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Forgive me I have been a bad pink sister

aysemari's picture
Posts: 1596
Joined: Dec 2009

But I always checked on you.. at a loss for words
and heart breaking. I was just on the sidelines with
my hands clenched into fists - frozen.

Over the years, I got to know and love you. And it got
to me more than I wanted to admit, even to myself. And
as the time passed by it got harder and harder to come
back... now on top of it all, I felt guilt for not being
there. And I felt weak, you are the ones going through it.
It just felt like I was able to leave cancerville and left
you all behind.

I hope you know how much I care for you.


CypressCynthia's picture
Posts: 4014
Joined: Oct 2009

Oh Ayse sweetie, you are not a bad sister at all. I think we should give each other permission to freely come and go--just call them mental health days.

When I was initially diagnosed with breast cancer back in 1987, I was a baby of 33 and I went to a support group (no online back then) and it was way too much for me. Almost everyone there had mets or was extremely depressed. I was in a gung ho fighting mood and I just couldn't be with the others right then. Especially since I had a 4 year old daughter depending on me. I had lots of living to do and it was too much for me.

Maybe we need a support group for different stages. Now, at my age and with the mets, I feel differently, but it has been a long, long journey to get where I am more comfortable being around all stages of this dreadful disease. And I still do have days where the MB stories break me up and I have to give myself permission to take mental health days.

If there is something wrong with you, then there is something wrong with me too. Although I selfishly love you and your special spirit and always look forward to reading your posts. So go forth and live, but check in from time to time because we will miss you soooo much! ;-)

SIROD's picture
Posts: 2199
Joined: Jun 2010

CC that was a great subject line "go forth and live" and I love your metal health days.

Back when I was diagnose, I didn't join any group right off. I continued to work and dealing with the disease, being a mother (youngest just began high school) I had more than enough. The wife of my boss was the head of the BC department at the local hospital. When she would see me, kept urging me to join the support group. I finally did and became good friend with the leader. She wanted me to take over but it wasn't where I wanted to go at the time, I didn't. The group was fairly diverse and there wasn't anyone with mets. I believe it is usually women with mets who are not wanted in those support groups.

I do daily visit, mostly read mets boards. Though I do give my 2 cents worth when the occasion needs it. I learn a lot and have different friends in these groups. Late last June when we had the hullabaloo with NancyJac after posting "All stage IV means is that the patient has mets" and I set her straight. I had just read a Mets Forum where six posters had just died. That was a new one, even for me. Never had I seen that many die in so short a time. Some were expected and a few were a total surprise. It totally unnerved me and then I came here to read that statement. This is why I like this forum, it is diverse and it isn't always sad. I'm not saying that there are daily deaths but enough of them, that make this one appealing to me. The first discussion board I join in 1997 had all the stages.

It's good to be expose to the other stages, to learn, to have some idea what it's like. In the others mets forums, there are no returnees. One like we have here, those who were diagnose, treated and go on with their life as it was meant to be. When they come back to visit or stay, they are welcome back with open arms if that were possible in cyber space.



CypressCynthia's picture
Posts: 4014
Joined: Oct 2009

I think I take back my suggestion and I tend to agree with you more than myself ;-). For one thing, a message board is soooo different than a local support group (which has good and bad points). For me, there are so many advantages to this: you can post a question and actually get many informed responses; you can ignore posts that you don't wish to read; you can get support at 1 AM when an anxiety attack is most likely to occur (for me anyway) and I could go on and on.

Face to face is special too and I do a little here and there with the local center (going to a Christmas party on the 4th).

Thanks for the thoughtful response and feedback :-). I always feel better knowing that there is another regular "old-timer" out there! Big hugs!

SIROD's picture
Posts: 2199
Joined: Jun 2010

Hi Ayse,

I wasn't around when you were in real need of this forum. I do know how important it is to draw back if you want to, when your time in this hell is over. Those who never recur should never feel guilty for I am certain that I speak for all those who have mets, we are happy for you. We all wish it were us but that is how those cells have migrated.

Do like the words mental health days that CC used. On my old forum that finally closed it's cyber door a few years ago, we always were happy to see an old poster drop by. Even more relieved that they didn't return because "IT" had come back. They have a Facebook account for the old members of BCANS. It is always nice to see a post from someone that had just found us after a decade. Nice to learn, they are doing great. Only 3 of us have mets and I know that we are happy for the rest of the old gang, at least I am.

