daughter newly diagnosed breast cancer

MomMary
MomMary Member Posts: 2
in Caregivers #1

My adult daughter just found out she has breast cancer.  She will meet with the surgeon, oncologist & radiologist (all together) next week.  I felt she would want me with her as there will be much info at one meeting...& for support.  But no.  She wants to go alone & said she will bring a notebook.   She wanted to go alone for her biopsy last week, & did.  We have a good relationship & I want to be there for her.  

I feel she is in denial...& maybe now in shock as she just heard she has cancer.  Supposedly, a cancer type not to be too concerned about, according to her.  I feel it is a good idea to have another person with her, meeting with all three doctors, at the same time.  I presume there will be a lot of information to take in.   I was calm speaking with her.  She wanted to know why I wanted to go with her.  I said the aforementioned...another person to listen...to be with her...  Remaining calm, finally, I told her it was the responsible thing to do.  I suggested she think about it.  

Of course I am very upset.  I am an RN & anticipated she would be diagnosed with cancer after the biopsy.  I was prepared.  However, not prepared that she wants to go it alone for meeting with the surgeon, oncologist, radiologist.   What to do?  I need to let go & remain there with her with LOVE.  Any advice, suggestions would be appreciated.  Thank you.   ,

Comments

  • Noellesmom
    Noellesmom Member Posts: 1,859 Member
    #2
    Agree

    She is probably in shock but you have to back up and give her room.

    I'm.a caregiver but do believe I would be like your daughter and face it alone for as long as I could.

    Give her space and I'm sure she will call on you when she needs you.  You have raised a strong, fiercely independent young woman.  Give her time and space to deal with this monster.

    Hugs to you, Mom, but this is her battle, not yours.  You will be there but just in the background.

  • MomMary
    MomMary Member Posts: 2
    #3
    Noellesmom said:

    Agree

    She is probably in shock but you have to back up and give her room.

    I'm.a caregiver but do believe I would be like your daughter and face it alone for as long as I could.

    Give her space and I'm sure she will call on you when she needs you.  You have raised a strong, fiercely independent young woman.  Give her time and space to deal with this monster.

    Hugs to you, Mom, but this is her battle, not yours.  You will be there but just in the background.

    Thank You Noellesmom

    It is a shock to caregivers too...parents...mothers...   She is age 50 but always my "baby."  

    I so want to help, to care for her.  But I know what to do.  She wants her way now, her space, & I agree.  She knows I love her & would do anything for her.  At least knowing this gives her support.  And like you, I would want to do as much as I could , alone, for as long as I could.  Just is, I hope she is able to take all in the 3 doctors will give her in one setting.  Her first, in this "monster" journey.

    Now I have the tears.  Thankfully they are finally here. I needed the release.  Hugs.  

  • Noellesmom
    Noellesmom Member Posts: 1,859 Member
    #4
    All will be well

    I know this is hard.  One of my daughter's has MS.  Terrifying for me.

  • Teach76
    Teach76 Member Posts: 351 Member
    #5
    Adding input

    Hi, Mary 

         I was diagnosed with IDC breast cancer last June.  Unfortunately, both of my parents have passed on, so I did not have the choice of bringing my Mom to appointments.  I have a wonderful husband and 2 adult daughters who were always willing to go with me.  I had many offers from friends and relatives as well.

         Honestly, I wanted to go to appointments alone.  I can not exactly say why - was it a personal matter, my own fight, my way of taking control????? I allowed someone to come to most of my appointments because I felt they would be offended if I did not allow them to come.  I know their hearts were in the right place, and everything you say about having the extra pair of ears is logical, and very important.

         I just felt for you, but wanted to share the perspective of some one who has "been there, done that."  Perhaps you could try just going to the appointment and waiting in the waiting room.  Make a day of it and go to lunch afterwards.  I know I wanted to talk a lot about my discussions with the doctor, but I wanted to have those talks on my own time.

         I am sure that your daughter feels blessed by your support, but just take her lead on how much she wants to share for right now.  You may find as she progresses that she will welcome the chance to share her journey by taking you along.  While a cancer diagnosis affects all of our loved ones, it is still our beast to fight - and every little aspect of independence reminds us that we are in control.

       I wish both of you the best.

       Kathy

     

     

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