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Family's reaction

EZLiving66's picture
EZLiving66
Posts: 1479
Joined: Oct 2015

I know some of you haven't told your children about your diagnosis but I'm wondering how the rest of you are dealing with your family's reaction.  

At first I didn't tell my husband because I didn't want him to worry in case this turned out to be nothing but when I had to have the hysterectomy it was pretty hard to hide.  I had him come with me for my initial consultation with my gyno/oncologist but was by myself when my doctor told me it was much more serious than what he had initially thought.  I wish my husband had been there with me because I could have used a second set of ears and the emotional support.  I met him on a blind date when I was 16 and he is the love of my life.....but, sometimes he drives me crazy.  He is very overprotective.  Right now he is sterilizing our house in Green Bay and just got back yesterday from doing the same to our house in northern Wisconsin.  He wants to make sure I don't get any infection after my port installation and chemo.  I know it's a way for him to take care of me, but.... between his vacuuming, bleaching the towels, dishes and all hard surfaces AND even cleaning the furnace this morning, I'm ready to scream!!!

We have four children - 43, 41, 23 and 22.  No one in the family has any contact with our oldest daughter.  She has severe OCD and agoraphobia.  She doesn't have a phone, will not answer her door or leave her house unless her husband is with her.  He handles the outside world for her.  Obviously she doesn't know anything about this.  

Our next daughter, 41, is the one who had thyroid cancer when she was 19 and who deals with its reoccurance.  She's been married three times and has three children.  She lives about an hour and a half away but lives on a hobby farm and is tied to her animals.  She's the total opposite of her older sister and is very outgoing.  She knows what's going on but every phone conversation ends up with her crying and me trying to comfort HER.  

Our third child is our only boy.  He just graduated from college in May.  We adopted him when he was nine and in second grade with our youngest child.  They told us he had fetal alcohol syndrome, learning disabilities since he couldn't read or write and behaviorial issues ("They" were wrong!  We've never had a minute of trouble with him; he played three sports in high school and was in the National Honor Society; played two sports in college and graduated magna *** laude). He has been the joy of our life!  He is taking over our business and right before I got this diagnosis, bought our house in Green Bay so we could retire.  He doesn't say much, but when we told him, he cried.  I've also noticed he's a lot more affectionate toward me.  

Our fourth child is a senior in college about three hours away who will graduate in December.  By blood, she is our granddaughter, but we legally adopted her.  She is our oldest daughter's only child.  As our oldest daughter fell deeper and deeper into the world she lives in, our then-granddaughter bore the brunt of it.  When she was legally an adult she asked us to adopt her which we gladly did.  I have pretty much lied to her about my cancer!!  Her last year of college should be a fun time, getting ready to move into the real world - not worrying about her "mother" and her cancer treatment.  She knows I had the hysterectomy but I've told her very little and minimized the treatment.  She's had a rough life and is finally able to enjoy her life - I don't want to ruin that.

I'm very close to my only sister who is 14 years younger than me, but a week after my diagnosis, she and her husband moved to China for her work.  She works for Johnson & Johnson and is a scientist.  I was "Facetiming" with her this morning and she looks at "this" in a very clinical way, giving me survival rates.  I know this is how she has dealt with my diagnosis, but sometimes, talking to her, makes me feel worse!

My husband told our son he can no longer have his friends over to our house because they might bring in "germs."  That is crazy!!  Our house is so big I wouldn't even have to see them.  I love having his friends here!!  He has a sweet girlfriend with a wonderful family.  I WANT those people around me!!  

How have you all dealt with well-meaning relatives???

Take care,

Eldri

janh_in_ontario
Posts: 125
Joined: Sep 2010

I think you need to tell all your family - including your youngest daughter - the truth. I tried to hide some of the details from our son and eventually it all came out and he was very upset that I hadn't told him everything.

You will need their support and understanding in the days ahead. If you don't want them to worry - tell them the truth and let them bear your burden. Your hubby is doing what he thinks is best for you - and God bless him for that - but maybe you can meet in the middle and ask for no visitors if you get weakened and need that level of protection.

