Sad man rambling

Phil64
Phil64 Member Posts: 838

I just re-read several of my emails on CSN.  I really didn't email many people directly.  The two I most often communicated with were joemetz and tachilders.  They were both my age and geographically close to where I live. They both had larger families like myself. We were hoping to meet f2f (as I read in our emails). 

Both Joe and Ted have passed away (Joe this week and Ted several weeks ago).  And I am sad and angry and confused.

I remember Craig writing about how hard it has been for him to meet people on this forum and then see them pass away.  Well Craig, I'm remembering what you said and relating to it now.

It is very hard to see people die from this ugly disease. To think about how young they were and their children they are leaving behind. So much life to live. This is so sad to me. I'm feeling an emptiness in my gut and holding back tears right now.

And it's tough to stay positive about my own prognosis when faced with others succumbing to this disease.

Tomorrow I'm going in to receive CT Scan results and to take another CEA test. You all know the anxiety when facing tests... 

I will try and keep a positive outlook and continue to FIGHT in memory of Joe and Ted AND for my family and myself. 

And I'll remind myself that Joe and Ted and others who have passed are in a good place! With abundant Love and Light.

Wiping a tear from my eye.

Philip

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Comments

  • Sundanceh
    Sundanceh Member Posts: 4,392 Member
    I Know Phil.....

    And I'm sorry you're experiencing that now....

    They will be alive as long as you keep their memory alive inside you.  Hang in there, man.

    I understand what you are feeling.....I watched several hundred people pass away up here over the years.....it's very difficiult to handle sometimes.

    I'm glad you were able to share time with them though; that is priceless......always keep that in mind:)

    -Craig

  • marbleotis
    marbleotis Member Posts: 720 Member
    What I try to do

    I have the same feelings, when someone who helped so much on the site passes and you read about them on fb or caring bridge - you cannot help the tears flowing.  I read Joe's fb and realized i am 1 year older.......and then the tears.........

    I worked with a really nice person named Steve.  He had prostate cancer that went to his liver.  He passed away this past Oct.  He helped me alot after my Dx with CC. 

    What I started doing is an extra 5 min on the treadmill or an extra 5 lbs on the weights or an extra walk during the day in honor of each person that I read about.  I say I am doing it for them because they cannot.

    I am blessed to still be here so I need to fight extra hard.

    It also taught me to appreciate every minute of every day because no one gets a do-over!

    I will be keeping good thoughts for your CT and CEA.  Please keep us posted.

    Tears still flow, but I try to turn the sad into a positive

     

  • jen2012
    jen2012 Member Posts: 1,607 Member
    Definitely understand where

    Definitely understand where you are coming from.  Too many losses and its so sad and scary.   Others have given good advice and I don't have any to add, but just wanted to let you know I get it.  

     

    Good luck tomorrow Phil.  We need some good news here and look forward to getting it from you.

     

  • Trubrit
    Trubrit Member Posts: 5,625 Member
    Its OK to be sad

    It is painful when we see our forum friends pass. Painful because we weep for them and their families, and painful because we so don't want to be the next one. We want to be the one that 'stays alive' that 'makes it through' that 'gets the miracle'. 

    Yesterday, as I was listening to the Bee Gees sing 'Micacles Happen' I couldn't help but weep for Robin Gibb, knowing that the miracle didn't happen for him (He passed from Colon Cancer). 

    I weep for those that have passed, but I have to stop weeping and return my gut back to calmness, for my own health and well being. 

    Weep for Joe and Ted. Weep for Doc Hawk and Vicklilg. Weep for them all, but then take a deep breath and come back to the moment. The moment where you need to take care of yourself. 

    I will think of you tomorrow. I will think how happy you will be when the CT scan is clear. I will think of you until you get your CEA results. 

    We'll pass the tissues once more for our friends.

    Blessings Phillip. 

  • UncleBuddy
    UncleBuddy Member Posts: 1,019
    Good luck tomorrow!!

    I hope your tests come back great!

    Lin

  • Annabelle41415
    Annabelle41415 Member Posts: 6,715 Member
    Hard and Sad

    Yes it is so hard and sad to see the people on here pass.  As if one day they are posting and the next we find they have passed.  We have grown to know so many people on this board without actually meeting them.  It's a sad day when anyone passes.  It's harder on the ones they leave behind because the one person they knew or loved is gone.  Wishing you the best for your scan results tomorrow and CEA test.  Please let us know how it goes.  Praying for you.

    Kim

  • fatbob2010
    fatbob2010 Member Posts: 467
    A lesson on living

    Your right Phillip, this has been a hard year for many of us.  There have been losses that struck our hearts and left us with no way to get closure with these important cyber friends.  Yet we have learned a great deal from them in the time we had together.  

    I, for instance, have rededicated myself to being the best husband, father and grandfather I can possibly be.  There are many others who have talked about a realignment of priorities.  Learning that while we may be staring at our own mortality, sort of like staring at the sun.  There is also a reawakening for some.  

