Grateful to be alive!
It's a beautiful day in Green Bay. The sun is shining and it's supposed to be in the 60s. I think our long winter is finally over about a month earlier than usual. I was outside with Spunky (my little Maltese) this morning and I realized how happy I am and then I felt guilty for feeling happy. Do other cancer survivors feel like this?
I found out yesterday that a friend of mine has Stage IV liver cancer. We're exactly the same age and so are our daughters who have been friends since they were three. When the girls were young, we did a lot together. She's been dealing with severe T2 diabetes and had to have her foot amputated last fall. Her daughter said her health is so precarious she is not a candidate for any kind of cancer treatment so there is nothing to do but make her comfortable.
I feel badly for her - weeks after her retirement at 62 her health declined dramatically with the diabetes and now this. Yet, today I am so happy. I spent all yesterday cleaning this house - even getting down on my hands and knees in the kitchen with the "magic eraser" to get every little particle of dirt (and I can sure feel it in my hips, shoulders and legs). I love a clean house!! Tomorrow we're taking a ride north to our lake house to see how it fared this winter which also makes me feel so happy. But then, I feel this sense of guilt or impending doom as if I'm afraid to feel happiness.
I've been through many years of therapy and cognitive therapy helped me the most. You stand back and objectively look at your thoughts and actions and then decide which are legitimate and which are not. You can't rewrite the past and you can't control the future; all you have is today and no matter what else is going on in the world, you can choose to be happy for today. That thinking has gotten me through a lot but today it's just not cutting it. I AM choosing to be happy; heck I don't even have to choose it - I'm just happy! But....there is that nagging guilt that creeps back. Why should I be happy when there is so much pain and suffering all around me?
I really think I need to go back to therapy because I'm coming to realize that, as we age, we're going to see a lot more pain, suffering and death all around us. I've seen many older people become bitter and angry as they age, yet, others are still enjoying life. What is their secret?
Love,
Eldri
Comments
-
Don't ever feel guilty about
Don't ever feel guilty about having happy content days. You certainly deserve many days like that. Enjoy all the day that you are given. I have many happy days and some guilty days. I think that is normal. I usually feel quilty sitting in the infusion room. Even though I have Stage4 high grade I still look pretty health and most do not see me as being very"sick" . While around me are people who are really a lot worse off than I am. I love to shop, but have had a hard time lately bacause of back pain and fatigue. I couldn't make it through a store without sitting down a few times. This wek my husband pushed me it a wheelchair. I had a wonderful time. Who would have thought.
I hope your prediction for an early spring will come true. Montana has been unseasonably warm also, but I don't want to get to excited. We have had some of our worst storms in April and snow in May.
Hugs and prayers, Lou Ann
0 -
Wonderful to hear you are
Wonderful to hear you are continuing to embrace 'happy' Eldri.
Stay happy because you are alive and not in a vegetative kind of way
Stay happy because your compassionate ways allows you to feel pained by the unfortunate situation others are in.
Stay happy because you did not cause their disaster by any of your actions
Stay happy because you would have prevented or reversed other's suffering if only it was in your control
Stay happy because you have been put on notice ,allowing you time to clean up life's cubby holes enabling you to start every new day with spanking clean thoughts and deeds.
Stay happy because your family wishes that for you so that they can embrace happiness themselves and not having their lives arrested wishing you'd find some happiness with every breath they take.
Stay happy because like 99% of us you are in your sixties and on life's last lap, we have no time to waste on pity parties and woe is me crap while' living ' slips by.Reality dictates that we 'get it'
Stay happy because as life unfolds daily no entity,no one on this earth or yonder promised to keep you safe from physical harm so when harm comes to roost and leaves you alive if only for a while you are still the lucky one as you are afforded time to grab a pen and paper and make that must do before time runs out list and start ticking them off , quick,quick,quick. You are alive and no doubt loved, girl ,don't give any apology to anyone for being happy.
Caution:The alternative is MISERY, if you choose that, people will unfriend you and family will unlove you,in a jiffy, that's a guarantee, no matter what they tell you before misery visits.No one wants to keep company with any body's misery.
Advice: When that debilitating feeling of impending doom crosses your path just make a uturn to the kitchen or a cafe and have a plate of happy food, it chases all thoughts of doom, what the hell!
Moli is hugging thee Eldri, Nuff love.
0 -
Eldridge, I loved your post!
