CSN Login
Members Online: 11

You are here

Mother said to only have a few weeks to live, think she has stage IV

Tristag
Posts: 20
Joined: Jul 2014

Hi, I am a 18 year old kid and my mom has been given a few weeks to live.  At least that is what my family says.  My dad reminds me that she probably will only live a few more week and then says maybe she could live a few more years.  However, she has done her will and has chosen to be cremated and I guess I feel like the few weeks is set in stone :\  

I really have no idea how to feel about this, I try to ignore it but I know that isn't the thing to do.  I strangly feel in shock and that she will survive (I am religious and have faith that she will survive, also she told me she thinks she will be ok) I don't know if that is a good or bad thing but... for now it is what it is.

She will be coming home later today, I guess to live the rest of her life out at home?  Sorry I don't have a lot of details, my dad has done most of these things.  I'm honestly not even sure if it is Stage IV, I'm deathly afraid to ask but from what I've made out that seems to be what it is.  She first had an operation, then had chemo both of which were supposed to work and now she is doing radiation.  I heard that the cancer spread to a lymphnode and that is why it is so hard to get rid of.  

Has anyone lived passed their date?  It would be really nice if she could be around for me and my sister to graduate but the way everyone is talking it seems she won't :/  We are trying a bunch of other things besides the radiation... home remedies I guess?  Anyways, I plan on spending as much time with her as possible no matter what.  I would just like to know if anyone felt like they would surive and they did or vice versa... I almost want the harsh truth at this point, however I know it is hard and Drs do know what they are doing.

Thanks!  Apologize for the very disorganized writing, I'm kinda nervous and I've never been the best writer anyways. 

 

 

Hybridspirits's picture
Hybridspirits
Posts: 209
Joined: Nov 2012

I am so sorry to hear about your Mom.  It is hard to answer your question without a bit more understanding.  I am guessing she has uterine cancer,  had a hysterctomy, and has had her chemo and now is going to have external or possibly interenal radiation.  You mentioned it went to her lymph nodes, was this discovered from surgery and so it is a local lymph node?  I do know there are a lot of ladies on this board doing very well with stage 3 - lymph node involvement and stage 4.  I am sure they will all start to share their positive stories. 

Having cancer and taking care of someone with cancer is very scary as some doctors talk in terms of numbers and percent of survival.  But in the end that is historical and we are all a statistic of one.   I have learned the power of positive thinking and to focus not on the statistic that didn't survive but the statistic that did as that is the one i want to be part of.

I am sending you lot's of comfort and prayers for you and your family during this most stressful time

keep the faith as i also do believe that has a big part of it

 

 

 

Judemo
Posts: 107
Joined: Jun 2014

Honey, all of us here on this discussion board have you & your mom in our hearts & prayers. I'm so sorry to hear about your mom.  I'm new to this cancer stuff so I don't have advice, but I do have a heart to listen to what your going through.  Please keep us informed of how you & your mom are doing.  Eventually you'll probably hear from the other wonderful women who are going through what your mom is dealing with.  DO NOT GIVE UP HOPE OK?!  You find people you trust and talk to them ok? We are here to listen.  Please hang in there and give your mom a hug from all of us here on this website. & I'm sending YOU a hug too! 

jude

Tristag
Posts: 20
Joined: Jul 2014

Thank you

I do have hope, I don't know why but I just do and I guess its better than feeling hopeless haha.  I will try to spend as much time with her as I can.  Thanks again! (I have organized the info better in another reply)

Tristag
Posts: 20
Joined: Jul 2014

Sorry for the lack of information.  It is complicated, my parents I think "forget" to tell me things sometimes to make me feel better but here is what I know in a more organized list:

Things I put in quotes are what my parents said to me and I don't know the... validity behind them.

> She goes to the doctor for bleeding
> Doctor says she has cancer but they can do a hysterectomy and remove it
> Surgery goes fine except they couldn't remove "a small bit of it"
> She goes through I think... 4 or 5 months of chemo
> After chemo she says her "blood count was good", something about being normal and means cancer is going away.
> A few days later tells me that we are going to do radiation to just make absolutly sure that it is gone.
> I go away on a small vacation and hear that my mom is in the hospital for a blood clot.
> I am assured that while scary and etc. she will be fine.
> When I return from vacation my father tells me that the reason for radiation is just to try to extend her life and that she only has a certain amount to live.
> I ask into it more about why, in this day and age surgery can't remove it.  He says it has spread to a lymphnode.  And thats as much as I was told.
> She returns from the hospital for a week or two and then suffers another blood clot while at the hospital doing her radiation.
> She is put in the hospital for a week or two where she suffers from other things like a fever, chills, nausea etc.
> She is discharged and home now

(apparently they are not doing radiation which makes me sad and makes me feel like they have given up hope :/)

 

Thank you again for the kind words, it really helps :)

NoTimeForCancer's picture
NoTimeForCancer
Posts: 2459
Joined: Mar 2013

Sweetie, whatever  you are feeling is ok!  All over the place, nervous, scared?  Completely understandable.  There are women on this board in all different stages and I think your plan to spend as much time with your mother as possible is great.  There is nothing like having your family with you, even if it is sitting with them, it is beneficial to both parties. 

