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Phil64's picture
Posts: 838
Joined: Apr 2012

I'm now 4 days since FOLFOXIRI/bev treatment two of six (treatment #25 overall). This round was a lot better managed. I am now eating more and fatigue is waning. Diarrhea was not as bad and although nausea was an issue I seem to be beyond this as well. And as I previously reported, CEA dropped from 18 to 11, giving us encouragement that the poison is killing the cancer.

So, while things were looking up, well…  On Monday we received word that my father-in-law passed away. Luckily we managed to squeeze several visits into the last couple months so at least we had a chance to spend some time with him before he passed. He was on hospice care for pancreatic cancer and we knew time with him was precious. Good-byes on each visit proved to be progressively harder to do. Although my father-in-law was 81 he was a very active person, up until his final days. And it was very sad to lose him at this time. He did live a wonderful life and his legacy will most certainly live on -- through his children, grandchildren, great grandchildren... He will be dearly missed by many!

My first reaction to the news of his passing was to plan our trip for the funeral (which is on Friday).  We discussed when to go with each child and we planned for how to best deal with my condition along the way. I was even considering “depends” as a precautionary measure given the symptoms I’ve been dealing with…

However my wife was very concerned about me making the trip. Given low immunity and a ten hour road trip, stopping at unknown gas stations along the way, with four kids, my wife, and me packed like sardines inside my truck...  Then sleeping in an unfamiliar location, being so far away from home, trying to eat smart in restaurants…  Adding to that the emotional stress of the funeral, and being around many family and friends… All that while dealing trying to recover from the chemo fatigue and diarrhea, and other symptoms.

The last words I heard from my father-in-law seemed to put perspective on this decision as well. My wife, fourteen year old step son, and I said our final good-bye. We then walked into the street to my truck. We paused in the street to wave good-bye one more time, while choking back tears…  Then we just stood there in the street with tears in our eyes while we watched Duane come down the driveway. He was rapidly pushing his walker over the cement cracks, over the curb, coming right up to us. He hugs each of us one more time. And as he hugs me, he tells me in no uncertain terms "You get better!"  

He made his point. And my wife made her point as well. And now my family is there and I'm here. I'm so sad that I'm not with them during this celebration of life and love. Even though I know it was the right decision I am still sad that I’m missing this time with my wife and step-children.

Cancer has once again stole from me. Cancer seems to do that every chance it gets. Taking time away from watching my children in plays or sporting events, hanging out with friends at football or baseball games, productivity at work, home chores, playing golf, etc.... The collateral damage from battling cancer truly sucks!

So here I am feeling sad...  For my wife who lost her father. For my mother-in-law who lost her husband of 50+ years. For my step children who lost their Grandpa, who loved them so much. For me who can’t be with my family during this occasion...

I guess I will wipe the tears and focus on resting, walking, recovering, working...  So I can be as ready as possible for round three next Thursday.

I will do a lot of praying, a little crying. And I apologize to God; for some of my prayers may NOT sound much like prayers.

Thank you all in advance for your support. Please send up prayers for my wife especially. As she deals with the loss of her father and continues to deal with my situation as well.

Love, light, hugs!


LivinginNH's picture
Posts: 1458
Joined: Apr 2010

Hey Phil,

I'm sorry that you aren't able to be with your family, but I know that they wouldn't want you to be exposed to all of those germs and to get exhausted as well.  You need to have your strength in order to deal with the chemo treatments and all that goes with it.  When my Dad passed away, I absolutely forbid Rick to come to the service or the funeral as winter cold season was upon us and that's one thing he didn't need while on chemo!  That's why I know that although your wife would obviously like you with her, I also know that she wants you home and safe and away from any sick people.  So, rest up, eat well, and try to relax - that's what your father-in-law would have wanted you to do - right??  ;)

Take care of yourself,


Momof2plusteentwins's picture
Posts: 508
Joined: May 2012

Cancer just keeps on giving.  It's not only about the disease but all the things it affects.  When I was going through chemo it was football season and my boys are in the band, I just didn't want to miss a single game and have cancer steal away time.  Of course it didn't involve driving 10 hours away.  I did make it to all the games but it was hard.  I understand how you feel being alone.  I just feel so useless not working and being alone all day.  I hope you can get some rest before the next round.  Chemo just wipes you out.  I think you made the right decision not going out of town, even though it was a tough one.  Take care.


