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Thank You All So Much For Your Prayer & Healing Thoughts

wolfen's picture
wolfen
Posts: 1316
Joined: Apr 2009

I will sleep very little, if at all, tonight. I made the decision today to have my beloved husband removed from life support systems at noon tomorrow. His condition has rapidly deteriorated over the last two days. The ventilator is now completely breathing for him and the pacemaker has taken over 100%. He is in a drugged sleep, not responsive to anything, and will never wake again. I am crying as I try to type. At least four doctors have validated that he will never come out of this. They have deactivated the defib portion of his device so that he won't receive continuous shocks. I will hold in my heart the memory from two nights ago as he waved his fingers at us as we told him we loved him & would be back in the morning. It is all I have right now. Later, I will have time to reflect on our forty one years together.

Hospice has arranged to put him on a portable ventilator & transport him home. Home is where he would want to be & I have done my best to honor his wishes. A bed and other equipment now faces me in the family room where I am sleeping as I gave Debbie & her husband my bed. I will look at that all night long. A doctor & two nurses will be here to make him comfortable & remove the ventilator. It will be a matter of a few minutes to hours for us to spend with him one last time. I am frightened as Hospice does not stay until the end, but together Robert & I will do this for him. Robert & I will ride in the ambulance in case he expires during transport. I could not ask Debbie to do that, nor can I ask her to be present as he goes on his final journey. She faces her own mortality each day & it is too much for her.

We left the hospital for a few hours today to make funeral arrangements. They are simple, but expensive. He always used to tell me "When I'm gone, just put me in a pine box & stick me in the ground."  So I selected a wooden casket that looks like that pine box. There will be a small graveside service on Tuesday. It is a surreal feeling to know that I've done this & that on Monday, I'll select flowers for my husband. I know some of you have faced this very thing.

I hope I have not offended anyone by posting this much information.

Please keep us in your hearts as I do this thing. It is the most difficult thing I've ever had to do in my life.

Luv,

Wolfen

jen2012
Posts: 1607
Joined: Aug 2012

Oh Wolfen, I'm so sorry.   We went through this with my mother-in-law a yr and a half ago, when the baby was 6 weeks old...actually a couple of days before his Christening.   This is such a horrible decision for you to have to make, but I'm sure one that your husband would support and want you to make.   Try to remember that and the good times you've had, especially over the next few days.  Prayers and hugs.   Lean on family and friends as much as you can.

lilacbrroller's picture
lilacbrroller
Posts: 412
Joined: Jun 2012

Karen - 

I nearly cried when I read your post - I'm so sorry about your loss. But what made me and happy and cry at the same time was that you were lucky to have your last words to your husband be I love you. He got to hear it, you got to say it, and the last connection you made was love.   That is the best thing ever, especially for him.  

peace for the journey,

Karin

Semira's picture
Semira
Posts: 378
Joined: Mar 2012

dear Wolfen. I wish I could offer more then a tender hug.

Wishing you strenth

Petra

Chelsea71
Posts: 1170
Joined: Sep 2012

Hi Wolfen,

I am so sorry. As difficult as this is, you will get through it. You have been a wonderful wife and caregiver. You've done all you can for him. He is lucky to have you.

Chelsea

johnnybegood's picture
johnnybegood
Posts: 1122
Joined: Oct 2008

would reply on this difficult morning as my mother is still sleeping.thank you so much for your support and prayers.to me my stepdad is already in heaven and it is just a body on a machine.but i have to honor my mothers and brothers wishes to bring him home.i so wish buzzard was here as he always gave me words of comfort.i will try to be there as much as i can for my mother as she loses the love of her life but just knowing right now taking chemo is what is keeping my cancer from growing but i also know that death for me will also come before i get to reach in my sixties.our Lord is with me and my family and that gives me comfort i truly wish my brother and mother could get comfort from that too but for now i will just let the Lord work thru me to help comfort them     Godbless to all   Johnnybegood

Lovekitties's picture
Lovekitties
Posts: 3283
Joined: Jan 2010

The fact that each of us are mortal and must pass on, will never make it easier on those we leave behind who love us best.