If you have a chance to find out more details come on back and ask us anything.  Chemo and radiation is not uncommon treatments for cancer, so it makes sense.  It is probably overwhelming for your dad as well so hang in there. 

<<hugs>>

Tristag
Posts: 20
Joined: Jul 2014

Thank you for the reassurence :) 

I have tried to organize the information I know in an above post.

About spending time, today was her first day back and it was so painful, I just wanted to come back to my room and try to forget about it... I hated seeing her like that but there wasn't much I could do.  I will try to spend as much time with her as I can though, I don't want this to be such a bad thing.  Thank you again.

It happened to Me's picture
It happened to Me
Posts: 203
Joined: Apr 2014

I can't even imagine what you are feeling.  I am 52 and had a rare form of uterine cancer.  Totally unsuspected cancer.  You said that you have faith.  Faith will get you through.  I pray your mom has faith as well.  I had Stage III.    My thought is to talk to your mom.  Cry if it will help.  Pray before you do asking the Lord to help you with the words.  No one knows when we will die.  Only God.  If you mom likes to sing, then sing for or with her, if she is a reader, then read her favorite stories, things like that will make memories.  This can be a very, very special time for you and her.  Yes, it will be hard, but you will grow and are growing from this experience.  You said that you had a feeling that she will be ok.  You hold on to that and keep talking like that.  There is always HOPE.  This group, there are many praying women who will be praying for your mom and for you and your family.  Be silly with your mom if that will help you cope.  Laughter is really good medicine.  Maybe you guys can watch videos together, your favorites.    I have made my cancer fun.  I had people who were doom and gloom and really upset.  Once I told them that I was going to get spayed, it broke the ice.  Then, they treated me like normal and I made fun of my bald head and no eye brows and laughed and took pictures.  All that to help me and other cope.  You will be stronger than you think you can be.   I just have that gut feeling.  Like the others said, keep us posted.  We are all good listeners.  there are some very smart women on this board.  Take care Tristag.

Jeanette

Tristag
Posts: 20
Joined: Jul 2014

Thank you

I will try to spend as much time as I can, unfortunatly she is spending more time asleep so I think this may be it... My dad just came and told me maybe a week or days he doesn't know.  I feel so horrible right now.  I am still in shock though.

Ro10's picture
Ro10
Posts: 1579
Joined: Jan 2009

I feel so bad for you.  I pray for peace and comfort for your Mom and your family.  I wonder if you have hospice involved.  They can be a great support to keep your Mom comfortable and help the family go through the grieving process;  Talk to your Mom even if you are not sure she can hear you.  Talk to her about all of your good memories with her.  In peace and caring.

Tristag
Posts: 20
Joined: Jul 2014

Thank you

We do have a hospice but so far they have just done the other stuff, no grieving things yet.  My mom was more awake and alert later in the night.  We all talked to her then :)

NoTimeForCancer's picture
NoTimeForCancer
Posts: 2459
Joined: Mar 2013

Tristag, I am so sorry to hear this.  Even though your mother may be asleep, I agree with Ro, talk to her, share your good memories and everything else.  Even if you don't think she can hear you she will not be alone.  What a wonderful, caring daughter you are and you, your mother, and entire family are in my prayers.

Tristag
Posts: 20
Joined: Jul 2014

Yea, she wakes up about 3-4 times a day and when she does we try to talk as much as we can.  She is eating a bit more and seems to sometimes be getting better but I feel that those are just temporary :/  Anyways Thank you for the support!  (oh and I am a boy haha)

It happened to Me's picture
It happened to Me
Posts: 203
Joined: Apr 2014

You are an amazing young man.  You took the time to find a site where you could try to find answers.  Then, you reached out to us.  You've responded to us and have included us in your life.   I'm so happy that you have been able to talk to her as much as possible.  You have a compassionate heart and we all can tell how much you love your mom.  She is so blessed to have a son like you.   I hope you and your dad are talking to each other and comforting each other.  You keep your chin up Tristag.  I will be praying for you and your family.  

