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What does it feel like to die?

Sundanceh's picture
Sundanceh
Posts: 4408
Joined: Jun 2009

is this wha I'm feeling?  Are these my last days?

cant even watch tv now barely listen....can't est just water.

we changed from morphine making me very sick... Now I've dilaudid drip at high dose and just can't cut the pain.

anywsy love you all no matter.....don't think I can get to surgeon consult...they may have waited too late...

-Craig

NewHere's picture
NewHere
Posts: 1195
Joined: Feb 2015

Be well... you are a very strong person.  All your words that I have seen reflect strength, hope and grace.  I am new to this game, just barely two months into this. Had the surgery a month ago, a port last week and chemo starting next week.  And what I have found here through so many already has made my journey so much less alone....

 

Trubrit's picture
Trubrit
Posts: 5175
Joined: Jan 2013

Such a hard post to read. 

Twice in my life I have been in so much pain I have wanted to die; neither were Cancer related. I remember thinknig that I had had enough and just wanted all of the pain to end. I wanted to slip away. 

I think there may come a time when we have to decide to end the fight, and indeed, slip away. 

I can't help thinking about our dear NanaB. At the end she knew that she had had enough and allowed herself go. She had come to a place of peace, which must make it easier. 

I pray that you will come to a place of peace if it is your time. But only you know that. You are a fighter, and you will know if you have more fight in you. 

We want you here. Your wife wants you here. Your family and friends want you here, but at this point, do you want to be here? 

May you be blessed with the strength you need to fight, is my prayer. 

Sue - Trubrit

 

Lovekitties's picture
Lovekitties
Posts: 3346
Joined: Jan 2010

Love you too, always will.

I firmly beleive that dying is not an end, it is just a beginning of another chapter which we here on earth do not see.

I wish you peace of mind, and freedom from pain, whether these be the last days or just a lull before another rally.

Hugs and love,

Marie who loves kitties (and especially The Texas Lion)

 

 

Sonia32's picture
Sonia32
Posts: 1078
Joined: Mar 2009

Ok first off it might be the fact you were so severely constipated that caused an infection in your body, and you are fighting that.

 

Until that dog of yours decides not to leave your side, part of me is hoping it's that. If your body is ready to go, then I have to be at peace at that for you. You have been through so much. God damn it's 4.09am over here, really want to talk to you on the phone :,( love you.

herdizziness's picture
herdizziness
Posts: 3642
Joined: Apr 2010

Do you remember when we first met here all those years ago??  I was Johnny come lately to the party by a few months, but you and Jennie and the rest of the "gang" let me in and welcomed me.  Such fun times of humor, joy and commoderie between us.

We're getting down in numbers now, you, me, Marie, Sonia. I can't bear to think of you being gone, so if possible,I'd like Big Bad Billy, my Lion and my Craig to survive this moutain climb, I'd like to cheerlead you on saying you can do this and make it.

But, my friend, if you just can't get that toe hold or grab that life line I'll be there in spirit, sitting by your side, waiting for the pain to leave your body and for you to continue your journey without us.

But if you can get better and stay, well, I'd sure love that better.

My love to you my dear friend,

Winter Marie

Easyflip's picture
Easyflip
Posts: 588
Joined: May 2013

I don't know you as well as the others but I can see the love they have for you. Much respect for the way you carried yourself through thick and thin and I see courage and grace in the face of the unknown. For what it's worth, I think the big show is just beginning for you, pain free and at peace, I think it's going to be glorious : )

Easyflip/Richard

tootsie1's picture
tootsie1
Posts: 5056
Joined: Feb 2008

My dear Craig,

You know I love you and have cherished getting to know you here. You have been such a major force in our little family. I don't want you to go. I would miss you so much, even though we haven't been able to communicate as much lately. But you told me once you would let me know if you thought it was time to go to "Paris." If it really is, praying for a peaceful journey for you, my friend. You have fought so hard, and if this is the only way for you to be pain free, then how can I deny you that blessed relief? Praying for relief for you and hoping with all I have that the relief will come on this side of the veil. 

Love you!