Best wishes to you,


sea60's picture
Posts: 2617
Joined: May 2010

and it is always there. I sometimes don't get on for a while but I always come back. Some of the Sisters are in the midst of treatment while others have completed treatment and are finding their new normal.

It doesn't matter what place we're in on this jorney or how many times we frequent the site. It shouldn't matter. What matters is we are all together in this place when we need it and we are loved, cared for and prayed over.

Hugs back Sister! Hope you're doing wonderful :)

CypressCynthia's picture
Posts: 4014
Joined: Oct 2009

I love the revloving door metaphor! That is EXACTLY how I have always felt. All of us are happy when you are out there living life to the fullest, but do check back in when it is right for you.

RE's picture
Posts: 4644
Joined: Feb 2004

Ayse please do hold guilt close to your chest, there is no need. Part of healing is letting go to some degree, sometimes it is difficult to come here especially if it has been awhile since your personal cancer battle. It reminds us of all we had to do to survive. Come as you will, stay as long as you wish and return when you are able. I do not come nearly as frequently as I once did, but I do pop in from time to time and I help when I can. Live your life, enjoy what you have worked so hard to keep, we know you have not forgotten us to the contrary you are out there surviving! Hugs my friend and let that guilt go!


camul's picture
Posts: 2541
Joined: Dec 2010

you have always been so caring. Do not feel guilt, I am so glad you are living your life and that you are happy. I believe that after going through this nasty disease a break is in order. Live life! That is why we all chose to go through treatment.

Did you ever get all of your posters back?


Christmas Girl's picture
Christmas Girl
Posts: 3691
Joined: Apr 2009

... I have typed words like these here, during the now several years ...

There is no obligation, we don't sign contracts, everyone is absolutely free to come & go as they want/need, etc., etc., etc. ... Without judgment, without criticism. No hard feelings.

I do not know. Many, many times.

What I certainly DO know is that this is part of the beauty of the board. Yes, we relish hearing from those who've taken a break and return. We also freely accept that some need to completely get away in order to find their 'new normal' - create their lives post-treatment. I take breaks, often. And, for varying amounts of time and reasons.

It seems to me that the vast majority come, and then eventually leave. Very few members remain here long term.

I hope you're doing very well, Ayse.

Kind regards, Susan

Gabe N Abby Mom's picture
Gabe N Abby Mom
Posts: 2415
Joined: Sep 2010

Yes, we know how much you care. And let the guilt go, after all there is no reason for it. As others have said so eloquently, come and go as you need or want.

I hope you are enjoying life in CT, and happy holidays!!



missrenee's picture
Posts: 2137
Joined: Apr 2010

I think of you often, as I know you think of all of us. So glad you're doing well and that your life is full of adventure and love.

Come back and check in whenever and know we'll always be thinking of you.

Love and hugs, Renee

Lighthouse_7's picture
Posts: 1566
Joined: Jan 2010

Ayse, I feel the same.......
I have been away for a long time and I have no excuses just needed a break. Glad to see you and all my fellow pinks!

laughs_a_lot's picture
Posts: 1369
Joined: Mar 2011

take attendance and you will not be charged with truancy. We all have seasons where need to concentrate on other aspects of our lives. This is to be expected as our lives are always in flux whether we like to admit it or not. Living each day to the fullest given your unique circumstances is probably the most important lesson we have learned since this sassa frasssa rasssin disease imposed itself upon our lives. Guilt is a very unnecessary emotion in this situation.

aysemari's picture
Posts: 1596
Joined: Dec 2009

you're never far away from my heart and we have a connection that will never subside.
Sometimes in life your strength can become your biggest weakness. My strength was
To act and what I do just doesn't seem enough. There are so many lessons I still have to learn
And I look to you for guidance. My admiration and respect for you has no boundaries.

VickiSam's picture
Posts: 9080
Joined: Aug 2009

We grow our relationships as well as friendship here on ACS site -- it hurts to the depth
of our souls, when we lose a Sister in PINK, or Kindred Spirit. At time, it is difficult for many to put into words what we feel, the sadness that faces us -- but, we continue
to live, support, and love those around us.

Ayse - you are truly extraordinary - plain, and simple.

Love ya,

Vicki Sam

Posts: 1521
Joined: Jan 2010

NOT! You are a sweetheart, an angel and a champion. We step back, we post. We check on posts, but don't reply. It's the way it goes. We will always be connected by heart strings.

Love you always,


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