Tristag
Posts: 20
Joined: Jul 2014

Thank you for the kind words and yes.  I have been talking to her as much as possible.  She seems to be getting a little foggy, drifiting in and out but if we need her we can "wake her up".  Otherwise I am trying to help as best I can.  I think I will ask one of the hospice consilours for help later.  Thank you again!

NoTimeForCancer's picture
NoTimeForCancer
Posts: 2459
Joined: Mar 2013

Thanks for reminding me never "ASSUME"

Smile

 

Judemo
Posts: 107
Joined: Jun 2014

Just checking in on you.....

It happened to Me's picture
It happened to Me
Posts: 203
Joined: Apr 2014

Tristag, Was wondering the same things.  Just checking on you and your family.  Know that you are being prayed for.

Tristag
Posts: 20
Joined: Jul 2014

Thank you, that helps (: to avoid clutter I put some more info in another reply, thank you again though!

Tristag
Posts: 20
Joined: Jul 2014

I guess you could say I'm doing good considering the situation.  She is getting a little fuzzy with the way she talks and thinks but if we sorta snap her out of it she seems better.  Thanks again for checking in!

Tristag
Posts: 20
Joined: Jul 2014

Haha it is quite alright, it hardly changes anything.

Tristag
Posts: 20
Joined: Jul 2014

Hey, just giving an update.  I don't think she will be with us much longer :\  I don't know why but I can just tell... she is almost always asleep and just overall... Very weak :(  Thank you all for the support though!

ConnieSW's picture
ConnieSW
Posts: 1351
Joined: Jun 2012

It sounds like she isn't in pain or having trouble breathing  and I am relieved if that is the case.  I am glad you can be nearby And hope you feel us around you because that is where our thoughts are.

It happened to Me's picture
It happened to Me
Posts: 203
Joined: Apr 2014

Thank you Tristag.  Yes, I think you are right.  When you are ready, you whisper in her ear that it's ok to go and tell her you will be ok.  Sometimes our loved one's need to know that the living members will be ok.  You have a sensitive spirit.  I am proud of you for coming to this board and talking to us.  Young men usually don't let themselves be that sensitive.   Like Ro said earlier, it's ok to be feeling what you are feeling.  Don't be afraid to ask for help when you don't understand why you are feeling what you are feeling.

I pray for a peaceful homegoing and no pain.  I pray for you and your family.

Jeanette

Tristag
Posts: 20
Joined: Jul 2014

Thanks everyone for the kind words :)

 

I don't think she is in pain, the only thing I regret is that she is not in her right mind.  When I told her goodnight the last thing she told me was cookies.  For no reason :\  In a way that might make it better, but I don't know.  This whole thing is horrible, I will probably need more support after she passes but for now I'll just sorta sit here and think about things, there isn't much I can do.

Judemo
Posts: 107
Joined: Jun 2014

Thinking of you Tristag & your mom...

Tristag
Posts: 20
Joined: Jul 2014

She is asleep for most of the day still, maybe awake for 30 min where she is fully there.  The rest of the time she is a bit foggy and talking/confusing things.  I've developed a reverse sleep schedule due to a factor of everything.  I'm exhasuted and find it hard to eat sometimes but that is the least of my worries at the moment.  Thank you again!

NoTimeForCancer's picture
NoTimeForCancer
Posts: 2459
Joined: Mar 2013

You are right, it is horrible.  Everything you are thinking and feeling is normal.  You are in my prayers.

Tristag
Posts: 20
Joined: Jul 2014

I have a lot of confusing feelings right now that... are just very annoying.  I go through little phases where I don't feel sad at all, even hoping for the "relife" of her passing.  I almost imediatly regret them but its basically a cycle :\

ConnieSW's picture
ConnieSW
Posts: 1351
Joined: Jun 2012

Your feelings are very normal.

Tristag
Posts: 20
Joined: Jul 2014

If only normal didn't have to be so... confusing haha, thank you for the reassurance.  Though I still feel terrible, it has more to deal with my conscience though, I never try to be selfish.

NoTimeForCancer's picture
NoTimeForCancer
Posts: 2459
Joined: Mar 2013

I am sorry to hear this Tristag.  Your mother helped raise an incredible young man.  I am sure you will find a wonderful way to honor her in everything you do.

Kaleena's picture
Kaleena
Posts: 1883
Joined: Nov 2009

Dear Tristag:

I am sorry that I have not responded to your post sooner, but I found it somewhat difficult due to the fact that I have three sons around your age.   I too did not tell them exactly what was going on with me in the beginning.  I wanted them to live their lives without fear, worry, etc.   I believe that is what your parents were doing also.  Your mother loves you so much that she is always trying to protect you.  Also, she may not even herself knew what was going on and didn't want to worry you.   She wanted you to enjoy life, go on vacations, etc. and not to worry about her.   It is her job to worry about you.

