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How long does the anger and hate last towards the ones you love?

Lostandlooking's picture
Lostandlooking
Posts: 3
Joined: Oct 2016

I am a thyroid cancer sevior 5 years, When I first started dating  my boyfriend 2 years ago I noticed his testical was off. This winter I almost died do to doctor error, which caused me to lose my ovary in February of 2016. After this happend his testical became a huge concern for me, even though he wasnt at all. We are both 31 with no children so this seemed like it should be a big deal. Once his sleep paterns and habbits changed I knew something was wrong. In early May I dropped him off at the doctors and told him to call me when he was done since he would never go.  The appoinment was on a thursday afternoon and by monday morning he was having his testical removed the tumor was 9cm. He didnt have the chemo till early July, but May and June were not easy. I treid to be so patient becasue I know the hormones can really change you since I lost the ovary and my thyroid if anyone would it would be me. Before the chemo the doctors and I felt it was important to freeze some sprem just incase. Once the chemo  started his mood  seemed to get worse. There were some great days but that bad days were so bad. I became the problem and reason he was always angry no matter what happend or where he was. In August he went and bought a ring and we put an offer on a house so I thought things maybe getting better. Two weeks after the offer was escepted and the ring was bought he  wanted nothing to do with me and toldme  that I should kill myself. I am trying to understand I know people say chemo changes people but its so hard to cope with. I asked what I did to make him such an angry horriable person that he blammed me for every day? The only answer I was given is I FORCED him to go to the doctor and sperm bank. I have not seen him in over a month, I am trying to understand how this effects men so much and if there is any hope. The hope im trying to find is will he ever be  back to the way he was and realize what he is doing? There are days I wish I wouldnt have forced him to the doctor, I know thats selfish and there is a plan for everyone. I just wish my plan wasnt to save his life,  and have him taken from mine. I hope there are any men or women who read this who may know what I am going through or have gone through. What did you do, or do they ever come back to being who they are?

Lostandlooking

Caleb1307's picture
Caleb1307
Posts: 1
Joined: Dec 2016

I just finished Chemo myself. I have heard that some people experience anger but for me I was more irritable especially when I wasn't feeling well. But I never felt anger toward anyone. I'm sorry you are going through this. I know that I felt like no one really understood unless they had gone through it themselves. But again I understood that my loved ones were only trying to help the best they knew how. It could be partly due to chemo but it also could be part depression from the experience.

MattGilmour's picture
MattGilmour
Posts: 1
Joined: Dec 2016

I finished Chemo 4 months ago now, and i'm just getting my hair back. I have found that i did lash out at a few of the people closest to me during my chemo. Which i regret. I just know i found my brain very fogged and confused during and after. Not that is an excuse. I feel guilty about it, and it is harder to face problems head on then it used to be for some reason. Only now am i starting to regain some of my confidence.  I hope that you don't take the overall part of this out of perspective. You saved his life and if he holds a grudge for that, that is unfortunate. But dont let that belittle the good you have done, or prevent you from making the same choice in the future. 

From what i have heard is most cases peoples heads have cleared between 6months. in worst case scenario's in can be upto 2 years... Im no doctor though, this is just what i have heard and read online. 

I am not sure if anything i said helps ease your mind at all... But i hope it improves for you. 

LM109907
Posts: 5
Joined: Jan 2017

Hey Lostandlooking,

I'm sort of going through the same thing as you. In late August my boyfriend found a lump on his right testicle. He went to the doctor right away and within a couple of weeks it was removed. He caught it really early so he ended up not having to go through chemo but he started to pull away from me. We were so happy together. We had disscussed marriage and really wanted to spend our lives together. He really started to get deeper into the depression though and he would never talk to me about it. Just last week he blindsided me with a breakup. It came out of no where and he tried to say that it was my fault. That I didnt like to travel enough and I want kids and hes not ready for marriage. These are things that we should have discussed together. We talked for five hours where he was back and forth about breaking up and finally I ended it. He said that he needed time but who knows how much time that will be. I still love him and want to be with him and I will give him space but its scary not knowing if he will ever work through it and I cant wait around for years wondering if he will be okay. I asked him to go to a councelor multiple times but he says he cant because thats admitting he had cancer. I, too cant come to terms with the fact that I stood by him through so much, the surgery, all the appointments, the fertility clinic and infertility scares and we over came this only to still lose him to the cancer. I am praying every day that he can sort through everything. Hopefully time will heal his emotional scars and he will realize he still wants the future we had talked about. I dont know if any of this helps you at all but just know you are not alone. Others are going through some of these same problems. I wish you and your boyfriend the best of luck. I really hope he sorts through his anger and realizes how much you did for him. Whether he wants to admit it or not, you saved his life. It seems like he just wanted to bury his head in the sand and pretend that it wasnt happening and thats why he is mad at you now. You forced him to confront the fact that he had cancer and it wasnt just going to go away. Maybe thats why my boyfriend reacted the same way. I too wanted him to confront the fact that he had had cancer. Hopefully they can both find help.

michelleIL's picture
michelleIL
Posts: 1
Joined: Jan 2017

Wow! I'm glad I have been reading these comments either here or elsewhere. I am currently supporting my boyfriend who has his third round of testicular cancer. It showed up in the mesentery of his colon, right around the blood supply, so they couldn't take the tumor out. Before I knew all these details and we were just in the diagnosis stage, I had been dealing with feelings like nobody's business. My mantra to Jesus was literally "This is Bull****!!!" I kept feeling like I wanted to just run away. NOT that I would ever do that, but it was there, and then I felt bad for thinking that way, just a series of ups and downs and stress. Wondering what life in the future will be like, and alternating that with trying to enjoy the good days because this will be a hard bttle for sure. I think he is getting the red chemo.

I knew there was a risk of his cancer coming back from the beginning and I told God I was willing to love this man if it meant that the latter years of his life would be happy! We are goin on eight years and I'm not sorry! If I had to do it all over again I would absolutely do it! Again, he has good days and bad days, and that was before chemo. He is doing his chemo on an inpatient basis since this is his third time. Hugs to those of you with relationship struggles. I'm thinking your spouses/partners/SO just didn't have anywhere to turn with their emotions and couldn't handle them on their own.

Apaugh's picture
Apaugh
Posts: 827
Joined: Aug 2016

Unfortuanatly this happens to many men going through this.  It is a tostersterone drop that hits them and it is hard.  Kind of like when a woman has a hysterectomy and her hormones are all wack.  Same things.   The doctors can give them shots for this but it has to be done in low amounts adn not too fast or your wlll have a very grumpy bear on your hands.   It can take years to find a balance and then over time they dont need it as much.  Counceling just for them or cancer groups for men they can go on their own does help too.  It makes them feel they are not alone.  They have to heal physically, mentally, and on a spirital level all at the same time.   Give them space, give them time.  You too have a life.  Go on with yours, be understanding, and make sure you give yourself some you time. 

HUGS,

Annie 

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