didnt get support from dad

janaes
janaes Member Posts: 799 Member
in Uterine/Endometrial Cancer #1

So my next chemo treatment is next tuesday.  I went out to dinner with my family tonight and my dad asked me if i felt bettter than i did 20 years ago when i had cancr.  I really wanted to speak the truth and told him i thought that i just feel like i just traded side effects. I think he was hoping i would say yes to his question.  I dont think that would be the truth though.  I couldnt stand the dizzyiness i got this last chemo and am still feeling joint pain that is not fun.  Yes i deal with the stuff.  What else am i going to to do with it.  I honestly cant say that it is easier  than 20 years ago.  Emotionally it is accually harder than before.  My dad wantd me to be greatful i was eating good unlike before.   I am gratful for that but it doesnt mean the other stuff i deal with is easier or better.  I think he has his own fears about this stuff and that hard to handle at times.  I wanted to go home and cry because ii was hoping for support from him,  He just didnt want to hear that things were not better than before. 

Comments

  • TeddyandBears_Mom
    TeddyandBears_Mom Member Posts: 1,811 Member
    #2
    Janaes,

    Janaes,

    It is very hard for our loved ones to know what to say and how to support us sometimes.

    While much progress has been made to help with the side effects over the last 20 years, the truth is they are still pumping chemicals into our bodies that hurt our good cells which causes all kinds of issues for us. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this but please know it is temporary. That bone and joint pain is the pits! I never got super dizzy with chemo but I did get light headed and still do once in a while. Mine could be related to my hot flashes at this stage.

    The fact that your Dad is with you and doing things for you says a lot about his love and support. He just may not be capable of the emotional understanding that you need. I'm glad you reached out and please know we are all here for you. We do understand. Something that only those that have walked the path really can say.

    Take care Janaes.

    Love and Hugs,

    Cindi

  • MAbound
    MAbound Member Posts: 1,168 Member
    edited July 2016 #3
    Hug from me

    I'm so sorry you are not getting the support from your dad that you were hoping for. That daily face-to-face support would probably go a long way towards helping you get through treatment a second time. Clearly, your dad is having a hard time facing this a 2nd time, too. We'll be  here for you to do what we can so you'll hopefully feel you're not so alone.  

    The only advice I can think of at this time is the same I've always gave my kids when things were rough for them with friends in  school...don't put your happiness in the hands of others.  You can choose to feel sorry for yourself or choose to work at finding what makes you happy and then working to achieve that independent of what  anybody does or doesn't do for you.  It's not what they ever wanted to hear from me because it wasn't a quick or easy solution for them, but it helped them to have more control over their lives and not get taken in by toxic friends. Focus on taking care of yourself and let as much of other things go as you can till you're feeling better. Don't hold yourself to carrying on with everything everybody else is used to you doing until it's your choice to do those things.

    The big C monster tests us, and I think we all learn how much stronger we are than we ever thought we could be. Hang in there and keep the updates coming. We're here for you.

     

     

  • janaes
    janaes Member Posts: 799 Member
    #4
    Cindi, Im still trying to

    Cindi, Im still trying to figur out where my dizzyness came from.  I thought it was from the claritin i took to get rid of the bone pain i got during chemo #1.  I dont remember getting dizzy for chemo #1 so when i took i took claritin for chemo # 2 it got rid of the bone pain (not myjoint pain in my legs,  I think that is aside effect of chemo not the nuelasta shot) but i felt dizzy.  The dizzyiness lasted longer than i thought so i decided it mightnot b the claritin,  Im wondering if it is due to hot flashes  to.  this tuesday i am going to not take the claritin and see what happens.  If my dissiness is from the clarintin i would rather have the bone pain than dizziness.  I guess i will see what happens.

    MAbound.  I often tell my kids to not let other destroy your happiness either.  Maybe i need to listen to what i tell my kids.

    Thanks guys

  • beccabtown
    beccabtown Member Posts: 234
    edited July 2016 #5
    I'm sorry your dad wasn't

    I'm sorry your dad wasn't able to give you the support you needed at that time. I hope he'll be more responsive the next time.

