A question for women ....

7243
7243 Member Posts: 249 Member

Are you able to have comfortable, vaginal sex post treatment?  Really?  If so ... What helped you?  do u have vaginal stenosis?  Scars? How did u get beyond all this to get back sexual intimacy?  My perineum is so friable that it bleeds when I wipe to hard ... And I use gentle wet ones.   I need a frank, no **** discussion of your reality. Thanks!  That will help me ... I love my hubby...he is understanding, but I'm not sure I will ever be able to get where I was.  And I'm glad to be healthy ... But my and his and our sexuality  is important.   

Thsnks in advance .... U all inspire me!  Xo

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Comments

  • mp327
    mp327 Member Posts: 4,440 Member
    7243

    I used/use the dilators on a regular basis.  However, sex is more pain than pleasure.  Sorry to sound discouraging, but for me, it's what it is.

  • lp1964
    lp1964 Member Posts: 1,239 Member
    A male perspective.

    Just wanted to give you the view and support from the other gender group. I am a 48 year old male, recently married and just had a major surgery of rectum resection. This surgery often comes with impotency that mentally could be similar to the woman not being able to receive a man.

    Before the surgery I had a talk with my wife where we expressed this concern and talked about, that intimacy and sex is much more than intercourse. It's an attitude and a bunch of other acts. It's always keeping ourselves looking and behaving attractive, it's a passionate kiss, it's a smack on the butt, it's a hug, it's a tender touch, it's flirtatious talk, it's kissing and touching each other everywhere, there is gentle oral sex, it's a shared bubble bath, cooking a sexy meal and a romantic dinner, a massage etc. In today society we are obsessed with intercourse and getting off (often the men to blame) and forget about all the other very sexual things listed above.

    Relax and fill your life with more fun that you enjoy and can easily do.

    Laz

  • 7243
    7243 Member Posts: 249 Member
    lp1964 said:

    A male perspective.

    Just wanted to give you the view and support from the other gender group. I am a 48 year old male, recently married and just had a major surgery of rectum resection. This surgery often comes with impotency that mentally could be similar to the woman not being able to receive a man.

    Before the surgery I had a talk with my wife where we expressed this concern and talked about, that intimacy and sex is much more than intercourse. It's an attitude and a bunch of other acts. It's always keeping ourselves looking and behaving attractive, it's a passionate kiss, it's a smack on the butt, it's a hug, it's a tender touch, it's flirtatious talk, it's kissing and touching each other everywhere, there is gentle oral sex, it's a shared bubble bath, cooking a sexy meal and a romantic dinner, a massage etc. In today society we are obsessed with intercourse and getting off (often the men to blame) and forget about all the other very sexual things listed above.

    Relax and fill your life with more fun that you enjoy and can easily do.

    Laz

    Beautiful

    Laz ... Lovely.  I agree and so appreciate your sweet and thoughtful perspective.  like most on the site, I want to thrive on all levels ... Intimacy as well.  Fully agree it's not all about "intercourse" ...

    i was wondering how you were doing post surgery...how are you?  A big hug in your direction dear man.

    thank you for your perspective and for taking the time as you heal!  be well!  xo

  • 7243
    7243 Member Posts: 249 Member
    mp327 said:

    7243

    I used/use the dilators on a regular basis.  However, sex is more pain than pleasure.  Sorry to sound discouraging, but for me, it's what it is.

    Martha

    Thanks Martha ... Not discouraging, that's where I am too.  Xo my friend.

  • sephie
    sephie Member Posts: 650 Member
    i agree

    yes, sex is more pain than pleasure.... i use dilator every week 4 or more times......estrace cream,etc.... i am 4 years post tx.....sephie

  • Lorikat
    Lorikat Member Posts: 681 Member
    Two years out and the same.

    Two years out and the same.  I am glad Laz posted as my very understanding husband and I have had the same discussion.  I've done everything told and the pain is still there.  my spouse actually told me that no REAL lover would want to leave his partner bleeding and in pain.  Yet we are closer than ever and just "take our time".