Your parents raised a fine, young man.  I am glad that you reached out to talk.   All the feelings that you are having are normal.    Please know that I am hugging you and everyone on this site is too!

Prayers to you, your mom, and your family.

Kathy

It happened to Me's picture
It happened to Me
Posts: 203
Joined: Apr 2014

You and your sister are on my mind so much.  My heart breaks and yet my heart is so overjoyed that you have taken the time to reach out and to keep us informed and have shared your heart with us.  I was laying in bed thinking about the things that you knew and in my mind, things didn't add up.  I think there was more going on than they told you and with what Kathy said, it makes sense.  I don't have any children, so I don't know what I would of done in that kind of situation.  All's I know is that you are having normal feelings and it's ok to go through all those feelings.  How is your sister doing through all this.   I know you said that you had faith, so I hope you are holding onto that as well.  My faith got me through my surgery and chemo. and now is getting me through the effects of chemo..    There are tons of hugs coming your way as well as prayers.  Whenever I think of you, I pray for you and your family.  I wish I lived right next door to you, because you would get a hug everyday.  :)     

You are an awesome young man Tristag.   Hugs and prayers to you.  You give your sister and dad hugs for us too.

Jeanette

Tristag
Posts: 20
Joined: Jul 2014

Thank you for your thoughts!  I realize there probably is something more to it, I will probably learn the whole story (or if I asked at this point) I doubt it changes much though...  I did hear my dad talking to my grandma though.  He was talking about how, even with all the reasources and money in the world some famous person still lost his battle to cancer.  This was probably in reference to the radiation that, I guess that decided not to go along with :\  My sister is doing fine for the situation, she is more outgoing and spends her time doing sports and things so she isn't home as much and has distractions I guess.  I am holding onto my faith but much like the rest of my life seems to have gone "stale" I feel Im just here and not doing too much, like nothing matters a whole lot.  Recently, we feel my mom is going to pass away each night, she seems so weak but then comes back a little each day.  I feel like this is building a bit of resistance to the whole thing.  I have lost her so many times in my head and feelings, that I don't have much left to feel.  I guess that will come back when she finally does pass but it is wearing me out :\  Anyways thank you again, this really helps me deal with this, in turn I'm able to help my mom (:

 

By the way, thank you everyone else who is replying. I read them all but unfortunatly I don't have enough time to reply to them all :(  I really would if I could, all the comments here really show me how much compassion is on this site and in humans in general!  All your comments are really appreciated though (:  I'm not sure if other ppl get notified about replies not to them so Ill put this in a little bigger font haha  

Tristag
Posts: 20
Joined: Jul 2014

Thank you for the reply!

I think what you did is good, as well as what my mom did.  While I did feel a little betrayed I find myself being thankful I was able to not live my life in fear for the past few months (I know that sounds selfish but I don't know a better way to put it Foot in Mouth).  I guess it doesn't change the outcome much other than letting loved ones have a bit more time to be without worry and fear.  Thanks again for the kind words!

It happened to Me's picture
It happened to Me
Posts: 203
Joined: Apr 2014

Don't be upset for feeling selfish.  Don't be upset for fear.  You were placed in a position most 18 yr olds never are until later in life.  I always say, no regrets.  You are doing the best you can with what you have.  You are growing from this situation Tristag.   You are ok and you aren't alone.  Don't worry about responding to each post, we all understand.  You post when you can or when you have questions.  I'm pretty confident when I say that we on this discussion board have grown to love you and care about you.   It's almost like you have a cyber family with a whole lot more sisters, aunts, grandma's to help you through this time in your life.  I am old enough to be your grandmother.  :)

Take care, have no regrets, tell your mom (even if she sleeps all the time) how much you love her, thank her for making you the strong young man you are, tell her whatever is on your heart.

