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Freenc
Posts: 24
Joined: Oct 2015

I just got home from the doctor. I went in for a CT scan for some pain in my "left" side. The results came back to say that a 4.5cm mass was found in my "right" kidney. I have an apppointment with the surgeon tomorrow morning but of course I am scared out of my mind. The dreaded "C" word was a gut punch from out of no where. According to the report I do not have any swollen lymph nodes or any vascular involvment. From what I have read these are all great things...but I still so raw I am focused on the negative. 

A question to the group...if the surgeon says that I can have a partial removal is it still best to get a complete....you know for safety sake? I do not want this to reoccur in the future. 

I apologize for rambling here. I am just so very scared. 

 

Thanks...Tom

 

APny's picture
APny
Posts: 1948
Joined: Mar 2014

Freenc, it has nothing to do with strength. It’s a terrifying thing to be told and it really does your head in. There probably isn’t a person on this board who wasn’t terrified when first told. I’m normally not fond of four letter words but when I was told I had kidney cancer the first words out of my mouth to the urologist were “Who the f—k gets kidney cancer?” I was in shock. I don’t think any of us will ever feel the way we did before being diagnosed but it does get better with time. Give yourself a chance to digest this and it’s ok to cry and be terrified. I really think once you have the surgery and it’s out you’ll feel a lot better. Hang in there!

Freenc
Posts: 24
Joined: Oct 2015

As soon as I get this thing out of me I will begin to calm down....I.hope. I guess it is the fear of recurrence that is getting me now. I am not even worried about the surgery. Except that I hate anesthesia. 

Tom

 

 

Footstomper's picture
Footstomper
Posts: 1238
Joined: Dec 2014

You arrive at the hospital. Then you go to sleep. You wake up a bit woozy, but being looked after. After a little while you will go home and your tummy will hurt a bit. You may have a splendid wound - I do. It may take a few weeks to get up to speed afterwards. Dont worry your doctor will be monitoring your progress.

You will wonder what on earth you were worrying about beforehand. I promise you, you will be OK in the hands of experts and angels with a vocation.

tkmj914's picture
tkmj914
Posts: 43
Joined: Jul 2015

Tom,

you WILL feel so much better after its out! That is when you can breathe again. I am such an anxious person in general so you can imagine the sheer terror with this DX. Get some xanax or Valium, it's not forever but it will help you to get through this. I so wish I could help you but i know I was a loony and nothing but meds helped. They allowed me to calm down enough to get perspective on things. We are very lucky that it was found early and most likely won't ever come back. Peace to you.

Melanie

Freenc
Posts: 24
Joined: Oct 2015

I am so grateful to all of you. I am still so scared, I am afraid that it will come back,  I am afraid that I will never have the piece of mind longer I did a week ago, I am afraid of everything now. 

I am on xanax but I think I need more help than the medicine can deliver. 

I want to find joy in life again. I feel like it is lost forever. 

Is this normal?

Footstomper's picture
Footstomper
Posts: 1238
Joined: Dec 2014

Take your worries to your doctor. You are not alone. The doctor will listen to your concerns and help you out. We are all scared and they will be used to cancer patients who are worried and scared.Maybe they recommend a therapist you can talk to.

Perhaps you have used a therapist before? It might help to have a chat again.

I admire your openess in admitting your fears. We all have them.

You will find joy again. Everyday feels like forever when you're this scared and the C word knocks us all sideways. You will regain equalibrium.

And yes you are normal. This is a normal reaction.

We all feel for you because we have all been through it ourselves. You have a world of people supporting you and wishing you well.

You'll be fine.

tkmj914's picture
tkmj914
Posts: 43
Joined: Jul 2015

You are totally normal!! As soon as this surgery is over you will start to feel better, then when your first scan comes back fine you will be even better. This is not going to be your new way of life, this panic is not your forever and you will be ok. at times I thought " how can I live through this?" My anxiety was so bad I would wake up gasping for breath with a feeling of doom like I had never felt in my life but every day got better for me and I now have mostly peaceful, grateful, and happy days! It's only been four months and I am so close to back to normal and have been for a while! You're gonna get through this!!

Melanie

mrou50
Posts: 389
Joined: Mar 2013

Tom no one can tell you what tomorrow holds for you.  You need to live your life as if you have 60 years left enjoy all of the time.  Yes cancer is an ugly word but you caught yours early and the odds are in your favor.  Trust your doctors but always get a second opinion, and tell your family you love them everyday.  

 

Mark

Jojo61's picture
Jojo61
Posts: 1310
Joined: Oct 2013

I am very glad you found this forum. Please be aware that everyone reacts differently when receiving this news - there is no normal!! Laughing

You have some valid questions and concerns. May I suggest either consulting with your family doctor, for some reassurance? (or your specialist if they are available). I believe it is very important to go into your surgery feeling as calm and confident as possible.

We all worry about reoccurence to some degree....but remember this....worrying will not change the outcome - it will only deplete your energy and sense of well being.

Hang in there, hon. You will be okay.

Hugs

Jojo

icemantoo's picture
icemantoo
Posts: 3221
Joined: Jan 2010

Tom,

 

All of your feelings bring back the good old days when I was diagnosed. Your feelings are pretty normal. Things will get better. Before you know it you will be laughing about this and how you beat Cancer. Yes you are scheduled to beat Cancer. I need you to stick around to help the newbies 13 years from now as at 72 I may check out before another 13 years go by. My doctors have assured me that my checkout will be from something other than RCC.

 

 

Icemantoo

Freenc
Posts: 24
Joined: Oct 2015

He says that they will take the kidney and this will be the end of it. He said that they would grade it but in his experience he is not expecting any mets.....ever. He said the mass is very well contained and the surgery will be a breeze. Again the only concern that he has is my mental state which is still bad.

So that is all excellent news but I still feel broken. It is time for professional mental help now.

 

Tom

Footstomper's picture
Footstomper
Posts: 1238
Joined: Dec 2014

The first of many I'm sure. 

Freenc
Posts: 24
Joined: Oct 2015

Just yesterday the doc said that he would take the kidney, the cancer would be gone and due to it being stage 1 he does not think this will ever come back. Heck this could still be benign but I am obsessing on the 5 percent chance this could come back.

What is wrong with me. I cannot focus on the 95 percent cure. I am a broken doll. I just want to see the positive and believe in it.

What do I do to fix this?

 

Tom

icemantoo's picture
icemantoo
Posts: 3221
Joined: Jan 2010

Tom,

 

As I understad the statistics they are 5 year survival rates and the chances of us dying in the next 5 year from something other than Kidney Cancer approaches 5% or more anyway depending on your age. As I said before I as well as others did not take this well in the beginning. Absent something which is not currently in the cards, things will get better. Just give them a chance,

 

 

Icemantoo

APny's picture
APny
Posts: 1948
Joined: Mar 2014

There's nothing wrong with you. Give yourself a break and stop beating yourself up for being scared, anxious, and apprehensive. You're allowed. After all, you were told you have cancer. It's not the end of the world, and thank god it's just stage1 and your prognosis is excellent, but it's still not like being told you have the flu either. So be kind to yourself and give yourself a chance to process this. It's ok to be scared. It's ok to be angry. It's ok to be apprehensive and worried about the future. It's not ok to blame yourself for feeling this way and to expect yourself to just blow this off like it was nothing. It's a big thing that comes with a lot of psychological as well as physical costs. Time will help. Surgery behind you will help. But beating yourself up for feeling this way is not going to help. We can't help our emotions and all the rational thinking in the world are not going to make your fears "poof" disappear magically. Only time will. And being told your scans are clear in the future. Just hang in there. Hugs xo

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