 

*hugs*

Gail

 

 

Sundanceh's picture
Sundanceh
Posts: 4408
Joined: Jun 2009

emergency nurse called to bring new med bag.....really thoughtless mistake on their part

and...I'm not ready to go yet

just my body feels funny and it makes uou wonder if this is it or not

more physical not mental right now 

hopee they get here soon

herdizziness's picture
herdizziness
Posts: 3642
Joined: Apr 2010

Betting drugs may have a lot to do with this.  Keep up the good fight then my friend!!

Winter Marie

TheLadySkye's picture
TheLadySkye
Posts: 195
Joined: Oct 2013

If it's all right, I'll just sit beside you with the shield and the sword and keep the dark at bay until you can stand on your own. 

XOXO

Cathleen Mary
Posts: 827
Joined: May 2011

Blessings, Strength, Courage our friend.  I am sure that your body and spirit are weary...all with good reason. You have overcome many a setback. If this, be that, may you keep on, keeping on.  If your time here is coming to an end, may deep peace and a felt knowledge of how deeply you are loved be with you every step of the way. Your latest post sounds like there is more resilience left in you; if so, we are all with you!

Hugs,

CW

tootsie1's picture
tootsie1
Posts: 5056
Joined: Feb 2008

Hang on!!! 

 

Love you!

 

*hugs*

Gail

janderson1964
Posts: 2215
Joined: Oct 2011

I love you Craig and my heart is broken in half reaxing your post. Your a great man and warrior. I pray to God everyday that he would ease your suffering. You helped me so much a few years ago during oe of my diffacult times. I just wish there was some way I could return the favor.

Fight for my love
Posts: 1530
Joined: Jun 2009

Here is sending you a warm hug to help you get through the difficult time. I keep praying for you, and hoping the pain will be under control soon. You always have my love, care and best wishes. Hang on there!

LivinginNH's picture
LivinginNH
Posts: 1458
Joined: Apr 2010

 

My dearest Craig, I'm so sorry that you're in this state, and I wish they could have at least gotten the pain under control.  You know how much you mean to me, and I'll always hold your spirit warmly in my heart.  You've proved time and time again how strong and courageous you are, and your writing continues to show your determination and will to survive, even through the horrendous pain.  You will forever have my admiration and love my friend, you are certainly one very special guy.  I hope that you can feel the love and support from all of your friends here as we hold you warmly in our thoughts and prayers.

Love you buddy, my dear friend.

Cynthia

annalexandria's picture
annalexandria
Posts: 2573
Joined: Oct 2011

we all come to the clearing at the end of the path, and then the sun shines on our faces, and we can see the sky, bright and blue.

We are all walking this path with you.  Can you feel us holding you up?  I hope so.

Lots o' love, hugs, and hope for strength from your librarian pal.

Sundanceh's picture
Sundanceh
Posts: 4408
Joined: Jun 2009

made it thru the night...

NewHere's picture
NewHere
Posts: 1195
Joined: Feb 2015

Thoughts with you

annalexandria's picture
annalexandria
Posts: 2573
Joined: Oct 2011

Keep on walking, buddy.  And keep talking to us, please.

traci43's picture
traci43
Posts: 775
Joined: Jul 2007

Craig - You've been an awesome warrior.  To see you posting, sad that you're in so much pain still.  I hope they find the right pain meds to grant you some relief.  You have been an awesome support of folks on this board, thanks for being the inspiration that you are.  Love and peace to you, Traci

herdizziness's picture
herdizziness
Posts: 3642
Joined: Apr 2010

and then tonight and then next. One day at a time, one night at a time :).

Winter Marie

janderson1964
Posts: 2215
Joined: Oct 2011

Keep fighting brotber.

Lorikat's picture
Lorikat
Posts: 682
Joined: Jul 2011

prayers, love and soft feelings being sent your way....

abrub's picture
abrub
Posts: 2131
Joined: Mar 2010

Craig, thinking of you and wishing you comfort and relief; Freedom from pain. And thanking you for your friendship and support,  both to me and everyone else who has found this forum. You are a treasure, loved by all who have encountered you. 

