max Former Hodgkins Stage 3's picture
Max Former Hodg...
Posts: 3327
Joined: May 2012

007,

Cancer generally, and probably slow-moving Lymphoma especially, is the perfect disease for the worrier. 

It has all of the requisite attributes:

1. It is lethal (a worrier need not have so much concern about non-fatal conditions); 2. It is (relatively) slow-moving, so a lack of explicit symptoms is no proof against it; 3. It is costly to diagnose or confirm (if a drug-store test could confirm it or rule it out, it would be a poor worry-inducer); 4. It is massively expensive and tricky to treat; 5. It has a strong propensity for relapse (Is anyone ever really well ? );  6. It occurs with complete randomness; none of our high-dollar efforts at self control or determination work against it).

I've spent my whole life studying philosophy (since around 12; yea, I was an odd kid, prepping to be an odd adult).    All of the secular systems since Socrates, Pagan religions, monothestic religions (Judaism, Christianity, Islam), Asian religions, but mainly Buddhism, Taoism, and Buddhism-drived Zen.  

Our Age, by which I mean the last 100 years or so, is the first in world history to beleive simply nothing, "secualrism."  I do not recommend any beliefs to anyone in public forums like this, since it is so vehemently attacked by our beliefless world.  But my conclusion from these decades is that, as Po somewhat suggested, only a faith of some sort relieves the terror of nothingness.  Many modern philosophers explicitly argue for this condition of 'nothingness' -- Sartre and Heidegger especially.  Sartre's leading opus is entitled Being and Nothingness.  

I read a newspaper summation of Heidegger's life the week after he died; it was the early 70s, I think. It was written by either the NYT or AP, I can't recall.  I never forgot a line in that authorative review in a secular newspaper.  It said that Heidegger conculded that all human life "consists of care and dread, and projects levelled into nothingness by death."  His life's work as the greatest philosopher of the 20th century taught us what ?  The utter meaninglessness of life.  This is endemic and fundamental in our culture today, and especially the universities world-wide. (It was from Heiidegger's main work, Being and Time, that the word "Angst" entered popular use in English {I just wish people would pronounce it correctly}.)  For Heidegger, human life consists of Sorge und Angst (care and dread).  All life is as-if a precipice, and no one avoids falling into the meaninglessness of death and extinction. Fright is the normal emotion of the human being, given these particulars.

I absolutely am not commenting on your individual set of affiliations or world-views; I have no idea whatsoever what you hold or do not hold sacred. I speak in general only, as you raised the issue of what brings peace to a human being.  Not secularism: Secularism says so itself.

max

 

OO7's picture
OO7
Posts: 282
Joined: Sep 2014

You have given me the gift of thought.  Yet I feel more like a misshaped puzzle piece that doesn't fit anywhere and someone who is rarely understood.

Thankfully I'm graced with firm beliefs but my human side lacks strengths at times.   I can be pretty strong but I feel it's important for me to actually allow myself to process lifes challenges at times because I cannot live the illusion that I'm perfectly fine all the time (it can be exhausting).   I graciously accept the road I'm on but fear because of my past  that I will ignore symptoms out of denial.  I worry more about my son going off to college and his driving than my departure from this realm.  I have to trust more.  I'm absolutely raw after losing my father.

I except that we're all different in our beliefs.  I'm just grateful that I have mine.   I take nothing for granted, I appreciate everything given to me.  I just want to lead a purposeful life and some how make God proud of me.  I know silly thought but true.

Thank you again, I really appreciate it.

I should note that although I accept my path, I didn't always like it.  I do get pissy but I'm still grateful for I know it could be much worse.

OO7

 

 

 

Max Former Hodgkins Stage 3's picture
Max Former Hodg...
Posts: 3327
Joined: May 2012

007,

I am thankful that you took my post the way I intended it.  A bit after I sent it, I thought perhaps it was a bit too metaphysical, a bit too cosmic.  But where we are in the cosmos is often the core issue.  All the talk here need not be about nausea and constipation....