  • Double Whammy
    Double Whammy Member Posts: 2,832 Member
    #6
    In his way, I think

    he WAS trying to be supportive, in a cheerleader sort of way.  Bottom line is unless you're part of the "team" no one gets it.  Many of our support systems want to support us by convincing us that things are better now, and that we will be fine.  Six years later I believe that, but six years ago that was NOT the support I wanted to hear.  I wanted someone to understand that I was sick and scared to death and treatments we ok, but far from easy (I had chemo for breast cancer, my endo cancer was early stage, low grade, but I had 2 cancers at the same time and it scared me to death).  I've said before that as a result I have some relationships that have really changed because of hurt feelings on my part, but I forgive them, just will never forget.  I do not appreciate being told how to feel.  Sorry you did not get what you needed from your dad.  You probably won't.  At least he wanted to talk about it - on his terms.   I hope your treatments are successful and without too many side effects. Having a second cancer must be difficult knowing what you know.   Keep loving your dad - it does sound like he wants to be there for you.  I bet if you specifically ask him to do X  (i.e., take out the garbage because you're too weak, get a new tire on your car, pick up a prescription - you know man things) he would be more than willing and happy to help make something better for you.  Men (specifically fathers) just want to fix things.  Best wishes to you.  Remember, we "get it". 

    Suzanne

  • janaes
    janaes Member Posts: 799 Member
    #7
    Thanks suzanne.  Thats

    Thanks suzanne.  Thats exactly how i feel.  It hurts when people tell me what to do.  In fact that might be the hardest when it comes to the support people give.  Im really am glad this group is around to help.  I will be honest I have know idea how i got through cancer the fisrt time with out it. I really would not make it this time around with out you guys. My dad realy does alot.  Hes the one who takes me to my chemo apointments.  He goes and buys me luch while i am there.  It doesnt take away the hurt of what he says but im glad he takes me. He does much more than that too.  Im so glad for your honesty.  I accually told my mom to get out of my house one day when she wouldnt listen to me.  It took a few days but we seem to bounce back.  Thankfully

  • brissance
    brissance Member Posts: 192
    #8
    We forget that our families

    We forget that our families have to "deal" with the evil one as they hold our hand, and sometimes it is more devastating to watch and pray.  Went through this as a care giver for brother, mother and husband.  I still remember going to the shower to cry then wiping tears and pretending life was normal.  Maybe that wasn't the best method.  My being there should prove I loved and supported them.  Maybe I should have done more don't know.  

    With my cancer, my family chose to see this with but one outcome, complete recovery cure and return to business as usual, even with my new Heart condition.  They still have zip lining scheduled in Hawaii, for Hawaii I think I will make it.

    Some of the Dads of the last generation (and actually my husband) feels their duty is just to be strong and have the answers.  Your father doesn't have the answer so he may default to the strength.  Don't know you family dynamics but don't think he would be going out to dinner unless he cared and probably gallantly trying to hide a) he can't fix you or have the answers and b) he's afraid, and men are never afraid,

  • MAbound
    MAbound Member Posts: 1,168 Member
    #9
    brissance said:

    We forget that our families

    We forget that our families have to "deal" with the evil one as they hold our hand, and sometimes it is more devastating to watch and pray.  Went through this as a care giver for brother, mother and husband.  I still remember going to the shower to cry then wiping tears and pretending life was normal.  Maybe that wasn't the best method.  My being there should prove I loved and supported them.  Maybe I should have done more don't know.  

    With my cancer, my family chose to see this with but one outcome, complete recovery cure and return to business as usual, even with my new Heart condition.  They still have zip lining scheduled in Hawaii, for Hawaii I think I will make it.

    Some of the Dads of the last generation (and actually my husband) feels their duty is just to be strong and have the answers.  Your father doesn't have the answer so he may default to the strength.  Don't know you family dynamics but don't think he would be going out to dinner unless he cared and probably gallantly trying to hide a) he can't fix you or have the answers and b) he's afraid, and men are never afraid,

    Elegantly Put!

    I think you nailed it exactly!

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