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Losing my mother. Now what?

Posts: 2
Joined: Nov 2012

I had lost my mother to cancer in April of 2012 about 7 months ago. I am 27years old and my mother was 70 years old when she passed. She is survived by her husband of 51 years and 3 children 4 grandchildren. She was first diagnosed I believe in 2009 with Vaginal cancer she was stage 3 at the time, plenty of surgery chemo and radiation later it seemed she was in remission although they only gave her 5 years. In December of 2011 actually the day of my birthday she became sick coughing up blood and it was found out she relapsed but now the cancer was in her lungs, her right lung was collapsed and it was now a stage 4 with a 5 month life expectancy. She declined any treatment because the doctors said it would only make her sick and it wasn't going to help at all but only to get hospice involved. I took time out of my life stopped working to become her full time caregiver because none of my siblings were willing to do so. during the few months she lived she ended up breaking her right shoulder just by trying to get out of her bed one morning, her health declined at a speedy rate until the day she died in our home. She was the glue of our family the only reason it stuck together and I had to witness her going from this strong woman to a woman I did not recognize anymore doped on morphine and pain pills from her shoulder because they would not operate due to the severity of stage 4. My mom was my best friend it has been 7 months and I haven't really coped or dealt with it. I'm really lost in what I should do or how to do it. My father is in bad shape being 74 hes already admitted to wanting to be with her already and I am sure that will happen because his health is also declining. I wasn't really offered any form of support when she passed. To add more into the mix I was planning on moving to a different state to be with my boyfriend before she passed he was to fly to me to meet my mother, the trip was planned and a week before he arrived she passed in her sleep. I ended up moving a week after she passed missing all services for her never seeing her grave marker. I feel guilty for leaving my father all alone from losing his wife and his health getting worse I have been his caretaker just as long as I was hers. I don't speak to my siblings and nor they to me really everyone is kinda pissed off at each other. My boyfriend worries about me because he does not know how to help me cope. I cry every time I think or see pictures of her. It is very hard to remember the good times we shared and how close we bonded during her final days but all I see in my head is the woman she was the last weeks. I know I am not even fully expressing my feelings right now nor do I really know how. Is it too soon for me to be thinking I need to accept it and move on? I just feel dead inside that I lost the one person in the world that had known me since birth and has always been there for me and loved unconditionally. My faith is a little rocky from all of this because I don't understand why she had to go through all of this she didn't deserve all the pain I watched her endure daily. My boyfriend tells me all the time shes in a better place that she is no longer in pain and she is happy now. But I feel cheated having such older parents (they had me when they were in their 40s) my sister and brother are late 30's. I feel I didn't get my fair time with her, that she doesn't get to meet my kids or meet the man i am going to marry. Since I moved to a new state away from my former life i have my boyfriends family and their family traditions I just feel all my traditions were lost when she passed that I really don't have a family any more and i don't know who to talk to or how to handle this. I did end of having a seizure during our road trip from Washington state to Virginia from all the stress. Does anyone have any advice as to how to cope and somehow get back to who I once was? When does the hole inside me stop hurting and when I can speak of my mother without breaking down and crying? Thank you in advance if anyone reads this and offers anything.
Shannon B

Posts: 2
Joined: Jul 2012

Oh, I am so sorry for your loss. It sounds like you're really grieving for your mom right now, and it's completely understandable that you feel like you need some help to get through this and deal with all your emotions right now. So, have you ever considered therapy or a grief support group? I know it can be a big step to take and little bit scary, but it can really make a huge difference in working through what you're feeling. In fact, I've heard of something called GriefShare that you could pull up online. It's support groups that are usually hosted by churches and may be helpful to look into. There's also a ton of great resources out there on working through grief. For instance, I know that When Grief Comes: Finding Strength for Today and Hope for Tomorrow by Kirk H. Neely and Experiencing Grief by H. Norman Wright are both great books. So, maybe you could find them online or at the library? Well, please know that someone out there is praying for you during this difficult time. ((Hugs))!

grandmafay's picture
Posts: 1639
Joined: Aug 2009

I'm sorry you lost your mother. It isn't fair, but then life just isn't fair. Now you are adjusting to new surroundings in the midst of your grief. The idea that our loved one is in a better place may be true, but, I'm sorry, we thought they were in a fine place right here with us. Granted, they are no longer in pain. We know that in our heads, but our hearts still hurt. Grieving takes time. A lot of time. I lost my husband three years ago, and my grief has mellowed. I now accept the empty place. I'm sure it will always be there.

Traditions often change during our lifetime. Talk with your boyfriend and family about your traditions and ask to include some in their celebrations. Talk with your boyfriend about starting new traditions together. This holiday season will be tough. I have found that each one gets a little easier. Not easy, but easier. First, though, you need to get a complete check up from a doctor. Seizures are not something to fool around with. You might also need meds to help get you through this time. A grief group or grief counseling might help, too. Now is the time to take care of you. Also, it is ok to talk about your mom. It is ok to cry, as well. Talking about her can help others "know" her. Your future husband and children can know her through you. She will always be a part of you. Cyber hugs, Fay

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