Having myself a little pity party here.
Wow, I am in some kind of mood lately. I am tired. I am stressed. I am sad. It's been one heck of a year and things fell into place for us to sell our home and move to another one that would financially be a much better option. We are packing and willl move Jan. 3. Well, you all know how dang stressful that is and the negotiations can get very ugly! Our realtor is a friend (not a good idea) and she is the sweetest person you'd ever meet. Sweet isn't always good when doing deals in real estate...know what I mean? It's Christmas time (our favorite time) and all of this "unsettled" feeling is causing even more stress. Top it off...our dog dies (very suddenly) last Thursday and so throw total heart break into the mix. Our oldest is home from college and probably wonders why he came home to this mess! Hubby and I are tense and arguing over stupid things. It's rough.
My pity party is this...I am tired. My energy is NOT what it used to be and my family can't seem to understand that. I have always been the one to handle EVERYTHING. When I was recovering from surgery this house basically fell apart. My first item of business when I felt better was to start cleaning. It was a DISASTER...my hubby even said "we are NOT good housekeepers, huh?" I love him. He is an awesome man, but his understanding of how I feel (mentally and physically) is NOT there. They (meaning my hubby and my kids) seem to think that I'm totally fine now and should be right back to normal. They can't seem to understand that things have changed for me...physically, emotionally and mentally. I try to explain it to them, but they look at me in a way that says they obviously don't get it. Since deemed "cancer free" they don't understand why I'm tired. They don't understand why I break out in tears over my new teeth rubbing sores in my mouth. They don't understand how frustrating it is that my new teeth give me a huge speech impediment. They don't understand how hard it is for me to eat a normal meal, or why it takes me so long. They don't understand why I still have to gag and spit every single morning and night and why I'm neurotic about my dental care. They don't understand why it still hurts to lay flat in the bed and I prefer to sleep propped up on the couch. They don't understand why I have to change shirts 5 times, and I get irritated, to find one that won't irritate my neck and scars. It's like cancer never happened, in their eyes, and I'm over reacting to things. I don't think they truly understand how it has changed EVERYTHING in my life. I said the other day "it was almost exactly a year ago that they found the tumor in my jaw" and the reply was "I'm so glad all that's over now and we can get back to normal". They just don't know that "normal" is something different now.
I had to just get this all out of my system. I know you guys "get it" more than anyone else. It's very frustrating living with all men sometimes! 
I just feel like I need a minute's compassion. I truly wish you all a very Merry Christmas and I wish for you all some understanding and kindness!
Comments
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I've been there, and still there
Tracy, I think what you are experiencing personally, is completely normal. Others by human nature when they hear NED or cancer free means you and the family immediately return back to where things were before cancer. Your family needs to understand that your "new normal" is different. They also must understand that when you took care of everything in the past, some things you previously did, will need to be delegated to others.
Im going through treatment now, and occasionally will have to remind my kids, I'm exhausted so you clean the house, or you take out the trash.
Hang in there and Merry Christmas
Mike
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This isn't a pity-party....
this is plea for somebody to HEAR ME!!! What would happen if you printed off what you wrote here, and handed it to your husband to read.....all in one sitting? There are things in your list that don't have to be understood so much as simply "accepted".....like your teeth hurting, like laying in bed is painful, like finding a shirt that doesn't hurt to wear.....The things that need to be understood by all are you have to eat slow...so if you aren't done with dinner when they all are, fine.....you'd much rather eat slow (in peace), than feel rushed and choke. Your energy level is going to take some time to get back.....like a year to a year and a half after treatment (not after diagnosis, but the end of treatment)....so you have a ways to go before you're going to feel more like your old self in that department. I'm still not back to where I once was, and I'm almost a year and a half out.
Buying a new house and moving is stressful and exhausting under the best of circumstances.....I really feel for you on this....I don't know how you're doing it, honest to gawd. Throw kids coming home and losing the pup....well, I think that calls for a day off (I know you don't feel like you can with the move), but honestly one day is not going to put you behind much.....a day of naps, reading, sending every one off to do their own thing.....
If there was one thing I could have a second chance at, it would be to comiserate with my mom after she had a laryngectomy and radiation to her head and neck. I truly didn't get it back then about her having to eat slow, or why she didn't eat very much.....I honestly didn't get that once rads and surgery were over, that she didn't pop back to her normal self, at least energy wise. Now I know, and I regret that 1) I didn't understand....and 2) she never said how tired she was. We didn't push her, but still.....I didn't understand what was going on.
p
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one day at a time
Tracy,
I remember the day you said you were done with rads, no more! I'd like to think we here gave you the encouragement to keep going. You made it through like a trooper! Today, we find another bridge to cross on the road to recovery and the new "normal". Getting through the next few weeks and month are going to be stressful yet you been there, done that so you can get through this again.
