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Feeling Renewed.Feeling so alive and thankful.

molimoli
Posts: 514
Joined: Aug 2014

Despite this ever lurking alligator waiting in the marsh to pounce. Grateful that when I dared to really look my glass is still half full.

HELLO LADIES ! I returned from a wonderful vacation on Friday and played catch up some, with the missed posts. I am happy we are all still here (above ground) with yet another day to fight, despite the rough choppy waters some of you are experiencing. my 'wish I was a miracle worker'  thoughts will always be with you all as you reset your sails and keep the boat afloat.   I for one need a boat to start sailing into some kind of treatment. I am overwhelmed with  ' to do things' but will be notifying the  surgeon who promised to study my scans in my absence to map out surgery route that I am back so that I can prepare for the next chapter .I will update re : Dr's decision.

Physically speaking : I have experienced much heaviness in my pelvic area ,I can't take very long walks now without low level discomfort.My large tumors are very much staking their claim in my abdomen, I think even trying to form some kind of bond with my intestines (maybe mind over matter,but had some  slow evacuation without constipation)  and needs to be evicted .If I have to use a butcher they are going to be out of me.

I have had some fatigue but didn't let that get in the way of my  re-acquaintance  with my ' lost fabulous self ' vacation.I have never gone anywhere alone ( without family) since I was born. Oh what an awsome must do again thing.The world is full of beautiful people ,waiting to hear the word  "hello". I said and heard many, many hellos and watched beautiful smiles formed ,enjoyed much laughter, gave and received nuff, nuff hugs and I never entertained cancer or the crippling  thought of it  at all. No one was told,no one needed to know.We were all strangers at the same place at the same time with the only goal being a dance with life, I danced, My cup is half full.

Well , I left loving you guys and came back loving and appreciating you more, Nuff love and nuff nuff blessings in the form of remission.Thanks for keeping this my other world intact  and real.I'll need your wisdom and encouragement as I get back on board. Feel the hug. Moli. 

Editgrl's picture
Editgrl
Posts: 903
Joined: Jun 2015

and that your vacation was everything you hoped it would be. It sounds like your "found fabulous self" drank deep from your cup and danced without care.  What a wonderful gift to yourself! 

Now nourished and refreshed, set your course and prepare to sail.  We'll weather the storms, the waves, the sunny skies, all of it, with you.

Chris

molimoli
Posts: 514
Joined: Aug 2014

Was wonderful indeed Chris,Thanks for the reassurance ,nice to know my boat will have rowers. I am happy to see that you are weathering the chemo storm quite well, thanks to the creator.

Moli

Lou Ann M's picture
Lou Ann M
Posts: 996
Joined: Feb 2015

So happy you had a wonderful vacation prayers for,you while you make these difficult decisions.  Hugs and prayers, Lou Ann

Cucu me
Posts: 214
Joined: Apr 2015

Glad you had wonderful vacation.

I hope you will find good solution for the problem bugging you recently.

Cross my fngers.

Abbycat2's picture
Abbycat2
Posts: 644
Joined: Feb 2014

We missed you! I was hoping you had a great time on your vacation. Can I share a secret? Since my childhood, I have had a desire to just walk away and never be seen again by my friends or relatives. Crazy, huh? There is something that is both fundamentally exciting and deeply energizing to begin anew. To recreate a new me! When I worked for the State of Indiana, I often traveled throughout a 13 county area, including frequent trips to Indianapolis. What a fantastic little city! The Hoosiers among us know what I mean. I loved being anonymous at restaurants and hotels. I often think about doing a "road trip" by myself but I rarely have the opportunity. Life has become more complicated, I guess. Perhaps that's my fault!

molimoli
Posts: 514
Joined: Aug 2014

You are a girl of my own heart.Exciting and energizing was what it was for me. Please make the time to get lost periodically (not forever though, that's taking a good thing way too far, LOL ) and just people watch with no fameliar voices,no chores,no wake up time and no go to bed time.Just go with the different daily flow ,no day is exactly like the day before when you are adlibbing life itself.powerful can -do  feeling.I will be doing many more.

Amid the complications ,life should go on,just do it. you are NED go give thanks and reward your body and soul. My sister you will thank me upon your return.

