Sorry for wasting your time

Hey, we all have our bad
Hey, we all have our bad days and that is why we are here to support each other. Sending prayers your way that things get easier for you. I know I would not make it thru this without the support of a lot of people so vent away any time. You are not wasting my time, it just lets me know that I am not the only one going thru this.

boardwalkgirl said:

Hey, we all have our bad
Hey, we all have our bad days and that is why we are here to support each other. Sending prayers your way that things get easier for you. I know I would not make it thru this without the support of a lot of people so vent away any time. You are not wasting my time, it just lets me know that I am not the only one going thru this.

Been there!
I think it would be unusual if we didn't have these feelings. We want to be strong for those we love but some days are just allot tougher than other days. I found that just as the nasty side effects can be here one day and then you've moved on to a different one the next day, so goes the emotional roller coaster from day to day. I've taken advantage of using this site as a sounding board on bad days and it does help. It's an extremely difficult journey but it does get better. My darkest days were during rad tx. I even cried a time or two as I laid on the table. There were times my husband did not think I would finish but by the grace of God, I did. Don't be alone with feelings of depression. Tomorrow will likely be a better day but if your feelings continue be sure to share with your doctor. Prayers sent your way.

CivilMatt said:

feel better
Hi ditto1,

You are really having a lousy day. You studied all the brochures and thought you had the bus route all mapped out and then WHAM you own brain deals you a “think about reality punch”. It is funny how each of us cruises along (seemingly) under control and all of a sudden we are not. Don’t worry or dwell on feeling depressed, your brain will be somewhere else tomorrow.

I was doing the look around house today and taking note of all the creams, oils and lotions I have for neck burn. Maybe I should put them away. Right now they are all piled up in the spare bathroom where I quit using them. There are things and indications all around the house that point to me being sick. It is depressing, all these reminders. I can not do away with the water bottle, Kleenex or smoothies, but I could tidy up a little.

Being 56 years old is a blessing; you are right in the sweet spot of human intelligence and understanding. It is no wonder you shed tears for yourself and others, this reflects your capacity for caring as a human being. Did I mention I am 56 years old, also?

I hope you have a better tomorrow, I know you will. Just remember what would Phrannie do or what would John say?

Best,

Matt

Agree with Matt, just last
Agree with Matt, just last week my house was cleaned, old medicines, bandages, foot stool, iv stand, etc. removed and my living room put back to a "living room" rather than a sick room. Was a great pick-me-up.

CivilMatt said:

I know this is silly, but I
I know this is silly, but I want to be honest.

I meant to put "almost " in front of 56, really. I guess I don't get the super smarts for another two months.

Matt

close enough
56 is in my rear view mirror by 6 years

D Lewis said:

Dear Ditto1
Vent away! That's why we are all here. I read, I sympathize, I've been there, I made it to the light at the end of the tunnel and it really was the end of the tunnel. It wasn't an on-coming train. You can do this.

It will be a LOT easier for you to do this, if you vent to us when you need to. We are all here for you.

Deb

Dear Ditto
as others have
Dear Ditto
as others have said, this is the place where you can say whatever you want. We have been there and know all too well of what you speak. Anyone who as gone thru this horrific treatment and say they didn't have a time were they lost it....well, they are lying. It happens to all of us at some point. Don't try and be a martyr -- let it out... It helps to scream and throw things.

You are doing great in that you've come this far. This is a tough journey, but once you get thru all the treatments, it will all be worth it. You will have slayed the dragon and won !

I was 55 going on 56 when I went thru treatment and I made it thru. You can do it too !

Skiff: nice Stones' tribute on their 50th anniversary (Man, when did I get old ??)

I have been there!
And it was pretty recently. To be honest, part of me is still there now. After a while, it starts to wear on you, the schedule, the pain, the tiredness, the fact that your whole life changed so quickly. Don't feel guilty about how you feel. It's natural. Other people may have it worse than you do but that doesn't make your pain any less or any less meaningful to you, right now. I say this having felt the same way you do--ashamed to complain about what seemed like trivial issues compared to what others went through. But it's not trivial to you, and I learned that it's not trivial to anyone here.