One day at a time. Try to define some goal for the day, make it really small if feeling the pressure of the world on your shoulders, make it a bit bigger if the sun is shining and you feel some spring in your step. You need to focus on what you can control and try to avoid and minimize negative energy around that is not helpful.
One day at a time. In no time Christmas day will be behind you, kid back to school, boxes packed and waiting to be unpacked in your new home, some side effects will fade and you'll feel better and less aches and pains.
One day a a time. The sun will feel warm and soothing as you sit hestled in your chair in your new home, admiring all the boxes gone and things having found a new place in your new home. That day will arrive in no time - remember how much longer the journey has be so far, hitting that next milestone on the road to recovery is a whole lot closer.
One day at a time. Think about what you do have and what you have achieved yourself in the past year.
Happy holidays,
Don
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You are entitled
I can definitely understand where you are coming from. While it isn't me that has cancer, but my husband, I see some of what you are talking about. I do understand the low energy, the pain, not being able to eat as fast as everyone else. I see these things and more daily in my husband. I also understand about your children. We have grown children and they seem to think that everything is going well with their father and it isn't. He is terminal something that just don't grasp that because it has been a slow process. Even his siblings. We rarely hear from them to see how he is doing. They always say when we do hear from them come see us. Four to five hours away, sorry but he isn't up to the ride.
I think at times that family and friends turn a blind eye to exactly what is going on. I have said all along that I am only along for the ride but will help all I can and do what is necessary, just wish that family members would do the same. And I am afraid that if ever I am diagnosed with cancer, after watching what my husband has gone thru, that I couldn't or wouldn't go thru the necessary treatment.
I know that all cancer patients go thru so much, and the majority of caregivers too. I just wish that family members and friends would be there for the patients and caregivers because their help, love and understanding is much needed.
Wishing you the best -- Sharon
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Don hit on a good ruledonfoo said:one day at a time
Tracy,
I remember the day you said you were done with rads, no more! I'd like to think we here gave you the encouragement to keep going. You made it through like a trooper! Today, we find another bridge to cross on the road to recovery and the new "normal". Getting through the next few weeks and month are going to be stressful yet you been there, done that so you can get through this again.
One day at a time. Try to define some goal for the day, make it really small if feeling the pressure of the world on your shoulders, make it a bit bigger if the sun is shining and you feel some spring in your step. You need to focus on what you can control and try to avoid and minimize negative energy around that is not helpful.
One day at a time. In no time Christmas day will be behind you, kid back to school, boxes packed and waiting to be unpacked in your new home, some side effects will fade and you'll feel better and less aches and pains.
One day a a time. The sun will feel warm and soothing as you sit hestled in your chair in your new home, admiring all the boxes gone and things having found a new place in your new home. That day will arrive in no time - remember how much longer the journey has be so far, hitting that next milestone on the road to recovery is a whole lot closer.
One day at a time. Think about what you do have and what you have achieved yourself in the past year.
Happy holidays,
Don
of life that even tho I have pushed it, I still have a hard time remembering it....One day at a time!! Do what is in front of you this day, and let the tomorrows take care of themselves. You will get moved, kids will go back to school, your new house will give you warmth and safety to get to your new self.....it will all happen, but only one day at a time.
Good one, Don!!
p
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if your not bleeding your ok
this often seems to be the attitude many people have. you have disrupted my life and i'm glad your ok, now back to me. this is not a bad thing, they expect more understanding from you than you understandedly expect from them. another thing that is hard to change in the human condition0 -
Tracydonfoo said:one day at a time
Tracy,
I remember the day you said you were done with rads, no more! I'd like to think we here gave you the encouragement to keep going. You made it through like a trooper! Today, we find another bridge to cross on the road to recovery and the new "normal". Getting through the next few weeks and month are going to be stressful yet you been there, done that so you can get through this again.
One day at a time. Try to define some goal for the day, make it really small if feeling the pressure of the world on your shoulders, make it a bit bigger if the sun is shining and you feel some spring in your step. You need to focus on what you can control and try to avoid and minimize negative energy around that is not helpful.
One day at a time. In no time Christmas day will be behind you, kid back to school, boxes packed and waiting to be unpacked in your new home, some side effects will fade and you'll feel better and less aches and pains.
One day a a time. The sun will feel warm and soothing as you sit hestled in your chair in your new home, admiring all the boxes gone and things having found a new place in your new home. That day will arrive in no time - remember how much longer the journey has be so far, hitting that next milestone on the road to recovery is a whole lot closer.