May the strength of thousands lift you up and hold you as you deal with the last earthly details.

May the love of all of us here and all who know you bring you some comfort.

You and your entire family are in our hearts and prayers.

Love,

Marie who loves kitties

janderson1964
Posts: 2215
Joined: Oct 2011

Although I have never met you I know you are a beautiful person. I am so so truly sorry that your heart is breaking and that you were forced to make such a tuff decision. I hope you can find some comfort in the fact that your decision will end your husbands suffering. I admire your  courage and selflessness. I hope you will remain a part of this community.

 

Love to you and your family

 

Jeff

steveandnat's picture
steveandnat
Posts: 887
Joined: Sep 2011

Your husband is very fortunate he has you. You have been such a trooper through this battle with cancer. I know he will be in a better place and the pain and suffering will be over for him. Again may he rest in peace and I pray you canrave wonderful memories of all your years together. Jeff

annalexandria's picture
annalexandria
Posts: 2573
Joined: Oct 2011

I am so sorry, Wolfen.  You've been such a wonderful wife to him.  If love alone could save a life, I know you would have saved his a million times over.  Hugs to you, dear lady.  AA

fatbob2010's picture
fatbob2010
Posts: 467
Joined: May 2012

Wolfen,

There are no words that I can add to others.  Your strength and that of JBG are an inspiration.  We all have to cross the bridge from this life to the next, there are no exceptions.  Please accept my wishes for you and JBG of comfort and that peace that comes from doing all one can.  Art 

wawaju04976's picture
wawaju04976
Posts: 316
Joined: Dec 2012

I am just so sorry. You and your family have been thru so much.

Judy

KathiM's picture
KathiM
Posts: 8077
Joined: Aug 2005

I had to wait a few moments until my eyes cleared from the tears....

 

I am so proud of you, darling!  I walk every step with you, and know that you are wise far beyond your time spent on this earth.  

I can but send 'cyber hugs' to you and all of your family.

I have, sadly, walk the path you walk, and it was surreal for me as well.  Know that you have many, many friends to turn to for support...

 

I had a thumbprint made from my daughter after she passed.  It was cast in silver...pretty.  I don't wear it all of the time, but know exactly where it is.

 

As we age, our shoulders can become weighed down by the emotional burdens of living.  But only if we let them.  Walk proud, dear one, shoulders straight! You gave your love the dignity and the caring for all that you could.

As he rests, you should rest a bit.  Don't try to accomplish all in a hurry...all will wait as you gather your strength.

 

Hugs and love, Kathi

Trubrit's picture
Trubrit
Posts: 4400
Joined: Jan 2013

Its so hard to let those we love, go. 

The decision you have made is best for your husband.  To know that he slipped into sleep hearing the words 'I love you'.  What a blessing! 

We are here for you, your daughter and Robert, if only in words and thoughts.  Many tears are already shedding for you darling huband. On thing I have learned from being on the boards, is that love extends to those who you don't know.

God bless you, and God bless your darling husband as he slips from this life to the next. 

Deena11
Posts: 196
Joined: Nov 2012

I'm so sorry.  You are a brave and strong woman.  My prayers are with you and your family.

God bless you.

Deena

herdizziness's picture
herdizziness
Posts: 3642
Joined: Apr 2010

You are all in our hearts and prayers dear woman.  You are not alone in your sorrow, we share this with you and are with you in kindred spirit.

Hugs,

Winter Marie

dmj101's picture
dmj101
Posts: 527
Joined: Nov 2011

All my love and prayers to you Wolfie and your family.

May you have peace at this most difficult time...

Innocent

karguy's picture
karguy
Posts: 1024
Joined: Apr 2009

I am so sorry that you have to go through this,I will keep you in my prayers.