Alice

Daisy13's picture
Daisy13
Posts: 43
Joined: Nov 2014

Daisy13 wants you to know that your old friend Devotion10 is wrapping her arms around you. You rest easy, breathe gently, try to be calm. You are surrounded in the warmth of all our love.  ~ Peace.

Sundanceh's picture
Sundanceh
Posts: 4408
Joined: Jun 2009

don't think I can make implant surgeon visit at this point....will try but so long trip and hard on me....would still have a ct to do for placement as well.....another long trip and difficult procedure as well....then the surger...would I even be strong enough For surgery?

damn it all.....things can turn on such a short time we never know....the lion does not feel very strong right now.......just wish I could get through this stage.  My mind is racing with living and closing thoughts of all kinds...even doing battle with each other.

i had one more post I was planning to write on outliving cancer by outliving our choices...

even surrounded by by friends I still feel a little alone if you can understand this at all what I'm trying to tell you......a little scary I must say.  It's a strange feeling I must say.

you know I love you all and want the best for you....I will keep going for now but I will miss so many things and folks because that's all I've ever known.  The future and unknown are just plain scary right now.

Alice thank you for what you said:)

i had hoped for so much more with this last fight.....maybe I still got one left....know you're worried but I'll let you off the hook because I've drained you...I can tell from some of you...I'm sorry.

goodnight and well hope for another one or two.  Thanks for writing to me:)

its funny how things seem important.....yet really are not...

-Craig

jen2012
Posts: 1607
Joined: Aug 2012

hope you are finding some joy in every day.

you know we are all pulling for you and wish we could ease your pain.

 

Sundanceh's picture
Sundanceh
Posts: 4408
Joined: Jun 2009

yep...but joy has left the bldg but we all know that all too well...

youre sweet Jen thx for msg d again...know words are hard right now for you...it's ok:)

jen2012
Posts: 1607
Joined: Aug 2012

Yup finding the words is hard.  I'm sad and angry for you and for all of us dealing with this garbage.  but it's never hard to talk to you or hear from you, so keep on talking to us my friend.

I know that you've done some looking towards religion, not sure if you are still doing so, but I like to take comfort in the readings that say those who suffer on earth will get glory in Heaven.  You are due lots of glory, but let's not rush to get you there.  

This song is going through my head for you this morning

 

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=OORsz2d1H7s

 

Helen321's picture
Helen321
Posts: 1409
Joined: May 2012

One night Barb (Barbebarb) sent me a message that she had decided to stop treatment.  I was crying very hard and I wanted to beg her to continue but I didn't.  She said it was a "peace".  She had made her decision and was okay with it.  She said you just can't understand until you are the one.  I don't think any of us can truly understand what you are going through.  If you are at peace, let yourself be at peace but if you need to keep fighting, see if you can get to that surgeon consult via ambulance/ heck maybe even by facechat on the phone.  My current insurance supports that, maybe your does too.  Whatever your decision, we're all thinking about you.  Helen

Phil64's picture
Phil64
Posts: 835
Joined: Apr 2012

Craig,

I am sending you lots of Love and Prayers. I pray for pain-free, peaceful, and joy-filled days for you, your wife, friends, and family.

You are a hero to me. You exemplify how to fight this beast.  And you have given me much inspiration.

I hope you will be blessed today! And that the pain will subside.  Calling for a cease-fire day for Craig!!!

 

Love,

Phil

thingy45's picture
thingy45
Posts: 633
Joined: Apr 2011

Dear Craig,

only you know when it is your time. So sorry about your pain, that makes it all so much harder. You are such an inspiration to all who love you and care about you. And that are many. You are often in my thoughts.

hugs dear friend, Marjan

Annabelle41415's picture
Annabelle41415
Posts: 6512
Joined: Feb 2009

I'm so sorry to see this post from you as I'd never thought that you could possibly not be here anymore.  Only you will know when your journey will be close, but I'm still hearin the fight and roar in you.  I'm praying that your suffering is minimal and you can be at peace with everything.  May God Bless you and keep you near.  I'm so glad that you are still a part of this board as long as you are able.

Kim

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