Put yourself first for a while so you can concentrate on kicking this disease - you won't have the energy to keep your story straight if you start hiding or lying to protect those you love.

 

Just my humble opinion.  in peace and caring,

 

Jan

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

AWK
Posts: 364
Joined: Mar 2013

Initially we did take some time to digest the news and my husband and I had some long talks about how we were going to approach this.  We had to be on the same page - at least in some areas.  Your husband is scared and probably trying to control what he thinks we can.  Mine was that way initially until we had a hard conversation about my needs versus his.  My doctor helped too, I would ask about certain things and the doctor would answer them in a way that made my husband more comfortable.  In terms of helpful well intended relatives (lol) and friends I pretty much told them I wasn't interested in statistics and my doctors agree not to focus on them as we are a statistic of one.  I also let them know I have full confidence in my team and appreciate their caring but wouldn't be making any changes.  I invited them to ask me questions or my husband and asked them to check out the NIH website for the Znational Cancer Institute for information.  Diet tips went in one ear and out another.

it was tough with the kids and my mother.  We still haven't given mom detailed progress reports, just solid information when we know something.  I realized we had to let the kids know because in our case, a blended family, they needed to be a part of this.  My parents tried to spare my brothers and me when my dad was diagnosed with gioblastoma and we missed some opportunities to help, participate and even share with him.  Your eldest sounds like that wouldn't work but maybe for the rest of them.  Only you would know. 

Sending hugs and prayers.  Anne

ConnieSW
Posts: 1576
Joined: Jun 2012

Awfully good to hear from you.

janh_in_ontario
Posts: 125
Joined: Sep 2010

Thank you! I am usually around - lurking. I am celebrating 5 years NED this week. Hard to believe! Finding this forum was a huge help to me on my journey.

Hope you are doing ok.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Annabella Rose's picture
Annabella Rose
Posts: 59
Joined: Jan 2015

So Happy for your 5 year ned! God Bless you with a lifetime of NED!

NoTimeForCancer's picture
NoTimeForCancer
Posts: 2911
Joined: Mar 2013

Eldri, I am sure your husband doing all the cleaning and such can be frustrating for you, but I really do believe he wants to do SOMETHING!  He clearly adores you and must be terrified himself.  I live alone and would have loved to have had someone who could have done that for me.  Having had a child with cancer, it had to be hard for you to see your daughter suffer in her treatment?  She really knows what it is all about and this is a very different journey for her. 

At some point I would suggest telling your daughter and sister you need their help, and crying or giving you survival statistics is not the help you need.  I can't remember who it was I was talking with back when I got sick.  I am very much a 'do for myself' type of person.  I knew I would need help and, at a time I could do nothing, was told I could give the gift of letting others do for me.  That is very hard to do and even harder to receive.   

Each of us is very much a STATISTIC OF ONE.  What works for some won't work for others.  People have other health issues that make us each unique.  

I will never forget the look on my mother's face when I told her.  She was terrified.  I was scared, and though I didn't know what to expect, I knew I could do it. It was the unknown for my entire family  

I thought I knew who I was before my cancer, but I can honestly say I learned a lot about myself on this journey.    

EZLiving66's picture
EZLiving66
Posts: 1479
Joined: Oct 2015

My whole life I have taken care of everything.  I was the oldest of five kids, my parents were alcoholics and I was the one who took care of them - especially my mother and my younger brothers and sister.  It's hard for me to ask for help from anyone.  Now THIS is happening and I'm not in control anymore.  

I will talk to our youngest daughter this week after my first chemo treatment.  I don't want to lie to her either - I just want her to be happy!

I found out last Friday that a friend of mine - a single mother in her mid 40s with a 10 year old daughter has breast and uterine cancer.  Her mother died of breast cancer at this age.  About six years ago, she had skin cancer, and now this!!  It made me feel like I'm really lucky - lucky my kids are grown, I have a great husband and I have a good chance of survival.

