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1st Examination after surgery and chemo

Nellasing
Posts: 529
Joined: Oct 2016

Hi ladies.... I need some support- I have been trying so hard to get my "brave" on for this 1st exam tomorrow (19th) but I am not sleeping well and today actually shaking and emotional.

I am going to share something with you that almost no one knows with the hopes that perhaps I am not alone???  This particular cancer is just my worst nightmare because of the exams.  My husband and I have never had children and because of my severe issues with being overweight it was always just so shameful to go to the Dr.  I suffered with endo and excruciating pain and exhaustion and NEVER WENT- never had my yearly exams, never complained or mentioned it because I was terrified that they would want to get even more into things.  I went to a lady gyn who almost let me die because we got an abnormal pap AFTER I went in for the spotting that had turned into heavy bleeding and she said don't worry we'll recheck in a year!  Lucky for me she was on vacation when test results came in and her stand in without ever seeing me referred me to a women's specialist who started doing biopsies and tests, ultra sound etc.  I would have never gone but my acupuncturist told me it was possibly a red flag because of my age.

It was slow going at first but then suddenly I had the diagnosis and off I went on the roller coaster- I was referred to my first Gyn Onc and it was only THEN that I faced a horrid truth - on the exam table- as I was falling apart I found my voice and asked HIM to stop- He did immediately as both He and His nurse could tell I was under great emotional stress.  He let the table down and got real quiet and asked me what was wrong- I finally said outloud after all these years that I had been raped as a young girl and that I needed a minute.  He said, "It's ok" you get dressed and we will come back in and talk.  I said we can't talk in front of my husband- he doesn't know!  Those moments were HUGE and thank goodness it was this man and his nurse because they couldn't have been more supportive or concerned.

They left the room and came back in a few- I was crying because I was afraid I had stopped the process and was going to have to wait to find someone else and that the delay would mean my disease would be worse.  He helped with those fears and said I promise you you will not lose a moment!  You need to go to my partner she is AMAZING and you will love her- He said remember, you are going to have a lifelong relationship with the person who is going to follow you- there will be many exams and checkups and you need to be comfortable!  He set up a pet scan for Sat., referred me to his partner, my wonderful gyn onc surgeon and she opened a day for me that Monday! 

I made it through those exams and surgery but here we are at another 1st exam after chemo.  My legs shake so bad and I can't relax.  She knows about the rape and I was able to tell my husband which was HUGE!  I also have a therapist who I've seen for several years and I finally was able to share it with them!!!  That is part of the blessing of this cancer "journey"!  It has freed me to have a voice and to recognize what happened was not my fault.  Some say that it's possible that's why the cancer developed there where all my negative thoughts and feelings have been directed all my life!!!  It was so bad that I really didn't want to be a woman anymore.

I appreciate your patience wading through this and for letting me get it out somewhere safe.  I would especially appreciate your prayers tomorrow as I face this.... I don't ever see it getting easier but I hope I can somehow make it ok and not be so afraid.  I know she isn't going to hurt me on purpose but I've read the threads about the pain that can come after surgery.  I'm facing radiation and right now there is NO WAY I can put myself through that for a number of reasons but this is one of them.

If there is anyone else out there who is facing secrets, guilt, shame whatever- please know that letting it out and letting it go, FORGIVENESS of self and others is key to beginning the healing and the postitive thinking everyone talks about- I didn't think it was possible but here I am 7 months later and I am a different more free person who is finding her voice and finding a new normal- almost a new life and it's all because of the "gift" of cancer.  I know that sounds weird but in my case that's what it is.

Many (((HUGS))) and shaking steps forward xoxo

TeddyandBears_Mom's picture
TeddyandBears_Mom
Posts: 1414
Joined: Jun 2015

Nella, So glad you found your voice! What a hard thing to struggle through alone all of these years. Makes me very sad for you. I'm incredibly grateful for you that you found such amazing doctors. You have a lot of healing to do and my bet is on you to come out way ahead when all is said and done. Ask your doctor if she can use some lidocaine before she does the exam. It will numb the area and you will feel nothing. I promise! I use it for every exam and my radiologist used it before my brachy therapy.  He has actually made my life easier than it was BEFORE cancer, chemo and radiation. (It only takes about 5 minutes to be numb.)

I'm so looking forward to hearing your happy new story a few months from now. I just know it will be great!

Good luck tomorrow. You will be fine.

Love and Hugs,

Cindi

txtrisha55's picture
txtrisha55
Posts: 676
Joined: Apr 2011

Thank you for sharing your story.  I am so sorry that all the bad things happened to you but know that the cancer is not because of that event in your life.  Cancer is just a mutation of cells that do that form correctly and it grows from that.  Why?  They are not sure of that yet but they are still researching it, when they find out why they can find the cure for it.  I have never been in the position you are in but I did choose a women Gyn dr when I first started going to the dr again after my mom passed away in 92.  I just could not get past a man dr doing a Pap test on me.  But I did go every year for one after 92 and they all were clean.  Then in 2011 I started heavy bleeding and knew something was not right.  Immediately went to dr and she did a D&C on me which find cancer cells, she referred me to a female gyn onc dr.  I would say it does get a bit easier when you are with the same dr each time you go.