One day at a time. Think about what you do have and what you have achieved yourself in the past year.
Happy holidays,
Don
In the scheme of things, it is only a small thing to offer but personally, I notice a big change in my energy level with just 1 Ensure every morning. You have allot of reasons for emotions to run high. My husband has been a saint with caring for me and being compasionate. Yet, recently, he started having health issues of his own and I easily lose patience. I feel horrible for it but my emotions are much different now. I know my cancer center offers counseling at no charge. I haven't taken advantage of it, so can't speak from experience, but, you may want to look into that type of help. I am sad that you and your young family are having to cross these bridges.
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Still Struggling
I'm still struggling with similar issues, kinda sorta....
I'm nearly five years out...
I still struggle with fatigue at times, I'm more sensitive about some things than I used to be....., stress gets me more at times than in the past... Definitely more anxiety over aches, pains, etc...
But my reminder is my wife... She seems to grasp it and understand it better than I do.
I am at the pace I used to be for the most part, as best I can be...
I work full time, plus extra..., I fish nearly every week-end, keep up the yard work, pool, cars, etc..., keep the wife happy with outings, projects, and whatever else I can, stay up later than I should, the list goes on...
And I struggle to maintain that pace...
My wife is the one that reminds me all that I've been through, and endured when I complain of being tired, or just don't feel like I did back in the day.
Thoughts and prayers that you find peace, and that you and your family figure out the new you...
John
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Thank you all
so much! I knew I could at least get things off my chest here and you'd understand. I have NO idea what I would do without y'all!! It was such a blessing to find my CSN family. I need to focus more on "one day at a time". I printed the Serenity Prayer to read over and over.
Thank you all!
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I hear you
When I was undergoing treatment, I was on short-term disability for 3 months. Then, I switched to long term. Thank God my small company (35 people) provided both short and long term disability. After 5 months, I had to sign up for Soc. Sec Disablility. I was approved for it the same month I returned back to work part time. The following month, I worked fulltime, and my long term disability payments ended.
I called Soc Sec to let them know. Talked to a real nice lady. She asked me what I did after work BEFORE I had cancer. Made dinner (and actually ate it), did things with the kids (10 and 15 at the time) and husband. read, watched TV.
She asked what I did now - I said get up, go to work, give home, eat (?) something and go to bed. She said - honey - your still disabled!
She was right. I purposely decided NOT to get involved in anything (including school functions) to let myself heal - I basically worked, ate(?), and slept. I took a vacation by myself that summer - went to CA to visit my mom and be pampered. It was a good year before I felt my new abi-normal self. Oh, and the anti-depresants the pc doc ordered did not help. I was so against them, but they certainly played a huge part in my recovery.
I pray that your family comes to understand, appreciate, and respect the new you.
Lorna
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Hmmm...
Tracey,
First of all...hang in there. It is NOT easy trying to move, let alone when you do not have the energy to do it. I have moved so much over the years! My husband was a builder/developer, and I was a Real Estate Agent (BEFORE the market tanked, we had moved ten times in twenty years
) I can't answer as to the fatigue of recently battling cancer (and WINNING the battle, which it seems as if you have 
), but I can tell you that if you go room by room, box by box, you will get packed up and be on your way in no time! Rest when you need to rest. Tomorrow will be another day to get more boxes packed up, and guess what...when push comes to shove, and moving day is fast approaching your family will most likely step up and help you. For myself...yes, I desparately want things to be 'back to normal'! BUT, as much as I push my hsuband, I would never let him falter. Trust in your family, they will have your back.Sending love and strength!
Jamie
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Oh Tracy !
Do I ever hear you on this one ! You are a little woman who has been through hell and back. I go out back once in awhile and scream to the sky....lol...seriously ! Take a breathe hon, and let the stress and choas flow around you. (not into you) All the things will fall into place, and you don't and I repeat don't have to keep it all together. I now tell my gang here, I get to stupidvisor....yeap stupidvisor. They look at me with the blank looks and then start laughing. Life is life Tracy, and it continues, that's the most important. Take care of you please ! And please vent away always here....believe me we've all been here and most are still trudging forward. Hugs sent ! Katie
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Bless your heart
our sweet little Tracey, I totally needed to hear all you have to say..TODAY!
I just discovered a sore on my gum, I think it's because of my denture rubbing, but, there's that nagging little scaryness, what if? I told my husband, and his reply " better make an appointment", no hug, words of comfort..? My main complaint is with him, he was my rock for 8 months and when I was NED, boom, back to normal for him. I will never be the same again, but, he doesn't get it!