Take care, my friends!!!

Eldri

NoTimeForCancer's picture
NoTimeForCancer
Posts: 2911
Joined: Mar 2013

Eldri, maybe when you tell your daughter you can tell her how you want her to be happy!  In all this crazy thing called cancer, I think we have all experienced joy.  I can think of times when I completely forgot I had cancer and I think everyone did.  Hurrah!  It doesn't sound like you let cancer 'define' you.  I think we all are so much more than this disease.  

I am sorry to hear about your friend.  I pray every day for a cure to cancer.  They have done and found out so much over time, I hope they can help her again.  Life is precious. 

P.S. - hopes this doesn't double post.  I can't figure out why it keeps doing it other than this is a new computer and I must be trigger happy

NoTimeForCancer's picture
NoTimeForCancer
Posts: 2911
Joined: Mar 2013

Eldri, I am sure your husband doing all the cleaning and such can be frustrating for you, but I really do believe he wants to do SOMETHING!  He clearly adores you and must be terrified himself.  I live alone and would have loved to have had someone who could have done that for me.  Having had a child with cancer, it had to be hard for you to see your daughter suffer in her treatment?  She really knows what it is all about and this is a very different journey for her. 

At some point I would suggest telling your daughter and sister you need their help, and crying or giving you survival statistics is not the help you need.  I can't remember who it was I was talking with back when I got sick.  I am very much a 'do for myself' type of person.  I knew I would need help and, at a time I could do nothing, was told I could give the gift of letting others do for me.  That is very hard to do and even harder to receive.   

Each of us is very much a STATISTIC OF ONE.  What works for some won't work for others.  People have other health issues that make us each unique.  

I will never forget the look on my mother's face when I told her.  She was terrified.  I was scared, and though I didn't know what to expect, I knew I could do it. It was the unknown for my entire family  

I thought I knew who I was before my cancer, but I can honestly say I learned a lot about myself on this journey.    

Lou Ann M's picture
Lou Ann M
Posts: 996
Joined: Feb 2015

My husband knew from the beginning and has been by my side the whole time.  He is a worrier and also goes overboard at times.  I wish he would let me do more for myself at times, but he does take good care of me.

We have 4 children between 46-33 scattered across the country.  We did wait to tell them until we had all the details.  Those were the hardest phonecalls I have ever had to make.  They all took the news well and have been a great sorce of encouragement and support.  My yougest daughter was upset that I had told people at work before them.  I was teaching school at the time and got this diagnosis 2 weeks before school was to start.  I needed to fill them in on what was going on.

brothers and sisters were also hard calls, and we put off telling my mother-in -law, she was 92 at the time and we weren't sure she co understand.  A busy body told her.  

As hard as it is, tell your family as soon as you can.  They can be such support and you will need it.  Hugs and prayers, Lou Ann

Sandy3185's picture
Sandy3185
Posts: 228
Joined: Oct 2013

Eldri, this is a hard journey for you and for your family. There has been a lot of discussion lately about when to let your family know what is going on( see Molimoli threads from this past summer). I feel that your family needs to know. They will feel worse later on if they realize that you have withheld this knowledge from them. Life is full of both joy and pain and we need to share both with the people we love. 

I did tell all three of my daughters when I was diagnosed, although I only told them I had endometrial cancer at first. I did not want them rushing to the internet and seeing some of the old ( and awful!) statistics before they had come to terms with the fact that I had cancer. When I had my surgery they were there and the doctor was able to explain to them what he had done and exactly what type of cancer I had. He is very upbeat and they took their cue from him and have remained so.