     

  • TraceyUSA
    TraceyUSA Member Posts: 316
    No desire

    Frankly, I have zero desire to have or try sex after this.  The main reason is the HPV factor.  The answers to any questions I've asked preventing or treating the HPV that caused my cancer have not eased my fears.   I'm told most of the time your body cures itself of it ... obviously mine didn't.  I've read that the virus attaches to your DNA which tells me there's no way to get rid of it.  How do I know that my husband's body will always fight it if he hasn't got it by now.  I don't want to take any chances.  I'm also told that the same HPV strain that caused the anal cancer can also cause head and neck cancers so that kills the oral sex for me too.  I'm just scared of passing the virus to my husband or spreading it to another part of my body.  I'm very lucky to have an understanding husband.  I totally agree with Laz that there is more than the sexual intercourse to a good relationship.

  • Gulamin
    Gulamin Member Posts: 134
    It works but not as it used to

    Yes, I can relate. I have a loving husband too and am almost 3 years NED (checkup next month... keep fingers crossed). For us, it works. I am not in pain but have vaginal dryness. when I use a lubricant it works well. I am just not as into it as I used to.. somehow lost its magic... I am working on it. BUT, no pain for me.

  • cap630
    cap630 Member Posts: 151
    Women Cancer Sex

    Just started reading Women Cancer Sex by Anne Katz, RN, PhD hoping to find more insight.  Physical therapy with dialators really helped me too.  It is the lack of interest that is hardest.  We keep finding new ways to stay close.

  • 7243
    7243 Member Posts: 249 Member
    cap630 said:

    Women Cancer Sex

    Just started reading Women Cancer Sex by Anne Katz, RN, PhD hoping to find more insight.  Physical therapy with dialators really helped me too.  It is the lack of interest that is hardest.  We keep finding new ways to stay close.

    Thanks to you all

    Thank you for your willingness to share ... I'm really where you are.  Trying to optimize my life at the 3 year point ... I respect you all so much.  I feel so fortunate to have this community of friends to discuss such sensative and private issues.  

    Gulamin ... Prayers to you as u approach your next check up!  xo

  • Clovergirl
    Clovergirl Member Posts: 48
    Not happening for me

    anytime soon that's for sure.  I'm closed up like Fort Knox.  I was actually at the Dr. this morning for a follow up regarding this very subject.  I try the dialators but they are painful.  I work with them when I can. I find it hard to make time to do it as much as I should be.  I know I need to make time for it to be successful.  Today my doctor told me that I could have some type of recontructive surgery in the vagina.  However, he does not recommend this until Im 18 months to 2 years NED.  I just had a scan last week and that put me at 6 months NED. He was very positive that this could be done but I am not really looking to have surgery.  Just don't think I want to go that route.  I'm only 47 so I am willing to try some other solutions first. Im just afraid surgery like that would have it's own set of problems.  Losing the sexual intimacy I had with my fiancee is tough but I'm glad to be alive and he is very understanding.  I'm not giving up but I must say things don't look promising in that area. 

  • qv62
    qv62 Member Posts: 434 Member
    7243

    I have stenosis from the surgeries I have had over the last few years, unfortunately the one last Jan really set me back and although using the dialators for a few montbs I have only tried intercours once this past summer, it was very painful and don't feel ready yet to try again. I have slacked on my dialoators but once healed from yesterdays biopsy I will try and get back into a routine.

  • TraceyUSA said:

    No desire

    Frankly, I have zero desire to have or try sex after this.  The main reason is the HPV factor.  The answers to any questions I've asked preventing or treating the HPV that caused my cancer have not eased my fears.   I'm told most of the time your body cures itself of it ... obviously mine didn't.  I've read that the virus attaches to your DNA which tells me there's no way to get rid of it.  How do I know that my husband's body will always fight it if he hasn't got it by now.  I don't want to take any chances.  I'm also told that the same HPV strain that caused the anal cancer can also cause head and neck cancers so that kills the oral sex for me too.  I'm just scared of passing the virus to my husband or spreading it to another part of my body.  I'm very lucky to have an understanding husband.  I totally agree with Laz that there is more than the sexual intercourse to a good relationship.

    no desire

    Hi Tracey,

    I've read your comment and I feel for you. I just wanted to put your mind at ease. The DR told me, once you have HPV, You cannot catch it again. You are immune. Your husband probably already has it. His immune system is stronger than yours and that's why he hasn't devloped cancer. I hope this helps.

     

  • TraceyUSA
    TraceyUSA Member Posts: 316

    no desire

    Hi Tracey,

    I've read your comment and I feel for you. I just wanted to put your mind at ease. The DR told me, once you have HPV, You cannot catch it again. You are immune. Your husband probably already has it. His immune system is stronger than yours and that's why he hasn't devloped cancer. I hope this helps.