I hope the childhood bug will bite again but remember forever is a long time ,is not necessary and we will miss you terribly. We'll opt. in and out but we are all staying as a team ,we need all the rowers on call. Nuff love Cathy. Moli.

molimoli
Posts: 514
Joined: Aug 2014

I did clear the ole head and found total peace of mind moving forward. showers of blessings is my wish for us today. Keep fingers crossed I need the positive vibe.

Nuff love , Moli

molimoli
Posts: 514
Joined: Aug 2014

I need the prayers in a bad way , and I feel the hugs.

Sorry to see  that you had some recent challenges, stay strong and hopeful ,thats all we can do. in turn I am hugging.Nuff Blessings. Moli.

AWK
Posts: 364
Joined: Mar 2013

You are spreading the zen around!  Thinking of you and sending prayers.  Anne

Abbycat2's picture
Abbycat2
Posts: 644
Joined: Feb 2014

to all you wonderful women fighting this disease.

Bless You,

Cathy 

molimoli
Posts: 514
Joined: Aug 2014

Thank you for the spirit booster Anne, I mean to be a positive spirit always, but knows that my negatives will be forgiven or overlooked on this board ,it's a wonderful feeling .Thanks for doing what you are doing for us and others to come,I applaud your bravery,I pray the creator will pay you back with showers of NED blessings. Moli Thanking you.

molimoli
Posts: 514
Joined: Aug 2014

Thank you for the spirit booster Anne, I mean to be a positive spirit always, but knows that my negatives will be forgiven or overlooked on this board ,it's a wonderful feeling .Thanks for doing what you are doing for us and others to come,I applaud your bravery,I pray the creator will pay you back with showers of NED blessings. Moli Thanking you.

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debrajo
Posts: 1095
Joined: Sep 2011

 

welcome home Moli!  I so love to read your posts!  I enjoy feeling what you see and feel through your words.  It does feel good to be  annomus  doesn't it!  No ones wife, mother, daughter, sister, no  exspections to conform to a mold!  So very glad you were re-newed, but even happier to have you back!  Best, Debra

molimoli
Posts: 514
Joined: Aug 2014

Nobody's anything, that was what I became and loved it ,It was very intoxicating I belonged to nobody and nobody belonged to me. I was calling to no one to behave themselves and no one was asking me when the darn dinner will be ready. I had total ownership of me.I was alone with me but was happy with the company I was keeping, me and me, I let other vacationers in but conversations were  by choice,

 Nice to know you enjoy my posts but it is because of you and the other ladies  that I am able to express myself feeling that I am with friends and has permission to be my raw uncut self.

I don't like what my body has become but I like the rekindled spirit that lives within my broken body.The challenge is to keep cancer from robbing me of myself. We must vow to not let that happen to any of us or the battle will be halfway lost. I am not agreeing to cancer defining me. Living now is what I am about what we all should be about.

As I am writing I just got a call from The Gyne surgeon's office  with an appointment for the 21st to discuss arrangement for surgery, perfect timing.I hope it's gonna be a go. I will update . Thanks Debra Nuff love. Moli

Lily_Anne
Posts: 39
Joined: Aug 2015

So pleased you had a good time. In the UK there is a trail running called desktop 3 which is surgery only to see if it is better than surgery and chemo. 

Welcome home

LA xx

Sandy3185's picture
Sandy3185
Posts: 228
Joined: Oct 2013

I'm not sure I understand your post. Can you explain?  Thanks, Sandy

TeddyandBears_Mom's picture
TeddyandBears_Mom
Posts: 1687
Joined: Jun 2015

So glad you had a great time and are ready to tackle the beast!

Can't wait to hear what the surgeon tells you.  I'm praying it is exactly what you want it to be for you.

I missed your input and am looking forward to many more posts from you.

Lots of love your way,

Cindi

ConnieSW
Posts: 1506
Joined: Jun 2012

I googled it and it says it's to determine if surgery and chemo are better for treating recurrent ovarian cancer than just chemo alone.

Lily_Anne
Posts: 39
Joined: Aug 2015

On the Target page it describes treatment for recurrence as being surgery along with chemo, as surgery isn't usually offered for recurrence unless it's deemed to be absolutely necessary. Desktop 111 looks at debulking and chemo. However when I requested more information they said desktop 111 includes treating stand alone tumours with surgery only and only introducing chemo if necessary. This would relate to the size of the tumour involved, how many and whether it was intrusive to avoid the debilitating effect of chemo if it's not needed.  I have to guess that is becuse once you have  a recurrence, like me, that it is not longer considered curative treatment.  Standard treatment for first diagnosis is usually hysterectomy, omentum, cervix and 6 cycles of carbo/taxol. So hit it hard. So surgery alone for recurrence is not usually explored. That's my understanding from the conversation I had. 

