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Sad man rambling

Phil64's picture
Phil64
Posts: 837
Joined: Apr 2012

I just re-read several of my emails on CSN.  I really didn't email many people directly.  The two I most often communicated with were joemetz and tachilders.  They were both my age and geographically close to where I live. They both had larger families like myself. We were hoping to meet f2f (as I read in our emails). 

Both Joe and Ted have passed away (Joe this week and Ted several weeks ago).  And I am sad and angry and confused.

I remember Craig writing about how hard it has been for him to meet people on this forum and then see them pass away.  Well Craig, I'm remembering what you said and relating to it now.

It is very hard to see people die from this ugly disease. To think about how young they were and their children they are leaving behind. So much life to live. This is so sad to me. I'm feeling an emptiness in my gut and holding back tears right now.

And it's tough to stay positive about my own prognosis when faced with others succumbing to this disease.

Tomorrow I'm going in to receive CT Scan results and to take another CEA test. You all know the anxiety when facing tests... 

I will try and keep a positive outlook and continue to FIGHT in memory of Joe and Ted AND for my family and myself. 

And I'll remind myself that Joe and Ted and others who have passed are in a good place! With abundant Love and Light.

Wiping a tear from my eye.

Philip

Trubrit's picture
Trubrit
Posts: 5417
Joined: Jan 2013

It is painful when we see our forum friends pass. Painful because we weep for them and their families, and painful because we so don't want to be the next one. We want to be the one that 'stays alive' that 'makes it through' that 'gets the miracle'. 

Yesterday, as I was listening to the Bee Gees sing 'Micacles Happen' I couldn't help but weep for Robin Gibb, knowing that the miracle didn't happen for him (He passed from Colon Cancer). 

I weep for those that have passed, but I have to stop weeping and return my gut back to calmness, for my own health and well being. 

Weep for Joe and Ted. Weep for Doc Hawk and Vicklilg. Weep for them all, but then take a deep breath and come back to the moment. The moment where you need to take care of yourself. 

I will think of you tomorrow. I will think how happy you will be when the CT scan is clear. I will think of you until you get your CEA results. 

We'll pass the tissues once more for our friends.

Blessings Phillip. 

Sundanceh's picture
Sundanceh
Posts: 4408
Joined: Jun 2009

And I'm sorry you're experiencing that now....

They will be alive as long as you keep their memory alive inside you.  Hang in there, man.

I understand what you are feeling.....I watched several hundred people pass away up here over the years.....it's very difficiult to handle sometimes.

I'm glad you were able to share time with them though; that is priceless......always keep that in mind:)

-Craig

marbleotis's picture
marbleotis
Posts: 714
Joined: Mar 2012

I have the same feelings, when someone who helped so much on the site passes and you read about them on fb or caring bridge - you cannot help the tears flowing.  I read Joe's fb and realized i am 1 year older.......and then the tears.........

I worked with a really nice person named Steve.  He had prostate cancer that went to his liver.  He passed away this past Oct.  He helped me alot after my Dx with CC. 

What I started doing is an extra 5 min on the treadmill or an extra 5 lbs on the weights or an extra walk during the day in honor of each person that I read about.  I say I am doing it for them because they cannot.

I am blessed to still be here so I need to fight extra hard.

It also taught me to appreciate every minute of every day because no one gets a do-over!

I will be keeping good thoughts for your CT and CEA.  Please keep us posted.

Tears still flow, but I try to turn the sad into a positive

 

jen2012
Posts: 1607
Joined: Aug 2012

Definitely understand where you are coming from.  Too many losses and its so sad and scary.   Others have given good advice and I don't have any to add, but just wanted to let you know I get it.  

 

Good luck tomorrow Phil.  We need some good news here and look forward to getting it from you.

 

UncleBuddy
Posts: 1019
Joined: Aug 2013

I hope your tests come back great!

Lin

Annabelle41415's picture
Annabelle41415
Posts: 6694
Joined: Feb 2009

Yes it is so hard and sad to see the people on here pass.  As if one day they are posting and the next we find they have passed.  We have grown to know so many people on this board without actually meeting them.  It's a sad day when anyone passes.  It's harder on the ones they leave behind because the one person they knew or loved is gone.  Wishing you the best for your scan results tomorrow and CEA test.  Please let us know how it goes.  Praying for you.