Eldridge, I loved your post! Ah Spring I believe it might be my favorite season! Yes, I love your positive attitude! What else can we do?? A friend once commented to me that she liked my upbeat attitude as her sister-in-law who had cancer became so bitter and angry. I keep this in mind and hope that it won't happen to me. Enjoy every day we have
0 -
I am just starting out - not
I am just starting out - not knowing what to expect following the initial surgery in a little over three weeks. I'm scared and worried - BUT I DON'T WANT YOU TO FEEL GUILTY!!! I am made happier to know someone with this shi__y condition is happy today. FEEL it. LIVE it. BE it. Your happiness is making me happy. Your guilt does nothing for me!
0 -
What a great way to thinkBabyCoach said:I am just starting out - not
I am just starting out - not knowing what to expect following the initial surgery in a little over three weeks. I'm scared and worried - BUT I DON'T WANT YOU TO FEEL GUILTY!!! I am made happier to know someone with this shi__y condition is happy today. FEEL it. LIVE it. BE it. Your happiness is making me happy. Your guilt does nothing for me!
What a great way to think about this!! My happiness spreads happiness but my guilt does absolutely nothing except make me miserable. THANK YOU!!!!
Love,
Eldri
0 -
Jerri - You are so right! Igiggs100 said:Never feel guility about feeling HAPPY
Eldri those happy days don't come as frequently as they use to so please don't ever feel guilty. Enjoy them and wishing you many more to you and all of us.
Jerri
Jerri - You are so right! I love, love, love my happy days. And, they do not come as frequently as they used to. That isn't to say that I don't wake up happy and grateful every day, because I do. I'm talking about those days where a person just feels amazing and everything is wonderful. I'm hoping for more of those as my strength and endurance build. Just not there yet!
Eldri - there is absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. We are all given a journey. While we can be sad for others that have a more difficult time, and wish them to get through it... we still must be thankful for getting through our own. I lost a friend to pancreatic cancer last year. It was hard to see her deal with it and then see the loss her family had to deal with. And, for a short while.... I did feel guilty (and scared for myself) afterwards. But, I did come to the realization that our script is ours alone. And, decided to embrace life, face the challenges and do things that make me happy.
Here's to MANY very happy days to all of us!
Love and Hugs,
Cindi
0 -
Baby CoachTeddyandBears_Mom said:Jerri - You are so right! I
Jerri - You are so right! I love, love, love my happy days. And, they do not come as frequently as they used to. That isn't to say that I don't wake up happy and grateful every day, because I do. I'm talking about those days where a person just feels amazing and everything is wonderful. I'm hoping for more of those as my strength and endurance build. Just not there yet!
Eldri - there is absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. We are all given a journey. While we can be sad for others that have a more difficult time, and wish them to get through it... we still must be thankful for getting through our own. I lost a friend to pancreatic cancer last year. It was hard to see her deal with it and then see the loss her family had to deal with. And, for a short while.... I did feel guilty (and scared for myself) afterwards. But, I did come to the realization that our script is ours alone. And, decided to embrace life, face the challenges and do things that make me happy.
Here's to MANY very happy days to all of us!
Love and Hugs,
Cindi
How well said. You nailed it.
0
Discussion Boards
- All Discussion Boards
- 6 CSN Information
- 6 Welcome to CSN
- 121.6K Cancer specific
- 2.8K Anal Cancer
- 446 Bladder Cancer
- 308 Bone Cancers
- 1.6K Brain Cancer
- 28.5K Breast Cancer
- 395 Childhood Cancers
- 27.9K Colorectal Cancer
- 4.6K Esophageal Cancer
- 1.2K Gynecological Cancers (other than ovarian and uterine)
- 13K Head and Neck Cancer
- 6.3K Kidney Cancer
- 671 Leukemia
- 791 Liver Cancer
- 4.1K Lung Cancer
- 5.1K Lymphoma (Hodgkin and Non-Hodgkin)
- 234 Multiple Myeloma
- 7.1K Ovarian Cancer
- 56 Pancreatic Cancer
- 487 Peritoneal Cancer
- 5.4K Prostate Cancer
- 1.2K Rare and Other Cancers
- 534 Sarcoma
- 719 Skin Cancer
- 646 Stomach Cancer
- 190 Testicular Cancer
- 1.5K Thyroid Cancer
- 5.9K Uterine/Endometrial Cancer
- 6.3K Lifestyle Discussion Boards