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What happened to the old me

Posts: 2
Joined: Jun 2013

The old me didn't cry. I think I cried maybe 3 times in the past five years. The new me cries at the drop of a hat. I hate the way I look when I pass a mirror. I'm bald now. My eyebrows are starting to fall out. My feet and ankles are swollen so that I don't even recognize them. I am tired all the time. I just want the old me back before they mutilated my boobs. I used to have a gorgeous set of DDD's... All natural. Not where they used to be perky wise, after all at 47 who would expect them to be... But at least I didn't look deformed like I do now. They can't finish reconstruction until I finish chemo (2 more treatments). They put D size implants in DDD size "empty boob sacks" so the D's spread out and now I look deformed And have huge scars. I know that my  plastic surgeon will fix all this but it's so depressing just waiting and waiting. Meanwhile, it's back to chemo in 3 days and then everything I eat or drink tastes like poision and all I want to do is sleep! 

Posts: 6587
Joined: Oct 2010

I am thinking of you...



kmenurse's picture
Posts: 223
Joined: Apr 2013

Hello Mi3kids... If I hadn't known that I didn't post this myself, I would have thought it was me, 3 kids and all... I also will have 2 treatments left after tomorrow... I also was a DDD breast size and now have the large scares, and a bold head. My hair was very thin before so hoping it will be a little thicker after my treatment is done and it grows back.  At least I hope one positive comes from what I am going through with Chemo and Neulasta. I guess what keeps me going is the fact that I am alive and their are so many with cancer cases much worse then mine... In fact I concider myself blessed that it wasn't worse.... Their are so many pink sisters here to help you cope so I'm glad you are reaching out.... God Bless!  Kathy

DianeBC's picture
Posts: 3886
Joined: Jun 2009

Sending a big hug! 

coco2008's picture
Posts: 420
Joined: May 2013

Think of tomorrow.  I had 2 lumpectomis at once,  When I first saw them I thought I was a freak show.  It looked like some one took a big bite out of each one and the scars were red and scabby and looked awful.  I hit a low point in my self image.

It has now been a month and a half since my last surgery.  The divets are still there, but even out a bit when I wear a bra with a bit of lift.  The ugly red scars have lightened a great deal.  In time they will be thin, slightly discolored lines.

I no longer feel like a freak show.  I started chemo yesterday.  I will have my head shaved this Saturday.  I will not let cancer make all the decissions in my life.

Give yourself time to adjust and know it will not last forever.  This is only for a season.  Talk to your onco about this he may suggest discission groups where you can speak directly with people who have been where you are or are going through it now,  Kind of like this forum with faces.  He may offer a few session with a mental health worker or give you medication to get you through this difficult time.  There are many treatments that can help you.  Don't just try to suck it up and pretend to those around you that you are handling this without a problem.  Cancer and it's treatments are hard to deal with and there will be ups and down as your treatments procede.  Know you are not alone in your feelings,  This forum is open 24/7 and you don't need an appointment. And most important, we care and will listen and offer you support and compassion.

I will keep you in prayer.

God bless you and give you peace,


Posts: 549
Joined: Nov 2009

I am sorry  you are  going through all of these feelings as well as  the treatments. 


Someone suggested that when I shower, I only have a candle burning, or nightlight on.  That really helped me.  And sometimes a little  music. 

I also am so  tired and they say that is the arimidex I am still taking.


My prayers are   with you.


RE's picture
Posts: 4644
Joined: Feb 2004

Oh sweety it does get better you are just in the trenches right now and it is so very hard, trust me it is doable and you will look gorgeous in no time!  I had to wait 2 years for reconstruction and another year for the nipple (my choice) but in the end it was all worth it.  Once the recon is done you will start to heal and resemble more of your old self.  The fatigue takes a bit to relent but it does relent and you do regain some of that old energy.  You mention the bad taste when you eat, if it is that nasty metalic taste do yourself a favor and replace metalic utensils with sturdy plastic ones as it will help with easing some of the awful taste. 


You are awesome, don't forget that!!!!



sweetvickid's picture
Posts: 459
Joined: Nov 2009

But chemo and surgery is really hard and then you add the trauma of new body of course you are going to cry.  Just think of it as natures way to help you relase some of the emotions.  Even after you have your reconstruction and you are happy with the results the old you still won't be back.  A good rule of thumb is it will take atleast twice as long as the time you were in chemo for you to get over the effects of chemo.  Just give it time.   I had chemo for over a year and it took me over  two years to feel like the old me.

June Bugs
Posts: 169
Joined: May 2013

Sweetvickid wrote the perfect words and I can't add much more except to just go easy on yourself.  All of the bad effects didn't happen over night and unfortunately, they won't go away over night, but, they will.  I will be praying for you.

Hugs, June

Kristin N's picture
Kristin N
Posts: 1969
Joined: Mar 2009

Times like this, I really wish I could reach through this screen and give you the biggest of hugs.

DebbyM's picture
Posts: 3293
Joined: Oct 2009

Keeping you in my prayers.

Posts: 579
Joined: Dec 2010

Yes, it's tough.  Make sure you don't get dangerously low before asking for a little help to get you through this.  Same here, 38 DDD reduced to 36 but can't wear bras as get too hot.  Haven't worn one in nearly three years.  Hair will grow back and make you feel better.  Mine started to grow before final chemo.  I slept for months and still get weary.  Just let it happen if you are able to.  I was lucky did t have young children or work unlike many brave ladies.  Keep talking to us and perhaps your cancer nurse then vent away.

Posts: 94
Joined: May 2013

I am so sorry. This too shall pass. This time next year, this will all be behind you. Just try to remember that. I will probably be right there with you soon. I had a bilateral mast on 5-15-13 and will start chemo this coming week, so i too will soon be bald. I have LONG red hair that I have never liked....until now! It's taken me years to grow this now I'm losing it. Try to keep the faith and we are all here for you. God bless.


Posts: 2
Joined: Jun 2013

If I can give you one piece of advice, that someone gave me... Don't wait for your hair to fall out. Cancer got your boobs, it doesn't get to make that decision too. My onco told me that it is going to fall out, that's a given, it is just way more traumatic to come away with handfuls of hair in the shower. I shaved my head the weekend before my first chemo and then took my daughters and marched my butt off to the mall. The lions den was what I called it because I thought everyone would stare at me. Only one person did and then my 12 year old stuck her tongue out at them! Once it's over with, it's soooooo much easier, at least that part. 

LoveBabyJesus's picture
Posts: 1680
Joined: Jan 2011

It is all normal, what you're feeling. And I am sorry you're experiencing this level of pain. I did not remove my breasts but sometimes I wish I had, because now I have a constant worry and what ifs. Doesn't make it right that you had to do it. No one deserves this. I was dx at 32 (no children), took the chemo and rads, now on tamoxifen, watching my uterus and praying I can have a child one day. I totally understand you, although our scars may look different. I am holding your hand right now walking the same path.

It will take some time for you to get back to normal, your "new" normal that is. You will be stronger than ever before too. I know these words may not necessarily help now because what you're going through is a process, but please believe you will be OK physically and emotionally too. It will just take some time. We will be here to support you. And we will celebrate together after all of this is over.

You're in my prayers. Have faith.



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