I think this was very hard for them and even more so for my husband. He has always been my rock and felt so helpless in the face of something he could not do anything about. Liek your husband, he was overprotective and to this day worries more about my health than his own. My oldest daughter is married with two children and was going through some financial issues. My middle daughter has one daughter and was in the midst of a career change. My youngest daughter was pregnant with their first child and I was really hesitant about telling her. In short none of them were in a great place to hear about this but they all were able to be there for me and I for them. Looking back, I see where my illness motivated each of them to make changes for the better in their lives. My oldest and her husband made huge steps toward reversing their situation, my middle daughter took steps to advance her new career and even moved from our old home town to begin a new life here in central Florida. The youngest and her husband are thriving and she is now expecting her second child next month while her first daughter has everyone in the family under her thumb! Life moves on and we learn to handle what is put on our plate. We all have a greater respect for the time we have here on earth and have learned to embrace life and not to just let it just pass by.

None of us wants to bring pain and worry into our loved one's lives but, if we put ourselves in their place, we would not want to be excluded either. Imagine finding out that your daughter or son has been gravely ill and didn't tell you to protect you. How would you feel? Your children are all adults and deserve to be treated as such. I know this is a very personal situation and each of us needs to come to our own decision, but I do believe openness and honesty is, in the end, better for everyone.  Sandy

PS Let your husband know that you gain strength from having your son and his friends around. Yes, when you start chemo you are more vunerable but I know that just taking minor precautions I never got sick from outside influences ( colds etc) during chemo. The chemo made me sick, not anyone elses germs!

ConnieSW
Posts: 1576
Joined: Jun 2012

I knew if I waited, one of you would say it better than I could and Sandy surely did.  I agree with everything she said.  My mother kept health issues from me and I was devastated when I found out.  I felt like I was unneeded t and not really a member of my family anymore ( I lived quite a distance away).  It has been years ago and it hurts me to this day and I have lost a lot of trust.  

 

My husband, daughter, brother and friends have been rocks for me.  I'm a tough cookie and could have dealt on my own but isn't it wonderful I didn't have to.

NoTimeForCancer's picture
NoTimeForCancer
Posts: 2911
Joined: Mar 2013

Wow! Beautifully said, Sandy.  Thank you

TeddyandBears_Mom's picture
TeddyandBears_Mom
Posts: 1802
Joined: Jun 2015

Thanks for the response that says it all!   Wonderful insight. Thanks for sharing such personal feelings and discoveries.

EZLiving66's picture
EZLiving66
Posts: 1479
Joined: Oct 2015

I never thought of it that way.  I don't want to make our youngest feel left out at all!!!  I did text her tonight and told her I start chemo tomorrow and sent her a picture of my wig.  She seems to be handling it and is upbeat as I am about this treatment.  She is such a great kid.

I also talked (gently) to my husband.  I know how worried he is.  On the way home from the hospital tonight he told me how much he loved me and he couldn't imagine life without me.  He is not a verbal person and I just started to sob when he said that.  Then he said he felt terrible he made me cry.  I told him I was crying because I was so happy I had him to lean on.  We also agreed after the first chemo our son's girlfriend will be the only visitor but after that, it's back to normal....I want my happy, fun house back!!

You guys are the best!!

Take care,

Eldri

 

NoTimeForCancer's picture
NoTimeForCancer
Posts: 2911
Joined: Mar 2013

Wow, Eldri.  You have me crying myself.  So touching.  Thank you for sharing with us. 

txtrisha55's picture
txtrisha55
Posts: 696
Joined: Apr 2011

I could not of said it any better.  When I found out the first person I called was my sisiter and told her.  I held off telling my daughter till we got home that night and she put her son to bed.  I had lied to her earlier in the day and said everything was ok.  When I told her the truth that night she was very p issed off at me.  Oh well, what else was new.  I told her that I did not tell her at work, we work in the same building for the same company, because I did not want her to get upset at work and start crying all over the place.  It was on a Friday, I had an appointment with a Gyn Onc dr on Monday, they both went with me to the appointment.  Yes I had gone on line and looked up MMMT cancer and what I read was way upseting with only a 50% chance of survival....but I am not one to look at the bad side of things.  I pulled myslef up and told myself to put my big girl panties on and deal with this head on and I never looked back.  I sent message out to all my co-workers to let them know what was going on and to send up their good thoughts to the greater power they belived in and prayers to God to help me and my family through this journey.  They did and we all survivied.  My daughter was my caretaker in the hospital for the week I was there and stayed home a week from work once I went home.  She went to all Chemo treatments.  My sister and daughter both still go to all my dr appointments 4 years later.  My best friend came to the hospital for surgery, stayed a night with me and went to a couple of chemo treatments. She has stated many times if she ever gets a female cancner she is going to my dr because she likes her.