When I asked my radiation oncologist for an anti-depressant because I kept crying all the time, he leaned forward and said, "You are in the middle of the hardest thing you will ever do in your whole life. What you're feeling is normal--of course you feel that way." And I remember him telling me at the start that the treatment was the worst cancer treatment in terms of the patient, short of bone marrow transplant. What you're experiencing is major, a life-changing event with a side order of pain and suffering.

But time does change things. It was just four weeks ago that I was too sick from nausea and vomiting to even get out of bed. I'm better now, and you will be better too once you get on the other side.

So hang in there, Ditto. We're all here with you, and don't hesitate to come here when you have something to get off your chest.

Laralyn said:

I have been there!
And it was pretty recently. To be honest, part of me is still there now. After a while, it starts to wear on you, the schedule, the pain, the tiredness, the fact that your whole life changed so quickly. Don't feel guilty about how you feel. It's natural. Other people may have it worse than you do but that doesn't make your pain any less or any less meaningful to you, right now. I say this having felt the same way you do--ashamed to complain about what seemed like trivial issues compared to what others went through. But it's not trivial to you, and I learned that it's not trivial to anyone here.

When I asked my radiation oncologist for an anti-depressant because I kept crying all the time, he leaned forward and said, "You are in the middle of the hardest thing you will ever do in your whole life. What you're feeling is normal--of course you feel that way." And I remember him telling me at the start that the treatment was the worst cancer treatment in terms of the patient, short of bone marrow transplant. What you're experiencing is major, a life-changing event with a side order of pain and suffering.

But time does change things. It was just four weeks ago that I was too sick from nausea and vomiting to even get out of bed. I'm better now, and you will be better too once you get on the other side.

So hang in there, Ditto. We're all here with you, and don't hesitate to come here when you have something to get off your chest.

Ditto ...
Everything you shared is perfectly normal. You had the courage to share how you felt, and that is going to help someone who needs to let it out.

When I got the call on a Friday night from my primary doctor at 6pm (she was calling me about the results of the scan that same day) ...I told her "if your calling at 6pm on Friday, this is not going to be good" ...she agreed then told me about the mass at the base of my tongue and the mets to the lymph node. I had done some homework (as most konw by now I am really bad and wanting to read and know statistics) and when I self-determined I must be at least stage III (unless by some miracle it was not cancer) and all I had read I would have to go through ...I had a good cry that night.

I did not tell my wife for 5 days. Not until the night before we were to see the ENT did I tell her. Having lost my brother (1 year older than me, he was 49) to a brain tumor less than 12 months before, and having lost my Dad to acute Leukemia just 9 months before, I just did not know how to tell her. There was a pumpking festival we always attended that same weekend and I just did not want that cloud over my families head.

Two days before we were to see my ENT and 2 days before I told my wife, my 8 year old son "West" asked me a question out of the blue right as I was sending him off to bed. You konw what that question was? He asked me "Dad, how old will I be when you die?" I swear Ditto it took all I had NOT to bawl like a baby. I just stared at him and said, "West, why did you ask me that question?!!" ....I told him what any Dad would, I told him none of us are guaranteed how long we will live. I could die in a car accident tomorrow, die of a heart attack in few years and to be honest I don't know how old he will be when I die". He looked at me and said "I hope I am a million years old when you die"!!! Then he ran off to bed...I went in the bathroom..turned the shower on (as if I were taking one) and cried like a baby....

So now. I shared ONE of my down times and there were plenty!! And I will be honest and say it is hard as a guy to share that stuff (for me anyway) So you just hang in there Ditto...share away when you are down ....the bottom line is we care and you are on my nightly prayer list!!! I try very hard to say my prayers EVERY NIGHT (really) and rarely miss them bc I have so many dear friends on here I care about and I want the best for them.

Whispered an extra one tonight that the pain and side affects of the tx will ease up and you will feel better!!!

Best,

Tim

On a funny note: My oldest son Kohle (11) one night decided to he wanted to join me for my nightly prayers...the other night I asked if he wanted to join again and he steered away saying ..."too sleepy dad, your prayers take to long" ...LOL (only 20 minutes..but you know to an 11 year old that 20 hours)