    We are not our labels...yuet, labels can help us redefine and focus on our personal reason for existence.  

    Peace to you and yours,

    Art

  • Lisa2012
    Lisa2012 Member Posts: 142
    Together in Sorrow

    Phil,

    I joined this board on your suggestion and have come to know and care about so many.  We are a cyber family and that is why this affects all of us so deeply.  I will pray for you CT results and your CEA to come back good.  Take the time you need to grieve for Joe and Ted.  And then get back in the fight, you know that is what they would have wanted.

    Good luck tomorrow

    Lisa

  • khl8
    khl8 Member Posts: 807
    Wishing you the best

    I wish you the best on your test results and pray you receive good news.  I became close to Joe on facebook and like you am feeling his passing.  I only live an hour an a half from him and we never had the chance to meet in person, we couldn't get our schedules synced. 

    While the pain of losing so many is difficult, there are many of us who are surviving and winning this battle, try and remeber that when you are feeling down. 

  • Cathleen Mary
    Cathleen Mary Member Posts: 827
    khl8 said:

    Wishing you the best

    I wish you the best on your test results and pray you receive good news.  I became close to Joe on facebook and like you am feeling his passing.  I only live an hour an a half from him and we never had the chance to meet in person, we couldn't get our schedules synced. 

    While the pain of losing so many is difficult, there are many of us who are surviving and winning this battle, try and remeber that when you are feeling down. 

    Phil,
    The death of our CSN

    Phil,

    The death of our CSN friends is hard. it is amazing how strong  the connection is with people we have never met in person. Joe's death seemed unexpected because he had so recently posted on FB. I have found the quickness of death of some of our members very disconcerting. We cry with you, Phil. We also look forward to hearing good news from your scan and CEA.  Someone said "Joy and sorrow live in the same house."

    We'll be thinking of you tomorrow.

    CM

  • janderson1964
    janderson1964 Member Posts: 2,215
    Phil you expressed my

    Phil you expressed my feelings perfectly as of late. I couldnt agree with you more about ALL of the tragic losses and how hard it is to stay positive about your own situation. I feel the same way. Sometimes i try to stay away from here for that reason but then i feel an obligation to share my experiences and help others here through my experiences. I will keep you in my prayers. BTW i am right behind you on scanning. I have my first ct since my recent recurrence on 5/16 and results on 5/21.

  • Trubrit
    Trubrit Member Posts: 5,625 Member

    Phil you expressed my

    Phil you expressed my feelings perfectly as of late. I couldnt agree with you more about ALL of the tragic losses and how hard it is to stay positive about your own situation. I feel the same way. Sometimes i try to stay away from here for that reason but then i feel an obligation to share my experiences and help others here through my experiences. I will keep you in my prayers. BTW i am right behind you on scanning. I have my first ct since my recent recurrence on 5/16 and results on 5/21.

    We have to overlook our own feeling sometimes

     Sometimes i try to stay away from here for that reason but then i feel an obligation to share my experiences and help others here through my experiences.

    This is the proof of true strenght, and so many of us are here, who continue to work through our pain and fear so that we can help others. 

    I have 'kept away' several times, after members have passed, or there were posts about recurrence, something that frightens me, but when push comes to shove, I come back, because I think how hard it would have been if I, as a new member here, had not had you, strong members, sharing your knowledge, faith.

    This past few weeks, the forum has been terribly quiet, and I worry for our new members, the ones that need us; that need us to bully through our own fears so that we can help them. 

    Darn! My brain must be asleep, as I'm not saying this is well as I want to. 

    So Jeff, Phil I am so glad that you are here, even when you're hurting through the loss of our friends. 

  • LindaK.
    LindaK. Member Posts: 506 Member
    Ditto

    I feel the same way.  It is hard to hear sad news, especially about people who fought so hard.  My husband is just starting his 2nd round of chemo.  Doctors are optimistic so I am too.  He said to me yesterday "This may be my last summer so it's time for you to get your head out of the sand" which really shocked me.  I did not react or cry, I just said "That was pretty mean". 

    I am all too aware of the seriousness of the stage IV diagnosis and the estimated life expectancy.  It just hurt that he said that to me, the one closest to the situation.  I keep wondering how much more sadness I can take, but I have to keep plugging away, as we all do!  He's having a scan next week so we'll find out Wednesday if this new chemo is doing anything. 

    Linda

  • janderson1964
    janderson1964 Member Posts: 2,215
    Trubrit said:

    We have to overlook our own feeling sometimes

     Sometimes i try to stay away from here for that reason but then i feel an obligation to share my experiences and help others here through my experiences.

    This is the proof of true strenght, and so many of us are here, who continue to work through our pain and fear so that we can help others. 

    I have 'kept away' several times, after members have passed, or there were posts about recurrence, something that frightens me, but when push comes to shove, I come back, because I think how hard it would have been if I, as a new member here, had not had you, strong members, sharing your knowledge, faith.