Anyway, this is not about me, it's about you~~ everyone has said it so well, I'll just add, we love you, respect you, and are always here if you need us...
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Tracy, that's not having a
Tracy, that's not having a pitty party, that's saying what quite a few of us deal with daily. i understand that they haven't been in our shoes so it is hard for them to understand but that doesn't help us when we need a little understanding and comforting. None of us will ever be the same!!! It was/is very hard for us to accept so maybe that will help us to realize why it's so hard on our loved ones to understand, they didn't walk in our shoes. yes, they were there and they took care of us but they still DON'T UNDERSTAND the total hell we went thru. we are changed, not because we want to be, but b/c of what the damn cancer tx did to us. we cannot help the side effects we have to deal with daily, we can't make them go away b/c we don't like them. we HAVE to live with them the rest of our lives. i will be 2 years out from laryngectomy 2/28/14 and i still have a hard time accepting the new "norm" for me. friends and family seem to accept the new me but then they don't live it 24/7 like I do. I am always the last one to finishing eating, i have to clean my tube or suction all DAY LONG, i don't have the interest in things that I used to, don't have the energy I used to, I'm not even as outgoing and friendly as I used to be. that is the hardest for my family to accept. they say I'm not the same person I was b4 the surgery, that I'm not as nice or caring as I used to be. i don't know if I agree with them but they truly believe it. anyway, i just want to say that if they don't understand, they will have to start. in the meantime, you need to take care of YOU and when u need to vent, come here. we DO UNDERSTAND. you've been thru hell and are still on the recovery road. most people don't understand it takes YEARS to get to a new norm (we'll never be back to the old norm)! You know what you can and can't do so when you are tired and can't do anymore, then STOP! I'm praying that your family and friends will come to understand and be there for you. I'm sorrry you have so much going on right now but that will end soon and like Don said, you'll be in your new home and enjoying new things. Hang in there, Tracy, you've been thru a lot worse. Look at the road you have traveled and that will show you just how strong you are and how far you've come! In the meantime, take a deeeep breath and try to relax. It will all come together. Merry Christmas, Tracy, and a very happy and HEALTHY New Year!
God bless you,
dj
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Well...
thank you all for the kind, caring words. It looks like now, the house deal may not be happening. Things are falling apart on both ends and we are just stuck. What a way to end out a simply crappy year. Here's to next year being better all the way around.
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oh, tracy, i'm so sorry toTracyLynn72 said:Well...
thank you all for the kind, caring words. It looks like now, the house deal may not be happening. Things are falling apart on both ends and we are just stuck. What a way to end out a simply crappy year. Here's to next year being better all the way around.
oh, tracy, i'm so sorry to hear that. it seems like it just keeps raining for you. i'm praying that the deal works out and you can go ahead with the move as planned. i know you must be awful stressed, i hope get better so you can calm down. i wish i were close so i could hug you and tell you it will be ok. try to be strong and hang in there. i know you must be tired of always being strong too. here's a cyber hug ((( ))))), i hope you care feel the care and prayers coming thru that. have a Merry Christmas and hopefuly a MUCH better 2014!!
God bless you,
dj
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Amen!TracyLynn72 said:Well...
thank you all for the kind, caring words. It looks like now, the house deal may not be happening. Things are falling apart on both ends and we are just stuck. What a way to end out a simply crappy year. Here's to next year being better all the way around.
Cheers to 2014!
Don't fret...as much as it is hard right now, it is all meant to be, and will all sort itself out in the future (I want to literally stangle people when they say that to me
BUT, it really does work out...)I'm with DJ...sending cyber hugs. I hope you can feel them!!
Jamie
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Tracy
Yep.................I know exactly what you mean and I'm with Phran print your thoughts out and show him. Our families know the cargiver and supporting cast roll and God forbid they ever have to live the life of a cancer warrior. I don't wish it on my worst enemy. Cancer puts you through progressive life changes through the battle and learning to live with the scars. My old voice is still on my office phone and just the other day a person called who only knows me post cancer and remarked about my voice change. I had a more demanding voice back then and now I'm alive with a wimpy voice. We learn to live with the changes physically and mentally. Our families only have the mindset that the battle was won and back to normal. They have no idea what the (new) normal is other than what they can see and even then they have a tendency to over look those traits.
We are with you sister, and thats what we are here for. Club membership with a unique sense of style. Individually there is nobody like us. We will never be what we once were, we know it and have communicate it in a way others have to understand.
Heal on Tracy......................Mick Jaguar once said "You can't always get what ya want, but if you try sometime you just might find you get what ya need"
Things will work out.
Jeff
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