I too worried about getting sick from germs but I never did.  I went out in public and worked during the chemo so I just had a good system or did not catch any germs form anyone.  It is an individual decision to tell your family and friends but they can be there for you.  Best of luck to you and your family in this journey.  Take care...trish

molimoli
Posts: 514
Joined: Aug 2014

A testiment /confirmation that people sees the same things and situations out of different eyes, forms points of view and makes decisions accordingly. I am probably the only one on this board that has not told anyone except my girlfriend (also dealing with cancer,breast)and her son about my cancer journey. He had to be told because his mother doesn't drive so he had to take her to the hospital when I had my surgery in April ( or May) of 2014 .We talk about  cancer when necessary but we both get on with living.She is a dedicated church going homebody, I am not very religious at all but believe in a Creator,for what I think prayer is worth I can do it at home or wherever I am.She thinks that God don't like me not telling the children or other close relatives whom I interact with everyday in some way,I respect her version of God as she percieves him to be, however,I cannot accept that with all that is happening in the world that God is going to make my none disclosure his business.I tell her if that is the case then I respectfully accuse him of not prioritizing things on his todo list.She drops the subject immediately, ( probably fearing lightening strike meant for me getting her too) it works everytime. so now she has given up on convincing me to tell , I go on loving and appreciating her as my best friend and secret keeper,She goes on loving me as her best friend and rock.We've agreed to disagree and the subject is laid to rest.

I have said all of that to say this: I appreciate all your feed back on the subject,however I will not arrest my children's lives with this cancer that they can do nothing about, They are not doctors or even councillors.They will probably be held hostage to cancer for years before my body can't take anymore then I will pass and new intensified pain will emerge for them.I will do Cancer and its trappings my way,  My family will be told on a need to know basis, and there is no need now, I already feel loved ,I am not wanting to solicit pity at my children's expense,( not suggesting anyone is.) I am now still physically fit ,up and about doing too much, able to do what I want to do whenever and so are my children ,we have finally risen from the dust thanks to my cancer diagnosis ,I have been put on notice that life is for living and may be closer to the end than not. I am grateful for the possible eviction notice so that I can love harder ,live faster, laugh louder. I spent 4years without a minute of laughter, my kids and I found our way back to life and I am to punctuate it with a cancer diagnosis that thankfully gives me time to catch up? A resounding no.

Re: lies , If you don't tell something it's a non-disclosure. not a brimstone and fire lie. If you are asked and you deny or tell it with a twist then it's a' mind your own business' kind of white  lie, no brimstone yet though,  If you fabricate some story to harm someone ,thats the brimstone and fire kind of thing, I got it down 'pat' guys leave me alone ( don't really  do that or I shall really die, I want all of you ,notice I didn't say need, ,I dread pity, lol.)with this come pity me crap, I know my family they will thank me, I know when to involve them. In any case a car could knock my behind down and kill me any day,wouldn't they be late for a pity party? They would cope, unfortunately they are practiced.

Incidentally many of the ladies whom I have met at the cancer center have told their children and regrets it for many different reasons.I  have nursed patients who should not have told their children anything even at the moment of death. I have seen it all .

On this subject, chemotherapy and radiation  you guys already know where I stand.I have posted in details with valid reasons.Love you all ,Plenty hugs. Moli.