    This past few weeks, the forum has been terribly quiet, and I worry for our new members, the ones that need us; that need us to bully through our own fears so that we can help them. 

    Darn! My brain must be asleep, as I'm not saying this is well as I want to. 

    So Jeff, Phil I am so glad that you are here, even when you're hurting through the loss of our friends. 

    Sue I think you have been

    Sue I think you have been great for this forum lately with your positive fighting attitude. Especially in the face of recurrence. I always appreaciate your posts.

  • janderson1964
    janderson1964 Member Posts: 2,215
    LindaK. said:

    Ditto

    I feel the same way.  It is hard to hear sad news, especially about people who fought so hard.  My husband is just starting his 2nd round of chemo.  Doctors are optimistic so I am too.  He said to me yesterday "This may be my last summer so it's time for you to get your head out of the sand" which really shocked me.  I did not react or cry, I just said "That was pretty mean". 

    I am all too aware of the seriousness of the stage IV diagnosis and the estimated life expectancy.  It just hurt that he said that to me, the one closest to the situation.  I keep wondering how much more sadness I can take, but I have to keep plugging away, as we all do!  He's having a scan next week so we'll find out Wednesday if this new chemo is doing anything. 

    Linda

    Linda, I understand where

    Linda, I understand where your husband is coming from. Sometimes I feel like saying those same words to my wife but I have to believe in myself to keep going until another treatment comes along. There are several encouraging trials out there. I also have to believe in my heart that like you my wife really knows how serious it could get. We are all very strong people. We have no choice dealing with such a devastating disease so when you say how much saddness can you take. I believe that you have already handled more saddness then you ever could of imagined before cancer invaded your life so you will continue to do so as we all will. Please let us know how your husbands scan turns out.

  • Phil64
    Phil64 Member Posts: 838
    THANK YOU

    Thank you all! For being you! For being so courageous in this war against cancer. For being so faithful. For sharing your knowledge and experiences. And sharing your happy news and sad. And for being so encouraging and supportive.

    You truly are wonderful people.

    You know you are!!!

     

    I have good results today.  My scan was clear and my CEA continues to stay under 1.0.  Whoo hooo. Celebration time this weekend. Praise be to God!

     

    I know that Joe is in paradise.  He was a faithful and good man. And he is shining bright today.

     

    Thank you all again. I truly do appreciate each of you. And my best thoughts and prayers for peace and healing and love are with you all today.

  • jen2012
    jen2012 Member Posts: 1,607 Member
    Phil64 said:

    THANK YOU

    Thank you all! For being you! For being so courageous in this war against cancer. For being so faithful. For sharing your knowledge and experiences. And sharing your happy news and sad. And for being so encouraging and supportive.

    You truly are wonderful people.

    You know you are!!!

     

    I have good results today.  My scan was clear and my CEA continues to stay under 1.0.  Whoo hooo. Celebration time this weekend. Praise be to God!

     

    I know that Joe is in paradise.  He was a faithful and good man. And he is shining bright today.

     

    Thank you all again. I truly do appreciate each of you. And my best thoughts and prayers for peace and healing and love are with you all today.

    excellent news!!

    So glad to hear your excellent news!  I bet that will make Mothers Day extra special for your wife.  

    I bet Joe and Tedd are smiling down at your good news.

  • janderson1964
    janderson1964 Member Posts: 2,215
    Phil64 said:

    THANK YOU

    Thank you all! For being you! For being so courageous in this war against cancer. For being so faithful. For sharing your knowledge and experiences. And sharing your happy news and sad. And for being so encouraging and supportive.

    You truly are wonderful people.

    You know you are!!!

     

    I have good results today.  My scan was clear and my CEA continues to stay under 1.0.  Whoo hooo. Celebration time this weekend. Praise be to God!

     

    I know that Joe is in paradise.  He was a faithful and good man. And he is shining bright today.

     

    Thank you all again. I truly do appreciate each of you. And my best thoughts and prayers for peace and healing and love are with you all today.

    Great news Phil. Thanks for

    Great news Phil. Thanks for sharing.

  • Sundanceh
    Sundanceh Member Posts: 4,392 Member

    Great news Phil. Thanks for

    Great news Phil. Thanks for sharing.

    :)

    great news!

  • LindaK.
    LindaK. Member Posts: 506 Member
    Phil64 said:

    THANK YOU

    Thank you all! For being you! For being so courageous in this war against cancer. For being so faithful. For sharing your knowledge and experiences. And sharing your happy news and sad. And for being so encouraging and supportive.

    You truly are wonderful people.

    You know you are!!!

     

    I have good results today.  My scan was clear and my CEA continues to stay under 1.0.  Whoo hooo. Celebration time this weekend. Praise be to God!

     

    I know that Joe is in paradise.  He was a faithful and good man. And he is shining bright today.

     

    Thank you all again. I truly do appreciate each of you. And my best thoughts and prayers for peace and healing and love are with you all today.

    Great!

    Thanks for sharing your good news, it lifts us all up!

    Enjoy your weekend!!