Aug 21, 2013 - 3:45 pm
I can not begin to express how thankful I am for all the notes people have sent to me here through personal messages about Mike and I thought since I now have some strength I would post an update as some people have asked me to.
Mike did pass away July 28th at 3:04am at home with our three boys, our daughter-in-law, our two dogs and myself by his side. It is ironic that he passed at 3:04am, the same time I was born 47 years ago. He started to show signs of going early Saturday morning and by 1am, all the kids were at the house, we moved his bed down into the family room and we stayed with him the entire time. Hospice was amazing as they kept in close contact with us via phone walking us through every step. I knew that his time was coming to an end when he looked at me and said "I love you but I have to go" and took my hand. I kissed him and told him it was ok to go and he should go for I promised to take care of the kids. I asked if he was in pain and he smiled and said no and within 45 minutes he was gone.
Knowing that he no longer is in any pain, that he is safe, he will cry no more tears or be sick from the treatments give us all a huge amount of releif but it will not lessen the pain any less of him no longer being here with us but in all honesty, we are glad he is no longer here. His body was not his and he hurt so to keep him here would be only selfish of us for he was suffering so much. It was my honor and a privlidege to love and take care of him the last two years and while my life as a caregiver had changed, plans put on hold and our lives forever altered, I would do it all over again. Even if I knew before we got married that I would be in this situation, cry the tears and have a heartache like I have never known, I would still have married him.
There are no words I can really say to any of you that will make your journey with this horrible disease any easier but I can say this..don't let the cancer take away the love you have for each other and yes, your lives will never be the same but when we choose to love, happiness and heartache go hand and hand. Don't let your anger over having cancer or being a caregiver to someone who does rob you of what is truly in your heats and that is the love you share. Hold onto each other tightly and stand together when the moments get tough or you feel you can't go on. Yes, my life is forever changed and dreams are no longer possible with Mike but I am not angry that this is where my life is now because I was loved beyond my wildest expectations by him. I will carry him proudly and forever in my heart.
Thank you again for all your kinds words and thoughts as Mike and I went through this journey. In time my children and I will ok because that is what Mike would want for us. We will go on and though we miss him more than words will ever express, we accept that he is where he needs to be and here with us was not it. As much as he did not want to leave his family and it was not his choice, we let him go out of love, the same love he would have done for us if the table were turned.
Hang in there and please no matter how difficult it may become or what words may be spoken, just remember one thing..love each other no matter what.
Mike will forever be my hero both in heath and illness for he taught me the true meaning of love and being in love. No matter what the battle we did it together and I could not be prouder of him. I love you babe, always and forever...Your "C"