     

    I appreciate your response. 

    I appreciate your response.  I guess I think about things too much.  I may be totally wrong but this is what I think....

     

    once you have HPV, You cannot catch it again --- I cannot get it again because I cannot get rid of it; it has attached to my DNA & there is no cure for it.

    Your husband probably already has it. His immune system is stronger than yours and that's why he hasn't devloped cancer - What if his body has a "break" like mine did and he doesn't fight it any longer.  Am I reintroducing it to him everytime we have "skin-to-skin contact" which they say is how it is transmitted?

     

    There just seems like too much uncertainity.  I continue to worry that this virus is still in my body.  I'm thinking about making an appointment with an infectious disease doctor to see if they can provide any insight. 

  • Phoebesnow
    Phoebesnow Member Posts: 600 Member
    qv62 said:

    7243

    I have stenosis from the surgeries I have had over the last few years, unfortunately the one last Jan really set me back and although using the dialators for a few montbs I have only tried intercours once this past summer, it was very painful and don't feel ready yet to try again. I have slacked on my dialoators but once healed from yesterdays biopsy I will try and get back into a routine.

    Sex

    Has anyone read fifty shades of gray? That just might get your juices flowing.

     

    My husband has been paralyzed from the waist down since he was 23.  A sexual relationship is very important to him.  He was very patient with me as it took 9 months to one year to get it all working again.  He was my dilator as I found the dialator too boring. We used manual stimulation and oral sex.   At times it is painful and then we have oral sex instead. He uses injections to make himself hard.

     

    Anyone who believes there husband is happy in a sexless marriage is fooling themselves.  He will have emotional affairs that may lead to sex or prostitution.   I spend a lot of time with men because I am a surfer.  All they think about or talk about is sex.  They are very open.  If the wife is not having sex they tell everyone! They even discuss there own sexual dysfunction and worry a lot about there wives happiness.  

     

    i really believe that if you explore other ways to excite yourself that things will start working better for you then grin and bear it.

  • lp1964
    lp1964 Member Posts: 1,239 Member
    TraceyUSA said:

    I appreciate your response. 

    I appreciate your response.  I guess I think about things too much.  I may be totally wrong but this is what I think....

     

    once you have HPV, You cannot catch it again --- I cannot get it again because I cannot get rid of it; it has attached to my DNA & there is no cure for it.

    Your husband probably already has it. His immune system is stronger than yours and that's why he hasn't devloped cancer - What if his body has a "break" like mine did and he doesn't fight it any longer.  Am I reintroducing it to him everytime we have "skin-to-skin contact" which they say is how it is transmitted?

     

    There just seems like too much uncertainity.  I continue to worry that this virus is still in my body.  I'm thinking about making an appointment with an infectious disease doctor to see if they can provide any insight. 

    Forgive me to...

    ...tell you this, but your worrying is unrealistic. No matter how much we scrub it, how much detergent, chemicals, pesticides, fungicides, herbicides we use the fact is that our world is full of bacteria, viruses, fungi, paracites etc. We inhale them, swallow them by the billions every seconds. They are on our skin, in our eyes, ears nose, vagina, anus, everywhere. Over the hundreds of millions of years we developed a symbiosis we them that works most of the time. But sometimes on rare occasions it doesn't and they make us sick. You catch a cold, influenza, hetatitis etc. and sometimes virus related cancer. 

    This is the fact of life. There are a few things you can do: hygiene, vaccine, protection, but you can't stop living and live in paranoia. 

    I hope this makes sense and helps.

    Laz

  • sephie
    sephie Member Posts: 650 Member

    Sex

    Has anyone read fifty shades of gray? That just might get your juices flowing.

     

    My husband has been paralyzed from the waist down since he was 23.  A sexual relationship is very important to him.  He was very patient with me as it took 9 months to one year to get it all working again.  He was my dilator as I found the dialator too boring. We used manual stimulation and oral sex.   At times it is painful and then we have oral sex instead. He uses injections to make himself hard.

     

    Anyone who believes there husband is happy in a sexless marriage is fooling themselves.  He will have emotional affairs that may lead to sex or prostitution.   I spend a lot of time with men because I am a surfer.  All they think about or talk about is sex.  They are very open.  If the wife is not having sex they tell everyone! They even discuss there own sexual dysfunction and worry a lot about there wives happiness.  