Kim

fatbob2010's picture
fatbob2010
Posts: 467
Joined: May 2012

Your right Phillip, this has been a hard year for many of us.  There have been losses that struck our hearts and left us with no way to get closure with these important cyber friends.  Yet we have learned a great deal from them in the time we had together.  

I, for instance, have rededicated myself to being the best husband, father and grandfather I can possibly be.  There are many others who have talked about a realignment of priorities.  Learning that while we may be staring at our own mortality, sort of like staring at the sun.  There is also a reawakening for some.  

We are not our labels...yuet, labels can help us redefine and focus on our personal reason for existence.  

Peace to you and yours,

Art

Lisa2012's picture
Lisa2012
Posts: 142
Joined: Feb 2014

Phil,

I joined this board on your suggestion and have come to know and care about so many.  We are a cyber family and that is why this affects all of us so deeply.  I will pray for you CT results and your CEA to come back good.  Take the time you need to grieve for Joe and Ted.  And then get back in the fight, you know that is what they would have wanted.

Good luck tomorrow

Lisa

khl8
Posts: 810
Joined: Nov 2009

I wish you the best on your test results and pray you receive good news.  I became close to Joe on facebook and like you am feeling his passing.  I only live an hour an a half from him and we never had the chance to meet in person, we couldn't get our schedules synced. 

While the pain of losing so many is difficult, there are many of us who are surviving and winning this battle, try and remeber that when you are feeling down. 

Cathleen Mary
Posts: 827
Joined: May 2011

Phil,

The death of our CSN friends is hard. it is amazing how strong  the connection is with people we have never met in person. Joe's death seemed unexpected because he had so recently posted on FB. I have found the quickness of death of some of our members very disconcerting. We cry with you, Phil. We also look forward to hearing good news from your scan and CEA.  Someone said "Joy and sorrow live in the same house."

We'll be thinking of you tomorrow.

CM

janderson1964
Posts: 2215
Joined: Oct 2011

Phil you expressed my feelings perfectly as of late. I couldnt agree with you more about ALL of the tragic losses and how hard it is to stay positive about your own situation. I feel the same way. Sometimes i try to stay away from here for that reason but then i feel an obligation to share my experiences and help others here through my experiences. I will keep you in my prayers. BTW i am right behind you on scanning. I have my first ct since my recent recurrence on 5/16 and results on 5/21.

Trubrit's picture
Trubrit
Posts: 5417
Joined: Jan 2013

 Sometimes i try to stay away from here for that reason but then i feel an obligation to share my experiences and help others here through my experiences.

This is the proof of true strenght, and so many of us are here, who continue to work through our pain and fear so that we can help others. 

I have 'kept away' several times, after members have passed, or there were posts about recurrence, something that frightens me, but when push comes to shove, I come back, because I think how hard it would have been if I, as a new member here, had not had you, strong members, sharing your knowledge, faith.

This past few weeks, the forum has been terribly quiet, and I worry for our new members, the ones that need us; that need us to bully through our own fears so that we can help them. 

Darn! My brain must be asleep, as I'm not saying this is well as I want to. 

So Jeff, Phil I am so glad that you are here, even when you're hurting through the loss of our friends. 

janderson1964
Posts: 2215
Joined: Oct 2011

Sue I think you have been great for this forum lately with your positive fighting attitude. Especially in the face of recurrence. I always appreaciate your posts.

LindaK.
Posts: 502
Joined: Apr 2013

I feel the same way.  It is hard to hear sad news, especially about people who fought so hard.  My husband is just starting his 2nd round of chemo.  Doctors are optimistic so I am too.  He said to me yesterday "This may be my last summer so it's time for you to get your head out of the sand" which really shocked me.  I did not react or cry, I just said "That was pretty mean". 

I am all too aware of the seriousness of the stage IV diagnosis and the estimated life expectancy.  It just hurt that he said that to me, the one closest to the situation.  I keep wondering how much more sadness I can take, but I have to keep plugging away, as we all do!  He's having a scan next week so we'll find out Wednesday if this new chemo is doing anything. 

