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I Am Numb

wolfen's picture
Posts: 1313
Joined: Apr 2009

First, let me apologize for never being able to post any good news. I'm afraid I wouldn't recognize good news if it hit me square between the eyes.

We saw the MDA doc today, and much as expected, not too much can be done for my hubby. The doc was taken aback when he saw the shape my poor hubby is in. The cancer in his lung is adenocarcinoma differing from the squamous cell in the mouth and lymph nodes. The doc is prepared to try a 7 hour chemo infusion, if and when the urology problems are resolved. I managed to get an urologist appt. for next Thurs. morning. I was unable to find a urologist  with hospital privileges at the hosptal adjacent to the cancer facility, but we'll make do. The MDA doc will have us see a radiation onc to discuss the possibility of cyberknife on the lung. He was also going to pesent the case to a tumor board today. If he possibly survives this part, then the other cancer will be addressed.

The bottom line is that they will do what they can, but having the serious heart issues, oxygen, and urology problems will make it next to impossible. No one is sure just how much more damage his body can take.

I'm waiting to hear from my daughter regarding the date of her spleen removal.

I can barely think anymore. Just, please keep us in your thoughts. I have to remember the times, not too many years ago, when we were wilderness hiking. Now our only hikes are from doctor to doctor. Where did we go wrong?



D Lewis's picture
D Lewis
Posts: 1577
Joined: Jan 2010

So very sorry to hear all this rotten news.  Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. It's all you can do. Sending healing thoughts for you as well as your daughter and hubby.


Tim6003's picture
Posts: 1511
Joined: Nov 2011

Of course you all did nothing wrong.  Feb of 2011 I lost my oldest and only brother to a cancerous brain tumor....two months before my brother died my dad was dx with acute Leukemia...he died in May 2011...then in Ocotober 2011 I was dx with BOT stage III .....I thought the same thing at the time. I did not ask why, but I wondered out loud if my family had just done something wrong....that Christmas I was in the middle of tx and my dad and brother were gone ....the contrast of the two Christmas seasons still plays in my head from time to time.


So I suppose this is what it means when the good book says our lives are like vapor...here today gone tomorrow so don't dwell on the things of earth ....I'm learning to just love and enjoy my family and getting out more doing the things I always put off bc of work...no longer, now I get out. I've always been a very engaged father to my kids (they are my world) but now I do it like there is no tomorrow.


I pray so badly that you can have some good news to report....but it's not your fault if you don't and yes, I will send positive thoughts your way (I understand from a previous post you are no longer a person of faith) ...but if I may, in my own way continue to pray for you and your family it's my way of showing I care....really hurt for you tonight ...you have been thru so much.



Skiffin16's picture
Posts: 8292
Joined: Sep 2009

I'm sure it is nothing that either of you have done wrong.... Unfortunately things just happen that we have no control of.

You both are very much so in my thoughts and prayers..


luv4lacrosse's picture
Posts: 1410
Joined: Jul 2010

You did nothing wrong, it is just the hand we have been dealt, no more, no less. Please stay strong and continue to fight the good fight, as miracles do happen. I know as I feel I am one of those miracles. 25 weeks ago I was told I had mets to my lung and nodes in my mediastynum. No hope for surgery and or radiation, just chemo. 12 weeks into my chemo, the CT came back with no evidence of metastatic disease. I Am still NEMD and the only one in my clinical trial in St. Louis who is NEMD.

Keep the faith, I will pray for you tonight.


VivianLee5689's picture
Posts: 546
Joined: Aug 2012

I am sorry you are going through this.  Of course I agree with all the others in that you have done nothing wrong.  We have just been dealt a crappy hand.  I hope you get everything cleared with the urologist so you can get back to fighting the cancer. 

phrannie51's picture
Posts: 4678
Joined: Mar 2012

for so long...I feel so bad for you.  Just like others have said, all you can do is put one foot in front of the other, and keep moving forward....hard as that is to do!  Sending prayers and positive thoughts for hubby and your daughter.....and for YOU!     Tucking you into my pocket...



CivilMatt's picture
Posts: 4373
Joined: May 2012



My heart goes out to you.  I hope your husband and daughter both live with greatly improve health to enable you to catch your breath.  Reading your story it is like you are hiking a medical wilderness.


You did nothing wrong, really great people get sick every day and very special people choose to care for them.