     

    i really believe that if you explore other ways to excite yourself that things will start working better for you then grin and bear it.

    phoebesnow

    thankyou so very much for your insight.... i needed to read this.... i have been worrying about this .... i need to try harder....i have never felt pain as i felt after biopsy and tx for this cancer..... i have had broken nose, broken knee cap,  broken other bones,  knocked tooth out , hemmorrhoidectemy, etc and just thought i had felt pain but nothing to compare to the pain i experienced with this mess  so i am so very fearful of tearing tissue and having to heal up which is what has happened before...... oh well,,,,,,sephie

  • mp327
    mp327 Member Posts: 4,440 Member
    lp1964 said:

    Forgive me to...

    ...tell you this, but your worrying is unrealistic. No matter how much we scrub it, how much detergent, chemicals, pesticides, fungicides, herbicides we use the fact is that our world is full of bacteria, viruses, fungi, paracites etc. We inhale them, swallow them by the billions every seconds. They are on our skin, in our eyes, ears nose, vagina, anus, everywhere. Over the hundreds of millions of years we developed a symbiosis we them that works most of the time. But sometimes on rare occasions it doesn't and they make us sick. You catch a cold, influenza, hetatitis etc. and sometimes virus related cancer. 

    This is the fact of life. There are a few things you can do: hygiene, vaccine, protection, but you can't stop living and live in paranoia. 

    I hope this makes sense and helps.

    Laz

    Laz

    Very well stated and I must agree with you.  The bottom line is every human being eventually succumbs to something.  Granted, we do have control over some things, but in today's world, probably not too many. 

    I once asked my medical oncologist before I had had any alcohol to drink after my treatment ended if it was okay to have a margarita now and then.  I think his answer applies to many things.  He told me "I did not put you through all that treatment just to have you live in a prison.  Live your life and remember everything in moderation."  I think his advice was right on.

    One thing I am trying desperately not to die from is worry!

    I hope you are doing well, Laz! 

  • lp1964
    lp1964 Member Posts: 1,239 Member
    sephie said:

    phoebesnow

    thankyou so very much for your insight.... i needed to read this.... i have been worrying about this .... i need to try harder....i have never felt pain as i felt after biopsy and tx for this cancer..... i have had broken nose, broken knee cap,  broken other bones,  knocked tooth out , hemmorrhoidectemy, etc and just thought i had felt pain but nothing to compare to the pain i experienced with this mess  so i am so very fearful of tearing tissue and having to heal up which is what has happened before...... oh well,,,,,,sephie

    People who love...

    ...each other should never do want thing together that hurts. I think we concentrate too much on intercourse in our society. Guy are different anatomically and mentally. We need a minute to be ready. Women need to be relaxed and wet to open up. Unfortunately the treatment we receive compromised both of these. I had a huge surgery and impotence was in the picture. Thanks god things look ok now, but erection and orgasm hurts me still so I'm patient. Men have to be patient with you even more and play manually and orally a lot of touching. They may need to be happy receiving the same for a while and give up intercourse. This is a great opportunity to pay a little more attention to the whole person not just the genitals.

    Laz

  • Phoebesnow
    Phoebesnow Member Posts: 600 Member
    sephie said:

    phoebesnow

    thankyou so very much for your insight.... i needed to read this.... i have been worrying about this .... i need to try harder....i have never felt pain as i felt after biopsy and tx for this cancer..... i have had broken nose, broken knee cap,  broken other bones,  knocked tooth out , hemmorrhoidectemy, etc and just thought i had felt pain but nothing to compare to the pain i experienced with this mess  so i am so very fearful of tearing tissue and having to heal up which is what has happened before...... oh well,,,,,,sephie

    Sephie

    Fear was my biggest obstacle, fear of hurting or hurting more.  As you all know I am in excruciating pain with every BM .  I bleed every day soft or hard, just the way it is.  I actually had a one week break from this one week ago in Florida. This gives me hope that eventually this will rectify itself also. My rules are no pushing on my hips, very painful, and the anal area can't get wet because of the stinging pain.

     

    I think if you can find away to stimulate your self and get your natural juices flowing that you will be able to do this.  Maybe for short period in the beginning,let your husband know that these are test drives.  Gentle andquick to begin. If you find yourself enjoy you can let him know and it can last a little longer.  You are the driver.  It is important for him to know you are trying and you care. If oral and even manual sex are all you can manage I am sure this will suffice.  

     

    Woman marry for love, kids  and often security and sex, men marry for love and guaranteed sex for life.