Linda

janderson1964
Posts: 2215
Joined: Oct 2011

Linda, I understand where your husband is coming from. Sometimes I feel like saying those same words to my wife but I have to believe in myself to keep going until another treatment comes along. There are several encouraging trials out there. I also have to believe in my heart that like you my wife really knows how serious it could get. We are all very strong people. We have no choice dealing with such a devastating disease so when you say how much saddness can you take. I believe that you have already handled more saddness then you ever could of imagined before cancer invaded your life so you will continue to do so as we all will. Please let us know how your husbands scan turns out.

LindaK.
Posts: 502
Joined: Apr 2013

for the kind words.  You are 100% correct.  I hate cancer and what it has done to my family.  My brother in law was in treatment yesterday in the same place we were.  He is getting his cells harvested for a transplant.  He keeps on fighting every day.  He now has to wait for a bed for the transplant when he will be inpatient for 21-30 days.  At the same hospital, his (my BIL) 2nd cousin who is 7 years old is fighting leukemia for the 2nd time in her short innocent life.  There are so many people in bad shape who keep fighting.  I think my husband realizes this, too, but he has to vent to someone and I realize that will probably always be me.  I can take it, but when he made that comment to me yesterday, I was hurt.  

Here's to better days for all of us....

Linda 

UncleBuddy
Posts: 1019
Joined: Aug 2013

It sounds like he's trying to cope and prepare himself, just in case. I'm sure he doesn't mean to hurt you. I guess he just needs to blow off some steam.

My brother, when I remind him that he needs to watch his diet for salt content (he almost died because he had fluid around the heart), will tell me that he's gotta live and when it's his time it's his time. It really hurts me, too, because I feel like I'm putting my life on hold to help him and he doesn't even want to help himself. Then I think about it and realize that he says what he says as a way to cope with his illness. Sometimes we just need to let them vent and say what they're feeling. 

Anyway, try not to be discouraged. Keep hoping. As I tell my brother, none of us are born with an expiration date on the bottom of our feet.

Lin

LindaK.
Posts: 502
Joined: Apr 2013

Looks like we'll be getting that scan early Sunday am since we are in the ED.  BP tanked tonight after vomiting and diarrhea so to the hospital we went.  Low white counts also so he's getting cipro and flagyl.  Waiting for oncology and to start contrast for scan.  He's had a few doses of anti nausea so jopefully he can drink some of that contrast and kep it down.  Very sleepy from phenergan.  I hope we get an answer on the lymph nodes .  Doctor here wants to rule out bowel obstruction too.  Sure hoping it's not that again.  Ugh :-(

Phil64's picture
Phil64
Posts: 837
Joined: Apr 2012

Thank you all! For being you! For being so courageous in this war against cancer. For being so faithful. For sharing your knowledge and experiences. And sharing your happy news and sad. And for being so encouraging and supportive.

You truly are wonderful people.

You know you are!!!

 

I have good results today.  My scan was clear and my CEA continues to stay under 1.0.  Whoo hooo. Celebration time this weekend. Praise be to God!

 

I know that Joe is in paradise.  He was a faithful and good man. And he is shining bright today.

 

Thank you all again. I truly do appreciate each of you. And my best thoughts and prayers for peace and healing and love are with you all today.

jen2012
Posts: 1607
Joined: Aug 2012

So glad to hear your excellent news!  I bet that will make Mothers Day extra special for your wife.  

I bet Joe and Tedd are smiling down at your good news.

janderson1964
Posts: 2215
Joined: Oct 2011

Great news Phil. Thanks for sharing.

Sundanceh's picture
Sundanceh
Posts: 4408
Joined: Jun 2009

great news!

LindaK.
Posts: 502
Joined: Apr 2013

Thanks for sharing your good news, it lifts us all up!

Enjoy your weekend!!

Trubrit's picture
Trubrit
Posts: 5417
Joined: Jan 2013

 Dancing Man dance

 Spinny Man spin

 Cheering Girl Cheer

Celebrate and celebrate again

 I raise my glass to health and happiness for many a good year. 

OK, so that was more than one; but what can I say, I'm HAPPY!

 

UncleBuddy
Posts: 1019
Joined: Aug 2013

So glad to hear this good news! 

Lin

annalexandria's picture
annalexandria
Posts: 2573
Joined: Oct 2011

Phil, you just provided the other, brighter, side of being part of a cancer board like this.  Along with the sadness, we can share hope as well.

Those bright moments help light up a dark path.

