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girlfriend pushing me and everyone away

Posts: 2
Joined: Oct 2014

About 7 months ago, my girlfriend became part of the 1% of her age (30) and gender to get diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma. She's been through a lot.. the chemo, bone marrow transplant and to top it off.. a hip replacement next month. She's been the light of my life- and everyone elses lives for years because of her consistant positive attitude torwards life and the punches it may throw at you.

I have noticed a great deal of change. She hasnt been answering her phone or responding to texts from good friends trying to reach out, be supportive, or just trying to keep her involved in their lives - cancer or no cancer, they just want to be around her because she has always been such a great friend. The friend who always put a positive twist on a negative situation, who could make you laugh when you really didn't want to. But lately, not only have I noticed those actions, I feel she is now pushing me away as well.

I spent all of september with her in Durham during her transplant, it was a difficult month. I quit my job and dedicated all of my time to her. We live together and also have a room mate. 

Lately I have really noticed a more aggressive, angry, and pessimistic behavior torwards me and everything around her .I can't remember the last time I have seen her genuinely smile or laugh at something silly I do that used to crack her up. It's hard. I don't know what she is feeling, but sometimes I feel like she resents me for that. I'm trying to do what I can, but I am at the point where I feel like everything I do is wrong. I dont want to lose grasp of myself either trying to keep up with everything she is needing when I feel like everything I do is wrong. 

I don't know anyone else that has been in a similar situation.. and I would love some advice. A few of my closest friends don't understand what I am going through at all.. they are starting to judge her and say she is not being fair. But I know she can't help what she is doing.. she is going through something very tramatic and I want to be there for her. 

Please help.


Rakendra's picture
Posts: 198
Joined: Apr 2013


cancer and cancer treatments have a huge effect on every human and thier friends as well.  People just have no spiritual training on how to handle severe and perhaps terminal disease.  Not only that, but the medications the toxic treatments will affect no only the immune system but also the brain and thinking process.  Depression is often a by product of treatment and cancer.  Unless a person has had some kind of training in how to handle what is going on, there will surely be aberrant behaviour.  Usually the person does not see what their behaviour is like or how they can change it.  And so, there is not much anyone can do except to be there for that person with love and non judgement.  You might check out my post on the  Spirituallity board which explains this.  In the meantime, stay in the love space, expect nothing in return, and support her as she wishes, not as you wish.  Much love, Swami Rakendra

Abbycat2's picture
Posts: 644
Joined: Feb 2014


My heart goes out to you.  My partner was diagnosed with cancer in 2011 and me in 2013. My world has changed forever and neither one of us will ever be the same. My partner's chance of long-term survival is much better than mine. I'll be "lucky" if I survive this. I really suggest that you are open and honest about your feelings with your girlfriend. You are grieving, too. If nothing else, go for counseling to help you cope and suggest it to your sweetheart. 

I always thought that I would live a long life like my parents did, and it breaks my heart that my life may come to an end so soon. When one is diagnosed with cancer, everything changes. I was once happy-go-lucky and energized by life. it is not the same, now, and I doubt if it ever will be for me. This is what everyone calls the "new normal". 

I wish only the best for you and your girlfriend! Please keep in touch.

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