Has anyone had a HE4 test?

LA

molimoli
Posts: 514
Joined: Aug 2014

Hi Cindi, Thanks for the kind words,yes I intend to tackle this beast ,Just now got an appointment to talk surgery plans on the 21st. which is 5 days away,yea! I really  hope it's a go. I will update .

I see you are taking your treatment in stride and is very positive ,I applaud you my sister best wishes for a great outcome for all of you .

plenty love coming right back at you. Nuff Blessings, Moli. 

molimoli
Posts: 514
Joined: Aug 2014

 I checked in and read of your new challenge , very sorry ,hope you have regained your footing and ready to fight this sneaky ,lurking alligator. You will stay in my prayers,wishes and hopes. for prolonged NED.

I will make some time to search for info on desktop 3 ,thank you.

How are you doing in general ? please renew your courage and don't let the set back stand in your way of resolving to fight .We will be with you all the while in spirit. Stay strong.

Nuff love, Moli

 

HellieC's picture
HellieC
Posts: 524
Joined: Nov 2010

Welcome back!  You sound refreshed and ready to tackle anything.  I, too, have sometimes wished that I could disappear and reappear somewhere else without all the baggage of my current life!  To meet people who know nothing of my illness or history is always refreshing and interesting - like starting with a clean slate.

Whatever you decide for your future treatment, we are all here to support you on your road to recovery.

 

Kindest wishes
Helen xx

molimoli
Posts: 514
Joined: Aug 2014

Yes I am ready to play Whack-a mole. I recommend the disappearing act without hesitation.Must leave Cancer Home though. I sometimes have to make an effort to remember that I do have cancer.I am glad I have the ability to dismiss it  if only for a while. Hope you are doing ok ,you are on my best wishes list to stay.

Nuff love Moli

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daylady
Posts: 122
Joined: Dec 2014

So glad your trip went well.  Take good care of you! - Helen

molimoli
Posts: 514
Joined: Aug 2014

Iam now in a take care of me mode so I am back to making cancer decisions ,reluctantly but must.

Hope you both are doing ok,  I will not wait too long to give updates, this time, my plate is full but clearing.

Love you, Take care as I will.  Moli.

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txtrisha55
Posts: 686
Joined: Apr 2011

Glad you had a new and relaxing time on your vacation.  Sometimes it is nice to just get away from it all and not think about what lies ahead.  Taking a break and then come back with head clear to help make any decisions.  Glad you had a good time. Wishing you the best in the future. trish

Abbycat2's picture
Abbycat2
Posts: 644
Joined: Feb 2014

as you have been on my mind and in my prayers. Will you be having your surgery soon?  If so, when? Please give us an update, my friend.

Cathy xx

molimoli
Posts: 514
Joined: Aug 2014

Yes dear head is clear and in a fighting mood.Thanks for caring Take care and look out for me when I am stumbling,I am going to need all of you with steadying arms.

Hugs, Moli.

molimoli
Posts: 514
Joined: Aug 2014

Hi Ladies,I thank you all for the responses and  well- wishes,I hugged all of you while I read your posts  a few days back and wish that we were all in the same town,just encouraging and breaking each other's falls, laughing and when needs be crying together, a beautiful thought but we must settle for this  (mustn't lose ) long distance relationship that I/ we can't live without now, I found my self yearning to hear how every one is coping,In my head you have all become family members ( not the ones that one would want to eject from their blood line) I have long convinced myself that more caring people than you guys one couldn't find in church.I am lucky.

I am sorry for the delay in responding, I was waiting for some new news from the surgeon that I want to do my surgery, but to date none.he has ordered some new scans as he would like his own radiologist to read the scans ,he will only trust the report of the radiologist in his hospital ( no affiliation to my cancer center) although he had written  requesting all the reports from the various doctors involved in my care hoping to get a clear picture of of my condition , I appreciate that he is trying to not leave any stones unturned.