Lisa2012's picture
Lisa2012
Posts: 142
Joined: Feb 2014

Phil,

so happy that you are doing so well.  I first saw the news on your blog.  I love your blog.  Hopefully you have a great weekend planned, you have much to celebrate.

Lisa

saussureainvolucrata's picture
saussureainvolucrata
Posts: 54
Joined: May 2013

Dear Phil,

 

Here's another person feeling so happy for your good news! 

carrieh's picture
carrieh
Posts: 146
Joined: May 2012

Congrats Phil!!! That is exciting, fabulous, splendid news! 

Carrie

relaxoutdoors08
Posts: 520
Joined: May 2011

Thank you for being here for us. Glad to hear the great news.

Momof2plusteentwins's picture
Momof2plusteentwins
Posts: 508
Joined: May 2012

I know how you feel. I joined the same month as you and so many friends on here have passed. It gets harder and harder as more friends pass. I am also the same age as you and have 4 children and I am expecting my twin grand baby girls in a couple weeks. It is so sad that cancer takes so many people with so much to live for. I am also stage IV and I want to live for so many things for years. Joe and so many others just stay on my mind, so sad.
Sandy

Helen321's picture
Helen321
Posts: 1424
Joined: May 2012

I didn't know about Jmetz. I thought he was doing well  I'm so completely sad and confused. I started crying so I haven't read the post yet. Joe was such a caring person. He really helped me get a grip quite a few times.

sharpy102's picture
sharpy102
Posts: 370
Joined: Apr 2009

@Phil64: I lurk around and honestly, I have no experience...but I lurk around because I joined this site when my Mom was sick, and I felt I lost everything...then I realized I still have a family...right here!!! And sometimes I come up and complain, other times I come up to share something good, other times just yelp in how it was with my Mom at a time to something they ask. And people take what they take from there. Some people might just log off as soon as they see me replying (BWAHAHA *evil laugh*), others might read on, and others might even comment back to me. But I'm like an old dog....cannot leave its owner. So I just lurk around. When I hear some of the members passed on whom I got to know, my heart breaks...but just a little...I don't let it break too hard. They would be unhappy to see that. Instead, that night I whisper to my Mom to go find them and make something yummy for them! Welcome them....I'm sure they have a big party up there, so we should not be sad, but happy for them! They are not suffering anymore here, but are free of pain, meeting up with their other relatives who have gone before them, and even bump into new people, just as we bump into each other here without ever in life meeting in person and knowing each other. So, heads up, and trudge along! You have duty here, do it! Be strong! :) I'll lurk around and push you a bit if needs to be. :)
All the best!
'the pushie one' :)

Chelsea71
Posts: 1170
Joined: Sep 2012

Great news Phil.  It's such an overwhelming feeling when people here post about running out of options or when we learn that someone has lost their battle....makes it all seem so real.  These feelings for me were always amplified during times that Steve and I were facing an upcoming scan.  

I'm so happy that you got good news.  I hope you really live it up this weekend.  All any of us can do is to focus on today.  Right now, you have a lot to celebrate and I'm sure that's exactly what Tedd and Joe would want you to do.  They would probably want you to have a beer and a big steak!

ron50's picture
ron50
Posts: 1729
Joined: Nov 2001

  I guess this post is pretty well about what this site is all about. I don't know how many friends I have come to know and lose in the past sixteen years . But it is not all about death . Take yourself it is about renewal. Someone you know and respect is lost and with it goes a large store of your positive feelings. Then with a sad heart you go to a set of tests knowing that you may well be doomed. But you aren't ,the tests are good and clear and the positive karma floods back stronger than ever and you are ready for the next episode of life. I like to think of how happy your departed friends would be that you were alive and kicking and doing ok.  Stay well mate and look forward. Ron.

Kathleen808's picture
Kathleen808
Posts: 2361
Joined: Jan 2009

Fabulous news Phil!  Thank you for sharing with us both the good news and your heart break.   I have cried many tears for dear friends we have lost on this board.  I am so grateful for each one. 

Aloha,

Kathleen

angelsbaby's picture
angelsbaby
Posts: 1171
Joined: May 2008

im still sad for everyone take care

 

michelle

tootsie1's picture
tootsie1
Posts: 5065
Joined: Feb 2008

It really is hard to lose those who've become so special to us. I'm sorry for your pain.

 

*hugs*

Gail

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