AnnLouise's picture
AnnLouise
Posts: 276
Joined: Mar 2013

We went through something similar with my father...it is such a hard thing to go through. My heart, thoughts and prayers are with you... ~ Ann

geotina's picture
geotina
Posts: 2117
Joined: Oct 2009

I am so very sorry.  Just a few short months ago I was in your shoes losing my George.  I have no words of wisdom for I know full well just how acute your pain is right now.  Don't ever second guess your decision, you did all you could and even now, are making the right decision not only for you but for JBG and your whole family.  We were married 42 year when George died, and losing that long term relationship is so very difficult. 

Cynthia (LivinginNH) who lost her Rick right after my George and I are in contact and support each other, we have even talked on the phone.  When things settle down, and everyone returns to their normal lives,  please send us a pm and together, we will listen and help get through some of the rough stuff that lies ahead. 

Love and Hugs - Tina

 

LivinginNH's picture
LivinginNH
Posts: 1458
Joined: Apr 2010

Oh, my dear Wolfen, I have been thinking about you and your family all day.  I know that there are few words that will ease your pain right now, but know that you are loved by many here.  It's been a hard journey for your dear husband, but he's now at rest, with no more pain.  Please take comfort that you were able to be with him in the end, and that the last words he heard were that you loved him. 

With great sadness, and my deepest sympathy.

Cynthia

Varmint5's picture
Varmint5
Posts: 384
Joined: Feb 2012

I am so sorry it has come to this. I was a home hospice nurse for several years and I know how hard this is for you and your family but I also know that following his wishes to come home will give you comfort. I didn't have to take my own husband off a ventilator, but I had to make the decision for no more treatment at the end - only comfort measures, as he was dying and I knew it. And yes, it was hard. So my heart goes out to you as you face this as Ron's wife. I have thought about you all day, but have been away from the computer and wondering how it was all going for you. I'll be thinking of you over the next days. Such a heartbreaking time - just take it one breath at a time. 41 years together is an amazing thing.

Sandy

Patteee's picture
Patteee
Posts: 950
Joined: Jul 2009

I too, along with others, am truly sorry.  You have become such a priceless part of our lives Wolfen- and such a sad day for all of us.  All of you are in my prayers, for a peaceful journey.

Annabelle41415's picture
Annabelle41415
Posts: 5667
Joined: Feb 2009

Just can't express the sorrow I'm feeling for you and family.  This has to be such a tough decision for you to make under these circumstances.  Hubby sure was lucky to have such a wonderful wife as you.  May God bring him home peacefully and also bring you comfort and let you know that you have loved ones and friends thinking and praying for you.  My heart is with you and family.  Also may your wonderful daughter find peace through this as well.

Hugs!  Kim

jjaj133's picture
jjaj133
Posts: 869
Joined: Mar 2011

Wolfen and JBG, I am praying for peace and acceptance. How we get through this is a miracle. I know the heartbreak and I thought my heart would burst from the pain. You will be held up by all who love you both. We will all be sending prayers. Be kinds to yourself, do things at your own pace and take one day at a time. Your husband knew how much you loved him, have no doubt.

Sending you healing thoughts and prayers with love,

Judy

lesvanb's picture
lesvanb
Posts: 911
Joined: May 2008

Much Love, Leslie

Lorikat's picture
Lorikat
Posts: 681
Joined: Jul 2011

23 years ago I took my husband home for the last time.  I was scared, lonely, and heart broken.  I held his hand as he moved into the next realm...  His words...  I never regretted taking him home.  God bless you and your family...

 

 

 

tanstaafl's picture
tanstaafl
Posts: 1273
Joined: Oct 2010

Sorry for your difficult times Wolfen.  Your husband knows that he is loved, and cared for.  

Thank you and JBG for extending your family circle to us during this time.  

Kathleen808's picture
Kathleen808
Posts: 2361
Joined: Jan 2009

Continuing to hold you in prayer.  So very, very sorry.

Aloha,

Kathleen

Maxiecat's picture
Maxiecat
Posts: 544
Joined: Jul 2012

You have been in my thoughts and prayers.

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