Jeanette

 

Judemo
Posts: 107
Joined: Jun 2014

Hi sweetheart, just letting you know we all are sending you good thoughts, love, caring, compassion and are here for you.  Jeanette is correct when she said to not worry about replying to all the posts.  We don't expect that.  just know you are part of our family now and we will be here to listen to you.  Nothing is off limits as far as what your going through.  You will be strong and at other times you won't and we will be here to get you through those times and whatever your going through.  I could totally relate to you when you said (I probably don't have your exact words) right now you kinda feel like your just kinda "here" and nothing really matters and your not feeling anything from your faith.  Well I feel like that too sometimes and have been recently.  I do know however ( maybe from living on this earth for 49 years) that those feelings are normal and that doesn't mean God is not with you or does not love you. I really believe that those feelings are part of life especially when your going through what you are dealing with.  I mean, you have a lot going on and are facing losing your mom, that's a huge thing. Not too many people your age go through this. I never did, so I'm not in your shoes. All I know is that being human is really tough sometimes, but thank god we have other people to lean on when it is tough, to help get us through it.  Sometimes it takes just waiting it out (these feelings we have) ...waiting it out and lean on those you trust. I usually tell God everything, the good, the bad and the ugly... sometimes I yell, other times I cry.....(sometimes I feel His love for me and I thank Him) ....I figure he can handle all of our emotions. Oh, and by the way, you are an awesome person from what I have learned from your posts. 

 

Jude

Tristag
Posts: 20
Joined: Jul 2014

Thank you for understanding!

I agree, I will get lost from time to time but I will always find my way back.  This time will be a little different though, I'll have to try a little harder but I know I'll get through this. The things that are going to hurt are the simple things like saying hi when I get home or sending a funny internet video.  I had a long vacation and got back in the middle of it so I think the vacation helped me out in a way.  I was able to ease into it.  Anyways, I will try to get closer to God these next few days, it will be good for me.  Thanks btw!  Everyone here is also awesome for the support and help they give!

Tristag
Posts: 20
Joined: Jul 2014

Thank you!  I am greatful for this community and all who have helped.  I imagine there are some thing to gain from expeiencing a tragedy early in life, much to loose but there is always at least something in the glass.  I have been talking to my mom a lot, I just have no idea anymore.  I just have no feelings, saddness if I do but at this point I've felt all I can feel till she passes I think :\  Thanks again!

It happened to Me's picture
It happened to Me
Posts: 203
Joined: Apr 2014

She can sense your presence.  My cousin played some of my aunt's favorite music when she was in the state your mom is.  When my wonderful friend was dying, I just sat by her and either held her hand or rubbed her head.   If you can't be in the room very much, it's ok.  You can always go in, say Hi or give her a kiss and leave.  You are such an inspiriation Tristag.   I am still praying for you and your family.  And I know there are alot of other people thinking about you and praying for you.

Jeanette

sunflash's picture
sunflash
Posts: 197
Joined: Aug 2011

Dear Tristag, 

I am so sorry for what you're going through, and  am holding you close to my heart and in prayer along with all the others here. 

Remember, there is nothing you can say or feel that will separate you from God's love. He understands and loves you unconditionally, no matter what. When you don't "feel" Him, He's still there, loving you and your mom, and is ready for you to draw strength and comfort from Him when you're ready to. Everybody is different in the way they grieve, so please don't feel guilty or stressed over your feelings right now. There is absolutely no right or wrong way to express your grief. 

One of my favorite scriptures is Isaiah, 41:10.......

"So do not fear, for I am with you;

Do not be dismayed, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you and help you;

I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

 

Your mother must be an incredible peson to have raised such an outstanding and caring son. I know she and your dad are both so proud of you! 

Thank you for having the courage to reach out to us.....you have incredible strength.....more than you even know. 

Sending my love!

 

 

   


Judemo
Posts: 107
Joined: Jun 2014

How are you? 

It happened to Me's picture
It happened to Me
Posts: 203
Joined: Apr 2014

Hi Tristag, just wanted you to know that we are thinking about you and praying for you and your family.

Jeanette

SUNGRANNY
Posts: 81
Joined: Dec 2012

Dear Tristag,

As a woman with stage 4 cancer and a mother I am so very impressed by you. Your mother raised a fine daughter and I'm sure both your parents are proud of you.

I am glad that Hospice is there to help, and hope there is a counselor or minister that you can talk with. When people go through grief and anticipatory loss as you are, people often go through a range of emotions - anger, guilt, denial, sadness, and eventually acceptance. A person can feel one way one day, and another on the next day (or moment) - emotional roller coaster.  

Some other thoughts - is there a support group for daughters that you might be able to attend? (Hospice should know.)  Even if she seems "out of it", you can talk, sing, pray, to your mom - you never know what might reach her.  And as much as you can, may you remember the good times and the precious memories you have.

May you and your family be at peace,

NO NEED FOR YOU TO ANSWER THIS MESSAGE - I KNOW YOU HAVE TO OCCUPY YOUR MIND AND HEART.

Sungranny

It happened to Me's picture
It happened to Me
Posts: 203
Joined: Apr 2014

Tristag is a 18 year old young man.  Just wanted you to know.  He is pretty incredible.

Subscribe to Comments for "Mother said to only have a few weeks to live, think she has stage IV"