I really don't mind the slow-boating as I came back home having a lot on my plate.I must allow my daughter to leave for New York City before my private drama begins, she leaves on Saturday 17th. Today we  will go to a play and dinner then Sat. morning I will take her to the airport and pray,wish and hope that we see each other again ,she is the baby and my heart is breaking but  I mustn't break ,mustn't stand in her way. can't do it, wont do it.Her leaving allows me the privacy to do me.That's how I registered it in my head  to not feel terrible. I am ok with my decision, and expect to deal with any fall out as I deal with life itself ,one day at a time.

I am in the process of downsizing as well, in preparation for my duel with this Alligator.I am doing what I think will give me more time and energy to take frequent trips and really live. I have less energy than I am used to but I guess it's because 'me and alligator sharing my nutrients' AAAAHH !!!

To All Of You Ladies To Whom I Owe My Sanity

Those on active treatment --NED is my wish for you -braver than me for sure.

Those keeping company with depression _ please get help to crawl out from under,and find ' alive' again.

Those staying home worrying about mets. or progression--worry is a pill that causes rogue cells to 'giddy-up' get out and say hello to someone.

Those who are in remission and living every day to the fullest--datta-girl

Those who are  researching, sharing, subjecting self  to trials with all it's ups and down we are forever grateful

Those doing all of the above skip the worry and the depression it messes up the program. Prioritize.

I am hoping, loving and hugging you all, nuff love. will update. Moli.

 

 

 

molimoli
Posts: 514
Joined: Aug 2014

I am sorry  if I have missed replying to any one ,It was not intended, I am loving and hugging you all.  May the Creator give you all cause to rejoice with blessings in abundance,

Moli, Nuff nuff love

molimoli
Posts: 514
Joined: Aug 2014

Hi Ladies I have had my appointment with the surgeon, They may not be able to do the surgery without causing some damage to my colon, Therefore,  I must consult with an additional surgeon to see if he will be on board to repair and or perform a colostomy. now I am waiting to see him ,hope he calls soon with appointment.  I feel prepared, no stress ,no second thoughts ,surgery is what I want comes what may.

My oncologist  is now offering to skip taxol (and its ugly side effects)and offer me only carboplatin if I will scrap the idea of surgery.She said some people have had good shrinking  success with only carboplatin,. Could be a ploy to get me in a position to  later say ,"that didn't work so we must do the whole shebang" I gave it a thought briefly  but realize that there is no room in my head or life for shebang  now.

If no surgery can be done,and I feel as healthy as I do now  then there are lots of places  to see  and I will travel  and make memories until I run out of money , run out of energy or run out of life, whichever comes first It will find me  loving  life and me.

Hope you are all finding some peace of mind.I also hope that in any way you can, do life, do it simple, do it large, or do it loud whichever way you like just do it.  I am resolved.

In the surgeon's office I met an 18 year old girl with ovarian Cancer,stage 3, grade 3, brilliant beautiful and unfraid. I will never entertain  'afraid'  . I am 62 years old,my cup is half full and my race is still been run,

Nuff,nuff love and wishing ned to you all, my sisters.Thanks for the strength you show.

TeddyandBears_Mom's picture
TeddyandBears_Mom
Posts: 1687
Joined: Jun 2015

I debated on this reply.... I know you are resolved and committed in your decisions.  Just want to ask you this....

Would you consider having the surgery AND trying maybe one round of Carbo to see how you react to it?  It may be way easier than you think. And, it may be the combination to ensure you have success.  My thinking is if you try it, and it is a liveable impact, then you could consider doing the rest of the rounds of just Carbo. You won't lose your hair and can continue to hide it from your kids if that is your desire.

No need to reply back. Just felt like I needed to post this.

Love and Hugs,

Cindi

molimoli
Posts: 514
Joined: Aug 2014

My experience with Chemo through my life's work and family cancers tells my head that my life will be more livable without any form of Chemo or radiation with it's debilitating , dismal and sometimes downright dangerous baggages that it leaves behind. This is a personal decision and is not indicative of my rightness or someones wrongness.

Out of respect for everyone that is taking treatment I decline to further elaborate.

My decision to not take Chemo has nothing to do with my non-disclosure to my children,I made my Chemo decision 20 odd years ago and kept renewing it  as the years go by based on ongoing experiences with it.

I wish sustained NED for all of you sisters who are complying with your doctors orders, That's what we are all after regardless of the route we take.