Abbycat2's picture
Abbycat2
Posts: 644
Joined: Feb 2014

 

that I had uterine cancer and would be going through surgery and chemotherapy.  It never occurred to me to try to hide this from loved ones or staff at work.  After all, I needed to take time office from work.   I can remember as a young woman how my parents would hide significant events from us, such as my mother's heart attack and subsequent surgery or my father's prostate and urinary bladder cancers.  Quite frankly, I felt both hurt and angry about not being informed. Betrayed, perhaps captures how I felt. I was an adult when my parents had these health issues; not a child with child-like coping skills who needed "protection" from the realities of life.  Cancer, especially an advanced grade three cancer, is a BIG deal and possibly terminal.  I couldn't imagine hiding such a significant experience in my life without my loved ones knowing what was going on. It is not only important to me to receive their support but it is also important to them to give it to me, as loving people often do. 

Now, having said all this, I should add that I both understand and respect a woman's decision not tell loved ones about her cancer.  It is her life, afterall, and she ought to live it as she sees fit. 

Warm Wishes,

Cathy 

SettledSue's picture
SettledSue
Posts: 55
Joined: May 2012

Moli, would you want to know if any of your children had cancer?

 

Sue

molimoli
Posts: 514
Joined: Aug 2014

Hi Sue,Good question ,I don't remember it being asked before.

Answer : Of Course I Would,   reason being that:

There would be decisions that I would have to make for or with them

I am responsible for them, not the other way around at all.

I am responsible to temper their well being  against my wants

I am responsible to know their current life plans so that I can assess,delay or eliminate hinderances if at all in my powers.

I am responsible to do all I can to let their lives be about them without arresting them with mine

I am responsible to not be a load they carry, until they must.

I am responsible to be the soft place they fall, yet know that  I can switch places with them when I absolutely must.

I am responsible to know my children, know that after the storm, they will thank me for the delayed interrupted lives.

I promise you all they will know long before I am dead, then again it depends on your idea of what's long.Woe is me Lord!! Can't win.

 Thats's my short answer, It could be shorter like a yes or a no but that's not my way.LOL. Nuff love

Thanks Sue. Shower's of blessings and sustained NED to all.  Moli.

Lily_Anne
Posts: 39
Joined: Aug 2015

A very interesting post, it sounds as if you are such a lovely person. Families are such hard work sometimes.  When I was diagnosed in 2012 I told my son then almost 27 and my daughter almost 13, they were really shocked, I took them both out to dinner and we talked about what was next, this was before I had my hysterectomy.  However since then my relationship with my daughter has changed. After three years clear, I have had to tell them that it's back.  My son has since moved nearer to me, with my two young granddaughters, but took an overdose in July and is quite depressed, he is however taking this quite well.  My daughter, who lives with her Father my second husband, has completely removed herself from the situation. I would like to think this is her way of coping, but struggling with the fact that she is being a teenage alien.

I tried to explain what was happening and she told me to get over myself. I've been told that she is fed up with everything being about me and my cancer, and she doesn't want to see me before my operation as it will interfere with her social life.  To be honest she has been unbelievably rude, supported by my ex. She will be 17 tomorrow.  My other son passed away at 18, unexpectedly, from a chest infection, so there has been a lot of bad news, as my parents passed away not long after. I despair right now. 

I guess as a parent I want to share what is happening so they are prepared for the journey ahead, however long that may be, especially as they have seen this before with me. If it were my Mum  would want to know. Telling people is the hardest thing.

LA

AWK
Posts: 364
Joined: Mar 2013

You certainly are carrying a heavy load.  And people handle  this all in ways that I know I couldn't predict - good or bad.  Even in the best of times teenaged girls aren't easy or rational.  I can't tell you how many times I wanted to apologize to my mother after going through it with our girls.  You did the right thing in telling them.  I am bummed for you but hopeful that things will turn around there in bits and pieces.  In the meantime you have us to vent to.  