 

Wishing you all the best with the therapy and your dr to get you through this.  You will find that as time goes on your inner strength. Praying for you and your husband to get through this next phase of your life. trish 

ConnieSW's picture
ConnieSW
Posts: 1335
Joined: Jun 2012

in my heart and thoughts tomorrow.  You just keep thinking about that during your exam.  If you tell us what time the appt is, I'll make sure I am concentrating on you.  I am so glad you found your voice and had a compassionate doctor who listened and responded accordingly.  

We did have another woman on this site who had suffered trauma and avoided exams.  She rarely posts anymore but hopefully she still reads and can reach out to you.

ConnieSW's picture
ConnieSW
Posts: 1335
Joined: Jun 2012

and want you to know I think you are amazing!  I love your statement about making the rest of your life the best of your life.  I have no doubt that you will manage tomorrow just fine.  FYI I did find my first exam postop uncomfortable but not too bad and it's been fine since.

NoTimeForCancer's picture
NoTimeForCancer
Posts: 2416
Joined: Mar 2013

Oh Nellasing, I can't imagine what it has been like to live with that all these years but I am so proud of you in finding your voice.  I am so glad you have someone professional to talk with and please continue to work on it.  I think I know all the ladies here are praying for you and hope for continued recovery for everything you have been through.

DrienneB's picture
DrienneB
Posts: 186
Joined: Aug 2013

Hoping that this continues to be a freeing and strengthening journey Nella. I applaud your bravery thus far and wish you all God's comfort with each exam. -j

Mmpeterson
Posts: 119
Joined: Sep 2016

Nella you have so much courage and strength.  Hold on to your husband and know that God is with you always!  Sending you many prayers and hugs!! Maryanne

Nellasing
Posts: 529
Joined: Oct 2016

It is hard putting things out there but I do so appreciate the love and concern and support- your words of wisdom and comfort are much appreciated.  My appt. is at 9AM and I am West Coast (pacific).  Thanks for the tip Teddy and Bears mom- I will ask about the lidocane- is it topical like what we put on the port?  I have some of that.  

I'd love to know which thread to read ConnieSW if there is one dealing with trauma that you mentioned. Congratulations on 4 years with NED!!!

I will check back in later- have a wonderful day- this is THE day we have  (((HUGS)))

TeddyandBears_Mom's picture
TeddyandBears_Mom
Posts: 1414
Joined: Jun 2015

Nella, the kind that I use is prescription grade. The kind you use on your port will sting if you put it on. Prior to getting this prescription, I used Orajel and the OTC lidocaine (ouch to both), they do sting. I used them anyway until my radiologist started me on the good stuff!  The sting on the OTC kind doesn't last long and if you can't get the good stuff and are willing to sting for about a minute, go for it if it eases your anxiety.

Your attitude is wonderful. I think you are well on your way.

Love and Hugs,

Cindi

Lou Ann M's picture
Lou Ann M
Posts: 996
Joined: Feb 2015

And so sad that you had to go through this.  I can't even imagine what you have been through.i am glad you found your voice.  Telling your husband and doctor is such an important start.  Being able.to talk about it here is also pretty brave.  You,are already,brave.  So happy you have a doctor that understands.  

Hugs and prayers, Lou Ann

LindyLu
Posts: 72
Joined: Sep 2016

I can't imagine going through this cancer journey with all the additional emotional trauma that you have endured and are facing.  What a brave woman and glad you found your voice.  "The truth will set you free."  You and your husband are courageous and strong.  I'll be praying for you both as you face this challenge tomorrow.  Love and hugs  ~LL

janaes
Posts: 666
Joined: May 2016

Nellasing,  thank you so much for your honesty.  I dont know all what you have gone through.  I can tell you that my two children are adopted and that i never had children biologically.  I do know how hard that is and thats enough to deal with.  I cant tell you what it took to come to terms with that.  Many nights crying hyserically plus so much more.  I really didnt go into yearly exams to much, probably party because i didnt want the pain that came with it.  I hadnt had a baby so never did know how that felt so when I had the exams(only because i needed meds for painful mentral cramps, once to have an iud in for mentrual problems too and my last time was because of blood clotting that was very unusual for me which is how they found my cancer) i went and thought it would hurt worse on me than on someone who did have a baby. My biopsy i had to find cancer was a surprise to me. I didnt know tell i got there. I thought the nurse practisioner was just going to tell me i might want to consider a hysterectomy because they found an inlarged cyct.  I didnt know she was going to test for cancer.  I still dont know if that is true that it hurts more for women that never had children biologically.   

