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4 losses of family members to cancer in 10 months

hardo718's picture
hardo718
Posts: 853
Joined: Jan 2016

Freaking out!!  Trying to keep it together but I'm having a difficult time, I feel so emotional.  So many losses so close together & life keeps changing so fast.  My own bout was over 3 years ago now but recently lost one brother-in-law to leukemia, another to lung cancer, an uncle to oral cancer & now a sister-in-law to breast cancer.  She was just diagnosed a week ago!!  She was primary caregiver for another sister-in-law thats handicapped so although we are traveling back to Arkansas for services, we will be bringing this sister-in-law back with us to Illinois.  Our heads are spinning over how life feels so out of control.  Any advice?

Thanx,

Donna~

Jojo61's picture
Jojo61
Posts: 1310
Joined: Oct 2013

Donna, I am so sorry for all of this. I don't want to downplay this in any way, but it always seems to happen all at once. It is not easy to go through this when you are already hurting, and things continue to pile up on your hurt.

Almost 3 years ago, as my mom was dying of lung cancer, I noticed the lump on my belly. I told my sisters about it and they told me to get it checked out. My mom died, and that summer I was grieving, we were emptying my mother's place, then I had to go back to work (school). It was so busy in September and we were short a person in the office. As soon as we had someone else working in the office, I made a doctor's appointment....leading to the RCC. During that time our best man died from throat cancer.....we never told him about my diagnosis. My head was reeling. My heart was hurting. I know exactly how devestating it can be. The only advice I can offer is to give yourself the time to grieve, and surround yourself with the people you love. Being surrounded by love is the best healing power.

Cancer is a nasty, greedy monster....don't let it get the better of you.

Big hugs

Jojo

hardo718's picture
hardo718
Posts: 853
Joined: Jan 2016

I appreciate your kind words.  I guess it helps to know I'm not alone in this journey.  Sometimes life gets me down and I'm typically a pretty happy type of person.  In the face of adversity I try to put a positive spin on things but right now I'm just not feeling it.  My husband & I keep looking at each other and saying, what the heck??

These are some tough lessons.  I keep asking, what are we to learn from this? One foot in front of the other, we'll get thru this too.

Thanx again,

Donna~

Allochka's picture
Allochka
Posts: 865
Joined: Nov 2014

So sorry you are having hard times too. But my firm belief is that after these black times in life good times always come. Always! You are grieving and hurting now, and this is normal and understandable. Time will pass, you will feel better, and return to your positive self.

it is just a drazy and hard period in life, but it is not forever! I keep telling myself this right now too! We'll get through!

APny's picture
APny
Posts: 1938
Joined: Mar 2014

No advice just letting you know that you're in my thoughts. I'm so sorry you're going through this. No one should. It's just too much. Hugs.

foroughsh's picture
foroughsh
Posts: 775
Joined: Oct 2014

I was diagnosed 18 months ago as a stage II kidney cancer patient, had the surgery and nothing but follow up till now, but it still hurts, it's never the same, so I gues how difficult it could be to have all those tragedies within few months, I have no advise, but in my case, opening up to my husband and my best friend was very helpful, grivieng for my lost kidney, and health and sometimes crying was parts of healing process, focusing on those friends or releatives who were long time survivors helped me encourage myself. And doing something fun even at those times I was upset and depressed was a helpful sugestion of my therapist, walking with my hubby and keeping his hand, dancing, watching comic T.V showes or movies, reading successful stories of survivors,.... and having my close friends and realetives as close as I needed. I think we need to grieve for the loved ones that we loose but you haven't had enough time, it's not fair and not easy at all. God bless you, you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Forough

 

hardo718's picture
hardo718
Posts: 853
Joined: Jan 2016

I know I have some grieving to do, for sure, it's just not in my nature to sit down & have a good cry.  My coping skills suck & I'm the first to admit that. I'll keep plodding through & then go into a full blown anxiety attack.  I appreciate the feedback from everyone. We all have our crosses to bear I suppose, right now these days are feeling pretty bleak but I keep telling myself & my husband things will get better soon. So far I've been wrong, just as we start bouncing back from one loss, bam, there's another!   My husband tells me I'm such a Polly Anna. Eh, better to be a Polly Anna than a Negative Nancy, right?

See....I'm trying....but I feel sad.

Allochka's picture
Allochka
Posts: 865
Joined: Nov 2014

This is bad that you do not allow yourself to grieve. I was always the same personality, sure I'd cope ( and I was coping !) with everything. But my first miscarriage after years of infertility in 2011 proved me wrong. I was sure I was coping allright, being strong, but ended in hypochondria  (never had it before) and even short-time depression. We need time to grieve, to cry it out, to admit we need some support too, that we hurt, that we suffer...

Please take care of yourself too! You are not weak, you just hurt and need comfort!

Hugs!

Jan4you's picture
Jan4you
Posts: 1317
Joined: Oct 2013

Hardo, aka, Pollyanna, I feel for you. So I am validating your courage to face this vulnerable, very personal time with us. Know that this hard time brings our spirit and caring energy closer!

FEEL it, embrace it and let it begin to heal you.

But I wanted too to ask yourself this: what exactly iis it you are grieving?

(you don't have to share that, just be aware of it).

Yes people you love have crossed over. Yes, it happened quickly, out of our control

and that is difficult a challenge right there. As "grown ups" we are told to "be strong"

and hold it together, otherwise we're showing weakness. Gosh, I hope that is not your case too.

FEEL whatever you need to FEEL. Our emotions are neither right now wrong.

HOW we grieve is done differently too. There is no one correct way.

For those that has passed, they are fine. Happy and well. Try to picture them that way.

For those of us, left behind, in our human condition, maybe not soo good.

No matter how you are feeling, know WE're here for you on this journey as you adjust, learn

and accept this vulnerable time.

Come here anytime, to vent, ask questions, anything. I am always at my computer

so contact me too, if you care to.

Sending you healing hugs and kindness to surround you and help with the healing.

May you feel the presence of the spirits of those who have passed.

Warmly, Jan

hardo718's picture
hardo718
Posts: 853
Joined: Jan 2016

I guess part of it is that I feel like I can't complete the grieving process for one family member before another has passed!!  That's where my struggle lies as I think this through.  I feel like a raw nerve of emotions, everything from sadness over the loss to extreme anger sometimes over the suffering they went thru and everything in between.  I'm tired of the hospital visits, the doctor appointments, the bad news.  I'm tired of making another phone call to let loved ones know of another passing.  I want to laugh, celebrate life, enjoy life.  I guess I want the dark days to creep away.  I truly believe my loved ones are definitely in a better place, no more suffering & for that I am extremely thankful & my own belief is that someday we'll be reunited.  

Sorry to vent, but thank you all so much.

Donna~

Jan4you's picture
Jan4you
Posts: 1317
Joined: Oct 2013

Enuf!!

Sadly, grieving is part of the "human condition"...BUT as I read this last post of yours, Donna,

I couldn't help but FEEL your loved one surrounding you, wanting you to enJOY  YOUR life

as now they have all it takes to comfort and help you! Let them INSPIRE YOU NOW!

Jan

Jan4you's picture
Jan4you
Posts: 1317
Joined: Oct 2013

That should be plural: loved ONES!

Glad you thought to come here and ask for what you need.

Agree, overwhelming series of events too close to your heart.

Hugs, Jan

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