Be gentle with yourself,  Anne

Lou Ann M's picture
Lou Ann M
Posts: 996
Joined: Feb 2015

you are certainly on a rough road, and my heart goes out to you.  i will say that teenagers, especially girls can have quite the attitude,  I know I was awful to my poor mother who was raising 3 kids by herself,  I wish I had told her how sorry I was.  My oldest daughter was just a bear and she has said often lately how sorry she was for how she acted ( she had teenagers at the time)

We got the other side of when to tell your family last night when our youmgest daughter called to tell us that her husband had been diagnosed with luekemia and she can't get him to tell his 3 grown children.  She told im if he didn't tell them soon she was going to post on facebook to the 3 of them "Your dad has Luekemia and what do you want for Christmas?"

Hugs and prayers , Lou Ann

TeddyandBears_Mom's picture
TeddyandBears_Mom
Posts: 1802
Joined: Jun 2015

Lou Ann, sorry to hear about your son-in-law.  I pray that he gets through his treatments and comes out strong.

LA, many teenage girls seem to forget how to be human. I'm sorry she treated you that way. And, I have a feeling that perhaps her Dad has had some influence on her thought processes? The sad thing is that she will look back on this later and feel unbelievably bad. I didn't have kids of my own, but I raised one of my nieces. And, she was a handful. I actually kicked her out at age 17.  She is now 42 and we both survived her behavior.  I hope you have a circle of support surrounding you. And, please know you can always come back here to your warrior that thriver friends.

Love and hugs,

Cindi

NoTimeForCancer's picture
NoTimeForCancer
Posts: 2911
Joined: Mar 2013

Lily Anne, I am so sorry.  

ConnieSW
Posts: 1576
Joined: Jun 2012

I feel so bad for you.

EZLiving66's picture
EZLiving66
Posts: 1479
Joined: Oct 2015

This is such a sad situation.  I am so sorry they are treating you like that.  Having had both teenage girls and a boy, girls are much, much harder.  I remember one day when our second daughter was about 25 and pregnant with her first child.  We had been out for lunch and on the way home, she just started sobbing telling me how sorry she was for the way she treated us when she was a teenager.  Now that she was having her own child, she could really empathize with me and she hoped and prayed her daughter would never act like that.....luckily she has a wonderful 16 year old daughter who is coming to visit me today!!

Take care,

Eldri

 

molimoli
Posts: 514
Joined: Aug 2014

so very sorry to read your post and feel your pain, Your poor daughter is confused by her youth and the tutoring she is getting from the adults around her. Let her know your heart is open and you will wait,then put her on a to fix list, don't push too hard when all she wants is distance but find ways to let her know you have open arms to hug and ears willing to listen.   Cancer is a hard subject for young people ,as a matter of fact for most people.Even though it seem to you that she has given up on you it is clear from your voiced despair that you haven't given up on her,her stance is temporary and will change as maturity kicks in, stay hopeful.

Sorry about your son, I hope  he can be encouraged into a supportive mental health program if he hasn't yet found one.Depression is hard,

Is he taking it well or locking it away ? Try to get him to open up on his feelings and you the same. every one wants to be heard when pain is churning up the inside.Please remember the little girls are soaking in all of this sorrow so arrange for frequent time out form sorrow for all of you, anyway you see fit,  just do life one day at a time.

Re:''Journey ahead''  With young people be careful how long the Journey is less they lose interest in the destination. It happens all the time with young and old,it's the  "are we there yet " syndrome.

This disease leaves women looking perfectly healthy and functional for the most part,  therefore,( non visible) suffering women are seen as drama queens when death is nowhere in sight,as ' promised'  due in part to initial prognosis. I have seen families devastated when family members drop out of the  'wait ' wanting instead to take their lives back from the far reaching arms of cancer which robs the host and family members alike of life itself while still alive.Some families don't survive it.

Re  your deceased son , I dont have to imagine your pain my dear Lily -A  I lived it.It is pain that can't be spoken of ,there are no descriptive words to use, none whatsoever. Sorry about it all, your parents,your broken body and most of all your broken spirit, hope it mends soon and you get some peace of mind.

We are here to listen and brace you up againt this  whirl wind although with our own broken bodies.