No person, no Christian or Buddhist saint, is ever without worry, without doubt, without pain.  But there can be growth in this regard. I suspect that simply voicing your concerns shows that you are actually deepening and moving onward in new and better ways.  I was at work at 2:00 AM a year ago when my son called: He had rolled his car, it was in a ditch on its roof.  Terrifing indeed; he was blessed to walk away from it unhurt.   Every day in my town, and in every town, there are news stories of kids in wrecks, many fatal.  Statistically, most survive.  Fear of these things is unavoidable for a parent, as best I can determine.

Part of your reply reminds me more of Kafka than of per se philosophy.  My great-great grandfather migrated to the US from the edge of Prague while that writer was a youth.  Kafka spoke mostly just German, and western Bohemia then was heavily Germanic, and my grandfather in fact married a Bavarian: the midwest then and now was mostly Bohemian and Scandanavians.

Bless your journey, and I'm glad you broached this subject,

max

 

po18guy
Posts: 1011
Joined: Nov 2011

I have made a few incursions into defense of my faith on YouTube. I believe myself now to be bulletproof. Skin formerly thinned by prednisone use is now thickening. Temper with others is no better, but their shots across my bow are no longer a danger.

Max is right. To believe in nothing converts a potentially beautiful life of love into a bitter joke.

ShadyGuy
Posts: 428
Joined: Jan 2017

that because I subscribe to no particular religion that my life is "desolate", I don't have a "life of love" and my existence is a "bitter joke". We all have opinions and certainly I respect yours. How some ever I see an attempt here to validate your own beliefs by convincing others. This is an interesting human trait. I see it often, even in my "bitter joke" of a life. I say take your comfort where you find it. Faith, in most anything, has definite health benefits. Thats a proven fact. Its called the placebo effect. Positive thoughts render positive results in many cases. However what works for one does not always work for others. I am glad you found what works for you.

Max Former Hodgkins Stage 3's picture
Max Former Hodg...
Posts: 3327
Joined: May 2012

I see Po's brief statement more as a summation of all academic philosophy of the last 100 years than an individual aspersion. It is in no way judgemental or prostelitizing; indeed, it does not mention religion at all.

It is primarily the proponets of no belief system who themselves claim that life is meaningless and devoid of rationality, hope, beauty, or clarity, not persons of belief.  I speak in cultural-historical generalities; of what our children are taught at university. Sartre, whom I referenced above, one of the most popular philosophers of the century, and a cultural hero in academia, viewed human life as Nausea -- a continuous heaving of vomit.  (See his bestseller entitled Nausea. )  I wish you well.   All persons have "beliefs," even those who are convinced that there is no basis for any beliefs.  

Even nihilism is a consistent, firmly-held world-view by many.   I am only saying that, logically, a position of "no belief" is itself a belief, and a formal metaphysical conclusion in itself.  To conclude that religion is effective due to "placebo effect" is a logical reductio,  and Freudian assumption.

My hospital system, which is secular, public, and vast, has introduced Prayer and beliefs seminars and discussions into its oncology wellness programs-- a common trend today in American medicine.  This is a legitimate and completely relevant line of discussion in this CSN venue. But I will make no further replies here publically, but welcome E-Mail discussions to anyone so inclined, for or against.

max

 

ShadyGuy
Posts: 428
Joined: Jan 2017

can't argue with your points. However, being a technical person I need to see some reality in my beliefs. I am neither here nor there on the supernatural. However my example of the people who worshipped Rah for 3500 years is a good example of how I feel. I wonder if the few in that community who did not worship Rah are in the same place as people who did? Nihilism is an over statement of how I feel. I just think its wrong to label people who believe differently than myself as a "bitter joke". I do believe in positive thinking as a health aid but I think it has as much to do with hormones as with supernatural beings. Enough said. No more.

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