Cindi I know you are suggesting out of concern and maybe fear for me ( I sensed the frustration) but I am not a follower at all, things must make absolute sense to me or I pass on them.

Showers of blessings and Plenty hugs. Don't worry I'll do ok . Moli

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debrajo
Posts: 1095
Joined: Sep 2011

Thanks for letting us all know.  I do not disagree with you at all.  Just wait for the other consulations to weigh in.  What if, just saying, that one dose of chemo would srink your cancer 50%.  The surgery would be so much less invasive.  I'm all for surgery, just get the darn thing out! But just imagine the dr.s doing a great job and you not needing a colostomy at all!  You can ALWAYS stop chemo, but you can't ALWAYS find a surgent that will do surgery.  One dose would probably tell the tale.  One carbo is a walk in the park over a colostomy.  They are not easy, they leak, bulge, get infected.  Please, Moli, just don't make up your mind quite so quickly, all of the fat ladies haven't sung yet!  Just imagine YEARS to travel, to live, laugh, love.  If it's not to be, well, we'll cross that bridge with you and I will chear you on!  Just...imagine

molimoli
Posts: 514
Joined: Aug 2014

but not hearing a lot of significant or sustained  shrinkage happening and especially without that wicked Taxol. My tumors are probably upwards of 10 cm now so they will laugh at carboplatin and punish me  by giddying up, then what?. I am hoping for good outcome from my consultation,so I will wait a while and see.Another problem is that they will not do surgery if you are taking chemo for recurrences. so it's one or the other. I'll keep you guys up to date as things unfolds. Is there any who have had the colostomy that is willing to give insite,i am hoping.

Thanks for your support as usual. Nuff love

HellieC's picture
HellieC
Posts: 524
Joined: Nov 2010

I think we can all empathise with the never ending consultations, the options, the possibles, etc etc.  But whatever you decide to do will be the right thing for you as long as your decision is made from a strong base of knowledge of the possible outcomes/implications. 

For me, it was a "no brainer".  I was told that chemo may shrink and "control" my cancer but it would not cure it.  Surgery was the only possible way of getting rid of the tumour for good.  It was a long shot (but the only shot) and sSo I went ahead with it knowing that I would wake up with a colostomy (the tumour had wrapped itself around a large portion of my bowel which we knew could not be saved and radiotherapy damage meant that the healthy ends could not be rejoined.)  That was 5 years ago.  The colostomy has been pretty manageable and hasn't stopped me doing anything I wanted to do - long distance travel, cruising etc etc.  OK, it does demand a little bit of forward planning, but only in order to make sure you have enough supplies.  I would never say "go ahead - get one - you'll never look back" but I would say that it really has not affected my life greatly - and of course, no one knows that I have it, unless I choose to tell them.

I tell you this, not to convince you to have surgery, but just to let you know that major surgery of this life changing type is do-able. So if it feels the right way forward for you, then please know that there are those of us out there who have travelled that particular bit of road already and can offer support.

With kindest wishes
Helen x

 

molimoli
Posts: 514
Joined: Aug 2014

The support and personal info lightened my load , I am grateful that you shared ,so kind of you. You are always at my rescue. I have had to show patients how to care for their bags over the years, but never see myself having one of my own , oh the twist and turns of life. It should  be easier that I had no radiation at all or Chemo  but I had a vaginal total hysto. so there must be scarring in there,  Oh it is what it is. Blessings in abundance dear. I will p/m you soon.

Moli

AWK
Posts: 364
Joined: Mar 2013

I find  peace in the knowledge that all of my treatments and plans are ultimately mine to make.  I know that none of us make these decisions lightly nor in a vacuum.  Recently there has been much discussion of giving me a nephrostomy bag due to a failing kidney.  I weighed the options and as long as my stent works will go with that.  Once it doesn't I have decided to let the kidney go, knowing my other kdney is fully functional.  People keep trying to change my mind but I am focused in my quality Of life.  I wouldn't be able to do many of the things I love and also have other issues to focus On.  My main oncologist supports me in this and has relayed that to the team as well.  

Treatment wise I am stil in the clinical trial but quality of life prevails for me.  Once the treatments start overrunning this I will re evaluate and have no problem pulling out.  I am focused on living illy first and foremost  whatever path I need to be on to do that.   

Be gentle with yourself.  Hugs!  Anne

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