Lovekitties's picture
Posts: 3366
Joined: Jan 2010

My condolances to you, and your family , on the loss of a dear family member.

No one on the outside can imagine what the true cost of a cancer diagnosis is beyond the dollars and cents.

I feel that you and your wife made the right decision for you to stay home and save your strenght for your own battle.  I know being "right" doesn't put a dent in the emotional feelings.

Prayers for you all as you deal with this loss and your ongoing fight.


Marie who loves kitties

Nana b's picture
Nana b
Posts: 3045
Joined: May 2009

It's a never ending cycle.... I'm begining to feel normal and my hair is growing back but the cancer is also probably still growing.  You know some people never ev4n know they have cancer until diagnosis, we all have some typle of cancer, its just the immune system kils the cancerious cells for many   For some of us our immune system is toxic, whether from chemicals or food allergies or inflammation in the body.  And then we depend on Chemo, th  Chemo that kills the immunse system that you need to beat the cancer.  Crazy! 


I do believe in natural healing, I only wish i would have done it after the firsr round and not the 4th.  

Cathleen Mary
Posts: 827
Joined: May 2011

Cancer does take a lot from us but by staying home you lessened both your wife's anxiety and the chance for cancer to give you an opportunistic infection. Not easy but a wise decision. You can celebrate your father in law by getting well....just what he wants.

I am sure these days are difficult and lonely...prayers that you will soon feel better and life will be a bit easier.  

Your father in law sounds like a gem.


Yolllmbs's picture
Posts: 361
Joined: May 2014

Sometimes the right choices are the hardest to make. Cyber hugs and lots of prayers. If you need a chat buddy, please pm me for my phone number or Facebook. 


Big hugs!



Trubrit's picture
Posts: 5423
Joined: Jan 2013

And I apologize to God; for some of my prayers may NOT sound much like prayers.

any conversation with God, is a prayer and there should be no apology. I believe He is there to listen, the good, the bad and the ugly. 

I am so sorry that you have not been able to accompany your family, but I have no doubt that your beloved father-in-law knows you heart, and no doubt is happy that you all chose for you to stay and take care of yourself at this point. 



Phil64's picture
Posts: 838
Joined: Apr 2012

I wish this forum had a like button...  So I could let you all know they I have read your replies...  And maybe a Thank You button, so you know I really appreciate your replies. Or rather I appreciate the compassion, outreach, love the is behind the words that you share. Please know that I am sending out prayers and positive thoughts to each of you this morning. Hugs.

Posts: 2215
Joined: Oct 2011

You all made the right decision for you to stay home as hard as that may be. I feel for you Phil. Please keep resting and get better so you can tolerate round 3.

annalexandria's picture
Posts: 2573
Joined: Oct 2011

I'm so sorry about your FIL, and I totally understand your feeings about having to miss the funeral.  Cancer truly is a thief.  It steals way too much from us.  So very unfair.

With love, AA

Posts: 1282
Joined: Apr 2012

A few people missed my wife's funeral, but I understood the whys.  We all do the best we can, so don't beat yourself up!!!

Take care of yourself and get better.

Annabelle41415's picture
Posts: 6694
Joined: Feb 2009

My prayers are with you and wife and family as you go through this terrible time along with dealing with all you have been going through.  My heart aches for all of you as you struggle with all this.  May God bring you all to peace and help the transition of your father-in-laws passing.


Posts: 1019
Joined: Aug 2013

I know it was a tough decision, but I think it was the right one. Your FIL would have understood. You need to kick this to be around for your family!

Keep up the good fight!


Phil64's picture
Posts: 838
Joined: Apr 2012

It is 1pm in Tennessee right now. Duane's fineral service is starting. I'm with them in spirit. And thank you all for your reassurances and well wishes. May God bless everyone affected by cancer. Love and light to you today.


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