Hope things get better,



NJShore's picture
Posts: 423
Joined: Nov 2012


you are one of the most incredible women I've met, well at least in writing. With all that you've been handling, that you have Had to deal with in your own family...And then you reach down deep inside and find  more to share with us.. You have a special gift. When I think of who I want to be in the end, I think I want to be remembered as the person who loved her family and friends, the one who has compassion for others, and maybe you do too! As my dad used to say, "what's the alternative?"... To be remembered as someone who was shallow? .. Not my thing.

in a very serious manner... You are my hero.. You are such a good teacher for me And others. And more , I am so very sorry you have these  burdens to bear,  it isn't fair. It doesn't seem right that one person should have so much on their plate, but I know if I were ill, I'd want you or someone just like you next to me! You are a gift.

Somedays when I read through our posts here, I just wish we all lived on the same street.. I'd be at your door with an apple pie and a big hug!... And then I'd be at Vivians to send her out.. And I bet there would be a few others beside me!

i hope you find some peace this weekend.. You soooooooo deserve it!

hugs, Kari

Posts: 1914
Joined: May 2012


There are no good answers.  I will continue to hope and pray as always for your husband and your daughter.  I will continue to send all the positive warm thoughts to you for the strenghth to endure.    Katie

Posts: 59
Joined: Nov 2012

More prayers and thoughts directed to you and yours...


Pumakitty's picture
Posts: 652
Joined: Mar 2010

I am sending prayers for both your husband and your daughter.  I hope that you will soon get some good news.



Billie67's picture
Posts: 843
Joined: Jul 2012

Enough already geez! I'm so sorry to hear about all that's been placed before you. You've done nothing wrong, there is no rhyme or reason why this stuff happens. If you are one who talks to God, don't expect any answers....the teacher never gives answers to the test.  Just try and stay strong and know many are praying for you.


fishmanpa's picture
Posts: 1218
Joined: Jan 2013

...Strength, perserverence and peace during this time of tribulation...


VanessaSLO's picture
Posts: 283
Joined: Jul 2012

and hoping for a good outcome from all this! You definetelly deserve a break! I wish for you to be strong and patient, good times WILL come! You're in my thoughts and prayers!

wolfen's picture
Posts: 1313
Joined: Apr 2009

You know, I have never been one to ask "Why, me?" When my daughter was diagnosed, I did ask "Why, should my sweet child have to endure this?" With my husband, the circumstances are a little different. I suppose those of you with strong faith may find this easier to believe.

Tim, you have brought tears to my eyes with your words of strong faith. Like your story of the wood becoming available from the fallen tree that God probably provided for you, it is very true that you must be careful what you ask for.

These are not the ramblings of a deranged old woman, but please take it for what it is worth. For at least the past year as my daughters condition worsens, my hubby, who is a person of faith, has been praying for God to take away her cancer and give it to him. Is it now a coincidence that he has cancer, or just the luck of the draw? I don't suppose any of us can truely anwer that one. If this is God's anwer to his prayers, I think he has been answered tenfold. I think this is way more than he bargained for. Plus, even I know, you can't bargain with God. Is my hubby sorry he asked for this? You know, as sick as he is, I don't think so. He would do just about anything to alleviate her pain & suffering, as I would. I don't know what to believe, so I must accept it for what it appears to be.

For next week, I have managed to get 5 appts. with various specialists. Pending in the wings, we'll have a tentative appt. with the oral surgeon provided that radiation will eventually commence on the face and lymph nodes. If not, there will be no reason to subject him to the extractions.

I'm sure each of you that face your own troubles can understand my frustration and I thank you for listening to me & supporting me, while fighting your own battles. You have no idea how comforting it is to talk to those who "get it".



fisrpotpe's picture
Posts: 1349
Joined: Aug 2010

none of us hear have done nothing wrong, crap happens for no reasons

asked so many times "why do bad things happen to good people"  also asked but not often "why do good things happen to bad people" all those bad things just hang with us all the time. to keep in mind and thoughts are "why are all the good things happening to me" for examaple a good thing for me that happens is the "sun rises" i don't ask enough why i get to see the sun rise every day. 

praying for all good things to happen for all of your family. 



Pam M's picture
Pam M
Posts: 2196
Joined: Nov 2009

If you had, then you could turn it around yourselves, and not have to rely on so many professionals.  I have you in my thoughts, and am putting in requests on your behalf.

Jan Trinks's picture
Jan Trinks
Posts: 477
Joined: Apr 2009



Of course y'all did nothing wrong.  As the good book tells us, rain falls on the just and unjust alike!  I have a cousin in Ky who lost his wife to esopophgeal/gastro ca in April 2008.   He had been such a cheerleader for her and they had a wonderful marriage.  She was 53 when she passed away.  So sorry about your hubby's problems and will be praying for y'all and your family.  And remember those wilderness hiking days and make it your "happy place" to go to when needed.  God Bless!


Jan (Basketcase)

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