 Renewed strength is what I wish for you today my sister . I will pm you tonight.  

 

 

 

 

 

LA123's picture
LA123
Posts: 41
Joined: Oct 2015

My husband and I had had a conversation last year where we agreed that if one of us was ever given a life changing diagnosis, we would never hold it back from each other. When I learned over the phone (yes, over the phone) about my biopsy results and UPSC cancer diagnosis, I remembered that conversation, and he was the first one to learn. We cried together, and it hurt me so much to see him sad, but I am glad I did it.  He has been a HUGE support. To my younger kids, I broke it gently, bit by bit, they seemed to take their cues from me, and since I pretty much kept a strong front, they were not too scared for me. My eldest daughter (living in Los Angeles, studying to be a chef) was a different story. I could not get myself to tell her, I know how fragile she is, has had a pretty rough last few years after ending a bad relationship, and absolutely needs her mom so much, we are best friends (not so much when she was a teenager, so there is hope Lily Anne! :0)  But I could not gather the strenght to tell her. I only, finally, made that dreaded call the night before my hysterectomy, I realized that, as with any operation, there was a risk of death, and she would not forgive me if she only found out that way. It was the HARDEST thing I have ever done in my life, she cried, I cried, we prayed together, and I asked her to be strong for me. I asked myself later, why was it that hard, to share the bad news with my eldest daughter? I think, when we are dealing with such a dreadful disease, it takes a lot of strength to keep going, emotionally we are at a fragile place too, and I did not have the strength to be strong for me and be strong for her. I knew when she found out, she would be in such distress, I would not only have to chanel my energy into keeping my faith, I would have to spend tons of emotional energy into reassuring her.  I am glad I told her, we faced this together as a family, she grew in her own faith, we grew even closer as mother and daughter, I modeled for her how to fight like a girl :0) I hope she never ever has to go through what I went through, but if she ever finds herself on the receiving end of those dreadful words, "you have cancer", I know she will be stronger as a result of sharing in her mother's journey . My experience with this cancer proved, thankfully, to this point, short lived, though there is always that dreaded "C" word floating in my subconcious, in my dreams, in everything I see and feel in my body. I dont think I will ever walk away from it, just learn to live fully in spite of those fears, depend on God, be gentler to myself, to my loved ones, to strangers, be thankful for the little things in life and for each day. Best wishes for health and happiness to all in this  war, I believe it is won each day we choose to not give in to fear.   

Sandy3185's picture
Sandy3185
Posts: 228
Joined: Oct 2013

La125, what a wonderful post! Thank you so much for sharing. Too often, in our efforts to protect our loved ones we end up causing them more pain down the road. Many times our first instinct is to protect our children by hiding the truth. Sharing with our families at the beginning of our journey is painful, but gives them time to adjust to the new world you and they are entering and to express their fears and love. Our children can give us so much support, love and encouragement, which helps us fight on but also helps them to find solace in knowing that they were here and fighting along side of us. Whether or not we are successful in this battle, our families will know that they were there for us and held us in their love. Finding out only when you are unable to hide your condition or at death's door will be much more devastating. Several of us have expressed feelings of anger and mistrust after having similar information hidden from them as children. Each of us must decide for ourselves when and what to disclose, but we do need to consider how our decisions will effect our love ones in the years ahead. Sandy

Sandy3185's picture
Sandy3185
Posts: 228
Joined: Oct 2013

I just noticed that there is going to be a teletalk at Moffitt Cancer Center in Tampa, Fl tommorow night from 7-7:30 Pm on just this subject. Here is the info

Tuesday Teletalk: 
November 3, 2015
7:00 - 7:30 PM 
 
Talking to your kids (at any age) about cancer
How to participate:

Dial:  1-800-206-6032 

Enter access code:  MOFFITT# (6633488#)

Presented by:  Mary Turney, Licensed Clinical Social Worker
EZLiving66's picture
EZLiving66
Posts: 1479
Joined: Oct 2015

Thank you, Sandy!!!

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