That might not help as much as you woul like but hope it helps a little

Janae

Pm me if you want and we can talk more

Janae

EZLiving66's picture
EZLiving66
Posts: 1247
Joined: Oct 2015

((((Nellasing))))

Love,

Eldri

beccabtown's picture
beccabtown
Posts: 234
Joined: May 2016

Thank you for sharing your story. I hope it goes very well today. 

Kvdyson's picture
Kvdyson
Posts: 789
Joined: Jan 2016

Nellasing, it is close to the time of your appointment and I am sending out thoughts of comfort and strength to you. If you feel a little bit of pressure around your shoulders while you are in the exam room it is all of us hugging you. Be strong. You can do this! Kim

ConnieSW's picture
ConnieSW
Posts: 1335
Joined: Jun 2012

and it wasn't too bad.

I'm  trying to find the posts I was referring too but it was several years ago.  I think I remember who she was so if I can't find it, I'll email her.

Nellasing
Posts: 529
Joined: Oct 2016

I am back from my apt. it wasn't great but it helped knowing I had a team of support!

There wasn't this big ah-haa moment - she just said everything looked good.  I got back for my 2nd one Dec. 21st.

I think these times of waiting are what allows for the tension to grow and grow.  Hope I get better at it the more I go along... just like everything else- break it down into small pieces and do them one at a time.

In the meantime got back and took our girls (2 rescue schnoodles) for a nice walk in the fall air while there was no rain.  Saw tons of great things.

Thankful today for you and for this - the day WE ALL HAVE!   (((HUGS))))

PS ConnieSW it's ok- if you happen to find out just let me know.  Thx

LindyLu
Posts: 72
Joined: Sep 2016

Nella, so glad to hear your appointment was tolerable for you.  It's over and nice to hear you celebrated by taking a walk and enjoying the fall day!  Try not to fret about the next appointment... as you say, one day at a time.   Hugs, LL

Nellasing
Posts: 529
Joined: Oct 2016

Appreciate the love Kiss

Kvdyson's picture
Kvdyson
Posts: 789
Joined: Jan 2016

So happy to hear that it went well! Please don't spend your energy worrying about the next appoinment. It will come and go just like this one did. Focus on the important things like your girls and your walks in the beautiful fall air. That is why you fought this disease. Don't give it any more attention or energy then you absolutely have to. It's already taken up too much of that!

Nellasing
Posts: 529
Joined: Oct 2016

Yes!  I am not worrying about it or even thinking about it just reporting it and MOVING ON!  Thank you Kvdyson <3  (((HUGS)))

Editgrl's picture
Editgrl
Posts: 903
Joined: Jun 2015

I can only echo what the other women have said here.  I am so proud of you for finding your voice after all these years.  What a strong woman you have grown into and what a journey you have had so far.

Your doctors sound amazing, caring and compassionate.  How wonderful to be surrounded by such a team.

May you continue to take one day at a time and enjoy the blessings each day provides.

Chris 

Nellasing
Posts: 529
Joined: Oct 2016

I am SO HAPPY someone told me about this board- you ladies are all just so wonderful and supportive.  It helps to have a place to go!

Prayers and blessings to each and everyone who reads this- make it a GREAT DAY because it's the day WE HAVE <3 <3  ((((HUGS))))

Lou Ann M's picture
Lou Ann M
Posts: 996
Joined: Feb 2015

you made it, so proud of you.  You are one strong women.  With what you have gone,through you can handle anything.

Hugs and prayers, Lou Ann

Mmpeterson
Posts: 119
Joined: Sep 2016

Baby steps are what I try to take.  So happy you made it through your appointment!  Many hugs and prayers! Maryanne

sshhaarrii
Posts: 36
Joined: Oct 2016

Good news story. My 1st exam after hysterectomy, no pain, none, 1st time in my life. I couldn't hardly believe it. 

Nellasing
Posts: 529
Joined: Oct 2016

So glad you didn't have any pain!!  Take the wins and celebrate :D I hope they are all that way from here on  (((HUGS)))

TeddyandBears_Mom's picture
TeddyandBears_Mom
Posts: 1414
Joined: Jun 2015

Glad to hear it Shari. It is so nice to have the positive things that come out of this tough journey.

Love and Hugs,

Cindi

janaes
Posts: 666
Joined: May 2016

Nellasing,  Im glad things worked out for you.  I think you are right the waiting is hard and i do think you will get better at.  Emotions just come with this cancer stuff.  Remember we are here for you.

Love janae

Soup52's picture
Soup52
Posts: 850
Joined: Jan 2016

So glad your exam went well. Yes, waiting is hard, but true you may get used to the waits. Best of luck:)

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